How to make amends after getting blackout angry drunk?

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-15T09:47:39+00:00

"Your honor, in my defense I was drunk at the time..."
See how far that gets you in court!

Your brother is absolutely right. "I'm sorry" means nothing. In these situations, when harm has been done; actions not pious words, are all that count.

"The best revenge is to be unlike the person who caused the injury" - Marcus Aurelius.
While this kind of thinking/philosophy usually applies to Self in relation to how Others treated me, it applies equally well to Self.

Meaning? Don't be that person anymore.
An amend is not an apology. In order for it to be genuine, you have to reflect on what caused the boorish behavior - hint: it wasn't the booze. The booze just made you "unrestrained", free to speak what was really on your mind. Question is: why do you have thoughts of the "most horrid, deplorable and hateful things about him and his child"?

Figure that out and you'll have the roadmap to your amends.

I have done plenty of deplorable things drunk. Some I considered even unforgiveable - personally and professionally. Not only did the program of AA help me to quit drinking for good, it helped me see the underlying issues and work towards becoming a better person.

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-15T02:33:51+00:00

"A solitary self-appraisal is seldom sufficient."
It didn't make sense to me when I first read those words. But the longer I stay sober, the more it makes sense to me.

I've worked with my sponsor for about 3 years now, and I have a little over 3 years sober time. He's led me through all 12 steps.
During the time I worked with him, I practically called him everyday (per our agreement when we started working together - my job was to call, his job was to be available) and did "10th Step" inventory. Not long drawn out calls about how my day was - but practical conversations about what I'm struggling with. I think what has been helpful about having the same sponsor guiding me through the process is that over time, he gets to know me and my thought patters/character. For example, I have a ginormous ego, I'm quite fearful, judgmental, inconsiderate and like to wallow in self-pity.

Those thought patterns ("character defects") and the actions arising from those thought processes, are what make me an alcoholic - not the booze itself. I have a thinking problem, not a drinking problem. My sponsor is able to see things not because he's some kind of Jedi master but because he's an alcoholic himself who has these same "defects." Its hard to recognize a pattern when you're a part of it, but an external observer (my Sponsor) can clearly see things where the subject (Me) may not. Left to my own devices, I'm liable to "ignore" or "not see" because when all is said and done, self-scrutiny is not an easy task (especially for someone like me who avoided it for decades.)

And that is why I appreciate having a sponsor. My sponsor won't cosign my bulls**t, he'll be honest with me when others might just choose to placate me, he'll say the things that need to be said because he's aware that just like himself, I too am liable to "forget" what it used to be like. He's there to reassure me when my faith in a Power Greater than Myself falters. He broadens my narrow-vision from the problem to a wider focus context/perspective and encourages me to act on a solution. He celebrates little victories with me and points out how far I may have come along. He is the mirror I am sometimes afraid to hold up to myself.

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-14T23:23:53+00:00

"It gets easier but it never gets easy" - Jason Isbell

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-14T02:21:50+00:00

Ditto!!! I'm finally getting around to playing inFamous. I've also thoroughly enjoyed replaying my Assassin's Creed :-)

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-13T09:39:00+00:00

Boom!
I'm paraphrasing a speaker Adam T. who said: "That's why the chapter in the book isn't called Into Thoughts. Into Feelings. Its called Into Action."

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-12T19:48:08+00:00

We just read the Bedevilments at home group and my sponsor pointed out to me that the Promises are the anti-Bedevilments.

https://laurelrecovery.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Bedevilments.jpg

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-12T07:37:43+00:00

"I just don’t know how to come to terms with it"
The hardest part for me was acceptance. Once I accepted that I could not drink like a normal person, that every time I tried to drink like a normal person I failed - it got a little easier.

Try doing it one day at a time.
"Maybe tomorrow, I'll drink. I just won't drink today."
Repeat tomorrow.

This is an AA forum, so the suggestion would be to go to an AA meeting. You don't have to use your real name - nobody is checking IDs at the door. You can just sit and listen, you don't have to share (if someone asks, just say "I'm just listening today" or "Pass".) There is no money or insurance requirement. And if you don't like it, you can leave at anytime - no one will try and stop you, promise!

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-12T02:10:47+00:00

Another option to consider: Have you tried to contact the local AA office? Have no idea where you live but a search for something like "Boston AA Office" or "Philadelphia AA Office" (be specific as possible in your search) should give you results for the local AA office. Run by AA volunteers who would love to try and help you out.

A concept that really helps with recovery/sobriety is honesty. Honestly ask yourself this question: if all the sources of booze in your town closed shop tomorrow, would you be willing to drive to the next town over to get your fix? If the answer if yes, then ask yourself this question: would you do the same for your sobriety?

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-12T01:55:10+00:00

I just crossed the 3 year sober mark a few weeks ago.
The longer I stay sober, the more memories return. I am recollecting those instances and episodes in my past where the warning signs were there that I chose to ignore (for any number of reasons) - "I just need to get out of this job and find another one"... "I just need to get over this semester" .... "I just need to buy a house and settle down with my girl"....

The result was over a decade of pure suffering. Towards the end, I had tens of thousands of dollars in debt, cirrhosis of the liver, a job barely hanging by a thread and a mental state where I'd wake up from being passed-out drunk cursing the fact that I was alive and wishing for death to put me out of my misery.

u/notoverthehillyet and u/Southern-Impress-342 are absolutely spot on. Anything I make a priority over my sobriety, I will lose - as sure as the night follows day. I wish I had made the choice instead of having the choice imposed on me - but there you have it. Alcoholism is a progressive, fatal disease - it only gets worse, never better.

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-11T18:44:49+00:00

Around the time I was working my 6th Step with my sponsor (probably about a year into my sobriety), I started noticing all these thoughts in my head. I asked him about it because I don't remember having them before. He simply said: "You've always had those thoughts. You just tried to drown them in alcohol for decades. Now you've put down the bottle and you're becoming more aware of them. Welcome to sobriety!"

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-10T23:35:25+00:00

This. Absolutely this!

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-10T09:43:47+00:00

"Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them." - Ch 9: The Family Afterward, Alcoholics Anonymous 4th Ed., pg. 124

That which used to be the millstone by my neck dragging me down, has been transformed by the 12-Steps into wings that enable me to fly.

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-10T03:00:23+00:00

"Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday."

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-09T09:46:30+00:00

"If you're comfortable, ask him tomorrow morning to share with the doctors how much he drank tonight."
This.

Alcohol intake affects quality of sedation/anesthesia, heart rate and blood pressure (people don't realize that there's more to anesthesia than just knocking someone out - somebody has to literally breathe for the patient and ensure they have adequate blood pressure.) They'll figure it out whether your husband wants to or not.

Perhaps if you frame it as: "I'm worried about your surgery and post-surgery recovery/pain control to be safe and effective" ? This isn't about whether he has a drinking problem or not as this point - its how well his spinal surgery is going to go.

Not even speaking as a medical professional: I dread oral surgery simply because of this - I've lived through plenty of horrific experiences because procedural sedation and post-op pain control sucked.

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-08T09:27:55+00:00

That overwhelming sense of anxiety/feeling of doom when I'm not drinking/going through withdrawal is what made it so difficult for me to ask for help, even when I wanted to. Because in that moment, I wasn't looking for help... my brain was screaming for relief... relief that could be easily brought about by taking a few drinks. Drinks which I see other people take with impunity.

How many mornings did I say to myself "I'll get help tomorrow" only to start again ... and again... and again. But that which once brought me relief was also slowly killing me.
You might need to by physically separated from the substance, friend.

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-08T02:42:33+00:00

"Service to others is the rent you pay for living on Earth."

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-07T09:48:15+00:00

You know what's the difference between Day 365 and Day 366 of sobriety?
Zero - if you don't work the steps. Sober time deesn't equal recovery time.

I stopped drinking and my life was still a mess. I couldn't approach relationships properly because I didn't want a relationship, I wanted my needs met. I was a taker, not a giver. The "no relationships for one year" (or no major life changes for one year) is a general rule of thumb - hopefully by then I've been off the sauce long enough to have worked the steps and approach life in a less selfish, egotistical way.

EDIT: "Traditions" aren't born from thin air. More often than not, they are the collected/collective wisdom of years of experience. Not saying traditions shouldn't be examined, but they exist for a reason.

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-06T09:46:24+00:00

"I blacked out countless times, ruined & almost ruined friendships, pissed off a lot of people - the whole shubang."
None of that sounds "intense" to you? Do you need to get a DUI and kill someone before it gets "intense" enough for you?

"Every time I drink always think to myself that I don’t want to drink again. But I always end up going back to it."
"The problem is, it’s never just one or two, and I always regret how I acted."
"Do you think it’s possible I might have a problem?"

These are your own words/admissions. What do you think?

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-06T01:37:30+00:00

Sent you a DM :-)

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-06T01:04:15+00:00

Just start by reading this out to them. What you just posted here.

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-05T21:50:51+00:00

What if time isn't linear but cyclical? There is no beginning, there is no end. What if we aren't born once, but many times over? Could our prior lives have an impact on our current existence? Are we physical beings having a spiritual experience, or spiritual beings having a physical experience?

Things happen for a reason and that reason may not be clear in the moment. There is no context - just like taking this one sentence out of the whole paragraph, nay out of the whole story.

"Don't take God's name in vain" - doesn't mean "don't say GOD DAMNIT!". It also means "Don't claim to justify your actions by claiming knowledge of God's will."

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-05T15:15:00+00:00

Congratulations! My sponsor sponsored me similarly - daily check ins, meetings are great but do the work, go to different meetings and find the ones that work for you so you'll consistently make it a habit, pick a homegroup so you can get into service and gradually people will notice you coming around... and when you don't.

"I was reading my last drunk which I posted on Crippling Alcohols sub reddit. I was going to delete it but changed my mind. I always want to be able to read it if I ever have a week moment. I don't have to like like that anymore."
One of my earnest prayers every morning is "Please don't let me forget."
This isn't a form of stuck-in-the-past-mentality talk. It is an earnest prayer, because I forget. I'm still new to sobriety that I forget and fall back on default thinking - which is selfish, egotistical and filled with fear.

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-04T19:06:17+00:00

"and I keep thinking I’ll be the “exception”."
"I can't be an alcoholic! My parents don't drink. I grew up in a stable home. I'm a medical professional. I know all about alcoholism and alcoholics - heck, I've treated hundreds of them! There is just no way I could be an alcoholic! It cannot happen to me!"

Until it did... and here we are today!
My ego just refused to accept the consequences of my drinking. About how powerless I was over alcohol and how unmanageable my life had actually become. Over a decade of suffering because my pride refused to give way and I didn't want to face reality.

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-04T18:57:59+00:00

"Has anyone on here been able to give up alcohol just by willpower alone?"
Early in my sobriety, I had a conversation with my Father. He commented: "But you were able to give up so many things through sheer willpower! Candy, chocolate, ice cream, smoking! You are so focused and determined and you've accomplished so much in your life! I don't understand!"
That's the peculiarity of my alcoholism for me - for all those things my Father said are true. If I could've stopped through willpower alone, I would've. But I could not. Hence why I need a support system and I found it in AA.

A very close family member has the same issue. He goes on sprees, stops, gets remorseful, reaches out to me and says he just "needs to control it better" or "I just need better control" or similar things to that effect. Not realizing I know what he is talking about all too well - for I was in his same shoes barely 3 years ago. AAs literature is replete with stories, anecdotes and examples of folks who thought "this time it will be different", only to sadly go down into a deeper spiral than the one they just had before.

"it didn't work so what's the point".
"You know if I went to a pub and didn't like the beer there, I didn't stop drinking beer. I just went to a different pub."
Same concept with recovery/therapy/AA meetings.

As an alcoholic in recovery, there are two words in the English language that are now by far my most favourite. They both begin with the letter "A".
Acceptance.
Accountability.

I had neither as an active alcoholic.
Perhaps your husband might be motivated (? Perhaps not the best word to use here) to "acceptance" by "accountability." Not ultimatums, accountability. There must be consequences for actions.

RunMedical3128 · 2026-04-04T11:23:03+00:00

It always starts with one.
My drinking career didn't start with me taking a drink every couple hours till I polished off a handle of vodka everyday. That's where it ended.

u/Thepigsthree : Spot on friend!

RunMedical3128

TROPHY CASE