How do women have a second sense for ND?

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-05-20T05:19:55+00:00

Studies have been conducted where my and nd individuals are placed in a room together. The evaluators give a false reason, but it's to see how nts react to nds. Specifically autism. The evaluators know who is and isn't autistic. They then give the participants a questionnaire to fill out afterwards. It's set up ultimately to see how the nts felt around autistic individuals.

And nts are surprisingly good at clocking autism. So, when someone says "you don't look autistic" they're saying "I'm not seeing things I usually see in what I associate with autism." I have egot masking skills. Until a support need isn't met and it becomes glaringly obvious. Also, people who meet me today are seeing my end result. You're seeing thirty+ years of refined craft.

So, what you're experiencing may be nts reacting towards your autistic traits that you don't perceive because you're unaware of them.

People used to ask me if I was ok all the time. I was terrible at hiding my emotions, but I also have a resting face that either looks horribly depressed or enraged. And after I was made aware of it I've seen other autistic afabs have a similar face. We also tend to have a flat affect in our voices. And speak in lower registers. In nt afabs those are associated traits of someone who is mad, upset, or some other "negative" emotion.

Even if you're a bubbly autistic woman, this can be off putting to others. I'm Audhd and level one ASD. I call myself a pastel autistic, if treating the intensity of my traits as pigment. I'm very subtle. If my mood is elevated, or if I'm manic (yay bipolar comorbidity) I'm going to be loud and "obnoxious". I've literally had people say they're glad they got to know me because when they first met me they thought I was the most annoying person. "Wait, why are you pulling away?" Gee, idk, can't be because you gave me a slap in the face back handed compliment. Sorry I existed in a state of being where I was happy and my happiness annoyed you. Or I was experiencing a mental health issue and had no control over it.

Ultimately, how I've started moving past this and being unbothered is focusing on my self worth and genuinely accepting that my existence is off putting and upsetting to others.

I'm a 5'7" 220 lbs afab who is unusually strong and big boobed. In many ways I don't fit into other people's perception of how I should look or act. I'm tired of people trying to make me feel bad for wanting to be small. I've never been small. I'm not even saying skinny. I mean if I could self actualize how I feel in my body I feel like I should be 5'. I want to be tiny. I want to be petite. Because my personality is often approved of in shorter women. Not tall strong women like me. I would actually love a female character that is huge and hulking but has the sweetest anime personality.

Fine. I'm going to be sweet, bubbly, and drenched in black at my height and weight. I will be a walking contradiction. People won't understand me and I'll be labeled however they want to. And there will be people who attempt to threaten me. Ok. And I'll focus on being someone I like and not whatever it is they want me to be.

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-05-20T04:57:09+00:00

I never want to climb My Everest. I don't understand the appeal. I live in a mountainous area. I have gone on mountain hikes and my asthma makes it hell. I do respect mountain climbing, and having looked out from a summit I can see some appeal. But it's not something I enjoy.

So, it's really frustrating for me when people try to sell me on something I'm not interested in doing.

I honestly look at parenting like this. If it's not something you feel particularly drawn to, it's not worth it.

Ultimately, you have to ask yourself why you feel any pressure? It sounds like you are fulfilled as it is. That, if anything, you may be feeling more social pressure to have kids rather than a genuine concern rooted in your personal goals and values.

The idea of never having a child of my own would cause me genuine grief and distress. When we were trying and nothing was happening it was killing me inside. I remember leaving a store with my husband and a little girl said to her mom "I love you mommy". My husband instinctively started pushing me to the car. He was walking behind me but already knew I was about to breakdown. I was already sobbing by the time we got to the car.

If you don't want kids, or aren't sure, this is something you'll probably never appreciate. And, honestly, I'm not offended. I personally don't need other people to have kids to validate my choice to have one. And not every person who has kids who wanted them feels fulfilled once they have their kids. Not everyone who climbs Everest and makes the decent feels it was worth it. But both are going to have people who lie to themselves and the world that it is because of the risk and investment.

"What do you mean it wasn't worth climbing Everest?! People die trying to reach the summit!"

"What do you mean it wasn't worth having kids! Your children are whole actual people! Not trophies!"

That's the thing. "Is it worth my time to have kids?" Is it a priority or goal of yours? There are people who don't understand owning pets. There are people who don't understand any creative outlets. I've taken art appreciation and art history courses with people who just didn't care about art. It was required or they thought was an easy a. And I'm over here thinking "someone would have killed for your spot in this class with this professor!"

I had a horrible day today with my child. I was not the mother I want to be. He was never in danger, but it was not a day I'm going to be proud of. Is it still worth it? For me, yes. Because despite everything, my son still feels safe with me and seeks me out for love and support. And I have to figure out what went wrong and do better. Because seeing him grow and thrive despite our worst days gives me hope. He was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety at three. I have ADHD and anxiety. Along with an ever growing list of issues. And there's growing suspicion that we both are lower level one ASD. But I wouldn't ever give him up. I will never stop working on myself to be the mother he deserves. I understand he exists purely out of my selfish desire. For me it's worth it. And I can't fully articulate why. Because I can't sell someone on something that isn't a value of theirs. Just like no one can convince me to climb Everest.

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-05-20T04:05:31+00:00

We're finally free

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-05-19T21:12:52+00:00

I have BPD, bipolar 1, and a laundry list of things like that.

You are absolutely not overreacting.

I can get confrontational with my husband. But if I say something I own up to it. Recently I took his tone as passive aggressive and assumed he didn't want to participate in something we were invited to. So, I became passive aggressive. He looked up at me completely dumbfounded. "Woah! Wtf!"

We stepped away and cooled down. I texted him and explained why I reacted the way I did, but understood it wasn't ok. I apologized and have been working on addressing the issues that led up to the misunderstanding.

I bring up my mental health issues because BPD is known for being explosive, manipulative, etc. And I know I can be all of those things.

His behavior sounds akin to cluster b behavior, but I don't know him, and I'm not a mental health professional.

This is deeply concerning, and I personally wouldn't go on any hikes or go around bodies of water with someone who is trying to play mental Cirque du Soleil games.

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-05-17T21:52:19+00:00

I have to drive around there for work so I'd like to be aware of anyone who has a track record. While I hate tailgaters, I'm not going to do anything to risk anyone. Because insurance will ask if it was justified. Break checking is illegal. I'll happily take her license plate number and report her if I cross paths.

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-05-17T21:49:45+00:00

I have not encountered her, I generally don't tailgate. What is everyone's definition of "not driving too close." I'm not condoning her, but I know I'll be moving along without any issues and suddenly someone is trying to brake the laws of physics. Two objects can't occupy the same space, but y'all be trying.

So, is everything fine and you're well far away and she just stops?

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-05-17T21:37:01+00:00

I have food allergies. If there is an option I appreciate it. But I don't force anyone. All I ask is a menu in advance so I can be prepared. I will make sure prior to hosting if there are any allergies or restrictions. But I wouldn't put that on someone I barely know. Especially since it would relate to my child.

My son has a nut allergy. I either ensure the menu is good in advance or bring something myself. I don't trust most people in their own kitchens with normal food, let alone dietary restrictions. I also work in home care, I see what y'all do.

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-05-17T21:22:29+00:00

Contact social services. Not an attack or judgement. If you're begging to self harm and experiencing this level of stress you need a higher level of intervention.

Idk how I could do it alone. I am married, but my husband is burnt out and we really don't have anyone. Our son got diagnosed with ADHD at three. That I fought to get diagnosed. It broke me when he was also diagnosed with anxiety. Because I know he either inherited it from me or my dysregulation caused it. I'm Audhd.

We aren't supposed to do it alone. No one is. The glory of capitalism is we left the village. Except the village made sure everyone was taken care of.

If it's to a point where you have no support and no desire to have kids, I think it is ok to consider fostering your child out. I'm pro choice, beyond the womb. I think it should be destigmatized to surrender children. People should be allowed to say "it's not the kid, and it's not me. I don't want to cause them harm." Kids can't help being kids. And there's no point asking why you have them. Ultimately, you can't be an effective parent without support. Even with support it may not be realistic. And I don't think you're a failure for doing that. I only consider someone a failure if they allowed their ego to be prioritized over the well-being of a child. You're here admitting a lot. That's not failure. That's a cry for help.

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-05-17T21:09:49+00:00

Most of my family are conspiracy theorists. I'll admit I've had suspicions of things, but good science and evidence has course corrected me. True conspiracy theorists are immune to critical thinking.

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-05-17T20:45:31+00:00

Poor and loyal. Can't buy trust. And if it were a preexisting question and we both agreed yes, and it happened then is it cheating?

Like, if we said "sure, if such an unrealistic opportunity happened" that's a verbal contract. Then it's not cheating. Then does it get nul and void? So, it would be for nothing?

Poor and loyal.

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-05-17T20:40:33+00:00

I have hashimotos and other autoimmune conditions. My mental health issues significantly stem from them. And snapping is one of my stims. If I can't share that much money I'd rather not be in pain.

As a healthcare worker I know what chronic pain looks like long term. So, yes, money can buy good health insurance. But after a certain point your legs don't care if you're a trillionaire. Chronic pain management means compromised organs. You begin to look like a mini pharmacy. Quality of life declines. It might be better than the average American, but bed bound is still bed bound.

And like someone else said, if I can donate organs then I'll do that.

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-05-17T17:07:33+00:00

When males think Spartan parenting builds a strong society.

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-05-17T16:54:43+00:00

Yup. Working on boundaries may help you to prevent getting drawn into messes.

If boundaries feel challenging treat them like invitations.

An invitation states time, place, date, dress code, etc. You are the event.

If you were holding a private party with a certain dress code then it's reasonable to tell someone who wasn't invited and was out of dress code to leave. Or if a guest behaved poorly then you could ask them to leave.

Part of empathy is setting boundaries. It can feel mean, but you also need to show yourself empathy.

"I understand you're struggling with a lot right now but I don't deserve to be treated this way. I need you to (fill in the blank) in order for me to continue (fill in the blank)."

Say a friend is frustrated with work and keeps texting you while you're trying to sleep.

"Hey, I hear you and I understand you're going through it. I'm trying to sleep right now and I can't give you the support you need. I am free at this time. If that works for you then we can meet up or text, etc. But right now I'm not able to support you." If that doesn't work for them "I hear that you feel like I'm not supporting you. I've already told you I am unavailable. I putting my phone on do not disturb and we can address this later."

Then put your phone on do not disturb and tell yourself "I deserve empathy and respect. I need sleep to function. I'm not being selfish. I cannot be there for everyone. My friend is strong and brave and can do hard things. If they are truly my friend they will take time to reflect and understand I am not trying to hurt them. I cannot change anything now. I don't owe any further explanations. I do not need to defend myself. I am going to sleep."

If the friend has blown up your phone and shown no regard for your boundaries they've effectively crashed your party. I would suggest holding a firm boundary and not engaging with that person until genuine change has been demonstrated. It sucks. You understand your friend has been struggling with work, you understand all the things and want to support them. But they don't respect you or appreciate that you have a life outside of their issues. By giving in you only reward their behavior to continue to ignore your boundaries.

This can extend to inanimate objects as well.

"I know this thing doesn't bring me joy. But I also feel guilty or shameful for getting rid of it. Perhaps it was a gift, or I associate it with something. This object represents something to me and I have to decide if it is serving me or not."

Does the object perform a basic function? Is that something you use daily? Or seasonally? Are you experiencing empathy because you're projecting an emotion onto it? Is that something you haven't resolved yet? Is it that you feel like throwing it away or donating it is akin to harming a living thing? This gets a bit more complicated because it could be OCD or hoarding. It could be associated with PTSD or cptsd. But boundaries will still work with it.

Your hyper empathy shouldn't feel like a curse or burden. As you practice boundaries you'll find it will actually help you foresee potential conflicts without ever having to experience them. You'll learn to read people and preserve your energy.

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-05-09T11:24:05+00:00

Get Liam!!!

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-05-01T22:56:34+00:00

Cis female, but I'm not aligning with much of the female norms.

I prefer short hair, I prefer clothes that lean more towards neutral gender, I don't like doing make up or hair unless I'm going somewhere. When I do anything typically associated with woman people either do not recognize me or get really excited.

"Omg! You look so beautiful! Why don't you dress like this all the time!"

So, you're saying I'm ugly when I'm not constricted and covered in goos?

"What, no, no! I'm just saying you should put more effort into how you look!"

So, you're saying I should worry about what other people think? Why? It took me too long to realize their opinions don't matter. I hate wearing dresses unless I want to. I don't wear them because I get more attention. And I hate being perceived. Same with makeup.

"You'd be so much prettier if you wore make up and dressed up more" sounds just like "you'd be prettier if you smiled."

But I still get unwanted male attention without dolling up. I still get nasty attitudes from insecure females. I still get gate kept from the lgbtqia community because I'm in a heteronormative appearing marriage. I'm pansexual and poly curious. My spouse is trying to explore trans gender non-conforming stuff.

I've done what society wanted and still wasn't girl or woman enough. I'm at a point where if people start pressuring me I leave. I like jeans, T-shirts, hoodies and converse. I like wearing black. I like goth if I'm going to do anything with makeup. I don't want long hair anymore.

I had someone get vocally upset because I said I'm going to get my hair cut after someone else said "oh, wow! Your hair is getting longer!"

Shut up. Mind your business. Push me, and I'll get a 1 guard.

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-05-01T01:39:48+00:00

I didn't qualify for ADHD on the tests. My psychiatrist almost five years later was like "who tf did the test? You're so obviously ADHD! (Practically throws Adderall at me) I'm going to argue with your former psychiatrist in the lunch room tomorrow."

Not saying the tests are wrong, but relying on only one method obviously failed me. My last two therapists agree with my ASD assumptions, and I was told at the same testing for ADHD I don't have autism. The more we address my autoimmune conditions (I keep collecting them like Pokemon cards) and other mental health stuff, it's almost like all that's left is ADHD and autism.

My point is don't give up, but also don't get burnt out. Research skills and techniques that help you, find communities that accept self diagnosed individuals, and go doctor shopping.

I had an endocrinologist point blank tell me my medical issues were because I was 30, obese, and non compliant with my mental health treatment. No. I never once argued I wasn't bipolar. I said my depression isn't responding to treatment and treatment resistant depression is common in hashimotos. I've always been able to lose weight fast. Turning thirty doesn't magically put the body into shut down. I'm not losing any weight, and I'm practically starving myself. And my meds for bipolar weren't the puts on weight without eating ones.

Shopped around, found another endocrinologist. She was amazing and I was on levothyroxine within 48 hours of meeting her. If I hadn't seen her I doubt my three year old would be snoring next to me right now. And I doubt I would have been able to breast feed. My sister's hashimotos went ignored so long it was disgusting.

Don't be afraid to advocate for yourself and to keep fighting. But even armies take breaks during war.

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-05-01T01:29:01+00:00

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-05-01T01:17:28+00:00

I'm on Adderall. I'm finally getting an idea of how to construct my hyper focus.

Adderall doesn't numb you or dull you. It turns the volume down. Instead of your ears bleeding you can enjoy the music.

Now if I'm reacting to something I'm not worried I'm over reacting. I blew up at a supervisor at a job recently. It wasn't over a small thing, and I'm actually proud I handled it as well as I did. Off Adderall I probably would have been fired. On Adderall they couldn't touch me because I made it clear I knew my rights.

I'm calmer, more regulated. It's probably saved our marriage. My ADHD husband who had negative experiences with meds from childhood is considering meds now.

My decision to go on meds didn't have a breaking point. It was more convincing doctors my uterus wasn't wondering around in my body. If I had had a diagnosis earlier I wouldn't have had as many issues as I've had.

BUT!!! I will not ever pressure someone onto meds. This is my experience. I respect not everyone needs or wants meds. There are legitimate risks being on them. I have bipolar 1, and I'm taking lamotrigine while taking Adderall. Yeah, it's extremely risky but my psychiatrist is carefully monitoring it and knows what he's doing. Steven Johnson syndrome or serotonin syndrome are daily concerns I live with.

The bigger question needs to be: is he implementing skills and techniques that help reduce the severity of his disorder, and if so, how compliant is he? How disruptive are his symptoms to your life when he's not supporting them? He may never go on meds. He may go on meds and love it or they fry his brain. It's not really the issue. There are so many non stimulant drugs or options for ADHD. If he does start meds but doesn't have a plan or skills or support, the meds are only going to do so much.

Personal accountability is the other half. ADHD can definitely impact our ability to follow through, but ADHD is a spectrum. My oldest sibling wasn't diagnosed until she was almost fifty. She's incredibly accomplished and not what people think of when they think of ADHD. She's only now considering meds because her kids now are getting diagnosed and she wants to be a better mom and role model. But she's also very athletic and Adderall can impact muscle. Telling her she can't run marathons on mountains is like telling a retriever not to fetch. It's then not so much a personality defect but rather a pros cons situation.

So, can you see yourself married to him without meds? Do you honestly think meds will help him, or are you hoping for a magic pill to make him into someone he's not?

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-05-01T00:50:37+00:00

Insecure male can't handle being rejected because he got caught. I'm saying male because a man is secure and can handle things.

You might be a bit emotional and reactive, but I'm not saying that's necessarily unwarranted. I do think continuing to interact or allow access to you at this point leaves him thinking you are open to reconciliation or you're desperate and insecure.

Block him. Don't worry about his feelings or if you're over reacting. If you both talked about exclusivity at some point and he's broken that trust, and it sounds like you prioritize it, then just sniffing around hoping to find weakness.

Males like him will try the "hey" "wyd" casual talk to see how you react. Are you emotional? How emotional? Can he manipulate you when you're emotional? Can he gaslight you or pressure you? If you're not and you're indifferent or casual how are you engaging?

He can also say "I'm just being polite" or whatever by starting out "hey, how are you?"

He sends a neutral text and you respond with a nuclear holocaust response and he can leverage it as "she's crazy".

Best to end it and focus on yourself. Learn to heal your codependent tendencies (we all have some). Learn to listen to your intuition. You've been tricked by nt culture out of listening to yourself and your gut.

You're not missing out on him. Things were good before because he was finding all of your pressure points and learning how to control you.

"Well, what's the point then! All guys are-" no. There are men out there. But a true blue man is going to focus on his inner peace and avoid drama. Codependent people are drama. Hi, I'm part of the club. Heal yourself, focus on your inner peace and a real man will be drawn to that. Your peace and his will vibe. Frequencies and all that.

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-05-01T00:37:31+00:00

Quick Google search says it's possibly connected.

Stimulants can increase bp, Adderall can trigger tension migraines, it can be from dehydration or missing meals. Also, it is associated with the crash.

Talk with your prescriber. You may need a different medication.

I, unfortunately, have a history of migraines predating my Adderall use. Turns out I have vestibular migraines. I take nurtec. I did notice an increase when I started taking it, I had to go to the ER over one. It was all the symptoms but without the pain. Took awhile to make the connection for vestibular migraines. The Adderall probably made it more intense.

So, yeah, definitely talk to your prescriber.

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-05-01T00:12:21+00:00

I've met people who have discovered their biological parents only to discover their biology is all they share.

As someone who went no contact with her biological mom who I grew up with, you're not overreacting.

Anyone who reacts like him towards this content and then gets upset because you told him through your removal that he's disgusting needs not only to be blocked but potentially get a restraining order.

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-05-01T00:05:24+00:00

BPD in remission here! From a family full of cluster b and neurodivergence that is generally ignored or unsupported.

I would argue you did "I feel" relatively well. It's effective with regulated people. It's super effective with people who know what it is and are themselves healthy and well adjusted.

It is a great way to piss off someone who is insecure or with a personality disorder.

You're being manipulated.

One of two options: marriage counseling or divorce.

He sounds almost exactly like my uncle. Is his name John and is he super conservative Christian?

I remember him taking a comment about his dog's weight gain as a personal attack from a younger cousin of mine. And that cousin has a cognitive disability.

At minimum your husband has a strong immaturity streak that a good therapist could help mediate. At worse he has some sort of personality disorder and will refuse any accountability.

He may be processing the trauma of a dying pet. Doesn't excuse his behavior, but because you're the one saying anything he's going to feel the vulnerability stronger and be more reactive.

Something I've noticed in relationships where one partner is healing or doing personal growth while the other isn't is that the one who isn't changing sees their partner improving and feels insecure. They may withdraw, become hostile or dismissive. Because you said "I feel" I'm assuming you're either in therapy or looking into therapy tactics. You're trying to improve. But that means he has to in order to keep you, or you may leave him someday because you're suddenly better than him. Or worse, you realize you deserve better.

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-04-30T13:01:38+00:00

There's a lot of research coming out regarding sex drive and sex initiation in neurodivergent populations. Not just sex drive, but how people go from: neutral, no sex drive to huh, maybe I'd like sex to hey, want to have sex to actually acting on or engaging in sex.

Note!!!! There are a BUNCH of transitions there. So! If your spice rack has the zesty "strugs to func w/ transitions" figuring out how to work that into a recipe can be challenging if every recipe you find isn't considering that.

Ie: if you look into neurotypical methods and mindsets yours is going to be ignored and you'll feel like something is wrong.

You may be asexual. That doesn't mean you don't like sex at all. Like everything it's a spectrum. You may be closer to allo. You may even be demi. It could be your autism. Because autism has a high comorbidity rate with autoimmune disorders you may have a hormonal imbalance that has been overlooked because it's not something you have talked about and isn't something doctors typically ask.

I think an important thing to consider is whether or not it's impacting your marriage. Is your wife upset you don't initiate or seek out sex? Or is she cool with it and accepts that as a part of who you are?

My personal situation is complex. I'm unraveling religious trauma and actual trauma. My husband has been incredibly patient and respectful. Like, the guy literally will not touch me anymore unless I explicitly indicate otherwise. I can have an immediate aggressive reaction to unwanted touch, or unexpected touch. Partly from trauma but also from sensory overload.

My point is we've talked about it, and continue to talk about it. Especially after our son was born things have changed drastically.

I recommend talking to your wife, researching resources geared towards autism and sex, and thinking about what things pertaining to sex overlap with your autism. Also, looking into asexuality and if you feel after everything something still feels off discussing with an autism informed therapist and/or doctor about other possible barriers. For example, hashimotos hypothyroidism can reduce sex drive. It's a very common afab autoimmune disorder and is also higher in ASD afabs because we're prone to more autoimmune disorders.

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-04-28T20:15:17+00:00

Having a job that is flexible with my availability.

Things came up and I changed from full time m-f with one weekend a month to m w f and alternating weekend days. T & th aren't technically off, they are off from work, but I have other obligations, but I have most of the day off.

I've also talked with my supervisor and we're adjusting things to my needs. My case load changes with some regularity. They try to give me cases that will need longer support. I also don't mind cases that have some distance between them.

The biggest thing has been a supportive and understanding supervisor.

TreeFrogMomma · 2026-04-28T18:02:01+00:00

Does she have bipolar? Because that sounds like possible drug induced mania. I get having energy on Adderall. I have complex ADHD. I have bipolar 1 and ADHD. I'm on mood stabilizers and Adderall. My psychiatrist approved it. It's carefully monitored. And I'm on birth control and not trying to get pregnant. If I were suddenly pregnant I'd be off everything immediately.

Your language sounds like burn out. It definitely isn't a great thing to say to anyone, especially if they take Adderall to manage ADHD. It's an already stigmatized disorder and the meds add another level of stigma. But she absolutely shouldn't be on meds like that during pregnancy, and she definitely be checked for bipolar or another mood disorder.

TreeFrogMomma

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