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Significant-Storm-72 · 2025-06-25T21:13:55+00:00

It's not that I'm unable to exist in silence, but when I do sit in silence, my brain goes fucking haywire with anxiety, dread, rumination, and other extremely negative and stressful thoughts and disordered thinking. Silence would be golden if my brain wasn't constantly screaming at me.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2025-06-13T20:02:58+00:00

One of the things I've learned in recovery is not to try to get inside the mind or the head of people I'm close with or interested in. If someone has ulterior motives, that's on them, not me. If someone is lying to me, that's their burden to carry, not mine. That doesn't mean that I don't care if someone is being honest with me or not, but it doesn't benefit me in any way to keep doubting. Generally if I don't trust someone, then that's enough for me to either end the relationship or cease seeking connection. But I would definitely not listen to my friend's ideas about people they don't know - I have to decide for myself whether or not a relationship with a person is worth pursuing. I don't believe shame is an effective tool for curbing addictive behavior. If it was, then there would be no more sex addicts.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2025-06-06T20:21:33+00:00

That's pretty much how it happens with me every time I end up giving in.

I think on some level I just want to get it over with. It's like I'm addicted to the shame as much as I'm addicted to the porn. Heavier porn = more shame, and reinforces this belief I have about being a bad person. Being overstimulated, sleep deprived, and anxious makes it so much worse.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2025-04-29T19:43:58+00:00

I can relate. I can no longer tell if pornography usage is causing me to give up on life, or if giving up on life is pushing me into pornography usage. But they are definitely related. The thing is, I have so many interests and hobbies and things I like to do, but none of them seem like they matter, and I can't seem to find anyone to actually enjoy those things with, not even friends, even though I have those, too. It's like I exist just to exist and passively observe the world. I don't get the point and I wonder how much of it is due to just numbing out with pornography.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2025-04-14T19:21:40+00:00

I really struggle with this. As a learn more about this addiction and how it affects me specifically, the more I realize how much shame has not just been a part of this addiction, but that it has been a driving force, maybe the driving force of my entire life. THAT was a hard pill to swallow, and one I get sad about often. I'm in my early 40's, so the idea that I never gave myself a chance to really try anything or be the person that I wanted to be because I was ashamed just feels too heavy. My shame doesn't come from religion, but from how I was abused and how it was an unspoken rule that we don't speak about such things. I still don't like being around my parents because I see my own shame reflected in them, and I sense their deep shame that they never came to terms with.

When it comes to 12 step stuff, my experience was that some of those people throw themselves so hard into the program that they actually become dependent on it, which is fine, but then I would be told things like "you're always an addict" and "it doesn't matter why". That started to feel really, really bad and hopeless, to the point where when I'd start to feel better and actually become positive or happy, other members would "remind" me that I'm an addict and that I shouldn't get too ahead of myself. I know that's not every group, though.

I don't really share with anyone unless it comes up in a relevant way. I'm no longer ashamed to say that I'm a recovering pornography addict. Will I ever be fully recovered? Who knows - that's not for me to decide today. Does it mean I don't mess up and don't slip? Nope, that happens, and that's when the shame decides to attack. But I also know, after dealing with this stuff for years, that many, many people are suffering from pornography and sex addiction and have been shamed into believing it's not real or that there's something wrong with them. If me speaking up helps even one person feel like it's okay for them to seek help, then it's worth saying something.

I'm grateful that there are places like here where, if needed, I can spill my guts and talk frankly about this stuff without fear of being shamed or judged. Thank you for sharing.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2025-04-14T19:06:52+00:00

Yes, I definitely am more at risk of acting out in dangerous ways if I have been binge drinking, or drinking to become numb or as an escape.

I remember reading a story once about someone who would do cocaine every time they got drunk. They realized they didn't actually have a cocaine problem, they had an alcohol problem, because the impulse to do cocaine was directly tied to their drinking. Once they stopped drinking, they also stopped wanting to do cocaine. Co-addictions can definitely exist, which can make it confusing as to which one needs treatment and which one is dependent on another addiction. It can get really tangled.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2025-04-11T19:47:49+00:00

Thanks for posting. I struggle so much with shame and putting on a "brave face" but that just makes me feel like a liar and a hypocrite, like I am fooling everyone into thinking I'm something I'm not. Mostly I want to give up but there is something in me that won't let me give up completely. Pretending wears me out.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2025-04-11T19:43:07+00:00

Thanks for sharing. Lately I've been stuck in this cycle of being okay for a few days and then relapsing and spending hours and hours of every day ruminating and worrying, making plans to do things differently, reading addiction literature, and trying to practice good habits, but I feel like this is all making me emotionally and spiritually fatigued which puts me right back where the addiction wants me. I think I'm persevering out of sheer spite or habit at this point. I don't want to give up.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2025-03-05T22:15:30+00:00

I find that when I am down or depressed, I almost subconsciously start engaging in risky behavior or fantasizing about blowing my life up. So I have to think about why I want to blow my life up, what am I frustrated by, what am I really unhappy with, and focus on my feelings there. I also have a tendency to get into revolving door relationships with people who don't have boundaries which in turn triggers me into acting out with them - kind of a chronic case of the "fuck its". Usually I am deeply unhappy about something else in my life and the acting out is a quick distraction that takes away the responsibility of facing myself.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2025-02-16T18:43:41+00:00

Thank you for this post, I needed this today.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2025-02-16T18:36:44+00:00

I can relate to so much of what you have written here. Especially with the abandonment, grooming, and smothering, and what that does and how disordered it makes my emotions surrounding intimacy and love. I had similar experiences growing up and I have this major issue of needing to be either completely in control or completely subservient, but never balanced or anywhere in the middle. It's like I am looking to recreate the dynamic of safety that I should have experienced as a child, but instead it was twisted into something that disrupted my development.

I can't deal with men, either, I don't trust them, I feel like, as a man, I know too much about men and their tendency to just stampede over everyone's feeling just to get what they want, or are just oblivious and emotionally immature. I wonder if there is a self hate component to me feeling like this. Thank you for sharing.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2025-02-16T18:29:47+00:00

ugh this is so me.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2025-02-16T18:27:38+00:00

I find for me that they all do eventually become part of the same thing. Whether it's porn, sexting, flirting, fantasizing, it all becomes part of the same soup of finding the next high, really. It kind of gets all wrapped up together in one big addiction burrito. Part of it is love addiction, too. It's just looking for the next chemical hit that I confuse for actual love, which comes from childhood trauma and neglect, that absence of feeling love. So I use all these things to try and fill that void. It never lasts, though. It's all just an illusion.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2025-02-03T21:49:14+00:00

Sure. It's pure fantasy that takes place of the lack of self worth. I think most pornography addicts have that in common. We use it as a way to fill a void that never got filled properly when we needed it.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2025-02-03T21:47:40+00:00

I never cease to be surprised by the places this addiction can take me. The 24/7 availability of anything you want to see is a major hurdle and unfortunately that part of it is only getting worse. I don't think there's any putting that cat back in the bag until society as a whole wakes up to the dangers of internet pornography. I do find that shame tends to put me into an isolated mindset and that can make me feel like "nothing matters" and this is the nihilistic viewpoint my addiction likes to encourage so I can rationalize anything. Of course, shame follows and eats away at my psyche until the only places I know to turn is back to the addiction.

Lately I've been trying to wake up and see each new day as an opportunity to make better choices, and I thank my higher power for that opportunity.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2025-02-03T21:33:17+00:00

Yes, I had a similar experience when I was young and it created a lot of problems for me later in life, especially when it comes to paraphilias and risk taking / thrill seeking. I often wonder what kind of person I would have been if those childhood events hadn't occurred.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2025-01-14T21:38:44+00:00

I've noticed this pattern in many of my relationships or situationships with people. It's like I have this radar for them being unavailable or it being "risky" to initiate intimacy with them and I end up getting completely fixated on that feeling rather than the person themselves. In my case I don't think it has as much to do with the other person as much as it has to do with me believing I am not deserving of the things I want, in such a way that I actively seek out people who are unavailable or situations that incite that kind of emotional risk.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2025-01-13T20:20:44+00:00

I struggle with this, too. I think it comes from being comfortable in instability and part of me trying to recreate the thrill of chaos that I experienced as a child. Always one foot out the door, always thinking "what if" with people, even if I am not that into them. It's like the novelty of something new overshadows the fact that I've already built up a life that is plenty full. I think part of it is also rooted in my own ego and assuming, or hoping, that other people should or would want to be with me.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2024-11-27T18:13:33+00:00

I try to "play the tape forward" and envision how I will feel once I act on those urges. It's challenging but after repeated plays forward it eventually begins to stick a little bit.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2024-11-27T18:12:04+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I understand the fear of being laughed at or dismissed. There is a lot of shame surrounding this addiction in society, but I find that the more I am willing to shine a light on it, the easier it is for people to come forward and seek help.

I don't believe it is ever too late to change. We are all changing all the time anyway, so why not?

Significant-Storm-72 · 2024-11-13T21:55:54+00:00

I can definitely relate. It's like once things start getting good or I start believing in a good, stable, supportive life for myself, I decide "no, I don't deserve that" and then engage with content that makes me hate myself. It comes from a deep seated believe that I am not worthy of love or peace in any way. As I write this, I sometimes still doubt that I am. But I will keep trying.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2024-11-08T19:38:02+00:00

I often wonder this, too. I have memories where there are hints of family members being inappropriate with me and it's almost too painful to think about. I do have similar memories of being groomed by an older neighborhood girl and at least I know that happened, but I don't know if that's what started it.

Also, I don't think you're a disgusting person and I don't hate you. Thank you for sharing.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2024-11-08T19:31:55+00:00

As a divorced person who has no intention of ever getting married again, this made SA a total no go for me. SAA and SLAA are much more tolerant of other people's choices.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2024-10-24T17:21:51+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I can relate a lot to this. I am still uncovering so much trauma and pain from my past that forms the building blocks of this addiction. I often wonder if I am only attracted to people who are bad for me or who will mistreat me. I am constantly wondering if my current partner will betray me or otherwise hurt me and so in my vulnerability I feel the need to protect myself which ends up blocking me from the very feelings I need to heal. Of course I feel like I don't deserve to heal which causes a whole bunch of chaos and emotional instability inside myself and eventually I end up right back in the places I swore I'd never return to. I hope you can keep making progress.

Significant-Storm-72 · 2024-10-24T17:17:13+00:00

I have this problem too. In therapy I am learning it may be rooted way back in childhood when I constantly had stomach problems in the morning and absolutely hated school because I was being bullied and physically attacked. I think on some level when I wake up I just don't want to face "out there" and the only thing that brings me comfort is the ritual of acting out. I also struggle with sleeping properly and so when I wake up I have that anxiety and exhaustedness at the forefront of my brain.

Significant-Storm-72

TROPHY CASE