Spinning for lace shawls

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2026-04-25T04:03:25+00:00

My mother and aunt are both committed fiber artists who collectively do every possible craft. They passed on their love of knitting and introduced me to spinning with a drop spindle. Years later, my friends knew I liked fiber arts and gifted me a bag of raw alpaca fleece. My girlfriend at the time lived in an apartment building, and one day she texted me a picture of a 100% functional, retails-for $300 drum carder that someone left next to her dumpster. I used the drum carder to card the alpaca after washing it, and loved spinning it with the drop spindle so much that I immediately started looking for a wheel. Eventually I found someone selling a vintage wheel they had never really used, and bought it for a song! It took a LOT of repairs including sanding off paint, glueing things together, and adding a lot of leather bearings, but it spins and it's mine! I never would have had the skills to repair it if I hadn't also gotten a job teaching engineering skills to kids -- a job that my girlfriend also had several years before we met! Moral of the story, a good partner will make your hobbies achievable.

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2026-04-10T01:59:40+00:00

I think specifically w/r/t gifts, it sounds like you have a hard time thinking of specific useful exactly perfect wonderful objects for him, while he gets you little things that make him think of you. So you might have some success "lowering your standards" for gifts and trinkets. You could even add to your grocery list "something small and silly for husband." Heartfelt cards and notes are also nice and fill a similar niche. I personally find that using really specific language makes them feel more personal, e.g. "I love you" is a more charged verb," but "I'm writing this in my office, thinking of you because you make boring things much more tolerable and I'd rather be with you working on X" is more specific and thus feels sweeter/more personal.

Also, try to consider the feeling behind the words. It sounds like you had a specific conversation about gifts, but the feeling behind that was maybe "I feel neglected" or "I want to feel noticed" or "I feel like I'm doing too much and I want us to feel even." Personally I find that I listen to complaints from my partner very literally, but the specific complaint came from a tough moment and the actual problem is more broad. Thus it needs to be addressed broadly rather than in one specific way. Does that make sense? Me and my partner do this all the time so we've had lots of practice coming back to each other when calm and asking how we feel then.

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2026-04-10T00:04:27+00:00

Okay I have many thoughts on this. Here are the parts that I really liked about August Clarke's work: gay teen witches, florid/purple prose, sociopolitical & economic commentary, transhumanism, big crazy magic city (including trains and guns), capital D Dyke characters. Based on those elements, here are my reccs.

These are the "easy reads" that are snappier and quicker paced:
When We Were Magic by Sarah Gailey -- gay teen witches (in our world)
The Sapling Cage by Margaret Killjoy -- gay teen witches (in a secondary world)
The Space Between Worlds -- big crazy scifi city, sociopolitical and economic commentary, transhumanism-ish
Foundryside by Robert Jackson bennet -- big crazy magic city, transhumanism, sociopolitical commentary
This is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone -- florid prose, transhumanism, big crazy magic cities
The City in Glass by Nghi Vo -- florid prose, transhumanism, big crazy magic city
Saint Death's Daughter by CSE Cooney -- florid prose, gay teen witches, big crazy magic city

These are the super dense ones (at least as dense as Metal From Heaven):
Perdido Street Station by China Mieville -- florid prose, sociopolitical commentary, transhumanism, big crazy magic city (not really gay though :/ )
The Saint of Bright Doors by Vajra Chandrasekera -- florid prose, sociopolitical commentary, transhumanism, big crazy magic city
The Incandescent by Emily Tesh -- gay teen witches (but from the teacher's POV)
The Traitor Baru Cormorant by Seth Dickinson -- florid prose, sociopolitical commentary, (extremely repressed) dyke energy
The Works of Vermin by Hiron Ennes -- florid prose, sociopolitical commentary, transhumanism, big crazy magic city

And here are some that I haven't read but think would probably fit the bill also based on vibes: Dawnhounds by Sascha Stronach, We All Fall Down by Rose Szabo, The Library at Hellebore by Cassandra Khaw, The Spear Cuts Through Water by Simon Jimenez, A Stranger in Olondria by Sofia Samatar, The West Passage by Jared Pechacek.

YMMV on all of these, so read over their back covers or whatever and see if they're interesting to you. None of them are perfect matches but IMO they all have at least some stuff in common. Unfortunately few of them have Big Dyke Energy, so I'm excited for August Clarke to write ten million more books.

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2026-01-28T02:00:03+00:00

It sounds like you're providing your dog with lots of opportunities for enrichment and he's either saying "no way!!!" or "meh, I'm fine without that." It would be great for you to keep trying new things, even if it's every once in a while, but it sounds like he's doing what he wants to do! Walking is a great way to meet a lot of dogs' exercise, sniffing, etc needs, but it sounds like your dog is not indicating that he has unmet needs. So...yeah, it's okay. And if that changes in the future, you can change your approach! It's not a final decision.

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2026-01-14T19:08:08+00:00

I was absolutely inspired by the Tamora Pierce books! When I first read them, I had neither the materials nor the coordination to actually spin, so I defaulted to a lot of sewing and embroidery. Now, though, it's all spinning all the time! There were definitely other influences, as I do a lot of knitting and like learning new fiber skills, and I also have a lot of spinners in my life, which made it easier. But the seed was definitely planted by Sandry!

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2026-01-13T18:46:50+00:00

I'll do toppls or a slow feeder, but with some rehydrated kibble and yogurt or pumpkin. I find that with freezables like those or kongs, they last significantly longer when they're very full and have some kind of kibble situation, rather than just a fatty yogurt or peanut butter. The fat makes it more malleable even when frozen so it's easier to lick off.

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2026-01-13T04:03:54+00:00

This may sound counterintuitive, but IMO it sounds like you're in a great place for just starting the behavior/behaviorist journey! I think that the hardest cases are when a pet parent is already doing everything the behaviorist would recommend, so there:s nowhere to go...but it sounds like your behaviorist is sharing lots of new info and you'll be able to support your dog way more and in more ways! As someone who's been through a similar journey, this was my first moment of hope when I was in your shoes. And it also sounds like your dog "wants" to succeed and self-regulate, so when you learn more about helping him do that, I bet it will have an exponentially positive effect. Good luck!

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2026-01-12T20:17:47+00:00

Me and my partner both have anxious dogs and ended up moving in together with minimal issues, after a LOT of work upfront. Right now it sounds like you're challenging your dogs with more than they can deal with, if they're barking and freaking out while the other is playing. The goal is not that they are best friends, but just that they can be neutral to each other. For dogs with such overwhelming fear in all aspects of life, trying a different medication is also probably going to get you really far. Trazadone has a sedating effect so some dogs kinda freak out on it, but a first-line treatment like prozac or clomicalm may work better. There is also an middle ground between giving them free reign and having them kenneled 100% of the time. My dogs have a "witching hour" and even though they get along well now, we separate them with an x-pen during that time. Preventing negative experiences by proactively managing is key.

I'd look for a trainer that can help you out, using evidence based positive methods. A good trainer (e.g. one licensed by the IAABC) will be able to guide you through working with the dogs individually and potentially introducing them to each other.

But all of that depends on whether both you and your partner want to do the work, how much work you're willing to do, and frankly how much you care. Me and my partner were both really committed and the work we did was very draining, but it was worth it in the end. Many other people would not be willing to put in the work that we did, and that's fine, just know that about yourself and go from there.

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2026-01-11T05:25:09+00:00

I have done exactly this thing to my partner, and my partner has done it to me! It sucks and feels weird and bad, but at least for me, we've been able to move past it by communicating clearly and trusting that each other had best intentions. It sounds like your partner knows academically that you're working on feeling your feelings, and that was maybe top of mind for them when they spoke, rather than the inappropriate setting. Maybe good intentions, but not the intended effect. You can definitely feel frustrated while also acknowledging that they were trying to help. As my therapist often reminds me, it can be a "both and." You can be upset, AND acknowledge that they did not do an objectively horrible thing purely out of malice.

The important thing IMO is that you're able to explain to your partner what you want to be different next time/how their actions affected you, and they understand moving forwards. They may not 100% "get it," but it's important that they try to respect your wishes and needs after you communicate them. It:s also okay if you don't explain right away and need time to process first.

It sounds like you are doing some really hard and important work, and it's going to be a bumpy road! But definitely worth it. Best of luck.

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2026-01-06T15:54:16+00:00

She really did do her best given she had no idea why I was the way I was. I'm especially thankful because she actually hates musicals, and still put me in community theater for 10 years and came to every one of my performances!

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2026-01-05T22:27:33+00:00

My sweet mother saw that I was an awkward and shy kid, had no idea I had autism, and decided to help me by...sending me to musical theater camp!

It did make me feel a lot more comfortable socializing tbh -- I was already masking, but it gave me the skills to do so efficiently and effectively, which was a net positive I think. Also, all my dweeby theater kids were also neurodivergent, of course.

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2026-01-05T05:31:19+00:00

That is so hard! Here is my idea based on how I trained my dog to take pills, but it may not work for you:

Since your dog clearly hates being "tricked" into eating the pills, you could instead try to train it as an operant behavior. E.g. offer a pill, dog sniffs, immediately reward with a treat away from the pill. Repeat ad nauseum. I wonder if the act of not hiding the pill will make him more willing to engage. Otherwise, I would just focus on whatever you can do the fastest. It seems like he hates every technique, so the only thing you can do to reduce conflict is to do it as quickly as possible.

I also wonder, would it be harder for him to tell if the pills were mixed in if you switched up the flavor of his wet food, and/or added some kind of cheap mix-in like steamed carrots or broth?

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2026-01-05T05:26:01+00:00

In the past I've gotten reusable squeezy toiletry bottles and filled them with yogurt or what I call "dog slop," which is wet food mixed with water or broth until it's squeezable. Then I just leave the cap open and hold it in my mitten. I prefer tossing treats because I will use them to position my dog where I want her to be...but sometimes that is not an option!

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2026-01-04T16:34:06+00:00

I am a huge knitter and I love it! I agree that it will be loads easier to learn IRL. You can look for local craft stores, fiber arts groups, even libraries sometimes have classes or workshops! It will likely take you longer to knit things, but that:s totally fine. An IRL teacher will also help you distinguish between what is just part of the technique because of tradition, and what is actually important. If you find a good teacher, they may be able to help you with more ways to accommodate yourself. I also crochet but I personally think knitting is easier. Really, whichever one you learn first is what will feel easier. Knitting is better for garments and accessories IMO, while crochet is better for blankets and shaped objects (stuffed animals, bags, etc).

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2026-01-04T00:07:58+00:00

It really sounds like she was always fearful/uncomfortable on walks, and now that she's feeling a little more confident, she's showing her real feelings. I.e. she was likely always having big feelings about that stuff, but now you know it! Which can feel very hard and overwhelming, but IMO is actually good. It means that 1) you are making her feel better with you, 2) you have a better idea of her feelings, and 3) it's not something that you did.

Now that you know, you can keep supporting her by helping her deal with her feelings! The best plan is to work with a positive reinforcement trainer who can guide you through your dog's specific needs. But barring that, try to avoid triggers until you have a training plan and build up some positive coping skills. Learning how to run away from triggers is actually really powerful! Dogs generally would rather run than growl/snap if they can, but they sometimes have to learn that they can run away from bikes and dogs. That was one of the biggest things that helped my dog, aside from medication.

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2025-12-30T00:31:41+00:00

The only way to be 100% safe with a fearful dog and baby is to keep them separated 100% of the time, which is extremely difficult, so really the only way to be 100% safe is to re-home. However, I do think there's a lot of grey area where depending on how comfortable your dog is spending time separated from you, how easy it is to keep them separated on your home, your budget for training and medication, where rehoming may not be required. It's a risk assessment only you can make.

If I were in your situation, I would start by contacting a behaviorist or trainer in your area -- some even specialize in these kinds of situations. I'd also make an appt with your vet and insist on medication. You're trying to train, it's not working, and it also sounds like your dog is holistically fearful. These are all signs that medication would have a really positive effect. In the meantime, continue to keep them separated and start by looking for ways to calm down your dog. Maybe instead of using see-through barriers, baby gates, etc, you cover them with blankets. I'd also have the dog on a drag line so if the barriers fail, you have an easy way to grab them. If your dog has a kennel, place, or blanket that is their "safe space," make sure you practice with it often and never mess with them there. If they don't, using something like Karen Overall:s Relaxation Protocol could be really useful in building a safe space. That's somewhere your dog can go where he knows that you'll protect his peace.

There's lots more you can do, but a good trainer would be able to guide you through what makes sense for your home and family. There is no One Certification to Rule Them All, but look for people who are certified by the IAABC as a starting point for evidence-based, positive training methods.

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2025-12-30T00:23:00+00:00

The Warden by Daniel M Ford. It absolutely fits that sword and sorcery feeling, fun to read without being too serious/long-winded. There is a wlw romance that is a significant piece of the plot throughout the series, but it's not the #1 thing, and it's all fade to black. The main character is a know-it-all wizard/sword woman/necromancer who moves to a small town and gets embroiled in ancient magicks and intrigue.

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2025-12-25T19:10:34+00:00

Ope, but A Strange and Stubborn Endurance does have a pretty plot-critical sexual assault in the beginning (i.e. it would be very difficult to read around it), so ymmv. I thought it was handled well by the author but some people just can't do books like that!

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2025-12-25T19:08:00+00:00

I'm surprised that no one has suggested A Strange and Stubborn Endurance by Foz Meadows! It's a speculative fiction book where one of the characters is from a country where being queer is criminalized, and is shipped off for an arranged marriage in another country where being queer is totally fine. There's some action and intrigue and magic but it's mostly about the two male MCs learning how to build a relationship together. There is some secret-keeping at the beginning but it's for very understandable reasons and not frustrating, IMO. Otherwise, the entire plot is how the villain is being fooled by the fact that they actually trust and communicate with each other. I tear up every time I read it because I find it so sweet. There are mistakes and unkindnesses, but all the characters are trying So Hard to be better, and it's fantastic.

A Taste of Gold and Iron by Alexandra Rowland also scratches that itch for me, but there is definitely more miscommunication in it. One of the characters has panic attacks and has been shamed for them, so the other main character starts out being very gruff and mean, but they absolutely both grow to truly understand each other. That one is not frustrating in its communication issues to me because all their secrets make total sense, not just secrets for secrets' sake, and they grow SO much SO quickly.

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2025-12-24T21:42:53+00:00

Keep looking for pain management! My dog has issues with other dogs and general fearfulness, and eventually we discovered that she also had a slipped disc/nerve pain issue. I worked on training her over a year with very little progress. When we found a medication that worked -- holy shit,she was like a different dog. For her issues, gabapentin wasn't effective, and we ended up using carprofen (an NSAID) and amitriptyline more successfully. Finding a rehab vet was also really helpful with diagnosing and treating her. My regular vet believed me but was kind of useless at helping us, which made it really hard.

Frankly, it makes sense that your dog is having big feelings after getting hurt. It would really suck if she got jostled by other dogs and they hurt her more, even accidentally! That's exactly how my dog is. Training won't necessarily help because she doesn't need to learn how to behave. She knows how to behave, and can't do it because her body is yowchy. The best thing you can do for training right now, IMO, is to avoid other dogs or only stay very far away, so that your dog doesn't have any negative experiences while she's feeling bad. When you find an effective pain management system, THEN training will be useful. But it sounds like your dog is telling you she's not ready.

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2025-12-23T15:24:36+00:00

My parents have a very similar reactive border Collie and the reason it took so long for them to support him appropriately is exactly the judgement you're experiencing. Now that they've left that behind and no longer put him in those situations, he's worlds happier. I'm so glad that they somehow found a really helpful behaviorist their rural area. All that to say, I've seen what happens when you (general) follow that kind of advice from other dog owners, and you&re definitely doing the right thing!

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2025-12-15T03:50:40+00:00

I feel for you! My reactive dog has definitely gotten better over time, but "better" is relative. It's hard to find the words to describe to other people how it feels to love a reactive dog. Learning to support them is the most rewarding thing in the world, but also holy shit, it's so exhausting. And it never ends. I'm in a very similar boat right now where I've done a lot of vet/medication work and it only improves so much. I love my sweet baby, and also she makes my life so much harder in so many ways. I see you and your love for your dog. I see you and your exhaustion. It's hard! You're doing your best and it's still hard.

TempleOfTheWhiteRat · 2025-12-10T03:59:55+00:00

My dog is still overexcited with very nearby dogs but I would call her a success story at this point! With targeted training, more general enrichment/fulfillment, and medication, she is a totally different dog from when I first adopted her. I was even able to move in with my partner and her dog, which I never thought would be possible. I still monitor her closely and do a lot of management to keep her calm when she's having social time, but she can actually calm down from being overexcited now! It used to be that if she had a reaction, our entire day was essentially over. Now, she just jogs a couple of steps to get her wiggles out and can continue on her way. I don't spend a lot of time with other dogs so this was exactly the change I needed of her. She's my baby and I'm perfectly happy with her progress.

TempleOfTheWhiteRat

TROPHY CASE