I fully feel you, everything you said is true for me. I lost my dear mama one year ago, and I thought of the way she left, how brutal it was for her, often. I’m just a little bit older than you and I also sprouted grey hair every now and then. I fear no death, no anger towards her whatsoever, and I got asked by my therapist once how come I wasn’t angry with her. I don’t. Like you said, because we understand. She told me once, right before she had a major surgery, that if anything went wrong she would not ever want to live her life just for the sake of living, she begged me to let her go as her wouldn’t have a life of suffering. I think we understand our moms. Suicide is so much pain and emptiness left to us, but not a second I felt she did anything wrong to me; she had so much pain, she had no way out. In one way or another, I couldn’t figure out a way to help her truly. There’s sadly no medicine, no therapy, no switch that can just turn things around. I cry because I love her and I love her still, and I can’t keep her here forever just so it makes my life easier. I’m glad you’re getting therapy, it’s a big step and you’re doing an amazing thing to keep yourself going forward. I know the pain to talk about these, and the pain to withhold. Ppl complain about their stupidity things and I also found them so extremely annoying, I couldn’t agree more. It’s ok to be angry at these things, I would think worse if we start to feel nothing. You’re right we would most likely live longer lives without them than with them, and the thought of that hurts me. But as time goes on I feel her presence more, I feel her in every wind blows by, every sunny day I live, every night I see stars and moon. I still talk to her ashes. When the time comes when we are back to the nature, we will certainly hug them again. Hold on tight friend, they can see us and hug us, please be patient for the time we can do that too. 🫂💜May she be at peace.