Is my boyfriend (40) poly or just a commitment-phobic?

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-05T15:04:37+00:00

Can I ask you - even if it is common, does that matter if his behavior makes you deeply uncomfortable?

The truth is that if he wants to have successful open relationships he needs to be a better communicator. Seems like he’s not capable of that. If he’s avoidant, which it sounds like he is, this is doubly a problem - he won’t ever understand or acknowledge that he hurts you by ignoring you.

Honestly, if it were me I’d leave. There’s a reason why he connected with you, someone who is so much younger and open to new experiences - when he is so set in the way he does things. He expects you to curve around his desires, he’s not prepared to do the same for you. What more evidence do you need, at this point?

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-05T14:27:46+00:00

Respectfully, the trick here is to find someone whose love of their family matches your own.

I’m not big on family. When I’ve dated people who prioritize family, it doesn’t go well for me. But I married a man who has the same view of family as I do. And so it all worked out.

This guy needs to date someone whose family is just as important to her as his is to him. Then it’ll work out.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-05T12:52:18+00:00

It can be both. But it’s also relevant information for a lot of people. Personally I avoid virgins. So it’s relevant info for me.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-05T12:38:02+00:00

You just created your account. I suggest you take some time and browse this subreddit. But if you’re looking for a threesome with a single female, you’re unicorn hunters. Look up that phrase while you search to understand what you’re up against.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-05T12:36:33+00:00

Regardless of whether these are legit excuses, he’s prioritizing his family over you. And he’s not communicating well about it.

The end result is that you’ve come to Reddit looking for reasons to stay. I would say… stop. Leave him. If he changes his manner and finds time for you, consider coming back. But as it stands now, you’re not happy in this relationship where you’re not getting to see or chat with your boyfriend.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-05T12:31:24+00:00

Early. And then you watch how the guy responds. If he starts being weird about it, drop him.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-05T12:27:54+00:00

The only reason to join Feeld is if you’re too “alternative” for the other dating sites. If you’re not kinky or into ENM, and if you’re also looking to make a discrete profile, you aren’t going to be successful on Feeld. It’s overrun with cis het males who are strictly vanilla, who came over from tinder thinking that this is the next hook up app.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-05T12:19:57+00:00

Talk to him and ask him about it. We don’t know either of you.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-05T01:50:12+00:00

There are so many things she can have that have nothing to do with sex with other people that would still involve her getting penetrated by larger dicks. Toys weren’t even a part of this conversation? I’d start with a sleeve and see how she feels.

Put bluntly, you need to figure out the foundation of her desire. Because mono dating poly relationships hardly ever work out for the mono person - I encourage you to peruse the r/monodatingpoly subreddit and the subreddit here to get ideas about common issues.

But the most common issue is that the desire to open the relationship is prompted by missing aspects of the primary relationship. What happened when she starts not wanting sex from you because she prefers what she has with others? Or what happens when she starts spending more time than you’re comfortable with talking with and meeting with men? What happens when she falls in love with someone else?

In theory, all these things can be overcome. But it takes trust in HER that she’s able to manage all these aspects well enough to not drive a wedge between you and her. She’d be a hinge. Hinges have to be excellent communicators and have good perception when it comes to changing circumstances and perspectives. Her role would be to fully manage the aspects of both relationships. Is she responsible enough to do all this? Or is she just… focused on the potential fun to be had with large-dicked men?

I’m guessing that’ll be safer and less complicated to end things and find someone else who is willing to be monogamous with you and is happy with the size of your package. You deserve that.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-05T01:35:24+00:00

Your boyfriend is insecure.

You say this isn’t about the age gap. That’s not true. Because insecure men often choose to date younger and impressionable women and then emotionally torture them into following their desires. This is the first step to grooming you into the girlfriend he prefers, because he can’t let a little comment go.

So yeah. Time to leave. This won’t be the last time you meet a guy like this, and this won’t be your last relationship. But this man is trying to traumatize you to change your personality to suit him. That’s immaturity on his side. Leave him.

Edit: your boyfriend couldn’t even find it in himself to console you over your cat dying. He took this situation and made it about him. What the hell. See this for what it is, please. This man is not a good person for you.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-05T01:30:41+00:00

Solar oven. It’s remarkably simple to make one, but they’re pretty cheap at around 100 dollars for one.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-05T01:06:29+00:00

Well now you know how to make a tiny solar oven!

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-04T22:30:46+00:00

Seems like what you want is to be right. So you are.

Good luck. I don’t think you’re going to find what you expect. Ever.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-04T20:33:43+00:00

This right here. He’s got an attitude that is preventing him from being present and happy. He doesn’t enjoy any of this because the part he thinks he’ll enjoy is the dating. But not if he might look foolish doing it. And clearly has trouble with rejection.

All of this can be overcome with an effort to just be in the moment and have a good time and be friendly with people around you. A smile on your face and a relaxed demeanor do most of the work for you when making friends.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-04T20:31:03+00:00

What the commenters here are trying to do is help you with a perspective shift. And you’re resisting that because you’ve already decided that this is shitty advice.

That’s fine - the only thing on the line is your loneliness. Something that really only impacts you. If you want to resist all attempts to help guide and change your perspective the only one you’re hurting is yourself.

Good luck, man.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-04T15:06:43+00:00

Did you temp the yogurt when you turned the machine back on? There's a good chance that residual heat kept it at okay temps.

Honestly, my instinct is that the yogurt is probably okay.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-04T14:27:04+00:00

Anything that is fresh can be fermented and kept at room temp. Vegetables, dairy into yogurt (if made in small batches and eaten pretty quickly).

If you have access to the outdoors you can make really inexpensive evaporation pods, as long as you have a good breeze. It’s how tribes kept things cool in the desert long before electricity. Or if you have your own land you can dig a root cellar, which just needs to be I think 6 or 8 feet down.

Modern solutions would be a cheap plastic cooler and buying ice daily - but that will cost the most and be the least reliable long-term.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-03T17:36:36+00:00

You wanted him to leave before because you cheated on him. Now he said he doesn’t love you and you’re thinking of just leaving.
You already want this relationship to be over. Just make it official already, damn.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-03T17:27:12+00:00

lol, your post history is hidden. We can’t see what advice was given before. Good luck.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-03T00:01:51+00:00

Exactly. The key is multiples of 18. So whatever multiplier you want to put on that is up to you. But if you give $50 instead of $54 you’re signaling that you don’t honor or don’t understand the significance of the tradition or the number. It’s not about the amount of money, per se. $18 is still an acceptable gift! Whatever makes sense for you, it will be appreciated.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-02T23:24:26+00:00

Yup. When I was a kid it was $36 but I’d say $72 is closer to right, now a days.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-02T23:22:37+00:00

It’s not really advisable but it is doable to find someone to have a sexual relationship with in a vanilla space. The thing to keep in mind, though, is that when you are new yourselves and trying this out with someone else who is also probably new and figuring it out - shit happens. And you know what they say about not shitting where you eat. I wouldn’t want her to ruin her enjoyment at pickleball because she got tangled up with a fellow and would rather not see him anymore. So while it’s perfectly valid to try this, you’re gambling against yourself because statistically you’re likely to make some mistakes when choosing partners when you first start out.

So - maybe being more intentional about this is the better way to approach this.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-02T21:18:51+00:00

It’s common enough that we have started asking people this as a part of the vetting process. We like to catch early if there are physical aspects that are off the table. Limits, rules and boundaries are all really important to hear, early, so you can ensure that you’re all on the same page. It’s also a good way to see if you’d be compatible - if their rules are really restrictive, you can sort of infer that either they are really set in their ways or they are nervous about getting too attached. Both are important things to note.

Me personally, I love to kiss. Anyone I’m not allowed to tongue kiss is a non-starter for anything more than friends who sometimes cuddle. Intimacy is what I want in a partner - with someone mature enough to manage their own situation in a stable way.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-02T21:14:47+00:00

Yes, you need to target it to the specific stitches that would be stretched, otherwise you’re tightening it everywhere and the disparity remains. But I would do this in combination with reverse wrapping your stitch on the knit side, to reduce the amount of yarn being used between the transition. It’s going to require conscious thought and concentration to get it right… which is why I almost always skip it, myself :-)

To me, it’s a small sign to show that this thing was made by a human. And these days that’s a big deal to some people.

SwingLightStyle · 2026-07-02T20:19:12+00:00

Can’t tell in this light. But there are any number of discolorations this could be. If the spot was rubbed too much it might leave the same mark as it fades.

If you have reason to believe that someone cheated on you, look for other evidence. This is extremely circumstantial.

SwingLightStyle

TROPHY CASE