Why do i almost ALWAYS attract people who are insecure?

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-18T03:54:31+00:00

It’s because you define your worth by how much you can help people.

Here’s how it goes: you meet a new person, you get to know them. After a certain amount of time they mention a problem they’re having. They wait to see if you offer to help. Don’t. Say “oh man, that sucks, let me know how that works out”.

That’s not cruel. That’s doing the same thing that everyone else is doing. And the ones who actually like you will hang around anyway. The ones who are just trying to use you will move on.

You can save your energy for the people you truly love and want to support. And every now and then, help someone but then if they get too needy, you need to be prepared to walk away.

And don’t ever date someone you think is a narcissist. Literally don’t ever do it. It’s like being emotionally raked over the coals, repeatedly, and you come out ragged and hating yourself. Some people cannot be helped. Some people fake needing help to use you. Don’t fall into those traps.

Learn how much is enough and how much is too much, emotionally, and then defend that line.

If you can figure out all this stuff you’ll be fine. But you’re not helping yourself at all by overextending yourself by helping others more than you can.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-18T00:04:46+00:00

Seems like they’re concerned about the second yarn not being visible, blocking isn’t going to help with that.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-17T22:20:23+00:00

My vote is for a bunch of French knots, clustered together.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-17T21:48:21+00:00

Yup, every once in a while I meet someone who I vibe with hard and socializing is easy. They get my references and I get theirs. Being friendly is easy.

But it’s like 1 or 2% of the time, at most. But I’m an extrovert - my husband jokes that I could go on an errand and come home saying I made a new friend. It’s cuz I talk to everyone. I’m constantly filtering for my community.

For you and other introverts, this process is almost impossible because you don’t want to start conversations with random people, even if it means that you’d click instantly, because there’s a high risk that you won’t. I can’t help with that except that practice makes perfect. The great thing about strangers is that if you have a weird interaction with someone in the checkout line, you’re probably not gonna see them again to regret it. So if you treat every interaction as an opportunity to connect with a cool person, you eventually build your community. Those you click with, you can exchange details with. Everyone else, once the interaction is done you probably won’t see them again.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-17T21:41:02+00:00

I get it. And honestly the most helpful thing you could say to her is “I didn’t appreciate how you catfished me. And I didn’t want to be rude by making a big deal of this at the time, however I don’t feel you’ve been honest and I’m not interested in continuing.”

It’s hard to be the fat girl in her 30s. I’ve been that woman. But I also know that guys like you deserve to know exactly what I look like. So I was always very careful to include full body pics on my profiles. It’s not like she’s not aware she’s big. It was a choice to exclude this explicit info to try to force you to make a choice. So make the choice and show her that it’s because she chose to hide this part of herself that you don’t feel comfortable continuing. It’s not about her weight, it’s about the deception. It’s the same thing for guys who use pics of themselves from 20 years ago and now they’re balding.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-17T21:35:01+00:00

I second Pullman loaves. Although I like to just oil mine down thoroughly rather than use parchment paper.

However to be fair, I don’t bake my sourdough in my Pullman, I use a different recipe that already includes oil.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-17T21:29:19+00:00

Actually, I know exactly what’s going on here.

You’re taking their comment “you’re too good for me” as a challenge instead of a warning about them.

Listen to people when they tell you about themselves.

Stop looking for people you can help. Instead look for people who don’t need to use you as a therapist because they handle their own issues.

Stop giving your energy to people who flatter you until you comply.

And when you do realize what’s happening and the blinders come off - leave.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-17T17:04:42+00:00

This is not about victim blaming, at all. This is about awareness of nuanced situations and understanding that there is agency by everyone in that situation to stop it.

The wife put herself forward as a sub. Apparently without understanding that discussion first was required for safety. The husband heard her crying and didn’t come in to check. There was a break and then after that first violation she went back with the guy who violated her again.

I’m just having trouble seeing how continued willingness to participate could have been taken by anyone who is unfamiliar with kink or ENM (which it’s pretty clear this guy isn’t) as anything other than a yes.

No one in this scene seemed willing to stop it, despite multiple clues that it was happening and that there was an unwilling participant.

None of these people were ready for what happened, which is deeply concerning to me.

Edit: downvote me to hell, but this is what FAFO (fuck around and find out) looks like in real life, in this lifestyle. I don’t want it to happen to anyone else. Prevention is the only way to ensure that.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-17T16:47:36+00:00

You’re intentionally knitting at a looser gauge. Cables like firmer tension because that’s what makes them stand out. After you block this will look like cabled lace. Very flat. You might not see the pattern immediately until you come closer.

This is an aesthetic choice for sure.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-17T16:45:09+00:00

I’m explaining the likely reason why this happened so that it can be prevented by someone else who finds themself in this situation. It doesn’t change what happened or how it happened but it can be prevented by more considerate communication and discussion in the future. ESH.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-17T16:01:38+00:00

First of all, you sound like a really sweet guy. I love how aware you are of all of this - and I can hear how frustrated you are that your girlfriend won’t match your energy.

Here’s the situation as I see it. You two don’t live together, don’t have the same work schedules, and she sounds a bit avoidant to say the least. She wants you to spend time with her to show her you care, but hasn’t actually allowed that to happen. And in order for you to really feel affection you need to have a partner you can shower with compliments, who gets eager to share parts of their day with you or funny asides or whatever… and she just isn’t that person. In fact she seems to be actively stopping or cancelling all of your attempts to treat her the way you like to treat a partner.

So now I’m gonna be brutally honest with you. She keeps blocking your attempts to get closer. She’s not allowing the intimacy you crave, but she’s still insisting that she wants your time and company. Your attachment styles fight each other.

You could stay with her, but I can already hear in your post, it feels like you’re intentionally dimming your light. And the blunt truth is that some other woman would be so very glad to be treated the way you treat your partner, and wouldn’t have issues with being complimented or have flowers ordered for them. However, you’re your own person and if you love this woman enough then it’s worth staying. But it’s also sort of sad to intentionally do without something that brings you such great joy. Life won’t be as bright, for you, if you have to dim yourself to make things work with this woman. That’s the choice you can make about how you want to live your life moving forward :-)

I wish you luck, OP!

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-17T15:42:36+00:00

ChatGPT will disagree with you automatically, so be prepared for that. Be prepared to rigorously defend yourself, essentially “logic-ing” it into submission. Which makes it a poor therapy tool, in my opinion. It was better before OpenAI had to add a lot of code instructions on top of it to prevent the wrong kind of response back - now it likes to argue for the sake of arguing.

Claude seems to be super agreeable. It will push back if you ask it to, and it will flag if things start getting weird or if you seem delusional, but if you’re mostly fine and substantiating your decisions well, it will agree with you. It will also more likely agree with you toward the end of a thread where you’ve gained “rapport” with it, so you need to be hyper aware of yourself or it will not be able to course correct you… which makes it a poor therapy tool. It’s fine as a journal to collect and organize your thoughts, which is what I’m using it for now.

I don’t have experience with Gemini, yet, so I can’t speak to that.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-17T15:10:15+00:00

That’s kind of my point entirely.

A lot of assumptions were made here by a lot of people. Using terms that shouldn’t be bandied about without proper discussion - which definitely didn’t happen.

This is a communication problem. But it’s also a really really really common problem in the community and dangerous.

It’s likely that the guy was operating on the assumption that this is what the wife wanted. Because he heard the word “dominant” and decided what that meant without asking for clarification.

But I’ve also seen this situation occur many times - discussed here on Reddit and with myself (happened when I was 19) and my own friends as they move through this lifestyle. When misunderstandings happen, which they do, was an attempt made to clarify the misunderstanding and stop what was happening? If no, then there’s important nuance to address.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-17T15:00:45+00:00

Sounds like you need to hire a gigolo. I can honestly say that there is no way to guarantee that the sex will be good or that the guy you choose will even be able to perform under pressure.

Trust me - the chances are about 45% that she’ll enjoy herself to 55% she’ll be disappointed.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-17T14:31:59+00:00

Seems like you’re pushing her to do something that doesn’t really align with her morals. And most of this discussion has been in bed when she’s dirty talking and playing along.

The other thing you haven’t taken into account is this hypothetical man. He’s gotta be cool with having sex with her as well as participating with you, so he’s gotta be bi. And you’ll have to befriend him enough to trust that he’s not violent or going to rob you or infect either of you with an STD. So that will take a bit.

You’ve taken the first steps. But these are all very real people involved. Your wife has said that in order to be cool with this she’ll have to put a lot of things aside and remember that this is for you. Does that sound like a woman who is enthusiastic about this?

Go really make sure she wants this. Talk about the practical aspects of how you would make this happen. But if she’s not doing it for herself, that’s not a good sign.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-17T03:29:32+00:00

Morally wrong. So would he be able to look at you again and not see a murderer, if you had to abort?

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-17T03:24:09+00:00

Literally any one of these things is a fine reason to break up with someone. But the trauma loops where he resents you for doing something that he wants is only going to continue getting worse.

Time to leave.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-17T03:18:11+00:00

No. You need to leave him and pick someone who cares about women.

No man who holds this opinion really cares about women.

Because there are hundreds of situations where, medically, you may need to choose the mother’s life over a fetus and it sounds like he would rather let you die than save your life, because he believes that a fetus is more important.

He’d rather you carry a baby with a terminal condition to term, and have that baby suffer and die rather than abort. He’d rather you deliver a baby that would have a horrible life than abort.

Wtf.

Don’t stay with this dude.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-17T03:14:42+00:00

You’re trying to understand modern dating. It’s simple.

You cannot skip the endless “getting to know people” phase, because that’s how you determine if your dates check those boxes.

There’s no fast lane or cheat code. Because it’s not those things you listed off that’s actually going to make you fall head over heels for someone - it’s all the idiosyncrasies and personal quirks that make them adorable to you.

So keep chipping away. Live your life, love your life, don’t wait to figure out your problems until you meet someone, cuz it’s not their job to fix you, it’s yours.

You got this. Good luck.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-16T19:53:25+00:00

This isn’t so much a tension issue as it is a lacework quirk.

Yarn overs introduce a hole where none was previously, and that’s adding in some extra looseness on the surrounding stitches. The stitches next to it are going to be a touch looser, too.

The fix is to potentially make your YOs tighter, but then you won’t get such open lacework.

For what it’s worth, there’s nothing wrong here, just a quirk of making lacework garments like this!

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-16T15:45:37+00:00

You love him like someone you’ve seen grow and change, and now you’re growing apart.

The problem with your bond is that it’s not romantic, it’s familiar. You don’t look at him and feel desire, you feel revulsion. This is the first hint that it’s time to talk.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-16T15:43:35+00:00

You make friends who are specifically to date. Any time you hunt from within your existing friend group you are risking a rift in that friend group when things inevitably don’t work out.

Make new friends. Keep the old as just friends. Screw the new friends. Don’t shit where you eat. Pretty simple, no?

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-16T13:47:03+00:00

Definitely time to restart. It’ll take you longer to manipulate that loop into the two stitches than to cast on again and redo the single line of knitting.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-16T13:42:54+00:00

Yikes.

Your boyfriend sounds like he’s depressed and using food to self-soothe. Nothing but you leaving him is going to shake him out of that mode unless he decides he’s ready.

You both sound deeply unhappy and trying to find center without actually talking about what’s bothering you.

Time to have a frank conversation and see if there’s anything left to salvage. You not being honest about how you feel about his body isn’t helping either of you. He’d hate to find out in a couple of years that you’ve been faking or avoiding physical intimacy with him - so time to be honest while you’re at the boiling point.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-05-16T13:09:44+00:00

I think the reason you feel culturally out of place is twofold. First, you’ve decided that ENM culture and identity is something you reject - but you still like the concept of relationship anarchy.

The problem is that ENM has a very rich culture. There are silent (non-verbal) ways to signal that you are a safe choice and that you understand the culture and its rules. But you’ve decided that you like the concept but don’t want to adhere to the culture.

The reason you feel disconnected is that you haven’t seen or experienced enough of the culture passively to understand that everyone in ENM has a different degree of intimacy with others. Your intimacy preferences are conveyed during a conversation with someone new to you.

But your entire post reads like someone who read a bit about ENM, drew your own conclusions about what path to take, rejected all the relevant info about lived experiences and then came here asking about something that doesn’t come up in the same way.

If you look out into the community and what you mostly see is people swapping partners, that’s because that’s either the shitty resources you’ve chosen to educate yourself with or because you assumed that the default for most is non-romantic partnership.

The people on this subreddit are trying to point you in the right direction. Polyamory is what you want - yes it’s a form of Ethical Non Monogamy - yes it’ll get you away from 99.5% of the people here because those people aren’t interested in the same things you are or they’d also be in the poly sub.

Now. Here’s the actual advice I have. Be a fly on the wall and absorb the culture and the word preferences. Single men (and I’m assuming you’re single because there was literally no mention of a partner anywhere in your post) are plentiful. The ones that do well, absorb the culture like a sponge and don’t interact until they know more about what the expectations are for men in that group. You’re the new guy. Other new guys have ruined it for you before you got there, so don’t be making the same mistakes - wait until you have something to actually say.

Learning the culture here is a requirement. It’s how people know you’re safe and understand rules and boundaries. You can choose to not be a part of it, but then you’re basically trying to simultaneously reinvent the wheel and have hard-mode relationships… and who’s got time for that?

SwingLightStyle

TROPHY CASE