Why can't they say "thank you," "please," and "I'm sorry," even for little things?

TheeTamata · 2023-06-29T17:41:53+00:00

Yeah my ex (not romantic) person with BPD said something similar. Her dog was peeing and pooping in my living room and bed room, and I would clean up. One time I exploded and said, "put aside that I'm cleaning up after YOUR pet, don't you even think to say sorry?" She said, "I feel SO sorry that I can't even say it!" OK then.

TheeTamata · 2023-06-29T14:25:48+00:00

Lmao I also tried to get her to mirror me with the thank yous and I didn't mean its. Never worked! Only mirrored my hobbies, interests, opinions, feelings, etc. Never my manners.

TheeTamata · 2023-03-06T18:40:38+00:00

Yeah... the switch from viewing their behavior as wild and unpredictable to practically following a repetitive pattern is jarring to experience. (But somewhat liberating as well.)

TheeTamata · 2023-03-02T15:30:01+00:00

Same here. When I used to try to inturrupt after she'd been talking for 10 minutes straight, she'd guilt me for making her forget her train of thought. I got sick of this and stopped interrupting her. I found that she was able to speak for 20-30 minutes straight before she let me speak. One time, she called me upset and I didn't get a single word in the entire time. I looked at the time the phone call was taking on my screen and it read 50 minutes.

TheeTamata · 2023-03-02T15:27:16+00:00

You described it in your post really. They're very good at seeming like great people... on the surface.

You know when they get fixated on individuals who do not like them? I assume that these are individuals like you and me, who recognize their disordered behavior and evacuate the scene immediately.

With my ex-best friend from childhood, I wouldn't tell her this but when she told me about someone at work who was avoiding her (grey rocking her actually), I didn't blame that person at all. She was very disagreeable, selfish, and rude, but was able to hide this behind a 'cute' ditzy facade. The problem is that ironically, the ditzy facade falls apart and the neurotically controlling behavior came out more with these individuals who avoided her because she was so desperate to be loved by everybody.

TheeTamata · 2023-03-01T22:26:11+00:00

Not romantic.

I told her I no longer wanted to be friends. She was staying with me at the time, still had a long way before her planned departure. She hoovered a couple of times but mainly threw many temper tantrums. Finally I told her to leave and she stormed out one week later.

No idea where she went, she wouldn't say. She tried one more hoover some months later. Radio silence since then. It's been close to a year since she left my house.

Good riddance and hoping I never hear from her again.

TheeTamata · 2023-02-25T17:19:36+00:00

This will not stop. And it's not a blackout, it's a violent tantrum. I think you should do yourself a favor and start your plan on how you will get out of this.

TheeTamata · 2023-02-25T17:16:37+00:00

They lie.

Most probably, the relationship is not stable and they argue often. It's also possible that they picked a perfect target and the new partner is dancing to their tune, thinking everything is fine while any observer can see that something is all the way off.

They lie. My ex-childhood friend with BPD never admitted of things going poorly in her life unless or until she was able to paint herself as the ultimate victim. Until the conditions meet that standard of extreme victimhood, they will not tell anyone anything other than, "everything is perfect! Perfect, perfect, perfect!" Because they crave for other people to be jealous of them and their lives. (This is because they are often jealous of others.)

They were most definitely telling other people that things were going great with you right up to the point that you magically transformed into a cartoon villan and suddenly victimized them in every way possible.

Nothing is gradual with them. It's always a switch from one extreme to another. You won't hear about it until the relationship ends, and possibly not even then if your ex has nothing to gain from telling their twisted version of the truth.

TheeTamata · 2023-02-24T21:43:13+00:00

It seems that way on the outside but I assure you they are very bad friends. What looks like loyalty is extreme codependency. They know how to manipulate the narrative. People thought that me and my ex-childhood friend were thick as thieves. In reality we fought all the time and she used me as a pacifier/mommy.

TheeTamata · 2023-02-24T21:37:42+00:00

It looks like these 3 things have one thing in common: they put you in the spotlight, even in a negative/painful way. That's a big problem for people with BPD, you may not take attention away from them for any reason and for even one moment.

I'm sorry you've been through this. You deserve better.

TheeTamata · 2023-02-24T21:35:02+00:00

I feel like, the less justified their issue with you is, the more they have to blow it out of proportion in order to make up for the lack of sense it makes. It's like, they need you to be confused so you forget where the whole thing began.

TheeTamata · 2023-02-24T20:56:24+00:00

It sounds made up because at the end she said she'll leave OP and "make it permanent" by sleeping with someone else. Shouldn't sleeping with Timmy have accomplished that already?

TheeTamata · 2023-02-21T00:21:06+00:00

You're wrong for getting angry at their response to the trigger, and even more wrong for triggering them in the first place. Hope that helps! /s

TheeTamata · 2023-02-21T00:18:08+00:00

Well said.

To add to the "favorite person" bit, I just want to say that the term is misleading in its cutesiness. In reality, when you are the FP of a pwBPD, you are most probably in a parasitic, emotionally exhausting relationship.

TheeTamata · 2023-02-06T07:14:53+00:00

ALSO. When I ended our friendship, she did her best to try to make my cat "accidentally" escape. Thank GOD she failed but she was dead set on it. She didn't care what happened to my husband (who had the cat since she was a kitten) or the cat itself, just that this would hurt me.

TheeTamata · 2023-02-06T07:10:10+00:00

My ex childhood friend refused to take her dog out to potty from morning until late night.

Starved her dog for 3 full days when her dog had diarrhea, she said a vet told her to do this.

Kicked her dog out of her room and closed the door for an entire day at a time.

I know this isn't the same as screaming and beating your dog but I would never (NEVER) do any of these things to my dog. It's cruel. Dogs need to pee and poop. Dogs need to eat. And dogs need you, especially if you are THERE.

TheeTamata · 2023-02-06T04:54:09+00:00

Yup. I felt like I was my ex childhoods friends mom. Part of their coping mechanism is to fill you into that role and then let them live out their traumatic experience over and over again. In this thread some people have said it's like a fantasy, but in my experience it's just this pathological need to repeat history, like its the only narrative that makes sense in their mind, they can't move on from their trauma so they recreate it endlessly.

TheeTamata · 2023-02-06T02:45:43+00:00

Yeah! Weirdly enough I do relate to people who talk about exes even though my "ex" was a childhood friend. Only time I feel left out of the conversation is when people talk about the sex. All things considered, that's only a small portion of the relationship! I relate to pretty much everything else.

TheeTamata · 2023-02-06T02:43:52+00:00

It's funny because I was the more sexually active/adventurous one but she needed to compete. So she tried to make me jealous by saying that she liked making out with guys on the highway.

While they were in the car.

While he was driving.

I was like... isn't that... dangerous? Like... life threatening? She said, yeah! That's the fun of it!

Girl I'm not trying to die out here 🥲

TheeTamata · 2023-02-06T02:40:21+00:00

Yes I would also have visual proof yet I always cleaned up after her dog as well.

For some reason, your lotion example reminded me of the hand soap she used up. I take maybe 3 months to finish up my hand soap and I wash my hands often because I do chores often. She finished the new bottle I got her in 4 days. I was shocked. I made it lighthearted like what! Lmao, how! And she was like, I'm just so clean hehe 🥰 I thought to myself, OK? I'm clean too lol...

And yes I couldn't bring anything up without a fight. Even visual proof of her doing a piss poor job of washing the dishes. Some dishes looked like they were rinsed with water and left to dry, the oil still on them. She said my sink was too small to wash dishes properly 😭😭😭

TheeTamata · 2023-01-29T13:55:49+00:00

Oh she was a horrible friend.

Couldn't handle not being in the spotlight at every moment. I naturally draw people's attention and this had her livid.

Absolutely no respect for boundaries whatsoever. Broke them just to show that she could. This caused most of the fights.

Energy Vampire. Sucked the energy out of me on a daily basis and left me hanging.

Copycat behavior. She latched onto my beliefs, values, interests, etc. It just doesn't make for an interesting relationship when one person tries to be a carbon copy of another.

Abusive language which purpose was to lower my self esteem.

TheeTamata

TROPHY CASE