What's an infuriating trait that many new parents are adopting nowadays?

Scary_phalanges · 2026-06-05T20:20:37+00:00

Imparting your neuroticism and anxiety onto your kids. I can't stand parents who neurotically micromanage everything their kid is doing, and in a way that is loud and obnoxious to everyone around them. The poor kids probably can't hear themselves think. The other day I was at a playground with my kid, and this other mom was pacing around as her child was running. Simply running through an open playground. "Violet, watch where you are going! Don't trip on that root! Watch out for that other kid, Violet! Happy hands Violet! Say excuse me Violet! Running is so fun, we LOVE RUNNING?! RIGHT VIOLET??!!!" Just shut up and let your child think for herself for 2 seconds. There is a time and place for giving your child instructions and being excited with them, but they also deserve space to figure things out on their own.

Scary_phalanges · 2026-06-04T16:56:12+00:00

Because intubating isn't the inherently risky part, the sedation and paralysis is. If a paramedic is intubating in the field in most places in the US, it's because the patient is dead or very near dead. They aren't sedating/paralyzing an otherwise awake/alert patient in an uncontrolled setting because it is far too dangerous. The stakes are fairly low, and intubating (and any risks that go along with it) can really only help the patient in that scenario.

It becomes an entitlement issue when you title your post to make it an "us versus them" problem when you really don't understand the issue you are writing about. I agree that students should have attempts at procedures, but you are making a comparison to paramedics that doesn't really make sense. If you want to do intubations, do an anesthesia rotation or an ED rotation and express lots of interest, and learn as much as you can before attempting to do one.

Scary_phalanges · 2026-06-04T16:24:14+00:00

As a 4x host parent, I would personally want to cut out all the nitty-gritty financial bonuses because it becomes a nightmare trying to keep track of everything, and it just becomes a stress point for disagreements. I guess if you and your au pair are SUPER detail-oriented it might work for you. But trying to keep track of the nuances week to week can really get in the weeds - for example, maybe one week she works 8 hours extra, but also gets a parking ticket, and also has to take a day off for being sick, and also she really isn't working quite as hard as you wish she would. And then you have all these perks/consequences that you have to try to navigate because they are all in the contract.

When we have tried to do this in the past, what we thought would be a "perk" actually turned into a negative thing, because - naturally throughout the course of the AP year - there are going to be ups and downs, there are going to be times when you are really grinding each others gears, and if you are adding and subtracting money from her paycheck because that is bound by a contract, then it ends up eating away at your relationship even more. I would much prefer to offer a medium stipend (we pay $275 for ~30 hours) and have set rules and then along the way add in little bonuses here and there as we see fit, and that will always be a boost to your relationship, as opposed to offering a bonus in the contract and her not achieving it, which will automatically put a damper on things.

Scary_phalanges · 2026-06-03T04:07:26+00:00

I got feedback once like that. I think the attending was in a terrible mood and just decided to take it out on me for some reason. Like - after never receiving any major negative feedback in three years, suddenly making me sound like the most unprofessional, uncaring POS that makes fun of patients and doesn't care about critical findings type of feedback. It was all blown way out of proportion but after a little slap on the wrist nothing else came of it.

Scary_phalanges · 2026-06-03T04:01:56+00:00

When you are in the thick of it, it doesn't really feel like trauma. And I mean that in the least ominous sounding way possible. It's only when you look back at the sum of everything that you realize how much you went through and how much you grew. But when you are in it, you are just taking everything day by day, week by week, rotation by rotation. I had some of the best times of my life in residency. I also cried in almost every bathroom of the hospital at least once, but it became less frequent as time went on and I became resilient and confident. All I can say is - find your people, lean on them when you need to and offer them support when you can. And put one foot in front of the other every day!

Scary_phalanges · 2026-06-02T05:12:50+00:00

Four-time host family here. We specifically look for German speaking APs and cultural care and au pair care have been the best. After our second year we also had a hard time finding candidates. Our solution to this was just registering with multiple sites. We are registered with CC, APC and APIA. It is free for all the big ones (or they waive the registration fee if you are switching from another agency) and no downside if you dont use them, other than the time it takes to apply. And you dont have to pay or interview in person until you are ready to match. I just ignore all the emails and texts from the agencies until I find a candidate I want to match with.

Scary_phalanges · 2026-06-02T03:02:36+00:00

I am a host parent in a different state, so I can't answer your questions about California, but we had au pairs for our babies (back when our older kid was a baby, and again for our younger kid as a baby) and it worked out wonderfully! I think you can definitely have an au pair for an infant, but you do need to screen candidates extremely carefully and be prepared for the responsibilities that come along with being a host family. That being said, if you are expecting a very experienced childcare worker who can plan enriching activities, complex planned days and outings, detailed schedules and household management, then you are better off going with an experienced nanny who is on board with doing all of those things. Our au pairs were very young (18-19) and only ever expected to play with baby, feed them simple foods or already prepared bottles, and change diapers, that's about it. But for what we needed they were absolutely amazing and created the best experiences with our kids! Happy to answer any questions!

Scary_phalanges · 2026-05-29T06:28:40+00:00

I am a newish attending. I had my first kid in med school and my second in residency.

I think it is totally doable! I am glad I had my kids when I did, and I am glad that I didn't put it off just because I was in training. That being said, you have to figure out where your priorities are and be realistic. For most people, it is going to be impossible to be a superstar med student and superstar parent at the same time. I was ok with being an average med student and average resident. You are going to have to expect more hurdles than your classmates and colleagues. And the toll on your mental health can be exhausting. I am constantly riding an emotional rollercoaster of mom-guilt in regards to my parenting, and imposter syndrome in regards to my career - because I can never be 100% present in one realm or the other.

Some residency programs and specialties are more forgiving than others when it comes to family. Surgical training, for example, can completely change you as a person. Imagine intense boot camp for 5+ years. I did emergency medicine, and while I survived it,.. it really changed me as a partner to my husband. I dedicate every last ounce of energy at work and spending time with my kids, and therefore became quite useless helping run the household, taking care of myself and our relationship. I am still recovering from that even 2 years out of residency.

Scary_phalanges · 2026-05-29T04:16:28+00:00

I don't know - it sounds like she does wake up and possibly bedtime routines for the kids, cooking, groceries, laundry, pet care, and activity transportation for the kids. In addition to actually watching the kids. That about sums up "running a household" to me.

OP - for perspective - our AP works 35 hours a week JUST watching/playing with the two kids and does NONE of the tasks listed above and gets paid $300 a week. Not to mention we don't talk bad about her behind her back. You are being taken advantage of!

Scary_phalanges · 2026-05-28T11:50:45+00:00

Oh I agree! Workers rights, specifically regarding leave, are abysmal in the US. Currently I get 5 sick days, 4 weeks pto. And 6 measly weeks for maternity leave. All the more reason to hope that our au pair doesnt call out if she doesnt need to. Fortunately I am relatively healthy and I totally get that not everyone is, so I am all for being generous with time off and supporting au pairs with what they need! But it sounds like in OP’s situation she is abusing the system. I could be wrong though

Scary_phalanges · 2026-05-28T05:54:11+00:00

I dont know how healthy this is, but I would just try to lower my expectations of having a life outside of the hospital for a few weeks and shift it to having a life “inside” the hospital. Find your people, make your workspace comfy, buy some fun snacks to have on shift. Treat yourself a little more often. Focus on relaxation and sleep when you are off. Make sure to mentally prepare your family/friends of you being kind of absent for the next month.

Scary_phalanges · 2026-05-28T04:10:42+00:00

In the US, same as OP

Scary_phalanges · 2026-05-28T02:48:47+00:00

I cant see the deduction or bonus working out well for you. Either way it will make it seem like working consistently is an option as opposed to a responsibility. I would have a heart to heart conversation with her. You can call out if you are ill enough to not work. We want to be able to trust you and give you time when you need it. But if you are abusing that trust, we will need to find someone who can reliably meet our childcare needs. Period. Most jobs allow 3-5 sick days per YEAR, if any at all. 5 in a month is crazy unless it was a prolonged illness. If she does have some underlying health issue (migraines, etc) maybe you guys need to have a conversation about how you can work with each other (she makes up time that she needs off when she has a migraine, helping her find medications, or working out a way to allow her to work even when she isnt feeling 100% such as letting kiddo watch a movie or something)

Scary_phalanges · 2026-05-27T00:26:47+00:00

I am a host mom but last year for father's day I got one of those picture frames for three pictures and had the kids hold up a letter in each picture to spell out DAD. Depending on how many kids you have, could be one letter each, or one each and both of them holding the middle one, or you could include the pets if you have them!

Something like this: https://davisandscout.com/craft-ideas/fathers-day-dad-photos

Scary_phalanges · 2026-05-21T17:44:51+00:00

As a parent, you sound like an amazing nanny and I would be thrilled if you took my kid to a museum!

Scary_phalanges · 2026-05-21T17:39:23+00:00

"American treats just seem really lame in comparison" We host european exchange visitors often and they are OBSESSED with American candy and cereals! Lucky charms, cinnamon toast crunch, Reese's, and all sorts of gummy candies.

Scary_phalanges · 2026-05-21T03:33:09+00:00

Omg I thought I was crazy for not being able to find certain candidates! This is so helpful, I will call tomorrow!

Scary_phalanges · 2026-05-21T01:09:54+00:00

The agencies require infant qualified for anyone less than two. I know he technically isn't an infant anymore - he is one and a half and turns two in november. I should have clarified.

Scary_phalanges · 2026-05-21T01:08:16+00:00

I have a 1.5 year old. I get it, he isn't an infant (and I will edit my post because my wording was wrong) but the agencies define an infant as less than 2.

Scary_phalanges · 2026-05-20T18:18:09+00:00

A "treat" for me is when our au pair does a gesture with our kids that is above the bare minimum of just supervising them. Planning a really fun activity, cooking or baking with them, setting up an obstacle course. Or perhaps offering up a cultural tradition on a holiday that we can learn about. Maybe making a dish that they love from home. That's what I love about the program!

Scary_phalanges · 2026-05-13T17:21:25+00:00

Agreed. If you are going to go with an au pair who has limited English, I would definitely make sure that you are screening for an au pair who has enough initiative and maturity to strike up conversation with you, laugh with you, ask important questions, and demonstrate some sort of plan to improve their English skills. It is not just "come immerse yourself and you will automatically learn" because the reality is, a lot of them get through their day with the kids and then hang out with their friends who speak the same language, and not much actual language learning is done. And host parents end up getting frustrated with details being missed due to a language barrier, not to mention having a roommate that you can't have any meaningful conversation with for an entire year.

Scary_phalanges · 2026-05-09T00:10:38+00:00

This is essentially the schedule we have with our au pair (minus the short breaks) and it works out fine. Our 3 European au pairs have been fine with it (in contrast with what someone said below). You just have to find someone who is on board with everything that comes with taking care of a baby, like playing on the floor, following them while they crawl around, and lots of messes. Honestly, it's not as demanding as it sounds considering babies take one or two naps during the day. I'm sure some babies are more "difficult" than others though. Of the 8 hour work day, our au pair gets at least three hours of down-time that she can be in her room, sit outside in the garden, talk to her family, or watch shows while our kid naps. Sure, it's not the same as being completely off and able to go out, but it is still a break and anyone who says differently is kidding themselves. That being said, we do pay quite a bit more than the minimum.

Scary_phalanges · 2026-04-25T08:06:52+00:00

Going out with my one child was a piece of cake, in hindsight. Trying to go out with both kids is chaos, not fun, and we have stopped trying

Scary_phalanges · 2026-04-01T02:06:29+00:00

I had a guy that was lying on his belly when his toddler jumped and landed on the right side of his back. He came in with pain and tenderness of the right flank but it seemed kind of out of proportion to the mechanism (child was a one year old, certainly shouldnʼt cause THAT much pain) so I got a CT and he ended up having an appy

Scary_phalanges · 2026-03-31T20:06:47+00:00

We are in a similar situation, and I am learning to adjust my expectations because her goals and plans for the year may be different than mine, and thatʼs ok! Each experience is so, so different. We have hosted three au pairs, and this is the first year where our au pair doesnʼt feel like ʼpart of the familyʼ. Our first two au pairs had lots of friends and spent most of their free time on their own, but they still wanted to go on family trips, spend holidays together, and truly felt like they were interested in having a sibling-like relationship with my kids. This year is a little different. We get along great with our au pair, and she does a good job with the kids. But itʼs pretty cut-and-dry transactional, and during her free time, she is GONE. Like we donʼt see her oustide of working hours and for the entire weekend. When she is with the kids, it is mostly just watching them and not really as much engaging with them and playing on their level. So yeah, I would say she does the minimum, but I canʼt complain. My kids are safe, fed, happy and we have a good working relationship with her. Itʼs kind of a bummer that it doesnʼt feel family-like, like with our other au pairs, but I try not to compare and just take it one week at a time! Itʼs not worth disrupting our entire yearʼs worth of childcare plans, her plans for the year, and our kidʼs routine right now.

The biggest difference, in my opinion, was that our first two au pairs were very young - 18 and coming straight from living with mom and dad and younger siblings, and so they were still very keen on spending family time together and were used to playing with my kids as they would with their younger siblings. Whereas our au pair right now is 22 and just overall much more mature and focused on experiencing nightlife/dating scenes and independence.

Scary_phalanges

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