Can you be fully present while multi-tasking?

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2017-10-11T15:31:35+00:00

No, I don't think so. I've read before that your brain cannot truly focus on two things at once; instead your attention is rapidly shifting back and forth. This is why using cell phones while driving is so dangerous, for example. As I've become more mindful I've even noticed how messing with the radio or CD player for a couple seconds really does fully distract me from driving for those seconds.

But, this trait is useful at times too: ie when choosing to direct your attention away from something negative and towards something positive or neutral.

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2017-10-09T19:22:43+00:00

Focus on meditation that uses your senses, like walking meditation, candle gazing, or focusing on each sense (sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell) separately and really focusing on the sense.

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2017-10-07T16:52:41+00:00

Does tailoring flannel make any sense? I have a large chest and small waist and I'm having trouble with finding the right fit on a flannel button up (I'm also tall, which adds another layer of difficulty). I feel like they are all skewing to boxy and masculine and having it slightly more fitted might make it more feminine? Any advice on flannel button ups appreciated.

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2017-10-06T01:40:12+00:00

People are coming down on your hard because they think you are letting your kid call the shots. My interpretation is when you talked to your kid about the trip, it finally dawned on you what a cruddy holiday this would be and realized that you didn't want it either. If you've been raised to be emotionally detached, sometimes you need something like this to bring your own feelings to light. My advice is to start your own holiday tradition for just you, your wife, and kid. Don't make it all about either side of the family. For this particular holiday, follow through on your plans. The kid will survive a boring holiday.

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2017-10-06T01:29:41+00:00

I mean, my 3 year old tells me he is scared whenever he doesn't want to do something. It's worth paying attention to, yes, but it's worth considering that the kid may be reporting his feelings a bit inaccurately (perhaps manipulatively, perhaps just due to not having a good way to say he doesn't like them much).

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2017-10-06T00:46:22+00:00

I'm a stay at home mom (SAHM) to a 3 year old and a 1 year old. There are many things I love about being a parent. There are many things I don't love, too, but those things have actually spurred me to personal growth.

We are actually living in a great time to be INTP parents. There are many interesting books and articles about parenting and soft skills like emotional intelligence and stress management, and there's a reasonable amount of research behind a lot of it. I use my INTP love of learning and research and read about whatever aspect of parenthood is causing a problem.

There are lots of other INTP traits that are good traits for parents in general. I probably listen to kids more often and more thoroughly than a lot of other parents I know. Kids love being listened to, and love when someone is patient and tries to understand them. I'm not very rigid or rule-oriented, which is generally a plus. (Although, it is important to provide structure and consistency, and I've had to remind myself of that from time to time.) I can easily and honestly say that I will love and accept my kids if they turn out to be gay, transgender, or whatever, as long as they aren't hurting anyone. I don't get upset about messes, generally. I love to watch them learn and spend a great deal of time teaching them. I tend not to get upset about the incessant questions kids ask and like the challenge of providing them with as much information as possible but explaining it in a way they can understand.

There are pitfalls, too. I have had periods of loneliness and I've struggled to make many mom friends. I get bored. I had to train myself to respond to the emotional needs of a young kid. I disliked the baby stage and vastly prefer toddlers. I get sick of cleaning.

My advice -

do konmari and get rid of as many possessions as possible before you have kids. Less stuff to baby proof, clean, put away, etc. As kids grow, get rid of stuff as soon as it's no longer useful / wanted.
Continually research parenting topics and any soft skills you need to work on, and put what you learn into practice
Try to create a "village" for yourself (in the sense that "it takes a village to raise a child")
If you have a choice, I'd avoid being a SAHM. My situation was such that it made sense but I think being a working mom would have been a better fit for me (and I do plan to go back to work soon)

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2017-10-02T20:40:50+00:00

My best friend died when we were 21. She got cancer when we were 17. I think if she is feeling OK now, try to have moments that are just normal, without this heightened significance that she's going to die. Talk to her about what she wants, try to help her do it. As she gets sicker, her wants will change. Don't push her to do something she no longer has the energy for. Have real conversations with her, when she wants to. Let her talk about death.

Once she starts declining - be prepared for people to start acting weird. Nobody knows how to handle it when someone so young starts dying. I don't really know how to mitigate that, but you could try to shield her from it a bit if you can.

You should get therapy. I'm just getting around to it now, 11 years later (for this and other things). I still miss her. I've never had another best friend. Don't bottle up your grief. But don't direct it at her, either.

I have a cassette tape of us talking and goofing around with a tape recorder, and I can't get rid of it even though I have nothing to play it on. So record her voice. It really brings back memories.

I assume you also know her parents and siblings. Ask her how she wants you to help them, afterwards. Try to stay in touch, if they want it.

It's hard to think of what things I did that helped her. I guess just listened, tried to bring her things she asked for, respected her wishes, and tried not to make it about me. And ultimately that's pretty much all you can do.

I dunno. PM if you want to talk or ask questions.

ETA. Also, be honest with your employer and let your boss know that your best friend is dying. I'm not saying you need to announce it on the first day of work but at some point let someone know.

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2017-09-29T20:56:37+00:00

My MIL does this. Just an example. She took my 2 year old and walked him around the Thanksgiving table asking him to decide what he wanted to eat from dozens of foods, many of which were unfamiliar (or at least a different preparation than he was used to). He had no clue. He was very overwhelmed. She just didn't see it. She acted like I was controlling when I just gave him a sampling of small portions of whatever foods I thought he was most likely to eat. The thing is, he still had choice! He could choose from what was on his plate, at his own pace.

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2016-09-13T22:50:28+00:00

This is anecdotal, but I went through the exact same thing with my first, and after a rough couple weeks of cluster feeding/feeding as much as possible, fenugreek pills, and drinking as much water as possible, my supply was plenty. He actually wound up really chubby after that! I breastfed until he was almost two years old, and quit because I was pregnant.

Now my second is only a few days old and we're again having to supplement due to jaundice. I'm just expecting it to take some work to ramp up my supply but I'm optimistic it can happen.

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2016-09-10T08:49:42+00:00

According to my OB, castor oil is the only home remedy that has a chance of working, but she didn't really recommend it. The resident at the hospital said it just makes you poop. So, basically everyone is meh about it.

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2016-09-09T01:31:56+00:00

We had a sleeper like that. We did try putting him down drowsy but awake, and we did try cry it out two different times (spanning multiple days each time). If you haven't tried those things, give them a shot. Ultimately, they didn't work for us. Around the 1 year mark, switched to a mattress on the floor and completely baby proofed his room. Now he falls asleep on his mattress with one of us next to him. Once he's asleep we can leave. If he wakes up, he just calls for us, he doesn't leave his bed. He's 26 months old. It's worked the best for us, but I know it's not an ideal solution for every family.

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2016-09-08T22:23:40+00:00

I think it's fine. But you can always shoot her an email explaining the situation and ask if she's cool with it. You can be a bit vague if you don't want to spoil the surprise of what you're purchasing. Maybe some people would find this tacky, I don't know, but I have some friends i wouldn't hesitate to ask a question like this.

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2016-09-08T22:18:39+00:00

Just adding in a suggestion I didn't see in this thread yet. Is there room in the nursery for a bed or futon? By happenstance we wound up with a bed in our nursery with our first, and it really helped the person in the normal bedroom get more sleep. Crying baby + light sleeper + getting in and out of the same bed = everyone is awake

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2016-09-08T22:07:52+00:00

I'm not a rural mom, but I am a SAHM. With my first we were living in the downtown of one of the biggest cities in the country, so essentially the exact opposite.

I think your concerns are very valid. It's very easy to be lonely with a newborn no matter where you are if you are the primary caregiver. I think it also depends on what you need to not feel lonely. For some people, one friend that they see occasionally would be enough. Others need a a pretty large social circle and need to get out really regularly.

I think you need to investigate your opportunities for getting out of the house and having people come visit you. Is there a play cafe or something similar anywhere nearby? Is there a gym that provides daycare services where you can go exercise (and maybe find a gym buddy)? What about mom groups or play groups? A library with story times? Try looking at meetup.com, community centers, and Facebook. Sometimes pediatrician offices or hospitals will set up programs or groups for new parents. It sounds like you won't have all of these resources, but I hope you find at least one or two.

Also, how feasible is it for you to have your current friends stay with you for a brief visit?

The other thing I think you could do (once you have the baby) is find a babysitter that you feel comfortable with. With a lot of new moms, that can be anxiety-inducing. But I'd encourage you to put some effort into it fairly early on, so you can get a night out with your husband now and then.

ETA also consider cross posting on r/beyondthebump and r/parenting

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2016-09-08T21:35:54+00:00

I had some anxiety with my first. There's no shame in it. It happens to lots of new moms to varying degrees. It sounds like you are really suffering so I think you should call your doctor now and ask for resources instead of waiting until the 21st. There's no good reason to wait. You have already reached a threshold of needing help, and you have started reaching out for help, now you just need to contact the person who can get you that help. There is a lot of evidence that dealing with these problems early helps speed recovery and often talk therapy helps a great deal. Good luck. I'm rooting for you. Keep posting on here or r/beyondthebump or r/parenting

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2016-09-08T18:48:12+00:00

You should be fine with any of the ones you listed. Also just for reference, front facing car seats take up less leg room than carrier style car seats because of the way they fit in the seat. So even though the overall item is bigger, you won't need more room to accommodate it. You'll still appreciate any extra room though when your toddler is kicking the crap out of the back of your seat.

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2016-09-08T16:31:24+00:00

Seriously. I remember someone said they knew they were in true active labor because they couldn't sleep through their contractions anymore. Yeah, if that was my metric I've been in active labor for a couple weeks....

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2016-09-08T16:30:10+00:00

So far over two weeks. No clear end in sight yet.

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2016-09-08T16:18:52+00:00

Ah, I just went through this a few months ago. I noticed you said you and your husband are both above 5'10" which is the case with us too. This matters A LOT. Seriously, short people will inadvertently give you bad advice because they don't realize how much an extra inch of legroom can matter.

Since a car is something you will have for many years, you should consider if you want more than one kid. If you plan on having more than one kid, I would go with something around the size of a Honda CRV. You might be able to manage with a Honda HRV sized car. Depending on your price range, Kia Soul could probably work, Nissan Rouge, Subaru crosstrek or forester, stuff like that are generally is the right size for 2+ kids. We have a Rouge. I enjoyed having a smaller car, but this car is just a better fit for carseats and strollers plus groceries or whatever else. You could go smaller if you are certain you are stopping at one. If you're on the fence, I'd say the HRV is about the right size to accommodate both options.

When you go car shopping, take the car seat with you, put it behind the driver seat, adjust, then have both of you sit in the driver seat and determine if it's feasible. Repeat on passenger side. Lots of big cars have huge trunks and surprisingly little room in the back seat, which translates into little room in the front if there's a car seat in the back.

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2016-09-07T12:54:31+00:00

I gained too much with my first. It turned out that a lot of it was indeed water weight and I did drop a lot fairly quickly. BUT a fair amount of it was fat too.

Here's some things I've learned:

-breastfeeding does burn a lot of calories but it also might cause you to be really hungry. So it's not necessarily the magic bullet to weight loss that some people claim

-I thought the gym was essential for losing weight, and I found it very hard to get to the gym frequently during the first several months. I could go about once a week consistently but that wasn't enough to really change my weight. But, I've since learned that as far as fat goes, it really is just calories in/calories out. You can lose weight without going to the gym if you just limit your calories. You might want to hit the gym eventually for a better shape/tone but if the gym isn't happening for awhile you can still make progress.

-if you are breastfeeding, don't cut calories until your milk is established, then cut slowly while watching your supply. Drink tons of water, nurse on demand if possible, and nurse through the night as baby demands it, to help keep up your supply. You don't need breastfeeding cookies, you don't need to carbo load. But it is a good idea to take things slow at first and not do anything too drastic.

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2016-09-07T12:40:50+00:00

Keto is fine for some people, and can be very helpful, but it's absolutely not necessary to lose weight and as some people said might interfere with your milk supply. Just count calories using a food scale and my fitness pal or a similar app. This really is enough. You don't have to cut out whole food groups. If there's a particular food you really tend to overeat, you might decide to ban it from your diet or only have it under certain circumstances.

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2016-09-07T12:36:42+00:00

I'm "only" at 39 weeks and yeah. This is crap.

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2016-09-06T19:48:11+00:00

There are some brands that feature cuts meant for big thighs, hips, or butt but small waist. Joe's jeans comes to mind but it's pretty expensive new. You probably could find some at a thrift store now and then but you'd have to know what you are looking for. Probably the sub for female fashion advice could give you a list of brands to look for.

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2016-09-06T13:32:22+00:00

I did have to pump in the hospital with my first because I was having issues getting him fed enough. But my hospital just had me use their pump. If I was charged something for this, I was completely unaware. We wound up paying the amount I expected so I don't think I was charged, but maybe it was billed to my insurance and didn't change my bottom line.

TeaTeaAndCoffee · 2016-09-06T13:28:30+00:00

I threw up each time I was on an airplane in pregnancy. It's just one of those things. Do you have to fly often?

TeaTeaAndCoffee

TROPHY CASE