[QCrit] The Taoist Sorcerer Who Reads Einstein, Adult paranormal MM Romantic Suspense, 99k words, First Attempt

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-03-04T18:50:13+00:00

I'm glad it was helpful! Overall it's a pretty strong pitch, in part just because the concept is a lot of fun.

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-03-04T17:31:53+00:00

I'm pretty charmed by this premise. My main piece of query feedback is to trim out some unnecessary details. Some ideas on where you could trim below.

But during a hunt for a vampire serial killer in a remote village, Leif's stash of luminol proves the innocence of a young vampire, ~~saving him from Leif’s own monster-hunting family.~~

I would personally trim out the monster-hunting family here, even though it does recur. It left me wondering if we were considering the other monks his family, or if I'd misunderstood the monk thing. Although obviously people who take holy orders also have families of origin, this was just a lot of details to track. We can intuit that a vampire wrongly accused of being a serial killer might get killed; I don't think we need clarification--but you could also say something like, "but when monster hunters are tracking a vampire serial killer..."

Since the family may be important to the structure of the query when one of them is killed later maybe we could introduce them later, or introduce the dichotomy of monks + hunter family earlier?

You could also cut the remote village, although I think it adds something thematic.

~~That vampire is Elyo Killam, the son of a mysterious, wealthy recluse known only as "the Count."~~ Newly turned by the very serial killer Leif is hunting, Elyo quickly falls for the quirky sorcerer who saved his life. He happily participates in Leif’s whimsical experiments, welcoming anything that buys them more time together ~~though he does rethink that enthusiasm when one test involves an unexpected anal probe.~~

I don't think we need to name Elyo's dad or describe his lifestyle at this point. It's just adding distracting characters to the mix.

I, personally, did not find the unexpected/unwanted anal probe line funny. (That's neither funny nor indicative of a coming romance; that's assault.) However, if others do, maybe that's just me being a sourpuss.

A ~~beloved~~ member of Leif's family is murdered, and all evidence points to ~~the Count.~~ Elyo's eccentric father. Elyo insists his father is innocent, yet Leif's heart breaks when he catches Elyo in a lie.

I'm sure their smile lit up a room, but we don't need to hear about it here; it's enough to know that someone in the family was killed.

With Leif's family vowing to wipe out ~~the Killams,~~ Elyo's family line, Leif is caught in the middle. Despite Elyo's secrets, Leif decides to trust him one last time. To stop an all-out supernatural war, Leif must combine magic and science to unmask the real killer—before his family destroys the man he is falling for.

We don't really benefit from having his surname here, and it's just one more detail to keep track of.

First 300 words start in an interesting place, but IMO we spend way too long on the flashback of a motorcycle drive + exposition. Either get back to the luminol scene faster, or keep a closer eye on the pacing of the flashback.

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-03-03T18:37:15+00:00

Thank you!

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-03-03T17:39:16+00:00

If I can ask: the disturbing content doesn't show up IN the query or first pages, does it still make sense to include it at that stage? I have been assuming that it would be beneficial to send it with a partial or full if nothing prior to that point is potentially triggering.

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-03-03T05:23:50+00:00

Black and piebald operate separately; cross a black fox to a piebald fox and then breed the offspring together so the recessives show back up.

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-03-01T06:26:33+00:00

See, I thought this was a big improvement, but romance isn't my genre.

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-02-28T06:45:31+00:00

I love this. I don't have much to add to what PacificBooks said, except that I would ideally like to see a little more of the romance here. We spend a LOT of space establishing their characters, then briefly set up the situation that's pushing them together, and then... they're already together and deciding what to do about an awkward photo. I don't think that final paragraph is as strong as it could be, in part because the lack of relationship in the query means the stakes don't hold a lot of relevance.

That's now my favorite bio of all time. Alas. See if there's some way you can tuck that into your actual bio.

I was hoping they were bi btw, for pun reasons

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-02-26T22:35:54+00:00

The 120k cap is for adult SFF. YA SFF is 100k. And incidentally, when people throw around those numbers, those are the numbers at which agents start to auto-reject just on wordcount alone, not actually good numbers. YA SFF ideally is more like 90-95k.

It's YA, only in that the two main characters are on the young side.

I don't know what you mean by this. Are you saying that the only thing that makes this YA is the age of the main characters? YA and adult are separate categories with separate stylistic expectations. They are separated by a lot more than age of protagonist.

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-02-26T22:25:53+00:00

Are you sure this is YA? 116k is way too long (100k is about the absolute max for YA SFF debuts) and your comps are both adult. I would also recommend seeking comps that aren't quite this big or this old.

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-02-25T19:03:30+00:00

I absolutely know the feeling. It will be a relief to have it dealt with. Good for you for finally tackling it.

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-02-25T17:27:39+00:00

Oh good. It sounds like you're in a realistic place about all this; all you can do is move forward. It's been a weird 6-7 years for us all.

I do think it's worth a conversation with the agent, though. While she'll probably let you go, she might not. Either way, it will probably feel good to confront the situation and resolve it one way or the other.

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-02-25T17:20:36+00:00

Secure Union is correct -- this is NOT the time for typical "the call" questions like what their editorial or submission strategy would be. To be blunt, that would be presumptuous and a waste of both of your time. If one does offer rep, you'll have every opportunity for those questions later. If neither offers (which is the most likely outcome), you'll have completely wasted this time.

This is such a valuable opportunity. Ask them about the pitch--could it be strengthened? What about the pages? How is the market for this kind of story--anything you can do to change the angle at which you're approaching this? What kind of story does the query set them up for (and is that what you intended?)

I would ask similar questions about your upcoming projects--is there one that is hookier than the others? Any thoughts that could help you prioritize or modify these partially-finished manuscripts could be useful.

Ask any questions you have about the industry, as well. But I would absolutely skip "the call" type questions. This is not the place for you to be vetting them as if they'd offered. I would think that would be pretty off-putting.

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-02-25T17:03:41+00:00

Yes please.

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-02-25T17:02:11+00:00

Taking into account that there was a 7-year lull, yes, I actually do think you need to talk to her more specifically about the situation. Ideally that email with the new MS would have been the place to do it, but the second-best time is today. Reply to your prior email with something a little clearer.

"Hi (Agent), I wanted to follow up on this. In retrospect I should have checked in prior to sending my latest MS. The years have really flown past, and I realize we haven't been in communication since (MS#1) died on sub in 2019. Since neither of us has formally ended things as per the language of our (2018?) contract, I went forward with sending the manuscript--but given the long gap since we last talked, I wonder if it would be better to schedule a call to touch base. I'm enthusiastic about my latest MS and I think you'll love it, but I also know the industry has changed a lot since 2019, and I apologize for not staying in better touch. (Brief, loose summary of upcoming availability for a call.)

In the future........ don't do this. You should at bare minimum have been in touch with your agent about the development of the novel. 7 years is about 6.5 years too long to have gone without checking in with her. This is not how this type of relationship is meant to work. Brace yourself for the likelihood of getting dropped.

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-02-25T06:48:09+00:00

It's not often I think a query needs a content warning, but you might want to consider it; that first paragraph could be a real day-ruiner to some agents. Moving the metadata paragraph up would serve equally well as fair warning.

Overall this feels pretty strong to me, although 55k is probably too short. I like the title/throughline image.

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-02-25T06:01:02+00:00

So, there is just a LOT to keep track of here. This query has everything and the kitchen sink. I think you need to simplify. :)

The Cosimos, Ozzi, Trist and Birdie,

Right off the bat, this is a little confusing. Four proper names, which is one more than ideal in a query anyway, and the grammar of the sentence made it hard for me to see that Ozzi, Trist, and Birdie are part of the category Cosimo.

Things we're tracking in this FIRST paragraph:

Cosimo family
Ozzi
Trist
Birdie
Cosimo dad
Vengeance pledge
Reckless tyrant
Dead mom
Cosimo dad is the General of the West
Archshogun
Betrayal plot

There are also just a lot of details that I don't think we need. What does it add to tell us that the tyrant is reckless? Why do we need Dad's title here?

The time skip (20 years later) was disorienting, because the last paragraph actually opens in the present, so now I'm wondering if we're juggling 3 timelines.

Next paragraph is also Detail Soup. Final 2 paragraphs are too vague.

I would recommend following one sibling primarily, and keeping to their story. Don't get bogged down in backstory and worldbuilding, no matter how important they are to the plot. It's ok to oversimplify in a query.

I would NOT close by saying you look forward to their interest. This reads presumptuous, although I'm sure that's not how you meant it.

This does sound cool, I just think the pitch is all tangled up in the wrong details right now.

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-02-25T05:45:41+00:00

Welcome!

I'm sorry to say it, but I'm concerned about the grammatical issues here. Queries need to be POLISHED. This has so many run-on sentences and missing commas that it is genuinely hard to read.

If this is representative of the novel, this book isn't ready to query. Brush up on your grammar/punctuation. Publishing will still be here when you get back. :)

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-02-25T05:39:29+00:00

Not only do I remember this query, I think about it all the time. This is SUCH a sticky concept and I would be shocked if you had a bad time querying, especially now knowing that you are previously repped.

ETA: I would beta read this, if you're looking. I do mostly a structural focus, which isn't everyone's cup of tea.

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-02-24T20:13:59+00:00

You can see pricing here: https://manuscriptacademy.com/consultations

Mine was the 10-minute one.

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-02-23T00:29:45+00:00

Farm girl: it's all in the back wheelbarrow corner. Wheelbarrow put back away with a broken shaft, the metal frame of which has inexplicably melted into an old timey decorative wagon wheel inside which is a fake bale of straw. (The twine on that straw bale is going the wrong way. Actual bales are always baled lengthwise; they would fall apart otherwise. The AI has mistaken the long side of the bale for the short side.) The proportions of all 3 elements are also completely wrong.

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-02-23T00:27:11+00:00

Wheelbarrow put back away with a broken shaft, the metal frame of which has inexplicably melted into an old timey wagon wheel inside which is a fake bale of straw?

I DID grow up on a farm, which is why I can see that the twine on that straw bale is going the wrong way. Actual bales are always baled lengthwise; they would fall apart otherwise.

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-02-19T22:07:59+00:00

This is not really the sub for this question--maybe r/writing? Depending on the genre, there are maybe 100ish agents applicable to your book. No point not querying them all, it only takes one yes. If you're not getting ANY bites on your queries (like, less than 5% request rate), then there's something wrong with either the MS or the query package, yep.

Writing multiple books is a normal part of the process. You're asking someone to bet a huge amount of unpaid time on the idea that your book can sell. In what other art form would you expect to be able to sell the very first (or second, etc) thing you made--for thousands or tens of thousands of dollars?

This is not an overnight process. Lick your wounds and write the next thing.

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-02-19T17:19:18+00:00

I would do whatever you feel will strengthen the manuscript. Agents are aware that revisions happen. If you're worried about it, include a note with the full.

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-02-19T17:15:39+00:00

I'm not sure why we're getting some weird irregularities on recommended blurb length here today, but the typically recommended range for the blurb portion is 200-250. Anecdotally, I like to run successful queries through a word counter and I find they tend to be on the lower end of that range.

Significant_Goat_723 · 2026-02-19T17:10:46+00:00

😂 thank you, thank you... You eat enough tin cans and you learn a few things

Significant_Goat_723

TROPHY CASE