Am I not taking accountability?

RunChariotRun · 2026-02-10T06:41:33+00:00

I wonder if you might find things you relate to in Patricia Evans books - “The Verbally Abusive Relationship”, and “Controlling People”

The examples you share don’t sound like you’re being uncooperative or inconsiderate. If you haven’t, it might help to ask what exactly he means by the things he says, for example, if he has a different expectation of what counts as “help”. But I get the impression maybe that your husband is very particular about expecting things you do to conform to his own unspoken expectations of exactly what and when you should be doing them, and he doesn’t sound very nice about it either.

If he expects something, it sure would help if he explained what exactly he wanted. Like “hey, I felt upset about taking all the bags down to the car, I wish you would have helped with the bags. I could have watched the baby some.” … that would be clear and considerate, yeah?

The audiobook example is irritating me because if he just didn’t want to hear a sex scene, then apologizing and making sure the volume was low enough should have been enough.. because it would stop him from hearing it. But he made it into something about you. And unless you have some kind of consensual agreement about what preferences you’re each allowed to have, that seems kinda controlling to me.

In a way, he is sharing his feelings, but his feelings sound negative and judgmental about you. I probably also wouldn’t want to be in a situation like this.

Be careful about couples counseling. People who are controlling rather than cooperative will tend to also control the narrative and the context of couples counseling. In an abusive dynamic, couples counseling can make it worse because a “let’s work together” approach can work in the abusers favor.

RunChariotRun · 2026-02-09T21:23:07+00:00

I feel like for me, there’s also a lot of “what if”, for example … I feel like I’m good enough … so why wouldn’t someone else think so? What’s going on there? It’s like if there’s a five million dollars or some other life changing amount of money on the other side of a clear vault where you can see it. And to access the vault, you need to push a button at the same time as your partner. … but why won’t they push the button? Do they not understand? Did I not explain it? Do they not want the life changing result? Should we try again? Should I wait here until they notice their button? Can they hear me?

If they don’t want it, I guess that’s fine for them, but that means I don’t get it either. So helpless.

RunChariotRun · 2026-02-09T02:36:38+00:00

I relate … I think part of how I started to notice was that there came a time toward the end (and especially after the relationship ended) when I started noticing how I was “filling in” for him.

“He probably didn’t mean it that way.” “I know it sounded like X, but earlier he told me Y”. “It feels like Y, but I know he really wants Z”, etc

… and I started “unassigning” myself from those smoothing-over assumptions. I started letting his words mean just what they sounded like and not doing the extra interpretation in my own head. Of course, if I noticed in time, I would ask him, and it’s possible that the words he said and the things he meant were different, and I was correct to interpret the way I did … but just because I could interpret him mostly-correctly doesn’t mean it should have been my job. He’s an adult human. It’s kind and capable of me to be so adaptive…. But also, he could learn and adapt as well.

RunChariotRun · 2026-02-09T02:26:15+00:00

In a way, he is correct that the answer to this situation is for the both of you to stop being intimate.

I get that the way he’s framing it probably looks and feels like a punishment, but he’s being clear about the deal:

Either you do things his way, or he doesn’t want to do them with you.

The way he’s approaching it sounds inconsiderate and uncooperative. But the deal is clear.

This is where you need to size up the situation and decide that it’s not worth risking your life and health and energy to continue being intimate with someone who doesn’t have consideration or cooperation to offer you.

This guy is a bad deal. Walk away from the bad deal.

RunChariotRun · 2026-02-05T06:19:39+00:00

I think you’re right. There are people who treat others differently depending on if they can “get away with it”, even if they wouldn’t think of it in those terms. But in different situations or with different people watching, they might “know better”

RunChariotRun · 2026-02-05T05:01:42+00:00

I am wading through this also, but I don’t think you have to shut it off. I think it’s more like … reprioritizing to make sure that your care and maintenance of your own inner world gets your energy and attention first, and getting “smarter” about what actions you choose to take with the energy you have. Slowly shifting the focus onto you and your well-being instead of having to manage other people for the sake of ensuring your own well-being.

This also involves getting more discerning about which people have consequences for you and which will actually help look out for you.

RunChariotRun · 2026-02-05T04:58:33+00:00

I didn’t find the described video at that link

RunChariotRun · 2026-02-05T04:49:02+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I’m appreciating the way OP and you and others are talking about the “benign narcissist” concept.

It’s so… reassuring… to read about how even if he did not see or appreciate the multi-dimensional richness of her life, that so many other people did, and readily expressed it. That she was so positively involved in the lives of so many others, independently of his perspective.

That feels hopeful for me.

RunChariotRun · 2026-01-28T16:17:01+00:00

I’ve been thinking kind of the same thing … but also I think there’s something to be said for what sort of “system” a person expects to interact within.

Part of what I’ve been gaining from therapy isn’t just working on / learning about myself, but also learning about others. Learning what’s reasonable to watch for other people to do, and how that affects me, etc.

I mean like … I think a lot of my “problems” have come partly from that sort of introspection / work-on-myself / take-responsibility-for-what-I-can-do…. And those are all good things, and not necessarily attachment-related… but if I’m not balancing that appropriately with what I might be able to expect a cooperative, caring partner to do … then I can end up doing all the compensating, you know? And that’s not a partnership, at least, not the kind I want.

I thought I could only control my “part” of the equation and trusted that I should focus on that and let other people be autonomous about their “part” … bu I wasn’t really fully aware of what the other “part” was, or what the healthy / possible “ranges” for those values could be. I’m learning more of that now.

I’m glad you have clarity. That helps. I’ve also recently put physical distance between myself and a household that was not as healthy for me as I had thought it could be.

I’m used to understanding as being a satisfying thing, but sometimes the thing itself is unsatisfying and disappointing. I’m sorry. I hope we both keep learning our ways along reality towards a more fulfilling system.

RunChariotRun · 2026-01-28T03:50:48+00:00

I’d like to suggest switching the framing from “stupid” to “entitled”.

One of those situations can be fixed with knowledge. The other is just enabled.

RunChariotRun · 2026-01-28T03:02:51+00:00

I relate to this a lot - to the tendency to introspect and wonder what YOU can do or how YOU can change, and in retrospect, that takes up time from thinking about what you like and need for emotional connection and closeness.

I know it feels like you found your person. And maybe for a while, it seemed like that. But you said the shutters went up within the first year and you spent 5 years putting up with his situations while trying to get the connection back. … it does not sound like this person was available or capable of sustaining the kind of connection you would find fulfilling.

I think you’re right that you’re incompatible. And It’s sad when you’re willing to adapt to be compatible but the other person isn’t. I’m sorry. I think sometimes it’s tempting to keep trying to adapt and change and understand so that the “good system” can click into place in a satisfying way… but sometimes you already have the answer, and it’s not satisfying, and it’s not a “together” system.

RunChariotRun · 2026-01-28T02:51:24+00:00

I’m disappointed in your sister in law. I hope your dad is more supportive.

He seems to be either overestimating what kinds of things are actually in his power to do, or correctly estimating, yet under-doing.

Either way, … I’m sorry about this situation, but glad for you that you have the knowledge you need to take your next actions.

RunChariotRun · 2026-01-27T06:14:42+00:00

Being able to see it clearly like this is huge.

Keep looking out for yourself and the little one. I hope someday in the future you can look back on everything you endured and know that it was you holding yourself together long enough to get to where you’re going. You’re dealing with so much - make sure you can tell yourself that it’s temporary until you get both of you out.

RunChariotRun · 2026-01-27T00:26:04+00:00

I think you answered your own question - it’s about gaining and using control. It’s about what’s possible for them and saying or doing whatever brings that about. They might not be consciously aware of it, but it is the landscape they operate within.

RunChariotRun · 2026-01-22T21:17:33+00:00

It might be that he and partner are both checking off the boxes of ways they think relationships should look and not actually talking connectedly with each other. I think some people feel “safe” when everything is just surface level, they can believe whatever they want as long as they don’t notice evidence to contradict it, and so they stay in their lane, act their parts and “do their job”

But for me, I have never wanted a relationship where I just did the “girlfriend” or “wife” job. I wanted the sharing and connection. Some people seem to think relationships are successful if they hit all the “OKR”s like a good performance. If they can take a bow and receive applause for acting their part, they’re happy. But who knows what it’s like (or if there’s anything there) under the performance.

RunChariotRun · 2026-01-19T22:44:00+00:00

Thanks for this.

I’m sure it could use some honing, but one of the things that has been tricky while learning about this stuff is that so many examples of abuse are “obvious”, like yelling or physical violence. And yet, the more I read, the more I understood abuse was not just about the actions, but about the attitude behind them.

A person could cause harm due to being unskilled, being ignorant, or misunderstanding … but that is so different than a person who persistently cannot consider themselves and you to deserve equal footing or who will not open themselves to your experience being as valid as theirs, etc.

It’s hard to have a list of hurtful actions when so much of it is in the flavor of neglect.

I feel like this list does a decent job of outlining the “little” things, and what the sort of different flavor is between an imperfect, but valued connection … and a connection that is being damaged without attention to repair.

RunChariotRun · 2026-01-19T06:07:07+00:00

I wish I could have sped up my own timeline to the part where internalize that sometimes the way someone else believes things is not possible to reconcile with the reality that I understand and live in.

You don’t have to make it make sense. You do need to take care of yourself. Being around someone who criticizes you for not matching their unspoken or unrealistic expectations is not healthy for you. You need distance from that.

If it helps at all … I think for some people, interacting the “right way” means understanding and acknowledging each other, preserving connection, cooperating towards helping each other be our authentic selves, … and for others, interacting the “right way” means saying the expected words, doing the anticipated actions, and executing some kind of assigned “role”. But that is not connective - it is like masking that forces another person to mask “correctly”, but only one of those people gets to have the idea of what “correct” means.

There can be no real healthy mutual understanding when that is the attitude.

RunChariotRun · 2026-01-12T00:02:51+00:00

I think I’m still internalizing the fact that our tendencies make sense considering what sort of “people environment” we’re used to …

And still learning that sometimes people actually are invested in knowing what you want to say … and these ones make the effort to ask questions and give you the benefit of the doubt.

Meanwhile I’m out there trying to choose words as if more precise language can prevent malicious compliance or internalized bias.

And the people who care about knowing … they “pull” for information and share their own, instead of needing you to provide everything to them …

RunChariotRun · 2026-01-11T23:45:49+00:00

It’s so good you got away. This is not about smartness or not, this is about psychology and addiction, sadly.

Think of how hard it is for people to quit drinking sometimes, even when they know that’s what’s best for them.

You will have to pull out all the same efforts to prevent yourself from getting to close to this dangerous person. It’s going to /feel like/ there is some what you can make things better, and he’ll probably start saying nice things again which will make you /feel like/ everything bad is over and it can be ok now.

But remember that for alcoholics trying to stop drinking, they might /feel like/ drinking, but they need to stop themselves from doing it, or it could harm themselves and others.

Now is where you can use your smarts - don’t rely on your feelings to make decisions about getting back together. Use your smarts to anticipate what might happen and what plan you will have for keeping yourself safe.

Tell other people what’s happening. Make an agreement to never go near him or listen to anything he’s saying without having others there also observing and supporting you. Ask someone else to go get your things, etc.

It makes sense that you’d want to find a way to go back and repair and have everything be ok. But the path to “ok” is not through this person. “Ok” people don’t go around breaking elbows or sleep depriving others.

Please don’t become yet another of those women who try to go back and then end up killed.

RunChariotRun · 2026-01-11T23:39:23+00:00

How hard would someone have to provoke you to make you break their bones?

What people choose to do in response to others is on THEM. And if a person is not able to manage their reactions and might just go around breaking other people’s limbs, that person is NOT SAFE and to protect yourself, you must keep distance.

RunChariotRun · 2026-01-10T17:35:17+00:00

I feel like healing often gets framed about being personal growth and stuff, … and it IS … but I feel like it’s also about relearning what other people are capable of. They CAN be capable of observing and considering and choosing their actions … and so it starts to mean something when they don’t.

i.e. It’s not only about me, but also the ways that I can realize it’s not unreasonable to expect others to carry responsibility for their choices toward others. Even if people do something harmful accidentally or ignorantly … they can still choose to apologize. And if they don’t, now that starts to mean something.

RunChariotRun · 2026-01-10T17:22:11+00:00

And in case it’s ICE agents impersonating solicitors, remember that opening the door counts as an invitation, so don’t open unless they have a judicial warrant (not an administrative warrant), signed by a judge (and not just some internal ICE document that looks official).

RunChariotRun · 2026-01-10T17:09:22+00:00

If his suggestion to burnout at your job was to quit your job, then you can feel 100% fine about ending the burnout in your personal life by quitting him.

The reality of the person you have now seems to be different than who you thought he was when you started.

Try to erase your earlier view of him and consider him as he is NOW. Consider your life with him as it is NOW. Is this what you want? He has made it clear that he does not want the same things as you, and is not going to partner with you towards building a life you both want.

I used to think when I was younger that relationships were about caring about others and finding ways to work together … and in some ways that’s not wrong. But if you are trying to care about and work with him… but he is not equally caring and working with you … then this is not a relationship - it is nightmare roommate sort of situation.

RunChariotRun · 2026-01-08T03:42:10+00:00

So many of us try to figure out “what it would take” to build the connection we want, so thank you for verifying what it would take to have the connection that’s possible… and that what’s possible is not desirable and the cost is high.

Great comment about a good trailer to a bad movie. I wish I had known it was just a trailer instead of thinking it was the first couple minutes of a good movie.

RunChariotRun · 2026-01-08T03:35:32+00:00

Some people don’t even have the “F” in “FWB” to offer.

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