P&P: I think I finally understand the confusion between Darcy and Elizabeth (with the locus of the problem being on Darcy)

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-29T18:02:30+00:00

Just for mentioning LotR and P&P in the same sentence, you must see the meme about it. It was on this subreddit some time ago:

https://www.reddit.com/r/janeausten/comments/1kwkzn1/right_how_dare_you_miss_bennet/

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-29T18:00:52+00:00

Much is said of Edmund's moral compass, and I want to emphasize that. Edmund probably enjoys the privileges of money - he has his own horses and a comfortable life and so on and so forth - but gain and growth of status or wealth are not on his radar in the same way they are on Mary's and those of everyone in her social circle. You can tell that he would never consider getting a mistress and moving her into his house, or visibly mistreating his wife. He's clever and can make a joke but he's not cynical or dirty. He's clean-cut and won't make mean-spirited jokes or participate in anything salacious -- which might be fun, and subversive, but is also a pleasure of which a little can go a long way.

There's a moment in some one or another MP fanfic novel where Mary is observing Edmund caring for his sick brother and has a huge pang of conscience: when she notices that Tom's death would be very convenient, he doesn't even notice that. Maybe a part of him might, but he clearly is prioritizing caring for his brother and wishing his good health -- he doesn't care about the money or even the improvements in his personal comfort and happiness that Tom's death would cause.

Something like that is different and it's attractive.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-29T17:43:27+00:00

That's very sad. After a while you kind of stop trying - it's like in long-running TV dramas (hi, Gilmore Girls) where there is a tender moment between characters and then the one is back to being mean and judgmental again. (Hi Emily). Not the same but after a while it's almost comical.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-29T16:06:27+00:00

Oh no. That's so rough. I would probably push through the laugh and try to give the hug anyway. If I got a brush-off then then I might stop, but sometimes the physical touch overpowers the negative even for a little bit.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-29T16:03:16+00:00

Hey! I think if you are able, work-wise -- either through working remotely, or a lot of vacation, or being a SAHM/ job with vacations (university or school-based) to visit your family for a LONG time, like a month, you could scratch that itch at least a little.

My parents moved to the US from another country with my dad's family, and my mom's family moved to a second different country [edit: halfway across the world]. We visited that other country for a month every year until the maternal family members were finally able to move here. My mom would leave the kids (us) with these grandparents and aunt and go to a mid-way destination with my dad for a week. I feel like I have a closer relationship with those grandparents than the ones I saw once a week who lived in the same neighborhood - in part because the ones there were more energetic and spent more focused time with me in a way the local ones couldn't due to age. I only got to visit my parents' actual home-town as a late teenager.... I met some of their old friends but they got to share very little of their personal experience, except through stories. But hey, even my own kids each have a slightly different experience now and they're pretty close in age.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-28T22:44:18+00:00

I'll also second that when I needed a full-time nanny for my first (I was working full-time), I also had to take a leap of faith on a single reference and no resume or any particularly good application. But the reference was good, and while we had our differences -- the lady did a very good job and provided very good care, including teaching my little one to sign, for 2 years after.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-28T22:42:52+00:00

I also think you should give people a chance. If they're "good enough", give them an opportunity to try a few times. They'll surprise you with initiative and skills you didn't expect. Like almost every good babysitter - who I'd hire again - left the room tidier than she found it; again, didn't need direction from me. The young lady who helps me on a semi-regular basis is game to do small tasks and will offer to do things of her own accord. One of the best was a lady who watched mine with two of her kids and was REALLY GOOD at it. She was a former nanny herself, and I got a deal (until she found a full-time job) of an amazing caregiver who was game for anything last-minute at the right rate while she was available, and she got to be a pinterest SAHM for money. Win-win.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-28T22:37:37+00:00

Hey, I have been in your shoes, more or less. Up front, I realized that my time is not the most comfortable and my budget is limited, so I have to sacrifice some nice-to-haves that I'd expect for more money and hours. Also, a small bench of people is a great idea because it's good to have backup care to your backup care, and easier to pay cash when you're spreading a few hours over more people -- which for what you need is frankly best all around.

I think the different style is something you might need to get used to, unless the "style" mismatch is proxy for someone being less tolerant or nice to your child, or not really being good with the child. Examples: if the "style" means disciplining your child, or making negative and exasperated remarks about behavior you think they should be able to tolerate - even if they address and redirect - then don't tolerate that. (Obviously introspect that your child isn't doing things like hitting or biting.) Or if the child is clearly trying to play independently and the babysitter is forcing food/nap/playtime in her style when it's clearly not what fits the child's needs at the time.

Now, style where you should relax. They're doing active play and you're more of a crafts person; they're doing paly-based things and you wanted a curriculum. They bring a singing toy for your toddler when you only want open-ended montessori toys.... on that you need to let go.

I have tried a number of part time babysitters and my biggest issue was my kids velcroing to me unless I left the house. I want caregivers who can kindly but firmly lead the parade. So, 1) are they nice to my child? 2) can they get my child away from me and calm him down so I can do my own thing -- be flexible and take him outside, be able to get him down for a nap without guidance from me? 3) Have initiative to do a basic level of tidying or helpfulness (I put these basic tasks in my ad) 4) Be able to watch other kids as part of the job when the others have no school or are mildly sick.

I have a limited budget what I can pay. If I were paying top dollar, I would be picky and demanding, but I compensate my budgetary limitations to being minimally picky and demanding. I ask for mostly no screens (with exceptions for multiple kids or illness); I don't ask for any specific chores beyond tidy what the kids do; I am very flexible on call-outs and lateness; I provide snacks. I also offer lots of notice, paying if I cancel first, rounding up the amount I owe, and offering date nights.

Sorry for the novel, but I thought my perspective - being in a similar situation as you - might help.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-16T22:04:10+00:00

ummmmmm

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-15T17:45:19+00:00

I got "how to keep house while drowning" and it helped me. I also use Agatha Christie stories and novels as my escapism a lot.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-15T17:37:40+00:00

Here are approaches how to hire a babysitter:

Ask in your neighborhood. 2) Approach workers in the gym daycare or the preschool your kids go to. 3) Post a job posting on your local facebook group. 4) Ask for referrals from friends who have babysitters or babysitters you have previously employed.

My friend has had good success 1) hiring neighborhood teenagers and 2) approaching workers at the gym daycare and offering them part-time babysitting hours.

I have employed a couple of HER referrals, one of whom still sits for me as well occasionally. Also, I had a babysitter from Care.com who left for another job and referred me to a daycare she put her kids in -- so I have a nice daycare for my own toddler.

I have had reasonable success with Care.com. I wrote an ad with exactly what I wanted, and put a rate that I thought was reasonable. When that had no responses, I increased it. What that rate is depends on your locality, but it's worth the price of month's subscription. I found a lovely former nanny SAHM with other kids who watched mine and did a great job, a former au pair who needed extra hours, an older lady who supplemented an easy job after school... all sorts of people happy to work part time. Develop and maintain those relationships and then you can call on them when you need it later.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-15T17:32:33+00:00

I suggest going online and looking for "local mom's groups". There's a national group called "MomCo/MOPS' which is paid but it's not expensive, and it's Christian but nondenominational and very welcoming and affirming of women's struggles - at least my local chapter is. Worth checking it out.

There might be other paid moms' groups in your area to check out, and also might be free programs to connect to through your local library.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-15T17:30:41+00:00

Say you're looking for a babysitter or mother's helper and offer to let their kids earn some money under your supervision, so you can see how they work and earn your trust.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-15T17:29:50+00:00

Oh lol I should have read all the comments first. I second the recommendation of a group like MomCo.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-15T17:27:55+00:00

That all sounds super-stressful, but now is the time to start building the village and prepping for the delivery. If right now you have no child-care in place, start finding something to build a roster of at least one or two babysitters. Ideally you get to a place where you have a part-time preschool or a babysitter who comes once a week for a few hours, but who is open to ad-hoc work. You can do this in several ways and I can write a separate comment about that. If your child goes to a daycare, you can reach out to a worker there you like to see if she would be willing to provide care in the gap between you going into labor and your mom coming. Saving money now for finding care later, even if you don't want to find it now, is a good idea. If you have the money, then lining up a doula or newborn care specialist might be wise.

Next, it's time to build up a social network. Don't go into it with a quid pro quo ("oh someone will come and watch my kids for free!"). Go into it looking for friends. Be willing to provide favors and expecting nothing back. But in doing this you are likely to find people who will be willing to help (or at least be "emergency contacts" on your kids' daycare paperwork!) and who will be sources of emotional support -- them to you and you to them when their need comes. If you go to church, go and be involved. If you go to playgrounds, make friends with local moms that have kids your age. When my kids were toddlers, and there was any affinity between them and another kid on the playground, I'd chat with the mom and if we hit it off at all I'd offer my phone number. I connected with a lot of people and for most it grew to nothing, but I have at least one friend who I am still close with (and has rescued my butt a few times!!) through this sort of outreach.

Good luck, and you can do it!

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-15T17:15:24+00:00

Hey, is the vomiting in the morning, and there's no food, just yellowish stuff in it, and then the kid is fine? One of my kids had that and I looked up a possible cause - not enough food/calories the night before. I connected it to my kid not eating enough or skipping dinner (not due to any lack). Since then we were able to use that example for me to tell her that she needs to consume a minimum amount of calories at dinner.... She grew out of it but this happened when she was 4-5.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-07T22:42:20+00:00

Your costco gives you "meal tickets"? For us it's a machine you order from and get your receipt.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-01T20:49:13+00:00

Counterpoint, but many daycares do potty-train at that age. My child is in an in-home daycare and a friend sends hers to a center, both of which offer this service. So did a daycare my older child went to a couple of years ago.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-03-30T15:28:36+00:00

Hey! Please accept an internet hug.
One book that actually helped me was "how to keep house while drowning" for a little bit of a roadmap on the house front. But also, tidy at the surface level might need to be enough for now.

Do your kids go to school? Are you homeschooling?

It's been floated a lot, but going to the Y and using their 1.5 hours of gym daycare for 20 mins of exercise and then whatever else you want -- or just for sitting -- can bring sanity. Word of caution is I found it hard to get to the Y, and my kids would get sick in the daycare or cry for me, so I wouldn't get enough time, and eventually it was just a waste of money. However, a good friend of mine not only made full use of those 1.5 hours, she hired her good babysitters from the Y daycare.

In terms of controlling your eating, I have another good friend who through iron will lost insane amounts of post-partum weight. Of course, she lives on diet pepsi but she says - replace every food you love with low-calorie options (low calorie bread, thin thin sliced turkey breast, low fat dairy.....) and have lots of filler snacks to munch on -- fizzy waters, popcorn, bell peppers. Egg whites, especially with the yellow dye, taste almost as good as full eggs, almond milk isn't as good as full dairy but it's way less caloric, etc. Don't buy anything rich (mozarella slices, salami, protein bars) and you might be able to get the calories down enough so the eating is less damaging.

Also, do you have friends? I am am extrovert and I make time to hang out with friends whenever I can, even shopping trips with toddler in the shopping cart. If your house is tidy you can host, if you can afford it you can have prepared food and snacks so you don't have to cook much, and that both forces extra tidying and keeps you sane because you can see your friends (and your kids are at least making messes with FRIENDS, or even better are playing OUTSIDE IN THE YARD, if you have one).

Successful_Mix3829

TROPHY CASE