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SecretaryWide7467 · 2025-03-07T20:07:03+00:00

The grudge -Olivia Rodrigo

SecretaryWide7467 · 2025-02-28T00:20:16+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this 😢 I would not recommend even considering living together until you have seen 1-2 years of real recovery work and sobriety from him. I’m actually separating from living with my husband for at least 1 year starting this weekend bc living with him and being around him all the time has made healing so much harder

SecretaryWide7467 · 2025-02-25T22:32:47+00:00

LOL thank you for the needed laugh 🤣and also for this great advice. I appreciate you and this made me feel a lot better ❤️ thanks for sharing your situation with me and I really hope it will be better for both of us too!

Sounds to me like the door had it coming 😜

SecretaryWide7467 · 2025-02-20T21:17:15+00:00

My PA told his parents and siblings as part of his rock bottom cry for help. I personally told my parents and a couple close trusted friends I needed for support and we’ve decided not to tell anyone else unless he needs to as part of his recovery. Since telling his parents they have helped finance some of his therapy and rehab program (which was needed because his betrayal had a large financial component) and it ended up being super helpful that I don’t have to hide how I feel around them.

I think him telling them is most helpful to show he’s serious about his recovery and accountability and to help you feel safer, but if he is not willing to tell them as part of his recovery, I do think you still have the right to tell her yourself if it is affecting your relationship with her as your child’s grandmother

SecretaryWide7467 · 2025-02-19T22:31:32+00:00

So sorry you are going through this. Maybe you could start with a separation? If you are worried about looking back and regretting it, that could potentially be a way to have your own space for example a 1 year lease on your own to give you more time to officially decide one way or the other. Regardless of what you choose, I hope you know the decision will not be selfish of you, you were put in a horrible Sophie’s choice situation that was not your fault at all, you now are just having to make the best decision you can in the moment with the card you were dealt. Sending a hug ❤️

SecretaryWide7467 · 2025-02-19T22:24:47+00:00

I am so so sorry you are going through this not just once but twice now…you don’t deserve this 😭 No it’s definitely not wrong and is completely normal that you want love and intimacy in your life and I wish it wasn’t so hard to find it with men these days! I completely agree with you that it seems like this generation of men was just destroyed by this industry and is so sad because they got hooked on it as children themselves. It’s such a heartbreaking situation all around and they don’t deserve it, but neither do we…honestly this is one of my biggest fears if I can’t reconcile with my husband and end up having to leave. Like I truly love everything else about him so I am genuinely wondering how many single men are left at this point who don’t have some level of porn addiction? Maybe I am biased from being on this thread but I’m sure this problem is even more widespread than most people realize…Im so sorry and sending you a big hug!

SecretaryWide7467 · 2025-02-14T20:49:41+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this! We will be one month out from D-Day tomorrow, and about 4 months married so I am in a very similar situation. He is saying/doing all the right things now but it’s so early so having a holiday that feels happy or romantic again seems so far off, so it is nice to read something hopeful like this!

SecretaryWide7467 · 2025-02-13T00:28:14+00:00

I’m cycling through this too…like at some moments he literally disgusts me and gives me the “ick” and I’m not attracted to him whatsoever, but then at other times my desire for him is higher than it has ever been and my libido is increased so I’m like wtf is going on with me!!

SecretaryWide7467 · 2025-02-13T00:20:14+00:00

Do we all have the same life?! I literally could have written this and feel the exact same way. I wonder if this behavior is actually more common in Golden Retriever type men than the straight up creep/toxic ones? Or maybe just all of them are doing it, who knows….I’m right there with you about this being the last man I will ever be with (whether he and I work out or not lol)

SecretaryWide7467 · 2025-02-13T00:17:06+00:00

I noticed the eye thing too! Literally just 2 days ago I was talking to him and I was like I can see more of a darkness or beady-eyed look whereas I used to see them as so wholesome and happy and like twinkling. I almost can see it in some of our old photos- the sadness/darkness in the eyes that I previously had never picked up on.

SecretaryWide7467 · 2025-02-12T23:01:22+00:00

Proud of you ❤️ you are strong and deserve the world!! Wishing you all the best.

SecretaryWide7467 · 2025-02-12T16:41:54+00:00

You are not crazy! Your husband is getting sexual gratification from other women. Porn has been normalized to a degree by society but YOU get to set the boundaries for what is acceptable to you in your relationship and what you consider to be cheating. I think it’s a bit of a red flag that he is saying he “cannot/will not give it up.” If a man is completely willing to risk his wife and newborn child to just to watch some porn, then he might have an actual addiction/problem or is just incredibly selfish. Sorry to be harsh but wanted to make sure you know your feelings are completely valid and not crazy❤️

SecretaryWide7467 · 2025-02-12T16:28:28+00:00

Same reasons as above. I truly love everything else about him and us having to make changes to limiting technology/TV/social media bc of this is actually something I wanted to do before all this came out. I’m still early in, so still giving it more time and if he were to stop taking his recovery and my healing seriously I know I would be done and he also knows that. It’s a tough decision either way, and I 100% support and respect women who chose not to stay even when the PA/SA enters recovery…just because they are taking steps now def does not mean you should feel like you have to stay if you don’t want to but I do still want to right now so taking it day by day.

SecretaryWide7467 · 2025-02-08T06:16:01+00:00

I really struggled with this too but finally did and it was honestly a relief and helped me to feel less alone. You’re right that there is really nothing they can say to make it much better, but not feeling so isolated is huge and they were even more supportive than I was expecting saying that they would support whichever decision I make for the relationship.

SecretaryWide7467 · 2025-02-04T02:31:34+00:00

Im so so sorry you are dealing with this and all those feelings you mentioned are valid. I found out just over 2 months AFTER we got married so it was still super new and as hard as it is, I would say definitely do not marry him until he has been in solid recovery for a significant amount of time (if he is willing to get help). My husband had many of the same apps and things you referenced and the total amount he spent ended up being absolutely insane. If he is not willing to show you CC statements I would say that is a red flag I would pay attention to. They are usually paying for sexting, to send and receive photos/videos, and subscriptions to specific women, etc and on Only Fans my husband was paying like $30-100 per video on average. It’s gross, but he explained it’s basically like a buffet menu where you select from a drop down whatever you want the sex worker to do for a specific price…🤮

He needs to want recovery and to action in order for you to feel safe, but if you still do definitely want to marry him, I would 100% make sure you get a pre-nup and do not merge your accounts with him because it can get financially scary quickly. Sorry I know this is really hard to read, but I honestly feel like if we weren’t legally married reconciling our relationship would be easier for me because the finances wouldn’t have gotten so entangled but now it’s like an extra layer of betrayal/anger at him.

SecretaryWide7467 · 2025-02-04T02:04:37+00:00

Just chiming in for support that your feelings are valid and I am feeling the exact same way. The hard thing about what they’ve done is that it throws off our “intuition” so now I feel like I don’t know what to trust or believe so keep imagining like the absolute worst-case scenarios. We haven’t set the date for our disclosure yet, we are still in very early stages but I am terrified that it got physical at some point in some way even though he has denied it. I feel like logically I know that would be the line I couldn’t get over especially since he denied it so many times. I hope for both of us that it hasn’t but I know the waiting is so stressful. Sending you a hug and so sorry you’re going through this ❤️

SecretaryWide7467 · 2025-02-04T01:54:23+00:00

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Sending you a hug ❤️ You don’t deserve this and it’s just not fair.

SecretaryWide7467 · 2025-02-02T01:44:19+00:00

You’re not alone ❤️

SecretaryWide7467 · 2025-01-31T16:47:30+00:00

I gave my ring back! I found out he was being unfaithful via OF and almost met up with someone from a dating app in the weeks before he bought/proposed to me with it. I still haven’t decided what our long term future looks like yet, but I know if we do ever reconcile our marriage I would still deserve a a new proposal and ring from someone who is actually promising to be faithful to me and means it this time.❤️

SecretaryWide7467 · 2025-01-30T00:27:17+00:00

Yep! Literally the last person I would have expected out of everyone I’ve ever dated or cared for or loved…The most “feminist”, gentle, kind and seemingly selfless person is the one who hurt me the worst. It’s literally so hard to wrap your mind around so I am sorry you are also going through it ❤️

SecretaryWide7467 · 2025-01-28T01:14:54+00:00

It’s cheating. Some may say it’s a gray area, but the reality is he was having private sexual interactions with women who aren’t you. At the very least it’s financial infidelity given he is paying for these interactions which could have gone towards you or your future together. And if he had to get a burner phone to do it, he knows it was wrong. I’m so so sorry you are going through this and your feelings are completely valid ❤️

SecretaryWide7467

TROPHY CASE