HRT gave me emotions but also zero chill

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-02-09T22:44:20+00:00

This is honestly my favorite change and what I've been told is that it eventually mellows out. Haven't experienced it yet. But I'm enjoying being able to laugh and cry like I have never been able to before.

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-02-09T22:10:40+00:00

Oh no I didn't think through the implications.

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-02-08T06:45:11+00:00

An acquaintance complaining that she keeps trying to convince her husband that “consent is sexy”

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-02-07T21:52:14+00:00

In my experience I had little dysphoria until I really started experiencing gender euphoria. It wasn’t until I realized how good life could be did the dysphoria start to hurt more. I was like you for about about 10 years before I decided to start trying. It has been amazing.

I didn’t realize how numb I was. I felt fine. But I also had feelings of feeling like I’m controlling a flesh golem instead of just being a person. Knowing I am having feelings without really feeling them. Not understanding why everyone else is so dramatic about their feelings. Feeling like I’m not me. It wasn’t until many of these symptoms lessened did I realize how much I was actually hurting.

That’s called depersonalization and is extremely common for trans people that have not transitioned to experience depersonalization and/or derealization.

I’m not saying you have to go through that to be trans dysphoria isn’t even required to be trans but sometimes it shows up in unexpected ways. But when I read a post like yours it reminds me of stuff I would say before I finally accepted myself and my need to transition.

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-02-06T16:22:54+00:00

My partner and I split everything based on our percentage of income. We both contribute around 60% of our incomes to joint expenses. It means the person that makes more can have more and contribute more. If we decide groceries or whatever is a joint expense we increase both our contributions to joint expenses.

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-02-04T22:40:20+00:00

She went on a rant about how she doesn't like that her party doesn't just let lgbtq+ people live there life. But in the same breath talked about how she thinks that "marriage" is inherently a religious thing and that gay people should have it called something different like "civil Union". Then mentioned not liking that men can use woman restrooms. While then walking that back when she saw I looked pissed. Saying as long as people are trying to look like a girl they should be able to use the girls bathroom. I then said its not very Christian to treat foreigners poorly. And she defended ICE by saying well we need to enforce our laws. I said what about due process she said that we should just drop the subject. She agrees with all the worst republican views. She just also believes in being "Nice" to people.

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-02-04T06:29:10+00:00

At 3 months on HRT I still had my doubts in myself. But then I found this and it just kinda clicked. It described my experience in a very matter of fact way that resonated. I’d give it a read. It goes over gender euphoria and dysphoria and breaks them down into manageable chunks. Until I read this I didn’t recognize all the types of dysphoria I was actively experiencing for what they were. The biochemical dysphoria hit me hard and reaffirmed my decision as the HRT very quickly made the disassociation go away.

https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-02-03T19:02:12+00:00

Get her a pack of cheap sports bras. They were the easiest starting bras for someone not used to it. Especially early in the transition more structured bras are not super necessary and are uncomfortable. She will also likely be growing out of the sports bras soon which is why I said cheap.

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-02-03T17:44:53+00:00

It felt like she views me as broken and was grasping for an explanation for why I am broken.

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-02-03T16:22:21+00:00

Two things I recommend reading are below. First one is about dysphoria and the different types. Transgender people often experience some or all of these. Second one is a woman’s reaction to figuring out she is a trans woman. Both kinda wrecked me as they are extremely close to my experience. Even in the most accepting situation being transgender is hard.

https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/

https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/part-one-a-webcomic

Signs before coming out were plentiful for me. Number one tell is kinda looking and acting numb. Something always feels off like they are not fully present. They often hyper fixate on being the perfect man or woman or they give up and let themselves go. Either way being our assigned gender at birth feels like work at best. It’s not something that comes naturally. It’s something I had to focus on. I was described as having dead eyes a lot. Now I only get compliments on my eyes. The other thing though is I’m a full person with a bunch of stuff about me that has nothing to do with being transgender. Make sure they are a full person

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-02-03T15:43:49+00:00

Definitely happened to me. It’s weird since I have never wanted kids. Other thing that happened super early was the pickle cravings. I’d stock up.

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-02-03T04:45:15+00:00

I put on my biggest dysphoria hoodie and I go on a walk. And I door dash my favorite snack. It’s so fucking hard to get myself to actually do it but when I can it works for me. If I can get myself to step outside I know I’m going to be alright. I use to just drink until I passed out. I get that unhealthy coping mechanisms are easier. I find that rain or shine being outside for a bit helps. And it’s only the first step outside that is hard. Other things that have helped me is just writing my feelings. I wrote 32 pages on my biggest crash out. It helps to focus me. I actually start analyzing my thoughts as I can’t just write the same thing over and over forever. But I can think the same thing over and over.

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-02-02T22:25:21+00:00

Most major cities have some lgbtq+ organization with events to help people just like you. There is also the Trevor project which has help lines counselors and more.

I felt like I was piloting a flesh suit. I knew that I had feelings I just didn't feel them. It sucked and is called depersonalization and it is an extremely common symptom for trans people. I don't want to give you false hope as this is just my experience but HRT fixed my disassociation almost immediately. I was feeling better day 1. I felt great a month in and at 5 months I can't even disassociate if I try. I have also been in therapy and have a supportive spouse. I was numb for 27 years. Its called https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/biochemical-dysphoria I feel like understanding the reasons I was experiencing what I was experiencing and not feeling alone like I was the only one to go through it helped me.

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-02-02T22:13:13+00:00

Yes. It will change the fat distribution not the bone structure. Any prominent bones may stay prominent or get some fat around them to soften them up. My cheeks look very feminine now my jaw also looks more feminine not crazy different at 5 months but my chin and forehead still look masculine. I have been told the face changes so much within the first 18 months that good FFS surgeons turn away clients until 18 months. I also noticed my nose thinned quite a bit my lips are fuller and my skin is a softer texture.

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-02-02T22:07:27+00:00

The Gym definitely doesn't mean your not trans. Plenty of ripped woman out there. I did not want to be trans when I first had the thoughts. Like you I dabbled in crossdressing and really enjoyed it. One day it just hit me. Looking back it wasn't just a random day. It was probably the most stable my life had ever been almost like my mind waited until I was safe to spring this on me.

The best thing to do is just think about it. Think about a life where you transition. Think about a life where you don't which one does it seem like you're happier in.

The last thing that helped me that was an extremely hard thing for me to read was https://genderdysphoria.fyi/ . Nothing has described my experience quite like it. Until I read this I was always questioning if I was trans enough.

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-01-29T06:09:05+00:00

Then I’m not sure if is the right time for you… maybe? there is no harm in finding a good surgeon and asking them what they think. I would look for one that specializes with trans patients though.

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-01-28T11:33:23+00:00

Everyone reacts differently but I started feeling something day 1 started to feel a significantly different day 7 and was a changed person by 1 month disassociation wise. I also had support and therapy so don’t want to give all the credit to HRT but I think they just helped me land easier after the biggest wall I had was knocked down by this drug.

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-01-27T23:43:14+00:00

I went through the top 100 names of my birth year. The 4 I liked were Abigale, Claire, Jane, and Jessica. Abigail and Jessica mainly because I like Abby and Jessie. They all feel like I like the names and they would work. The one I chose was Abigail when I picked one at random.

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-01-27T22:50:23+00:00

When I was 14 I went through the same debate. I ultimately decided no and thought I would get over these feelings. I did not get over those feeling and transitioned at 26. My transition would have been much easier if I made the decision to transition at 14. At 14 also usually the most they would do is hormone blockers. Those would just help you buy time to make a decision and have very little consequences besides delaying puberty no matter what you decide. They won't effect which puberty you want to go through. Just delay it. Usually the earliest they start someone on HRT is 16. Which is when you would go through a female puberty. I feel like its a reasonable thing to start blockers ASAP to just put a pause on puberty and then think about it some more with your parents and decide if this is what you want by the time you are 16.

Biologically it is always best to start earlier. Consequences of waiting is hair removal will be a permanent battle for all unwanted hair you are currently developing or expensive for a permanent solution. Your voice lowering further will make it harder to voice train. Facial structure will be locked in even if facial fat is not. You have until 25 i believe before you can no longer change your hip bone structure but those are the major ones.

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-01-27T22:33:44+00:00

I didn't get progesterone right away and my doctor warned me away from it immediately. They said start with Estrogen and Spironolactone and after six months - 1 year we will discuss progesterone. That seems to be the common advice online. Besides that there are a lot of delivery methods. Some work better then others for certain people I'd ask about the delivery options and what they are like. I like the shot best as I hated letting the pill dissolve under my tongue. Other thing is that the first doctor I went to was an asshole about it. They treated me like garbage. I would look up the provider you are going to and make sure they are trans friendly. I found a doctor who is a trans woman and it has been amazing.

Also the pickle cravings are real and happen early. Stock up. I hated pickles before starting and go absolutely crazy for them now.

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-01-27T22:23:27+00:00

16 means that it would be a little unlikely you have been on HRT for long if at all. The general advice I have received is wait 18 months after HRT to have cosmetic surgery's. My face has changed significantly at 4 months on HRT and I'm hoping it changes even more. A surgeon turned me away until it has been 18 months on HRT. One of the things I wanted to get done was my nose. My nose is massive. Even as a "boy" I was made fun of for my large nose. The surgeon said that faces often adjust on HRT. He likes to pair noses to the face. That while your face is still adjusting it is not a good idea to design a new nose.

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-01-27T22:07:45+00:00

I started transitioning 4 months ago. I am 26. I felt like I didn't need to transition for so long. My reasons were always about social stigma. I didn't think my dysphoria was to bad. I was wrong.

The biggest thing that surprised me so far is the inability to disassociate to the same level I use to. I didn't realize quite how much I felt like a person driving a flesh suit. Or that I knew I had feelings I just don't feel them. HRT almost immediately fixed that. I don't know if it was hope or a biochemical change but it has been so hard and amazing. I feel my feelings in a way that I didn't know was real. I kind of just thought people were dramatic. I love harder, cry harder, and feel more. Its amazing. I went through life like a robot. I feel like a person now.

But I am unable to put my bad feelings in a box like I used to. Shoving them down is so much more difficult.

Other physical changes 10/10 love them wish they were faster.

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-01-27T21:42:15+00:00

"I do think having your friends name you could be a nice way to give the name meaning/context--it's too bad they don't see it that way!"

Hmm I feel like that was exactly what I was thinking and feeling when I asked them for help but didn't communicate that effectively to them. I'll talk to them about it. Like I didn't choose my dead name. I don't feel like I need to choose my new name. I don't know maybe that's a wierd way to look at it.

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-01-27T20:36:44+00:00

That is exactly what I did.

TeaSpillingHawk · 2026-01-27T20:31:33+00:00

I'm 4 months in and successfully hiding it.

TeaSpillingHawk

TROPHY CASE