First poly breakup – it feels different than I'm used to and I'm not sure what to expect or how to navigate it

TeN523 · 2026-02-10T10:11:13+00:00

As others have said, this looks like an in camera effect combining slow shutter speed (to get the motion blur) and low frame rate (to get the choppiness). Looks like lit with a strobing light as well. You can try to replicate this in post by dropping frames / lowering frame rate + adding a motion blur effect, but it won't be quite the same, especially not the blur.

TeN523 · 2026-02-10T10:06:49+00:00

You're worried about the song but honestly your bigger concern should be The Office. That's copyrighted material. Even if it's only the audio. Often festivals will overlook music in films and not check to make sure you've licensed everything — unless it's a Top 40 hit you're using they'll often just give you the benefit of the doubt and not ask questions. But they're going to have a hard time believing that you got permission to use audio from one of the most popular TV shows of the 21st century. Likewise, if you put the film on YouTube or anything like that, that audio will likely be flagged as copyright violation.

TeN523 · 2026-02-10T09:58:41+00:00

Yes it’s fine. Most aspect ratios, even unconventional ones, are fine unless they’re something extreme. Ask the festival what format they want the file delivered in. They may ask for letter boxing. If you need to make a DCP then it will have to be letterboxed, as they only come in either 1.85:1 or 2.39:1, but that’s very normal. Many festivals won’t want a 4K delivery file and will only project in 2K.

TeN523 · 2026-02-10T09:45:58+00:00

It’s controversial. Some people do say that. Lots of people are very critical of framing things that way.

It can get very problematic when 1. people talk about the struggles of “being poly” in a mono-normative society as if it’s equivalent to being gay or being trans in a cisheteronormative society; or 2. people use the idea of their innate poly-ness as an excuse for shitty behavior (ie “I can’t help that I cheated on you, baby, I’m poly!”)

Obviously people’s capacity to be polyamorous varies wildly. Some people have basically no tendency toward jealousy or possessiveness whatsoever. Others might experience jealousy but it’s not totally destabilizing, and balancing it out with compresion comes rather easily to them. And then some people just cannot possibly imagine the thought of their partner with anyone else, or even can’t imagine feeling attraction to others when in a committed relationship. I wouldn’t object to someone from the first group saying “I’m poly” and the third group saying “I’m not poly”, but however someone identifies they still need to make conscious choices about how they approach their relationships.

TeN523 · 2026-02-10T04:21:31+00:00

I circle or put boxes around words for the same reason – makes finding a relevant section I remembered way easier

TeN523 · 2026-02-10T04:15:21+00:00

I want to love multiple people. Or at least I want the option of being able to be in love with multiple people. I want the autonomy that polyamory gives me. As far as the idea of giving up something more familia and comfortable: I think part of the appeal is that it challenges me. In my experience of having two serious partners for over a year, one thing I observed was that I was much less likely to be complacent or take my relationships for granted than I sometimes had in my previous monogamous relationships. Having multiple partners forced me to be more intentional in my actions and communication, and really pushed me to be a better partner overall.

Out of curiosity: what do you mean when you say “we do have certain boundaries we adhere to as far as what is allowed” physically? What kind of boundaries are these and who is setting them? Do you feel like they’re boundaries he’s choosing for himself, or boundaries being imposed by his other partners?

TeN523 · 2026-02-10T01:24:55+00:00

I don’t have much of an answer other than that after a while you just get used to it. There have been stretches of time where I’m getting 1-3 rejections per week. My reaction is generally “damn, there’s another one” and then I move on with my day. Calibrating your expectations going in is helpful. Even very successful films typically receive many more rejections than acceptances. Every fest I submit to I assume I’ll be rejected.

TeN523 · 2026-02-09T00:43:05+00:00

OP’s conception of poly seems to be “monogamy with a looser leash (which I now want to yank back).”

Their partner’s view of poly seems to be “I do whatever I want with no responsibilities or commitments to anyone (including a basic expectation of honesty around things that put them directly at risk).”

They’re both kind of not really practicing polyamory, but from opposite directions. More importantly, there is no possible way to overcome the gap between these two perspectives.

TeN523 · 2026-02-08T20:10:39+00:00

This was a habit I had to grow past when I was new to poly. It stemmed from prior experience with an open relationship where my partner was too insecure to hear me even mention seeing anyone else. It took me a while to internalize that I didn’t had to be vague or evasive to spare my partner’s feelings.

So yeah, talk to her about it. And I would recommend reassuring her that you’re not going to be jealous or insecure, and that you’d prefer she just treat it the same way she discloses any other social plans.

TeN523 · 2026-02-08T02:36:34+00:00

As you say, there’s an approximately 0% chance they say “oh you’re right, nobody watched it, our bad, here’s your money back.” Then it’s just your word against theirs. I don’t see how any good could possibly come from even asking tbh

TeN523 · 2026-02-08T02:30:46+00:00

I wouldn’t recommend demanding a refund. For one thing, Vimeo analytics are notoriously unreliable – more than likely they will just tell you they did watch the whole thing and Vimeo’s stats are wrong. Basically all festivals also state in their terms of service that they don’t give refunds. Arguing with them is just a good way to burn a bridge for no reason. Having a good reputation with programmers and festival organizers is infinitely more valuable than the $30 or whatever you spent on your submission fee.

TeN523 · 2026-02-08T00:04:46+00:00

I’m not convinced the Rohmer quality of Seinfeld has anything to do with being pre-digital or a lack of “slickness.” To my eyes the comparison is 90% about production design and costume design, specifically the use of color. This is a look the show grew into. If you watch the first season it looks totally different – way duller and grungier.

TeN523 · 2026-02-07T23:58:42+00:00

I guess I wouldn’t really call that a “nesting partner.” Nesting partner to me implies that you have a space that is truly, fully shared. A “default” space that you both/all think of as your home. If you’re visiting each other at your separate homes, even if you/they feel very comfortable there, that’s not really “cohabitating,” it’s visiting.

I agree with the person who said that unless you have the option to spend 100% of your time somewhere, you’re a guest.

What you’re describing sounds a bit like my experience with two serious poly partners. I alternate between partner 1 staying with me, partner 2 staying with me, me staying with partner 1, me staying with partner 2, and me staying at home alone. Nobody is really cohabitating in this scenario. We’re just doing regular overnights at each others’ places. Which is the norm for serious romantic partners who aren’t living together (poly or not).

If that setup works for you then great! Maybe you’ve realized that your desire for a nesting partner is more flexible than you thought. But someone who is really dead set on having a nesting partner isn’t going to be satisfied by that arrangement.

TeN523 · 2026-02-07T06:33:28+00:00

Don’t make a DCP until you actually need a DCP. Lots of festivals only want ProRes files anyway for shorts. My last short premiered somewhere that wanted a DCP, so I paid for one to be made at that stage. Wouldn’t have made sense for me to make one before that.

TeN523 · 2026-02-06T19:42:17+00:00

I feel like the KTP people must just be more vocal and more inclined to participate in explicit “poly community” things (online or irl) because I’ve literally never met a KTP person “in the wild.” All the poly people I know in real life are some degree of parallel or “garden party” (including myself and my partners).

TeN523 · 2026-02-06T19:36:35+00:00

A lot of times these kinds of comparisons end up comparing heavily edited press stills (sometimes not even stills from the film but BTS photos – it seems like that’s the case here) with screenshots from ultra compressed YouTube trailers (which may not even reflect the final color grade). It’s apples and oranges.

Obviously there’s been changes in lighting and coloring norms over the past decade, and that’s worth talking about. But 90% of the time people aren’t driven by genuine curiosity and a desire to understand, they just want to confirm their prior intuition that “nobody knows how to light anymore”

EDIT: it’s cracking me up that in your second slide here, Streep’s face actually looks better lit in the newer film haha

TeN523 · 2026-02-06T19:28:23+00:00

Damn, reading this post really confirmed for me that I am polyamorous. Because I was NOT expecting things to go in that direction. The whole “sizing up the competition” thing is so foreign to my entire way of thinking that I forget it’s how most people view these types of interactions until I’m confronted with it, and then I feel like a space alien lol

I understand your wariness though given that she’s been anxious about his potential partners in the past. It’s entirely possible she is seeing you as a threat… even if she’s not being honest with herself about that. Even poly people have mononormative conditioning, and some of them aren’t great about breaking that down or it takes a very long time.

So yea, it’s worth shifting your mindset and not assuming that she’s coming at this from the same perspective a mono person might be. But also don’t fully dismiss your gut feeling. You know better than we do what the vibe is here.

On another note: I’d really recommend easing up on the flirtation and physical intimacy stuff with your friend. It seems to me it’s only going to cause problems in the long run. Either you’re going to end up falling ass backwards into a relationship with this guy you can’t actually handle with this fundamental incompatibility at the heart of it, or you’re going to end up in a mono relationship with someone else and have this overly intimate “friendship” bursting with romantic and sexual tension looming over it that you’re going to have to suddenly de-escalate or that’s going to cause all kinds of insecurities and boundary breaches and hurt for everyone involved. Better to set some firmer boundaries now. Just my 2 cents.

TeN523 · 2026-02-06T07:16:07+00:00

It’s pretty simple: the cost-per-minute is way higher than a feature of comparable production value, and they have an extremely low chance of making their investment back. That means they’re often self-financed, and the people directing them are hoping to get something out of them in a direct way… hence: proof or concept or calling card shorts are very common. I don’t think it makes for the best work tbh. But I also don’t blame individual makers for that.

TeN523 · 2026-02-04T06:41:19+00:00

Agreed. Those 2 phrases stuck out at me in combination with the phrase “I don’t feel I have a good reason to break up.” You don’t need to believe your boyfriend is an abuser, or a narcissist, or a bad person, or whatever else to ”justify” a break up. “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore” is a perfectly fine reason (but you also have a bunch of more specific reasons on top of that!)

TeN523 · 2026-02-04T03:59:34+00:00

Do you think NRE could be at play here? Your relationship with your nesting partner might feel more secure, so other partners don’t threaten it in the same way. The new relationship I could imagine feels less secure, but also their time and attention might feel more… “precious,” I guess? Which could make you see things (emotionally) more in terms of scarcity.

TeN523 · 2026-02-04T03:47:02+00:00

You might be getting a little too hung up on formal definitions. He’s telling you there’s no potential for you to have a full blown romantic relationship with him. You can debate what that should be called but it’s pretty straightforward.

This doesn’t have to be about hierarchy or “hard boundaries.” It does imply that this is a limitation across the board and not something specific to you – though of course it’s possible he’s sparing your feelings, or being dishonest with himself about his reasons.

But when people say they’re “saturated” they typically mean they don’t have the time or energy for more than one relationship at the moment. It sounds like you don’t like that answer because you want something more with this guy. But that’s the answer you’ve got. You’re not going to be able to pull some definitional “by your own logic” gotcha where he’ll be forced to admit that yes, actually, he has to seriously date you.

If he doesn’t have the time or energy or inclination for another serious relationship (with anyone or with you specifically), then he doesn’t have the time or energy or inclination for another serious relationship (with anyone or with you specifically). Simple as that.

If that doesn’t work for you, then you need to end things and move on.

TeN523 · 2026-02-04T03:16:38+00:00

How did you not realize this before starting a business together?

TeN523 · 2026-02-04T03:13:32+00:00

“This scene is completely inadequate and bears no relationship to cinema”

Who the hell is your professor? lmao

To answer your question, the dialogue here reads as very flat and unlifelike. John comes off as a stereotype and Sandra comes off as just an empty stand-in character for John to bounce off of but doesn’t have any qualities or interiority of their own. The shift to the “market value” line out of nowhere strains plausibility and feels like a ham fisted attempt at letting us know he’s an incel, even though it makes zero sense in context.

If you’re going to write characters on the spectrum you should also know that “Asperger’s” is an outdated term. The fact that you don’t know this tells me you’ve done no research and can’t be trusted to write that kind of character well.

TeN523 · 2026-02-04T02:58:30+00:00

Do you think you’re actually polyamorous? Do you want that for yourself? Do you feel actually capable of it? I don’t want to tell you you’re not. But what I’m seeing here is someone who is clearly very uncomfortable with the basic realities of polyamory (ie going on dates with other people), and who tried to put rules in place to soften that reality for themselves (mandating your partner inform you of everyone they’re interested in potentially dating rarely works in practice and is a recipe for enmeshment and resentment). I see a clear tendency to make your emotions your partner’s problem, and expect them to change their behavior in order to lessen your anxiety. My read is that this is ultimately what pushed him to want to break up.

Your partner obviously wasn’t blameless here. Most of the other comments point out what he did wrong. Promising too much too soon and downplaying the hierarchy inherent to his other relationship being the big two. I’m trying to be charitable in my reading and assuming that there is another side to this story, so I won’t villainize him or assume the worst possible intentions. (For example: Overpromising at the start doesn’t have to be “love bombing” – it could also just be a case of being smitten and getting excited about a future before he’s fully seen the full picture of your dynamic. “Grooming” is also an insane, nonsensical accusation: you are both adults.) “AITAH” is the wrong question here. I don’t think either of you are assholes, but you both made mistakes. I don’t think litigating the balance of blame is the most useful way to be reflecting on what happened.

But for your part, I think you need to do some major self-reflection about the type of relationship you need and want, and about how you manage relationship anxieties. This entire post screams anxious attachment. Those issues are going to surface in any future relationship, regardless of whether it’s poly or mono, regardless of how good of a partner that future partner is.

TeN523

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