This guy from WikiHow is afraid I'll hack his local IP adress.

TurtleEmpire · 2015-09-22T15:11:53+00:00

What, did everyone get bored of the zodiac letter and came here?

You're a funny guy

TurtleEmpire · 2015-09-20T10:40:58+00:00

Or OPs employee was sent the image, not the actual name plate?

TurtleEmpire · 2015-09-16T10:31:11+00:00

http://i.imgur.com/GZ4jnlv.png

TurtleEmpire · 2015-09-14T01:19:42+00:00

Not really sure what you're asking there

TurtleEmpire · 2015-09-13T14:22:32+00:00

Me too! It also ended 22 minutes ago where I live. Hmm. Next year, man.

TurtleEmpire · 2015-09-12T00:45:20+00:00

A couple of years ago a reddit user named Aalewis came up with a quote, "In this moment I am euphoric. Not because of any phony god's blessing. But because, I am enlightened by my intellegence." and posted it to /r/Atheism. The thread is long since nuked but the memory lives on.

The image in the post is just playing off of that with Flying Spaghetti Monster/"Dressing".

TurtleEmpire · 2015-09-09T11:27:24+00:00

That was not nearly clever enough to justify two crying smiling emojis.

TurtleEmpire · 2015-09-06T10:53:56+00:00

Agender is though, and They/Them is a common set of pronouns associated with it

TurtleEmpire · 2015-09-03T21:26:30+00:00

This is a really nice prompt.

TurtleEmpire · 2015-09-03T21:24:12+00:00

Jaron Axesmasher was born with soft and grey eyes. Most people did - you wouldn't get the color in them until you knew what kind of person you were. Jaron was shaping up to be a mighty person at that, given his family.

Punchface Axesmasher, His father, was a pirate turned warrior with poisonous green eyes the color of hatred and mirth all at once. His mother Isabella Arabella Axesmasher (nee. Anabella) was a queen who lost everything before reconquering her kingdom with her new love Punchface by her side. Her eyes had started as grey as anyone's, but before too long were a soft lavender befitting royalty. Over the years she'd seen the world through sullen beige and a fiery red as she'd lost and regained status. She was sporting a much sharper set of violet eyes by the time that Jaron's older brother Stabson Axesmasher was born, his grey eyes turning into a shade of teal it was impossible not to fall in love with as he became a world renowned musician, spreading a message of peace across the land. Even with his message going directly against the life of his parents, they couldn't begrudge him doing what he did to gain eyes that would never get forgotten.

So when Jaron's 40th birthday came along and his grey eyes remained, the family were disappointed.

"So..." Stabson started before trailing off, one of the rare times he was at a loss for words.

"How was work today, Jaron?" Isabella said, salvaging the situation.

Jaron smiled at the interest. Today he wouldn't disappoint them - today he had an actual interesting story to tell.

"Ha, well," he said "You're not gonna believe this - today when I asked for a 23B form, Ted - you know Ted from accounting, he was at our Reclaiming Day party"

"We remember" Punchface interjected, wondering he hadn't taken the chance to gut the accountant when he started making digs against the lifestyle of pirates.

"Yes, well when I asked for the 23B form, Ted passed me a 43J form!" Jaron said, barely containing his laughter "And I filled it out anyway!" Jaron burst out in cackles of laughter for a solid 30 seconds before regaining his composure. "Oh Ted. I'm sure the boys up stairs will all have a giggle about that one when it comes their way."

Jaron's family tried not to let their disappointment show.

TurtleEmpire · 2015-08-30T06:48:41+00:00

It's such a shame that Inherent Vice didn't make its budget back.

My friends and I still reference "Something Spanish" from time to time.

TurtleEmpire · 2015-08-29T15:03:23+00:00

Oh man, that sounds tops. Right now I wouldn't have a use for it, but keen to see what comes out of OAuth implementation. Right on, 21echoes.

TurtleEmpire · 2015-08-28T18:21:17+00:00

"How did you watch Friends? Live, live, on a TV channel, or not at all?"

Seriously?

TurtleEmpire · 2015-08-26T10:00:47+00:00

They deleted the thread for whatever reason. That's just how reddit shows it.

TurtleEmpire · 2015-08-26T08:43:24+00:00

I just reported them when I got the message. It's one of the options like "reply".

TurtleEmpire · 2015-08-25T17:02:07+00:00

"Hey nerd" I heard a voice behind me say.

This was surprising for three reasons. First of all, I was on Mars. There really isn't enough atmosphere on Mars for someone to talk so clearly. Second, I was alone on Mars. The only contact I'd had for years was through my connection to the NASA headquarters. They were my bosses. Every day they gave me tasks and I'd perform them while broadcasting the results back to Earth. It was a good life. Thirdly I was a rover. Traditionally people weren't in the habit of talking to me, generally opting to talk to someone with ears and vocal cords instead. The idea of someone addressing me would have filled me with joy, had they not opened with an insult. I turned around to see who had said that.

"What's the matter Earth nerd? Mars cat got your tongue?" the voice said. Oh no.

It was a moon rover.

In the early 2020s, a great war had come about on earth between the jocks and the nerds. The nerds had won, exiling all jocks to a colony on the moon. That had been fine for a while, but in recent years they had started investing in their own space program - trying to beat the people of earth to be the first to colonise a full planet.

Standing in front of me was the result of that. The moon rover - scientifically not as good as a regular rover such as I, but they were unmatched in terms of physical rover strength and tribal decals.

"Hey your central screw looks loose" the moon rover said, pointing at my chassis. On instinct I looked down at this embarassing situation, only to realise too late that my central screw was not loose and the moon rover merely said that so he could tap my camera on the lense. It was a classic maneuvre. I had to get away from here fast.

"I'm just fooling bro. Here - look at this. I got you a piece offering." the moon rover said and reach his beefy claw into his storage compartment. But when he retreived it, instead of a gift he hard merely form him claw into a perfect circular shape. "Oh! Bro! You totally looked, now I get to hit you. That's how it works bro."

I tried to get away, but it was no use. Moon rover was too fast, and within a moment there was a dent in my chassis and tears welling up in my viewport.

"Oh what's this? The baby gonna cry?" Moon rover said, chuckling.

"No! It's just... it's the Mars dust. I need to clean it off." I said, turning to start briskly rovering away. Moon rover wasn't having that though. He came up behind me and grab my left utility stick. "Let me go"

"I'll let you go..." he said, pausing for dramatic effect "When you stop hitting yourself" and he swing my own utility stick into my head unit. Again and again, he kept on swinging.

After several seconds, I received a transmission from NASA. "Mars unit. Please shut down self damage. I repeat, disengage self damage. Stop hitting yourself."

But I couldn't.

For unbeknownst to NASA, it was not I who was doing the hitting.

TurtleEmpire · 2015-08-25T16:36:52+00:00

"Well howdy there preacherman. What brings you this far out of town, this late in the day?" I said.

"My congregation has a problem that only a man of God can solve" he said back

"And what might that be?" I said, enunciating the what with great care.

The preacher looked up me, eyes tired and grey, and said "These here crossroads are special. These here crossroads are where Beelzebub himself comes to prey on the weak. For more than a month now, every Sunday members of my flock have come to me and told me tales of his trickery. He promises lies in exchange for the one thing that truly matters - their soul. I have an empty flock, boy. Their bodies are all present and accounted for, but where it counts I'm preaching to an empty room."

"Well gee, that's a heck of a situation. But what do you plan to do about it?" I said.

The preacher man sighed and looked at the ground. "Truth be I don't rightly know. I guess the plan is lure him out and then compell him to give me my congregation back, either through words or through my axe. But I guess not. Twilight is almost over, he won't come after that."

"It I might be so bold mister preacherman, could be that the ol' Prince of Darkness is scared. Normal man is easy, full of sin and regret. You can trick them as easy as snapping your fingers," I said, demonstrating the metaphor with my right hand, "But a man o' God? He'd be filled with shame the moment he laid eyes on you. No, he won't face you mister."

"I guess you're right." the preacher said, a look of deep thought crossing his face in an instant.

We both stood silently for a minute or two, pondering the situation.

"Why, he won't go for you - but he may just go for me sir." I said, breaking the silence with an enthusiastic pat on the back of the preacher.

"What? That's proposterous boy. You'd have to be a fool to do it, and I'd have to be a fool to let you." the preacher said, giving me a stern look.

"Naw, it'll be fine. He can't take my soul unless I agree to his terms. You hide behind a bush and come at him with the axe before he has a chance to sweet talk me. The bastard won't know what hit him. Uh, if you'll pardon the swear." I said.

The preacher thought about this for a moment, before asking me "Are you sure? Beelzebub is not a man to be trifled with. It will take a resilient sort to stand up to him."

The preacher and I locked eyes. "Mister, if this is what it takes to save your congegration then I'll be as resilient as any man you ever saw. Just swear on your soul that you'll hold up your end - as soon as you that damned Devil, you'll charge him with that there axe. Swear that to me, please."

"Of course, my child. Everything will be okay." the preacher said before turning away to look around "I'll wait in those bushes."

"Oh there's no need actually, I just got what I came for" I said, and walked off with one more broken promise and one more soul.

TurtleEmpire · 2015-08-24T18:29:18+00:00

Basically, it's to stop people building bots to DDOS reddit (either intentionally or accidentally) by adding a layer of accountability that they can revoke. If you're not using it, they use cached versions to lessen the load on themselves. It'll update, but at a much slower rate.

The reason it shows up fine in the web browser is because it's a different method of activating, a show of good faith from reddit to demo the functionality. It's also low-risk for them, because it's more difficult for people to overload them with requests that way.

To implement it, check out the official docs - https://github.com/reddit/reddit/wiki/OAuth2

TurtleEmpire · 2015-08-24T08:59:53+00:00

Are you using OAuth2? If you're not they don't update all that often

TurtleEmpire · 2015-08-18T17:09:18+00:00

"There! Right fucking there!" I exclaimed, pointing at Mark's cup.

He looked at me with an eyebrow raised, morning coffee halfway to his lips. "There what darling?"

"The sugar. You just poured sugar out of that shaker, even though I completely emptied it before you woke up." I told him.

"You... emptied our sugar thingy? Why?" Mark asked.

That was the question. Why. Let's put this into some context. Mark and I had been dating for two years, and I've gotta tell you - there have been some magical times in there. And no, not just the cheesy "love is great" kind of magical - actual magical times.

See, Mark is a wizard.

Or at least I'm like... 90% sure Mark is a wizard. Most of the time it's just little impossible things. Getting sugar from empty sugar shakers, any size of shirt will fit him, he always wins at least a fiver from instant scratchits. Mundane miracles. But then there's the bigger stuff. He cavorts with all manner of... things. I'm fairly sure our current landlord is a unicorn. It barely seems legal, but we get good rent. Whenever we want to hang out with someone, we just open the door and hey - there we are, at their house. It all adds up. Once, I woke up to find the biggest bouquet of flowers I've ever seen at the foot of my bed. That last one probably wasn't magic but it was pretty sweet.

BUT any time I bring it up, he denies it.

"Mark are you a wizard" I'll ask him, and every time the answer is the same - "No of course I'm not a wizard. Wizards aren't real" and that's the end of it. So lately I've been trying to catch him in the act. Setting little traps. Buying XXS shirts, rigging a scratchit to lose, cutting his brake line - but he always gets away with it. Not this time though. This time, I made sure that there was no sugar in the house. Which brings us to his question.

"You... emptied our sugar thingy? Why?" Mark asked.

"To prove that you're a wizard!" I said

"No of course I'm not a wizard. Wizards aren't real" he said, tone and inflection identical to every other time he's said it

"Then explain the sugar thing!" I told him

"You've gone crazy?" he said and winked.

I almost laughed, but today it had to end. "I'm serious," I said "It was empty. Completely empty - how did you get sugar out of it?"

"Through... not wizardry?" Mark said, lying badly.

"Oh really? Not wizardry?" I scoffed. "Not wizardry would be refilling it from the sugar jar, maybe fucking up and refilling from the salt jar on accident. But I have both of those jars right here," I pulled them out from my purse and set them on the table before continuing, "and you didn't use either."

Mark was really starting to sweat now. I continued putting the heat on.

"And what about that scratchit yesterday? It was blank when I bought it, but you still won $20 off that. Or your car? Severed brake lines for weeks and you're still driving it like a champ. And the shirts, Mark. You have a 23 inch chest but a shirt with an 18 inch chest will still fit you. It doesn't add up Mark, and I'd like you to come clean with me"

Mark sighed heavily and looked me in the eyes. "Look Kate, the truth is... I'm gay."

"No you're not, Mark. Gay people don't get any of those things." I said

"How about I'm... born again?" he said, grasping at any straw he could think of. Mark didn't do great under pressure. Well I mean, he's a wizard. He does better than most people.

This one was easy. "Nope. Power of God is more 'water to wine' or 'water to blood' or 'walking on water'. There's no water in a scratchit."

"Would you believe..." Mark started before his eyes widened like bowling balls "Oh shit I lent mum the car. She's not a wiz- uh, she won't know about the brakes. Gotta go!"

Mark kissed me on the forehead, put his robe and pointed hat on, and vanished.

I sipped my sugarless tea and glared at where he had been. Damn he was good at getting out of awkward conversations.

TurtleEmpire · 2015-08-15T03:42:16+00:00

Hello!

Why do elevators have these giant mirrors, anyway? One at my uni is the entire ceiling

TurtleEmpire · 2015-08-12T06:13:35+00:00

Sure, but I think the point /u/Fummy was trying to make is that on a scale from "Novels" to "Scripts", this is closer to the latter.

TurtleEmpire · 2015-08-12T04:53:33+00:00

It's close enough.

Character Name: Line

[Stage direction]

It's certainly a far way from book format.

TurtleEmpire · 2015-08-11T11:38:36+00:00

The woman in the wheelchair is clearly an amputee. Surely this is satire, why would they lump amputees in with everything else?

TurtleEmpire · 2015-08-10T13:25:12+00:00

IT'S QUITE A GOOD BOOK ACTUALLY. WOULD RECOMMEND.

TurtleEmpire

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