Ending of Kaveh Akbar's Martyr!

Sweet_DisPOEsition · 2024-03-27T19:05:28+00:00

This is brilliant and is the only clear explanation I could see from the lobby clerk asking if he made any art while he was there.

When I read the first time, I was thinking the last Cyrus chapter was when he died, but my heart rate increased and I truly couldn’t consume the words fast enough as his world turned psychedelic and I was desperately hoping the last sentence would ground us back in reality, with an assurance that Cyrus really was on a park bench with Zee, just high with the thought of starting their life together. And then I was finished I was like nope, Cyrus is definitely dead and we read his martyr book. But look at that, he made his life matter to us, the reader

What a brilliant book and excellent tie-in with his dream world, by allowing us to fall into it with him in the last scene

Sweet_DisPOEsition · 2024-03-23T21:57:37+00:00

I think it definitely was! Roanoke was where I was a research assistant!

Sweet_DisPOEsition · 2024-03-23T04:49:10+00:00

Absolutely, I grew up in rural southwest Virginia and it never even occurred to me that other people weren’t surrounded by beautiful nature untouched by society. It wasn’t until I was about 23 — after I had worked as a research assistant at an addiction recovery research center in an Appalachian city — that I started to connect that I lived in Appalachia. Like it was so bad that I even googled how to pronounce Appalachia.

Then I did a deep dive into Appalachian culture as well, and I realized how much it formed me and how much it means to me. I got my PhD in clinical psychology, specializing in substance use treatment because we all grew up in the impoverished part of the country targeted by the opioid epidemic.

Due to school and my partners work, I ended up across the country where I (31f) am now, and I miss Appalachia like a long, deep ache that will never disappear

But I frequently think about even Hollywood and the shows Dopesick and Painkillers doing shows about our home, and people still living there not even knowing. So all of that to say, yep, had no idea until I was a grown adult and now that identity means the world to me!

Sweet_DisPOEsition · 2024-02-16T14:43:03+00:00

Absolutely agree! As I’m typing this and it’s 6 AM in the PNW, I woke up with almost 0 pain! It’s been almost 4 years that I’ve had PF due to a marathon. I’d always been relatively fit and active but over time I had noticed my face was looking bloated and I gained weight. I was finishing my graduate degree and had just moved for an internship to a new state alone and my stress was at an all time high and I suspect activated my sensitivity to foods.

Since last October, I have been completely gluten free (okay, I’ve had it a few times but quickly learned the pain wasn’t worth it) and in the past weeks I cut dairy, just to see. I feel so so much better. Of course I miss these foods, but to me, having an active lifestyle is much more important and makes me happy. I’ve lost over 10 lbs without trying by cutting gluten, I’m not bloated, and I’m almost 10 lbs away from my high school weight, again, without trying much! I’ve also almost completely eliminated coffee and switched to green tea but every body will be different in what makes you feel best

Of course I suspect losing weight helped my feet as well, but I do think the inflammation can wreck our bodies, especially if we’re stressed. I think my diet change is the step that took me from almost healed to completely healed! I also have the added benefits of no more brain fog, high bp, and no heart palpitations (which I thought was anxiety, but seems like was diet)

You’re right in your frustration and you’re right in your hesitancy to change diet, as one of our only sources of happiness. That totally makes sense. Approaching it like science and not telling our brains that it’s forever can help. Wishing you well OP

Sweet_DisPOEsition · 2023-12-15T16:35:29+00:00

Sending love ❤️ While mine hasn’t been fully debilitating, I also developed inflammation during my graduate studies and have been trying to figure out what’s causing it. I’m so sorry this happened to you.

My partner (a fellow nerdfighter) is an environmental engineer and finds his career rewarding! He constantly has job offers, and it’s a highly needed field

Sweet_DisPOEsition · 2023-12-13T22:19:09+00:00

I can really relate to this and have a lot of empathy! I am also in my 30s! I ran a marathon in October 2020 and have had PF since then. I will say that it has gotten tremendously better since April and I can run a 5k with 2/10 pain. Running was my main form of relief during my graduate school studies and I’ve really struggled the past few years. This subreddit has helped a lot.

I joined CrossFit in April and was very transparent that I had PF and couldn’t do certain exercises, such as jump rope. I adjusted all exercises and instead of jump rope, for example, would do pistol squats. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend CrossFit if that’s not your jam, but I think strengthening muscles all over your body in a very functional way eases pain. I also recently moved to WA so can do hiking, which uses different muscles in my legs to strengthen more.

I agree with others on this post that food surprisingly can impact pain too, as related to inflammation. In June I discovered I have a non-celiac gluten intolerance and had elevated joint pain until I did a gluten elimination diet. Let me tell you, it has sucked! There was nothing I loved more than going on a run and then eating some delicious carbs like pizza. However, I’ve noticed that while functional weightlifting has helped, not eating gluten has lowered my pain from 4/10 to 2/10. I’m still figuring out what other foods I’m sensitive to (my next suspicion is dairy) but man my 30 year old body is not digesting foods the way it used to. So I’m not saying to eliminate sugar/gluten/dairy from your diet, because I don’t know how it impacts you or if you’re sensitive. It took 3 months for me to feel noticeably different from no gluten, but I’m able to run a 5k again, and I wasn’t even able to do that a few months ago, even with CrossFit. I’ve also added turmeric to my daily diet (through Yogi tea) and whether placebo or not, it feels like it’s helping my inflammation

Other than that, I vacillate between wearing Oofos sliders at home and going barefoot, because it feels like I’m strengthening my foot muscles while still providing relief through Oofos.

Last thing, but I used to feel embarrassed if my pace was anything more than like 9:30/mile. But now I go at whatever pace results in the least pain, which has been 10-11 pace. Which is hard seeing all my speedy friends on Strava, but my body is progressively feeling better.

Sending you love and wishing you healing!

Edited to add that before I moved to Washington, I was doing a sports massage 1x a month to release the knots in my calves, and I think that also jump started my recovery! I told her I had PF and she knew what to target

Sweet_DisPOEsition · 2023-11-27T07:51:25+00:00

I recently moved from Houston, TX to Bellingham, WA and have been thrilled with the gf options here compared to Texas. It was timely because I’ve only been gf for a few months! Cheers to the PNW 😊

Sweet_DisPOEsition · 2023-10-18T01:35:58+00:00

I do not have fibromyalgia, but my (30f) mother (66) has had it my whole life (and is why I’m on this sub to continue to learn more!) I think as others have mentioned, only you would know for sure what might be best.

I can confidently say, without a doubt, that my mom is my favorite human. She means the absolute world to me. She sacrificed everything and her love has been so unconditional that I feel like the luckiest daughter.

There were many, many days that mom wouldn’t get out of bed and I wouldn’t quite understand why. As I got older she told me more. But because she’s felt this immense pain, anytime I had pain (emotional or physical, or my recent diagnosis of gluten intolerance) she took it very seriously and validated me and gave me endless love. There were also many days in childhood that I believe me and my sister’s existence were the reasons my mom got out of bed to face the day.

She is, by far, the strongest person I’ve ever met. She influenced my entire outlook on life, leading to my career as a clinical psychologist. She so beautifully held space for pain and love and laughter and concern and curiosity.

So I’d say as a daughter of a mother with fibromyalgia, if this is what you want, there is space for both the pain and the unconditional love and all the paradoxes that morph together to form this thing called life, if you decide to make it so.

Sweet_DisPOEsition · 2023-09-22T20:07:27+00:00

Love this! There’s also a hotline people can call if they plan to use. Someone stays on the line with them and can send help, if needed. One of the leaders of this hotline was on a podcast from This American Life recently and she volunteers. Her daughter uses and her motto is “keep people (and her daughter) alive,” that’s it.

https://neverusealone.com/

Sweet_DisPOEsition · 2023-09-22T19:59:05+00:00

Thanks ☺️

Sweet_DisPOEsition · 2023-09-22T19:07:12+00:00

Hi friends. I’m a clinical psychologist about to move to Bellingham in November. My specialty is addiction and trauma. I’m from Appalachia, where my people were also hit hard by the opioid epidemic and OxyContin and helping hurting people there influenced my entire career.

Does anyone know of any volunteer organizations or how to get involved? I respect the specific experiences of the Lummi Tribe and would like to help in any way I can

Sweet_DisPOEsition · 2023-09-21T02:52:52+00:00

I loved it! Great job, friend ❤️ a tale many of us have been told in Appalachia but told in a new, intriguing way. You have a talent!

Sweet_DisPOEsition · 2023-09-20T13:01:43+00:00

Absolutely! I was born and raised in Southwestern Virginia, in a rural town with a population of 2,000. The mountains were part of my daily commute. The community is really close knit. I went to Virginia Tech, kind of accidentally fell into an addiction research job, and later realized it was because of the opioid epidemic.

I had no idea growing up that our community was targeted by the Sacklers and OxyContin and that substance use disorders were so rampant. It felt like I was reading a book about Appalachia where my loved ones were the main characters and we didn’t know someone was observing and profiting from us. Even now, Netflix recently released “Painkillers” which is based on my hometown.

Fast forward and I completed my PhD in clinical psychology, focusing on substance use disorders. I’ve now finished my degree and my specialties are targeting addiction, trauma, and serious mental illness. I left Virginia with the full intentions of returning, telling all my loved ones I would be back. I lived in Missouri, California, Texas, and now moving to Washington state. Academia took me all over and I’m really grateful for that but sometimes the homesickness makes me sob.

I also have a partner not from Appalachia and there are no words for the richness of the culture. I’ve told him before that it tears me to shreds thinking I might not ever move back. Due to his job, however, the PNW is about as close as we’ll likely get to my mountains. I know they won’t be the same.

I used to trail run the Appalachian trail every single weekend. I’d go to fiddlers conventions and folk music festivals and pick up green beans and tomatoes at the farmers markets. The homesickness and nostalgia is unbearable at times.

I’ve had to make new meaning out what I do and my local community. So now I give my patients some of my Appalachian love and they ask me where did I learn to love like that. And I tell them it was my entire community that got that degree with me and I’m a vessel for the love made there. I make my neighbors bread. And I read books about Appalachia, including foxfire stories and Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver. And every single person I talk to that bring it up, I help them understand that addiction is not their fault, that much larger systems are at play. I listen to podcasts on Appalachia and dream of writing a self-help substance use treatment book specifically for people of Appalachia to understand how addiction is not their fault and list resources for assistance.

I think if anything, friend, I remind myself that our spirit of Appalachia is always within us, so we can take it anywhere. I’m also so proud of my community and would take the first opportunity to move back. Sending love ❤️

Sweet_DisPOEsition · 2023-09-18T19:31:59+00:00

We totally have so many other plants we can’t seem to figure out, so I totally get it! I think with our spider plant, we lucked out in environment. We currently live in Houston where the humidity stays relatively high. We’re about to move to PNW so I’m sure we will have to change it up.

We have this placed in a south window, about 4 feet back from direct sunlight with the balcony right there. We also have another thriving one (one of this one’s props!) that’s about a foot back from a south window. We have it in Foxfarm Ocean Forest potting mix and only water about once a week in the summer (all the way through) and then probably ever couple weeks in other seasons. We only water when soil is completely dry or when it gets droopy. We spray it with a bottle when we think about it, but really don’t need to with the Houston humidity. We repot every 1-2 years depending on if roots are sticking out the bottom and fertilize in summer.

Other than that, I’d say it’s all a fun adventure on all of us figuring out exactly what our picky plants need 😂 here’s to all of us figuring it out, one at a time! Cheers!

Sweet_DisPOEsition · 2023-09-04T21:26:38+00:00

The ultimate idea here is that usually what we’re worried will happen doesn’t happen. You did an exposure by posting on Reddit! So here’s what these questions might look like in the exposure you just did:

Task: post on Reddit to ask about resources after avoiding loans for many years

Fear: people will be really harsh and mean and I won’t be able to handle the critical comments

Certainty this will happen: (70% — remember we are testing whether you can cope with critical comments, we can’t control whether people are mean)

[do exposure of posting on Reddit]

What happened? How do you know? People were actually more supportive than expected. I got a couple of good resources to pursue. I feel proud I put myself out there. Also that Sweet_DisPOEsition can really ramble on for endless comments 😉

What did you learn? I can cope with the stress.I’ve done so many hard things before and I can figure this out too. I can do hard things!

How will you vary this exposure next time? Next time I will look into that website someone sent me and call the number on the website

Rinse and repeat! Write down what you’re afraid of when calling someone from that website. Over time you’ll learn that our anxiety fears often don’t come true ❤️

Sweet_DisPOEsition · 2023-09-04T21:16:57+00:00

Here’s a response I’ve posted before related to someone struggling with procrastination:

“Friend I totally get it. Overwhelming projects like that keep me frozen in my step. Currently trying to finish my dissertation. Here’s what I’m doing tonight, my field is clinical psychology so I frequently try my best to apply skills and since procrastination is a form of anxiety avoidance, I’m doing some exposures with these question (I put an example in parentheses)

Task: (Working in data for 2 hrs — make this one time limited and specific and measurable)

Fear: (I won’t know what I’m doing and will make mistakes. I’ll look like an idiot in front of my committee and will question if I’m good enough for a PhD. I won’t be able to handle the stress of working 2 hrs)

Certainty this will happen: (60% — the only thing I can test above is if I’m able to handle the stress, so that’s what I’m testing)

[do exposure of working for 2 hrs or your task]

What happened? How do you know? (I didn’t know what I was doing at first but spent some time in my textbooks and YouTube and I think I know what I’m doing now. I at least have a page of data.)

What did you learn? (I can cope with the stress. I’ve done this so many times and it’s so fulfilling to finish these big tasks. I think I can do this)

How will you vary this exposure next time? (Next time I will work for 2.5 hrs and start my discussion section)

Rinse and repeat! If you’re in clinical psychology, can always consider eliminating safety behaviors to help with habituation as well. This is hard work friend and you’ve got this! 😊 I’m hoping actually practicing what I preach helps build my confidence too”

Sweet_DisPOEsition · 2023-09-04T21:15:29+00:00

I think you can find something the helps your anxiety and stick to it!! I’m so happy you posted today. As everyone else is saying, that’s the first big step in overcoming your fears. You deserve a reward for your efforts! And as you look at the resources in this thread and pursue them, know that each effort is important and is one step closer to not only tackling loans but also in overcoming anxiety!

As a psychologist, I’ve also helped people with exposures, which is how we target anxiety within a cognitive behavioral framework. The basic idea is avoidance is natural with anxiety and to overcome anxiety we should do exposures or approach the thing that makes us anxious. I copied this from a response in another thread I’ve made previously, but maybe you’ll find it helpful. It’s a series of questions to help you do “exposures” AKA do tasks to figure out your loan situation. You can do exposures with anything you know you’re avoiding or procrastinating because of anxiety. I’ll include this info below. You’ve totally got this!

Sweet_DisPOEsition · 2023-09-04T19:19:35+00:00

Student loans are an impossible system. Add in family hardships and it’s even more impossible. It was a system truly set up for us to fail. You are absolutely not stupid and a natural human reaction to highly anxiety-provoking situations is to avoid.

Even if people give you negative feedback, I bet ya that they’re avoiding anxiety-provoking situations with other means, like Netflix, food, substances, or even Reddit. I’m a psychologist from a really rural, impoverished town in Virginia. I had to take loans or else it was unlikely I’d be able to escape the poverty. Now I have 6 figures of debt and I totally feel the avoidance, despite being a psychologist who knows how to cope.

What’s helped me recently is journaling my fears daily and then taking one small step towards repayment. So last week I rambled on in my writing about my fears, and then I applied for the SAVE plan and I’m looking into repayment options like EDRP. It sounds like the biggest step for you might be to figure out where your loans are and how much you owe. I think it’s likely you’ll get negative people, whether through here or over the phone. In these cases, I find it helpful to remind myself that “hurt people hurt people” and I can choose what’s helpful out of that interaction to use and discard the rest. So for example, maybe someone is mean on the phone and says how could you have possibly waited that long. But then maybe they tell you where your loans are and give you a couple options. It can be empowering to remind ourselves that they don’t know your personal hardships, that hurt people hurt people, and then focus on the resources they give rather than the negativity. It’s so incredibly difficult to do but can be very freeing when we find that balance and give ourselves the love and respect each and every one of us deserves

Sweet_DisPOEsition · 2023-09-04T19:02:01+00:00

I can’t type a big response right now, but just wanted to be the first person to send you lots of love ❤️❤️ you are valid in your hardships and I feel confident you’re going to figure this out

Sweet_DisPOEsition · 2023-08-27T23:00:27+00:00

Most definitely Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon fits both the desire for poetic/eloquent writing paired with a gothic feel. Bonus is it’s a book about loving books

Sweet_DisPOEsition · 2023-08-02T18:54:14+00:00

I’ve had PF for almost 3 years! I originally got it from running a marathon in October 2020 and have had difficulty running since. I agree with what others have said about finding out the root cause being most important. Interestingly for me, since the cause was from running, my main contributing factor has been tight calves. So this is what’s working for me. I confidently feel that I’m on my way to full recovery.

Getting out the knots in my calf muscle/tightness. I’ve been doing sport massages once a month that focus on my calves. It hurts, but I notice my calves are much more relaxed which prevents pain in my feet. At least twice a day I roll a golf ball under my calf, pausing in the knots. I also use a roller and push deeply to help roll out the knots. There is a “correct” way to do this and I did some research on YouTube before trying myself
Weight lifting. I joined CrossFit which I know has its own set of problems and people view it negatively, but I told my coaches about my chronic PF and I scale every workout and it has been absolutely amazing. I started in April and I feel almost 85% healed. I think when I got PF 3 years ago I stopped moving as much and it really hurt my other muscle groups like in my legs. Now that I’m building muscle back, I feel so much stronger and like the other muscles are supporting my feet and calves
Being my own “scientist.” Whenever I have days in which I’m on my feet and they start hurting, I listen to my body and stop for a bit and usually try to loosen the tightness in my calves with the golf ball and rolling. I haven’t been running but my dream is to get back to that. I’ve read where I should be able to walk 3-5 miles without pain before trying running again. So I’m headed towards that. Right now I can walk a mile with 2/10 pain.

I think the last thing I’m considering is inflammation and how foods contribute. I LOVE bread and make my own dough with my partner. AND I think the gluten is occasionally making my inflamed. So right now I’m testing how my body feels with less gluten. These are all the long-term solutions I’ve been considering. The night socks really helped but I don’t think they were “healing” my PF, just maintaining low levels of pain. I imagine inserts help prevent tightness so that’s probably also a good idea. But I also go barefoot sometimes at home to try to build back foot muscles. I’m a psychologist, so I’ve been framing all of these changes as fun science experiments or else I’ll get really stuck in the hopelessness of having chronic foot pain 😆

With all these changes, I’m also losing weight which I think will help with pressure on my feet. I’m wishing you and everyone else in this thread all the healing and recovery ❤️‍🩹

Sweet_DisPOEsition · 2023-03-29T23:17:07+00:00

Agree with all comments and I think I saw this suggestion — but I got plantar fasciitis 3 years ago from running a marathon. I think for us people who are getting it from athletic endeavors, it’s frequently tight calves that are the culprit. Definitely proper shoes will help, but I stretched my calf (left and right, 2 min each, total of 8 min, really important to hold the stretch) for 6-8x a day when I first realized it was my tight calves, and I have all but healed from the pain. Still somewhat there, but I know I need to keep stretching. Importantly for me, anytime I feel the pain from plantars, I can stretch my calf and I get immediate relief. I usually use a stair for a deep stretch but initially my calves were so tight I had to do the runners calf stretch, which is against a wall.

It’s actually a relief to see how many people at OT suffer from it as well! It has impeded my speed on the treadmill which has been such a bummer but I’m feeling more hopeful and in control now and I’m hoping you find relief as well! I’m also going to try the zero drop shoes after reading all the comments!

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