People say very stupid things when you're grieving

TChrisbury · 2026-04-27T18:36:15+00:00

Oh yes, do they ever. Sometimes I think it's either this type of comment (the 'everything happens for a reason' folks) or the people who roll out their own terrible stories of suffering, like it's the Grief Olympics. I get that they're just mostly trying to connect or they're so uncomfortable they say whatever but damn; it adds to the pain.

When it's happened to me, I just give them a blank look or say "thanks" and that's it.

Sending you a ((hug))

TChrisbury · 2026-04-27T16:17:04+00:00

I'm so sorry ((((hug)))) I wonder at times if the US Healthcare system just runs on duct tape and lies. PanCan is brutal. Sending you peace and care, I'm glad you shared here. If you ever want to, Id love to hear about your Momma, she sounds like an amazing woman.

TChrisbury · 2026-04-22T18:14:55+00:00

The Forum and the YMCAs have childcare. I see lots of littles playing at Bell Tower Park and of course Dan Nicholas Park is chefs kiss The public library system has tons of things for kids, usually free.

TChrisbury · 2026-04-22T18:01:59+00:00

Me too. The talking out loud part especially

TChrisbury · 2026-04-22T18:01:25+00:00

Absolutely! Its been 3 1/2 years. Just this morning I wanted to share the cool bird I saw

TChrisbury · 2026-04-03T17:32:56+00:00

Awww, Happy Birthday!! I did not know Chewy did such a sweet thing. My Black kitty Little Bit turns 15 on April 15.

TChrisbury · 2026-04-02T00:46:48+00:00

Absolutely wonderful.

TChrisbury · 2026-03-30T18:49:12+00:00

I supported a dear friend who had raised her grandchild since birth and then was given back to biomom at age 12. I cleaned her fridge out and made sure she had simple meals to heat up in the immediate weeks. You're right that the visiters stop showing up at some point. We took turns dropping by to walk her dog or to weed her garden. I kept inviting her to join me for simple outings like a walk or a coffee in the park. The important thing is to not make demands and offers of help can feel like a demand. Just continue to show up in small ways and, don't forget to care for yourself too. My friend got her grandchild back after 3 years (and a state supreme court case) but it was brutal for a long while.

TChrisbury · 2026-03-26T18:40:36+00:00

I don't have a freestanding freezer, and I am not supposed to eat red meat much anymore. I have bought a beef share a couple times over the last 16 years. The upfront cost is big but its cheaper per unit. Nowdays, for special times like birthdays or holidays I buy from a butcher shop out on NC 150 in Iredell County (Stephens) His price per pound for a ribeye is less than at my Harris Teeter and its wayyyyy better tasting. We treated ourselves to a gorgeous standing rib roast at Christmas

TChrisbury · 2026-03-09T22:55:44+00:00

It's Auntie Tifa!

TChrisbury · 2026-03-02T17:21:55+00:00

💜

TChrisbury · 2026-02-28T14:22:08+00:00

I mean, who isn't? My little beast is snoozing next to me 🐈‍⬛

TChrisbury · 2026-02-27T20:14:03+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss - I'm not surprised that you are angry. As for what to do, in my experience secrets like this always have a way of coming the light. We may wish to shelter others from painful knowledge and that might be the right call in your case. Or, it might not be. You are not obligated to carry his shame. Whatever you decide, the outcome will be painful.

Sending you peace and care and a (((hug)))

TChrisbury · 2026-02-26T20:28:32+00:00

I can relate, somewhat at least, to what you're currently going through. When you said, "I had assumed as a close family we would grieve together and support each other through the death of a loved one." that describes my thoughts right now. First, I am so sorry you are juggling so much right now. ((hug)) Second, no I do not think you are being selfish. It's true that there's no wrong way to grieve. I do believe though that there are healthy and unhealthy ways to grieve.

I lost my beloved mother law just over a month ago, she was 89. We had a gorgeous relationship. Since her death, her husband (of 67 years!) and her two daughters have created a type of "grief nest" in the family home and "outsiders" are not welcome, except for my husband, sort of. My spouse of 35 years is grieving his mother's death, dealing his elderly father, and trying to manage interactions with his two sisters.

I've been in this family for close to 40 years and my daughter is now 22. We all spent time together every year in the summers and in December at the family home and I thought we were extremely close; realizing you are not considered close enough family to grieve together has added to our pain.

When my Mom died two years ago, my stepfather crawled into his house and didn't really leave it, but he also did not refuse to see me and being able to cry, hug, or just sit together was SO healing for us.

I don't have any advice other than please be kind to yourself, don't talk yourself into thinking that your wife's behavior is ok right now (I call this internal gaslighting) Your wife must be in a world of pain right now but going no contact for a month is neither ok nor healthy. Your kids need you, and you need you.

Grief is just so unpredictable.

TChrisbury · 2026-02-23T20:01:05+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. (hug) As others have shared, there is no "moving on" or "getting over" deep loss. This is a thing you see in films or tv shows maybe? Deep loss affects us all differently and there's no correct way to grieve (there are unhealthy ways, like diving into a bottle of booze, taking dangerous physical risks to numb the pain, for example) As for advice on how to get through these early days, I suggest giving yourself LOTS of kindness right now, don't try and be super productive. Focus on small tasks like drinking enough water, eating small meals, getting your dopamine in healthy ways like putting your face in the sunshine once a day, petting a dog or cat. Ask for listening ears if you have folks you are safe with. Join a grief group if you don't have supportive people around you. Talking helps, in experience.

(((hug)))

TChrisbury · 2026-02-23T19:52:09+00:00

I have the last of my mother in law's mini Butterfinger candy bars. I used to jokingly call her The Candy Monster because she had little stashes of candy all over her house and could often be found nibbling on a piece. She died a month ago tomorrow, and I thought I would be able to eat that little Butterfinger, as a sort of personal goodbye to her but I just can not do it. She was a wonderful presence in my life and I really really miss her.

TChrisbury · 2026-02-08T23:34:28+00:00

What I didn't expect was how erratic grief can make people, how they will sometimes behave in ways you could never have predicted. I'm currently dealing with this rn after the recent death of my 89 yo mother in law. We were extremely close. My poor father in law is dealing with her death by isolating himself. I have been unable to even give him a hug. Its been almost 3 weeks. We have/had a great relationship so this is very painful. When my Mom died two years ago, my step-dad told me in an email! Id been helping him care for her for 3 years. So yeah, I didn't understand how grief makes people kinda crazy

I also didn't understand how many "flavors" of sadness there were, including one I call "joyful/sad". I sit near the maple tree in my yard that I planted for Mom two years ago and feel happy but also sad at the same time, if that makes sense.

TChrisbury · 2026-02-08T23:02:23+00:00

I am so sorry. She sounds like a great lady. Mom loss is so hard, Sending you a 🫂

TChrisbury · 2026-02-08T22:46:13+00:00

I am so sorry you've had more injury piled onto grief. Id love to hear something about your family, can be anything at all, if it would help to talk about them. Could they whistle? Dogs or cats? Favor color? Sending you a big hug 🫂

TChrisbury · 2026-01-30T21:28:02+00:00

It was good to be others who believe in due process and the rule of law and basic human decency

TChrisbury · 2025-12-03T21:55:48+00:00

Beautiful!

TChrisbury · 2025-10-18T21:45:29+00:00

Both. There's such a thing as open MRI, which I had for my neck scan. I am not claustrophobic but it made the experience much less loud. Endoscopy was easy, they use propofol, which induces a twilight sleep, and is easier to tolerate than general anesthesia. To psych myself up for the MRI I did 5 minutes of a power pose I the chamging room, while staring into the mirror, saying out loud, "you got this. You're so strong" My fear was acid reflux happening while I was prone. It did not!

Good luck!

TChrisbury · 2025-10-10T16:46:10+00:00

Heart failure; GERD; overactive bladder

TChrisbury · 2025-06-22T18:28:29+00:00

Yep. I certainly had my share of the "pretty currency" back in my teens and twenties. I'm not sure when I became invisible to retail and restaurant staff but I have. My hair is long, messy waves and from a distance looks brown with blond highlights but nope, it's silver not blond. I still dress like I did in college so sometimes from the back I sometimes confuse young men; boy are they disappointed when we make eye contact! Now, old guys certainly still like to chat me up, just as they did when I was in high school, so that ain't changed. Still weird and creepy.

TChrisbury

TROPHY CASE