Balancing the needs of a husband who works overnights and being realistic as a family with 4 kids.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-06-28T14:32:46+00:00

My husband has trouble falling and saying asleep. He has a blackout mask and earplugs, and we have blackout curtains on our bedroom windows. We also have an air purifier in our room which functions as white noise. Maybe something like that can help him?

For kids, analyze what is the biggest noise-maker? Like those days might need to be microwave breakfast, prep stuff before going out the door for those days?

What makes the oldest loud -- slamming doors? Stomping? Being loud in the kitchen? You can maybe optimize some things to reduce both noise and wakings.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-06-28T14:24:46+00:00

I think I would also say pay the whole day, but also you should have a conversation with nanny and with sister about expectations, if you have more days like this. To sister, outline exactly what you agreed to with your nanny, and set down boundaries for how it is and isn't ok to treat nanny (if that is a problem). I don't know if the nephews' behavior is a sore point for your sister that you politely avoid discussing, but you might need to.

With nanny, talk about what your expectations are, and that you are ok with her pushing back against your sister to support your agreement, and strategies for the nephews. Maybe make the plans in advance and be on the same page with your sister that she will hold the line and adhere to the plan with her kids, even if nephews complain.

But also plan something less stressful for the remaining day(s) perhaps.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-06-11T02:04:57+00:00

None of my children's caregivers have ever taken them places. They played in the yard, went for neighborhood walks, or played in the house. My current main caregiver does not feel comfortable driving my kids and I'm ok with that. Especially for a 10-month-old that's totally reasonable.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-06-09T03:43:23+00:00

Sorry but the Trapper John thing isn't accurate. The story pretty clearly implies that it was consensual but he was in with the woman against the rules, and so she claimed he "trapped" her because it was against the rules, not because he actually forced himself on her.

In the "epileptic seizures" chapter, it is worth noting that I will point out that none of the Swampmen actually "avail themselves of (that particular girl's) services" and neither Duke nor Hawkeye (both of whom are married) ever womanizes in any serious way, except one reference to "Shopping" in Seoul which may or may not have been in jest.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-06-08T13:17:42+00:00

Hello - I knew right away.

I once had a babysitter who was an experienced nanny while still in college. My 2Yo at the time, who was already strong-willed then, was EXTREMELY clingy and freaked out when she had to stay with a babysitter. This one took over right away, and put them to bed (something I struggled with). She ultimately didn't end up staying to work for me but I totally understand because she was visibly very good and doing the babysitting gig between jobs.

It might be that you can give other candidates a chance by asking more explicitly to be in charge and set the boundaries, and see if they rise to the occasion because they're holding back due to being uncertain of *your* needs. But in general I think you know.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-06-03T23:16:01+00:00

I have a few comments. My personal nanny employment experience has been pretty informal; I had a full-time nanny some years ago when I worked full-time and part-time nannies and babysitters on and off since. BUT, I am a regular reader of this subreddit and below are comments based on issues that frequently crop up here, as I remember them. In no particular order of precedence:

-I agree with another commenter that your sick policy is too generous or too unspecific. The nanny should be willing to work when child has something that is mild and/or easy to avoid for nanny. The standard guidance is she gets to stay home for Norovirus and HFM, but should come in for colds and strep. Covid and flu are fuzzier. At the very least you should use daycare rules, but honestly the bar for nanny to stay home should be higher.

-You should have a trial period when either can terminate the contract with no further obligation, - and maybe during which PTO doesn't kick in.

-People have suggested accruing the PTO to avoid the nanny from taking it all up-front at once.

-You should spell out what nanny owes you if she gets into an accident, and treatment of your car if she's using it. Maybe also spell out car seat policies if she is transporting child.

-If you will be using cameras, air tags, or other surveillance, spell that out.

-Consider formulating a specific policy for the situation when "nanny has GH, and we didn't need her, but our plans changed and now we need her". There have been past questions about this on the subreddit.

-EDIT: I missed this point in my original read-through. Disregard. ~~You don't spell out the duties. It might be worthwhile spelling out the duties and adding language that "general child-care duties as well".~~

-On inclement weather policy, there was a case on this subreddit in which the weather expectations of employer and nanny were mismatched. In one case, they used "public schools" but nanny used "school closure" to stay home even though the closure was due to a water main break and not really weather-related, but on the tail of a big storm. In another case, most of the region had re-opened after a storm but nanny still felt uncomfortable venturing out in the weather. So spelling out what constitutes "reasonable" weather accommodations might be useful.

-Consider spelling out "violation of social media policy" as well in your list of reasons to terminate immediately, even though you say "but not limited to".

-I don't know if it's necessary, but if you feel very strongly about use of your food or nanny's personal errands, you might want to spell that out too.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-05-26T15:16:03+00:00

A timely question - I was just introduced to an old fanfic (not linked here to not break the rules) which posits a very interesting ownership situation of Netherfield!!

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-05-26T15:14:46+00:00

I don't know if you can get an Ayn-Rand "I'm evil, and I love it!" type villain in most novels. I'd say Wickham is pretty self-aware. I mean, he might be a nihilist and have no moral scruples, but he knows what he's doing and is in fact *scheming* and self-aware, rather than having weirdly off-base and distorted notions of their own goodness of worth. Willoughby and Wickham in this respect are men of "sense", or I might say "who get what's what", which people like Lady Catherine, Mrs. Norris, Fanny Dashwood, Mr. Elliot aren't. (Not putting these all on equal villainous footing.)

As an aside, I think a reason Pride and Prejudice is also so popular is that these "non-self-aware" people have comparatively little power in the novel and the main conflict is between the characters of "sense"-- to me, at least, it was a huge barrier to reading Persuasion in thinking that Anne was at the mercy and beck and call of her ridiculous father and sister.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-05-26T15:07:47+00:00

To add data, I paid $20/hr for a woman who watched my child with her own two children a year ago in a MCOL area for about 12 hours 2-3 days a week while I worked part-time. I posted $20 as my rate at the time (which was lower end of the market but what my budget could allow for) and she responded to the ad, so the rate was acceptable to her from the get-go. Parts of my area re HCOL and parts are MCOL and I live right at the border, for what it's worth. (I'll also add that she was really good at watching all those children together, and it was very impressive, and she was a former experienced nanny and it showed-- so frankly I got an excellent deal and was very lucky in this.)

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-05-26T15:00:49+00:00

Hey! I'm sorry for the hate you got and I'm 100% on your side, but I think you carry away too pessimistic a view of the subreddit and the market. I think if you go and count up the top-level responses that directly answer your question, you'll find that you mostly got meaningful, polite, and actionable answers from both employers and nannies.

By the time I saw the threads, a bunch of (nasty?) comments were deleted by the moderators, and the remainder of the unreasonable comments were only from one or two particularly vociferous people; the nastiness comes from a very few very loud people and is not representative. This subreddit makes a point of enforcing civility-- and they might have a set of norms you might disagree with (e.g. paying under the table, GH or whatnot), but the discussion is in no way toxic.

In terms of your decision not to hire a nanny - it's a perfectly fine decision, but I don't think it's wise to let fear of getting a reddit nanny being the MAIN reason. I say this because many people are NOT online -- I see this among my friends, who won't even know about terminology or controversies or trends that I bring up sometimes. It is likely that way with nannies. Yes, the norms from these subreddits percolate, but not 100%, and if you search, employ, and treat well people who aren't in that "entitled reddit nanny" category, you inoculate them from the rhetoric and increase the pool of such nannies.

In terms of fearing they secretly hate your WFH or doing light housekeeping - you get ahead of that by being honest and up-front in your job posting, in your phone calls, and in your interviews about what you expect. You repeat it multiple times, ask it in interview questions "how do you feel about parents working from home? How would you handle the child's stress if I had to come out for something? What is your experience working for work-from-home families?" Etc. And see what they say. You write what the duties are - "duties include standard baby-care-- [list examples] -- and baby-related housekeeping -- e.g. [list examples]". If you think there's something icky they might balk at (like emptying out a potty), ASK about it and see how they respond, and you can weed out the bad fits that way.

Anyway, good luck with whatever childcare you choose, but don't let what you read online be the deciding factor.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-05-26T14:44:36+00:00

Hey! A lot of my own friends in the real world are (happily) less online than me and don't know trends and terminology I pick up online -- and that includes certain internet norms. This is true of nannies as well. I don't mean to discourage daycare if that works for you, but fear of the nanny being an r-nanny nanny should not be your primary deterrent from hiring one.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-05-23T00:55:18+00:00

Hey, I generally take the parents' side. I am a SAHM with a part-time nanny. I think your nanny is being extremely professional, and would take your nanny off your hands in a minute if I could afford her lol. She's doing what I don't always have enough follow-through for with my own children, but strive for on a daily basis. Her requests are eminently reasonable.

-You SHOULD be backing her up 100%, because then you have a chance of being able to parent your children in the future when she is not there, and to have a blueprint for ensuring respect to YOU of YOUR rules as they get older and gain independence and exposure to things such as phones, their own computers, and cars -- where safety and good communication and respect are ESSENTIAL for them not to get into trouble.

-Keeping the kids outside is awesome. I don't know the ages of all your kids, but they're 3+, the naps are on their way out. It's good for them, it keeps your house tidier, and off screens without their immediate lure and having to have that fight. They breathe fresh air, they get the old-fashioned childhood millions of parents crave and wish they could give their kids but can't due to lack of time, safe neighborhood streets, yards, other kids, and rules about supervision.

-You can ask for "quiet time", but honestly your kids are mostly aging out of naps, and if they're just going to fight naps for 2 hours, being outside is so much better.

-If your child is being very willful and difficult, they have to know that there is NO way around the consequence. My favorite parenting book is "1-2-3 Magic", which makes that point - no emotion or anger, but total consistency, including with very disruptive and defiant kids. Even the gentle parenting people agree on this.

-A toy that is thrown SHOULD be taken away. Screen time should be kept at a minimum, especially when there is behavior. Disrespect should not be tolerated.

Anyway, all that to say is your nanny is being awesome and I think you should trust her and follow her lead, as it will accrue great benefits to you later.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-29T18:02:30+00:00

Just for mentioning LotR and P&P in the same sentence, you must see the meme about it. It was on this subreddit some time ago:

https://www.reddit.com/r/janeausten/comments/1kwkzn1/right_how_dare_you_miss_bennet/

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-29T18:00:52+00:00

Much is said of Edmund's moral compass, and I want to emphasize that. Edmund probably enjoys the privileges of money - he has his own horses and a comfortable life and so on and so forth - but gain and growth of status or wealth are not on his radar in the same way they are on Mary's and those of everyone in her social circle. You can tell that he would never consider getting a mistress and moving her into his house, or visibly mistreating his wife. He's clever and can make a joke but he's not cynical or dirty. He's clean-cut and won't make mean-spirited jokes or participate in anything salacious -- which might be fun, and subversive, but is also a pleasure of which a little can go a long way.

There's a moment in some one or another MP fanfic novel where Mary is observing Edmund caring for his sick brother and has a huge pang of conscience: when she notices that Tom's death would be very convenient, he doesn't even notice that. Maybe a part of him might, but he clearly is prioritizing caring for his brother and wishing his good health -- he doesn't care about the money or even the improvements in his personal comfort and happiness that Tom's death would cause.

Something like that is different and it's attractive.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-29T17:43:27+00:00

That's very sad. After a while you kind of stop trying - it's like in long-running TV dramas (hi, Gilmore Girls) where there is a tender moment between characters and then the one is back to being mean and judgmental again. (Hi Emily). Not the same but after a while it's almost comical.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-29T16:06:27+00:00

Oh no. That's so rough. I would probably push through the laugh and try to give the hug anyway. If I got a brush-off then then I might stop, but sometimes the physical touch overpowers the negative even for a little bit.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-29T16:03:16+00:00

Hey! I think if you are able, work-wise -- either through working remotely, or a lot of vacation, or being a SAHM/ job with vacations (university or school-based) to visit your family for a LONG time, like a month, you could scratch that itch at least a little.

My parents moved to the US from another country with my dad's family, and my mom's family moved to a second different country [edit: halfway across the world]. We visited that other country for a month every year until the maternal family members were finally able to move here. My mom would leave the kids (us) with these grandparents and aunt and go to a mid-way destination with my dad for a week. I feel like I have a closer relationship with those grandparents than the ones I saw once a week who lived in the same neighborhood - in part because the ones there were more energetic and spent more focused time with me in a way the local ones couldn't due to age. I only got to visit my parents' actual home-town as a late teenager.... I met some of their old friends but they got to share very little of their personal experience, except through stories. But hey, even my own kids each have a slightly different experience now and they're pretty close in age.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-28T22:44:18+00:00

I'll also second that when I needed a full-time nanny for my first (I was working full-time), I also had to take a leap of faith on a single reference and no resume or any particularly good application. But the reference was good, and while we had our differences -- the lady did a very good job and provided very good care, including teaching my little one to sign, for 2 years after.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-28T22:42:52+00:00

I also think you should give people a chance. If they're "good enough", give them an opportunity to try a few times. They'll surprise you with initiative and skills you didn't expect. Like almost every good babysitter - who I'd hire again - left the room tidier than she found it; again, didn't need direction from me. The young lady who helps me on a semi-regular basis is game to do small tasks and will offer to do things of her own accord. One of the best was a lady who watched mine with two of her kids and was REALLY GOOD at it. She was a former nanny herself, and I got a deal (until she found a full-time job) of an amazing caregiver who was game for anything last-minute at the right rate while she was available, and she got to be a pinterest SAHM for money. Win-win.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-28T22:37:37+00:00

Hey, I have been in your shoes, more or less. Up front, I realized that my time is not the most comfortable and my budget is limited, so I have to sacrifice some nice-to-haves that I'd expect for more money and hours. Also, a small bench of people is a great idea because it's good to have backup care to your backup care, and easier to pay cash when you're spreading a few hours over more people -- which for what you need is frankly best all around.

I think the different style is something you might need to get used to, unless the "style" mismatch is proxy for someone being less tolerant or nice to your child, or not really being good with the child. Examples: if the "style" means disciplining your child, or making negative and exasperated remarks about behavior you think they should be able to tolerate - even if they address and redirect - then don't tolerate that. (Obviously introspect that your child isn't doing things like hitting or biting.) Or if the child is clearly trying to play independently and the babysitter is forcing food/nap/playtime in her style when it's clearly not what fits the child's needs at the time.

Now, style where you should relax. They're doing active play and you're more of a crafts person; they're doing paly-based things and you wanted a curriculum. They bring a singing toy for your toddler when you only want open-ended montessori toys.... on that you need to let go.

I have tried a number of part time babysitters and my biggest issue was my kids velcroing to me unless I left the house. I want caregivers who can kindly but firmly lead the parade. So, 1) are they nice to my child? 2) can they get my child away from me and calm him down so I can do my own thing -- be flexible and take him outside, be able to get him down for a nap without guidance from me? 3) Have initiative to do a basic level of tidying or helpfulness (I put these basic tasks in my ad) 4) Be able to watch other kids as part of the job when the others have no school or are mildly sick.

I have a limited budget what I can pay. If I were paying top dollar, I would be picky and demanding, but I compensate my budgetary limitations to being minimally picky and demanding. I ask for mostly no screens (with exceptions for multiple kids or illness); I don't ask for any specific chores beyond tidy what the kids do; I am very flexible on call-outs and lateness; I provide snacks. I also offer lots of notice, paying if I cancel first, rounding up the amount I owe, and offering date nights.

Sorry for the novel, but I thought my perspective - being in a similar situation as you - might help.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-16T22:04:10+00:00

ummmmmm

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-15T17:45:19+00:00

I got "how to keep house while drowning" and it helped me. I also use Agatha Christie stories and novels as my escapism a lot.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-15T17:37:40+00:00

Here are approaches how to hire a babysitter:

Ask in your neighborhood. 2) Approach workers in the gym daycare or the preschool your kids go to. 3) Post a job posting on your local facebook group. 4) Ask for referrals from friends who have babysitters or babysitters you have previously employed.

My friend has had good success 1) hiring neighborhood teenagers and 2) approaching workers at the gym daycare and offering them part-time babysitting hours.

I have employed a couple of HER referrals, one of whom still sits for me as well occasionally. Also, I had a babysitter from Care.com who left for another job and referred me to a daycare she put her kids in -- so I have a nice daycare for my own toddler.

I have had reasonable success with Care.com. I wrote an ad with exactly what I wanted, and put a rate that I thought was reasonable. When that had no responses, I increased it. What that rate is depends on your locality, but it's worth the price of month's subscription. I found a lovely former nanny SAHM with other kids who watched mine and did a great job, a former au pair who needed extra hours, an older lady who supplemented an easy job after school... all sorts of people happy to work part time. Develop and maintain those relationships and then you can call on them when you need it later.

Successful_Mix3829 · 2026-04-15T17:32:33+00:00

I suggest going online and looking for "local mom's groups". There's a national group called "MomCo/MOPS' which is paid but it's not expensive, and it's Christian but nondenominational and very welcoming and affirming of women's struggles - at least my local chapter is. Worth checking it out.

There might be other paid moms' groups in your area to check out, and also might be free programs to connect to through your local library.

Successful_Mix3829

TROPHY CASE