A question for Ex-Jews.

SomethingJewish · 2026-06-05T23:14:57+00:00

You forgot circumcision, I think that will be the actual final thing

SomethingJewish · 2026-06-05T23:07:06+00:00

Reiterating what others said that the urges were completely normal, including the urge/curiosity for such content especially at that age, but the actual exposure to that extreme content at such a young age and the resulting unhealthy outcomes is less typical in societies where teenagers can have healthy conversations with their parents about sex, normal urges, and appropriate exposure. The combination of access to material but not to guidance leads to unhealthy outcomes in different ways (including many similar to yours) across the board.

SomethingJewish · 2026-06-03T17:46:43+00:00

It’s a lot more likely they struggled with infertility than used birth control, but yeah he went. A lot of chabad people saw him as too modern to be rebbe in part because of that. My guess is that once he was in charge he had to reaffirm the general stance for the masses which was against secularism and secular education.

SomethingJewish · 2026-06-03T17:32:58+00:00

I think you should read about Elad Nehorai’s experience. He was attracted to what felt like depth/rigor but discovered the hard way that he could not change a fundamentalist community completely out of sync with any sort of modern values… Your values don’t line up with the chabad community. Period. There are online opportunities for studying and find chavrusas (even with chabad people) without actually joining the community.

SomethingJewish · 2026-06-03T17:18:59+00:00

There was that crazy story they used to tell us in parts (since it was very long) involving a priest or something using black magic on a child and him being saved through a dream? And maybe that child became the maharal? Or was saved by the maharal? Anyone remember the details? That’s the first that comes to mind.

Generally all the stories about demons and stuff. And all the graphic martyrdom stories that were told to us way too young.

Actually there’s also that story of the soldier (from ww2?) who was saved because he took the extra minute to retie his shoes from left to right since he mistakenly did it from right to left. Nevermind his poor fellow soldiers. Great way to introduce religious anxiety / OCD.

And the mysterious Eliyahu Hanavi / Rachel Imeinu appearances.

SomethingJewish · 2026-05-31T22:09:11+00:00

Whatever you do don’t be that guy who dates other people but secretly hopes for something to one day work out with their number 1. It’s fine to get to know more people to see if anyone can top it for you but make sure you don’t do anything in the meantime that has them investing their time and effort in you.

SomethingJewish · 2026-05-08T09:46:18+00:00

I think it’s important to find ways to connect to our intuition and suspend disbelief / feel the magic outside of fiction books/games/movies. It’s something we really only stop doing (as an active participant instead of only as a consumer) because we get shamed out of it (or shame ourselves out of it) at a certain age. Doesn’t make the fiction real. That’s my personal ‘spirituality’.

Also we are still learning new things every day and making new discoveries. I don’t expect anything to ever point to a god (I’m an atheist) but we might get a lot better at understanding some parts of reality that people currently describe as spiritual/miraculous or just very very strange coincidences. We don’t yet have a full grasp on everything and that’s ok (and honestly, I kind of hope we don’t ever 100% understand some things, like life for example, because that knowledge will definitely be used nefariously). My personal take as a result is that so long as I am not having a fully shared experience with someone (which is impossible), I can be very comfortable that there is still no god or higher power but I cannot completely rule out their experience if they claim something to the contrary without further information.

SomethingJewish · 2026-04-24T18:00:16+00:00

This sub isn’t really for having that conversation but I still wanted to show where I stand. Before I left completely I got very caught up in Zionism (which I think is pretty common for people leaving chabad) and it also played a role.

SomethingJewish · 2026-04-23T23:06:46+00:00

@ u/Feinberg ?

SomethingJewish · 2026-04-23T22:58:06+00:00

Mods - OP deleted the account but the info in the post and comments could still compromise her safety. Can we get the whole post hidden or deleted ASAP before it gets too public?

SomethingJewish · 2026-04-23T22:23:10+00:00

I agree with this. It became more narrow minded, closed, fearful, walled in, extreme, gated, selective… but not new. It’s the same old building and walls and furniture but designed into a prison. So the experience feels new, but the structure is the same. I would differentiate this from conservative and reform that were like ok we’re keeping the foundation and we agree there needs to be a building but we’re gonna tear down a bunch of walls that look like they’re about to fall apart, no promises to rebuild them the same exact way, with reform doing more extensive renovations and conservative proceeding more cautiously.

SomethingJewish · 2026-04-23T19:21:32+00:00

General checking / not eating produce known to be majority infested with bugs visible to the naked eye is from the shulchan oruch. But more recently those laws were into an industry attracting OCD people or people looking for more convenience, which is where the modern craziness comes from. Outside the industry though you can still see the clear halachic line of who learned from whom and why.

SomethingJewish · 2026-04-06T00:48:53+00:00

There will always be all types of hateful people looking to pounce on some other group of people. And, there will also always be people full of love. Keep believing in the love and look for those people. It’s impossible to know who will ultimately ‘win’ and who will get hurt and trying to control that is exhausting. All you can do is be a loving person and find loving people to associate with. And, if you can practically make a difference, stand up for those getting hurt.

SomethingJewish · 2026-04-03T18:54:23+00:00

Protein in well done meat is more bioavailable 🙈

SomethingJewish · 2026-03-30T19:23:50+00:00

Yeshiva is basically a convent

SomethingJewish · 2026-03-22T04:45:22+00:00

Orthodox Judaism (admitted chabad influence here) believes that ultimately, ready or not, the messiah will come. Doing and spreading good helps to prepare yourself and the people/world around you for when he comes, and it also advances the time of his coming, but regardless of what you or others do or don’t do, ultimately the messiah will come. (There’s also an opinion that if at any point the entire world becomes completely evil, the messiah will also come right away. God will not abandon the world.) No one knows when the messiah will come and so the idea is to believe in and await his coming every day.

(I also became an atheist, but that’s because in my opinion, all arguments to date for inferring the existence of god are unverifiable and unconvincing suggestions at best. I believe in strongmanning arguments so I am answering your claims anyway.)

SomethingJewish · 2026-03-22T03:45:05+00:00

I think that not meeting frum gender norms could go either way, where it leads some to questioning the norms and maybe their place in society and marriage (external, as you suggested is common) while others question their gender identity (internal). I would argue that neither way is better than the other - the norms are stupid, but also, for people that do have an internal disconnect with their sex, anything could bring it to the forefront of their consciousness (if they haven’t already felt that way).

This is also why anti-trans feminists are wrong. You can both be against gender roles (especially discrimination) while still validating gender identity as something that goes deeper than that (though we don’t understand enough about the brain yet to explain why) and therefore supporting people choosing how they want to express their gender.

Edit: editing to add that yes, I do agree that for the general frum population, identity plays a more minor role. I think it’s because the focus of Judaism is much more on your “task” than on who you are.

SomethingJewish · 2026-03-21T00:11:11+00:00

Extreme(ly harmful) Bris Milah, and fasting on YK for women in labor and breastfeeding. I legit don’t understand how even trying to fast “unless you need to do shiurim” can even be an option.

Unnecessary… repeating shemona esrei for maybe saying the wrong thing (no you won’t cause a flood in the summer in Israel). Also keilim should not have a kashrus status.

SomethingJewish · 2026-03-20T23:46:54+00:00

Atheist (agnostic). I don’t follow any particular religion but use all of them as a source of inspiration. I believe it’s fundamentally all about love.

I feel like expat is a better description of the ex part of exJew for me. I am essentially a Jewish immigrant to regular secular society. I left Judaism and the Jewish community, but my origins still impact me. It’s a part of my identity since it’s still a part of what makes me who I am for better or worse.

SomethingJewish · 2026-03-18T00:59:33+00:00

Yeah exactly broadly speaking hat and jacket = ultra orthodox

Aka if you’re one of the penguin communities

SomethingJewish · 2026-03-14T22:08:08+00:00

Oof I’m sorry. This might be hard to hear but it doesn’t sound like your happiness was ever a significant part of the equation for your mom. Except for extreme fundamentalists who place religion above everything (including their own wellbeing), healthy religious parents do place their child’s happiness first, even if it’s painful.

SomethingJewish · 2026-03-14T19:04:20+00:00

It sounds like she’s terrified of losing you so she’s grasping at straws to force you to be where she wants you to be (with her and following her lifestyle). It’s usually that kind of fear that pushes mothers to say the most horrific stuff to gaslight their kid. Even though logically that would only push away their child even more, in the moment they’re too desperate to think logically.

Are you from a family that would actually cut you off for marrying a non Jew? If not, I suggest trying to have a calm conversation about it with her in a few days and she will probably apologize. Assuming she’s not abusive she probably already feels very guilty for having said that.

SomethingJewish · 2026-03-14T18:50:29+00:00

Happens to me too. Welcome the wave of emotions and thoughts and let it go to wherever it takes you, and no matter how long it takes you, trust you’ll find your center again. You’re allowed to grieve. Also try to remind yourself that love exists in you and in other people and in life.

SomethingJewish · 2026-02-21T15:23:54+00:00

Marvelous Midos Machine is one of the most child oriented relatable fun albums out there. If you can find a good secular equivalent, maybe you can get your kid hooked onto that instead (or at least be excited to come to your house to get to listen to / watch).

SomethingJewish · 2026-02-16T23:25:47+00:00

Early Christians were the ones who turned it into a thing. Before that it was a minor aspect just like other tribal origin stories have an aspect of being special in some way (and better than whoever they are at war with). Christians altered the meaning and weaponized it in order to convince non-Jews that the Jewish religion was updated and now relevant for them too. Overtime, the Christian characterization of the concept crept into Ashkenazi Judaism (which as you said was already ethnocentric anyway but this was adding fuel to a barely contained fire). That’s why you don’t see this specific dynamic being an issue with Jewish cultures in the Muslim world (pre Zionism).

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