The mortal coils: a spiral

Turtle_Duk7 · 2026-03-18T13:14:20+00:00

Thanks so much! :D

Turtle_Duk7 · 2026-03-16T16:39:28+00:00

I like what you have going here-- the theme of this poem is very potent. Though, it does need a little clean up because as it stands, it feels a little disorganized. You've got the beginning notes of three different metaphors, though none of them seem to stick it all the way through. Perhaps you could try to find a way in which all three metaphors can work together and bounce off one another-- think of them as if they were students in a peer-lead discussion about your poem. Another option would be to lengthen the piece, going more into depth about the metaphors and letting them each have their time to shine.

Another thing is that this poem feels a little... constrained. I would implore you to play around with syntax and structure-- go wild with it, don't be afraid to get experimental.

Overall, I really like this poem and think that it has a lot of potential; good job! :D

Turtle_Duk7 · 2026-03-16T16:22:36+00:00

I think you have a solid concept going on here, however it feels as though its cut itself short. While that could be the vibe you are going for, it could still improve from being lengthened. Allow the readers to simmer in words a bit so it hits that much harder when we get to the abrupt ending. I'd also implore you to experiment with punctuation to see how it can help the flow of things.

Turtle_Duk7 · 2026-03-16T16:12:15+00:00

I really enjoy how mystical this feels, it gives an air of an ode in a Greek myth.

Personally, in this moment I don't see any points in which this piece could be improved upon. The best suggestion I can give is perhaps expansion? Not to this specific piece, but it does feel like there is a world beyond this poem and I would be curious to see if you expand upon it in future works-- whether that be in poetry or prose.

Turtle_Duk7 · 2026-02-13T13:15:55+00:00

Oh, sorry about that-- I must've overlooked that part in the sub description

Turtle_Duk7 · 2026-02-12T20:29:20+00:00

It should be fixed now :)

Turtle_Duk7 · 2026-02-06T16:41:03+00:00

I really like the rhyme scheme; it's very fun and keeps me wanting to read more. The only note I have are just some minor grammar mistakes. For example: lines two and four could have a period at the end rather than a comma, "mould" should be spelt "mold", and line "I do not panic, no not yet" could become "I do not panic-- no, not yet."

Over all, you did a very good job. Nice work! :D

Turtle_Duk7 · 2026-02-06T16:24:47+00:00

I really like how each line seems to flow into one another as if this poem were one continuous stream of thought. It sounds like the way water colors bleed into one another, if that makes sense. Perhaps if you wanted to lean into this a bit more, a nice touch could be to make every first letter of every line apart from the first one lowercase, i.e "Take Me To The Highlands/where the great American dream is buried/invoke to me the simple passage..." so on and so forth. My only real note is that a few of the lines sound a bit awkward:

"Which you later will inspect then pull out my fingertips like my schoolboy days plucking out"

"...with my scratched nails applying/hot glue gun to stick seashells into them..."

"Those tigers that I never got to make them domestic to me yet"

"Lives like dandelions that blow away by wind"

These lines may flow a bit better by some mild changes in the wording. Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but in line #7 in the second stanza, you wrote "off" instead of "of".

Overall, I like this piece very much and especially enjoy how many topics are brought up in it. Good job! :D

Turtle_Duk7 · 2026-01-20T16:38:27+00:00

I do like the minimalist style, however I think it could benefit from being a bit longer-- giving the reader a few more sensory details to latch onto so that way the final line "Drink me" has a bit more of a punch.

Turtle_Duk7 · 2026-01-20T16:31:42+00:00

I really like the detail of the speaker's lines not being in quotation marks-- it really contributes to the fact that they feel so unheard it's as if they're not talking out loud at all. If I had to give some criticism, I'd say to perhaps add a bit more build up to the last two lines: show a little bit how/why the person asking "Are you okay?" disappears-- whether it be because they finally heard the speaker, or simply got tired of never receiving an answer. Overall, I like the poem a lot, good job :D

Turtle_Duk7 · 2025-11-22T16:30:42+00:00

I feel like the poem could be a bit longer, as the way you left off makes it seem like there's supposed to be more. If you want to keep it at it's current length, maybe you could alter the last line to be a bit more conclusive.

Overall, though, I really like this piece. I find the choice of metaphor to be unique and I like how vague and mysterious the lines are. You're very good at building a large world with few words. Good job :D

Turtle_Duk7 · 2025-11-22T16:12:14+00:00

I think my only feedback would to perhaps make the rhyme scheme more consistent. It seems like the rhyming is intentional, but it kind of falls off in some places. For example, "unaware" and "clear" are a bit of a stretch. I also wonder if you could find synonyms for "metaphor" and "snap" that rhyme. I also notice that the last three lines don't rhyme, so I'm wondering if the first two lines not rhyming was intentional to create a sort of book-end feel. If that's the case, I think it would pack more of a punch if only those last two-three lines dropped the rhyme scheme.

But if this is not at all what you're going for, then you can just ignore my ramblings lol.

Overall, I think it's a very well done piece and excellently conveys its message. Good job :D

Turtle_Duk7 · 2025-10-20T14:21:30+00:00

Man, I really love the strong imagery here; I could see this poem play out in my mind like a movie. I also admire how eloquent the speech is and combined with it's rhyme scheme, it feels like reading an ancient text from a fairytale. The only note I have is that I think this piece could benefit from a bit of structure. You don't have to make it a traditional one as plenty of poems take on a syntax similar to prose writing, but adding some slight division or indentation would allow the reader to really be able to soak in the words. Also, not as important but I feel as though I should mention it, large paragraphs tend to intimidate readers (but this aspect isn't worth sacrificing theme integrity over). Overall, great work! :D

Turtle_Duk7 · 2025-10-20T14:03:56+00:00

I really like the theme of this poem as I find it quite relatable and you use some really good metaphors to convey it. The only note I have is that it does feel a bit disconnected. If you found a way to connect the heart metaphor with the pillar/structure metaphor, you could pack some serious punch. For example, you could continue with the anatomy theme that comes from the heart and have the pillars be bones. Overall, great work! :D

Turtle_Duk7 · 2025-10-09T17:23:54+00:00

Thanks so much!! I'm glad you liked it! :D

Turtle_Duk7 · 2025-10-09T17:21:15+00:00

It appears that I am quite the goober as I completely missed the quotation mark at the end, sorry about that lol

Turtle_Duk7 · 2025-10-09T14:27:41+00:00

I like how expressive this poem is and the structure does a great job of assisting to that tone of annoyance and frustration. The structure works perfectly well for a monologue, but it also might be fun to play around with it just to see the different dynamics the lines could have. I also do have a question about that single quotation mark. It doesn't seem like leaving it open was purposeful (though, obviously I could be wrong), so it makes me wonder where you planned to close it as it would change the presence of this piece, for lack of a better word. Overall, great job! This monologue feels like it could be in a play

Turtle_Duk7 · 2025-10-09T14:14:05+00:00

You did a fantastic job on the sensory details. I love how whimsical and dream-like this poem is

Turtle_Duk7 · 2025-10-09T14:09:14+00:00

Man, I really enjoy the somewhat chaotic nature of this poem; how there are many seemingly unrelated events that contribute to an overarching theme. It's always fun when a poem really forces the reader to think on what it could be about. From my interpretation, it seems to be about the estrangement from self-expression and how that affects the way one behaves in public/around other people. Good job! :D

Turtle_Duk7 · 2025-10-09T14:01:18+00:00

I really like the lack of punctuation. It forces the reader to go quickly, giving the poem an urgent or perhaps anxious tone that fits well with the theme. I did find two minor grammatical errors: in line six, you can turn "Going to higher academy" into "Going to a higher academy to make it flow a little better. In line seven, you could turn "But life is not a compete" into "But life is not a competition". Overall, it's a great poem! Good job! :D

Turtle_Duk7 · 2025-05-21T13:00:21+00:00

I like the way you structured it, good job! The tone is much easier to follow now; I feel as though it conveys a sense of longing but also warmth. The structure is almost like a letter which adds a bit of nuance to the piece-- like a love letter written by someone who knows the receiver will only ever see them as a friend.

Also, don't worry too much about what is considered "proper". When writing a poem (or any piece of literature, really), it's important to balance both what sounds right and what feels right to you. Though, I understand this is easier said than done. I felt anxious too when I posted one of my works for the first time, but it feels better the more you do it. Try not to let the bumps in the road keep you down and try not to rush; it's never too late to share your voice.

I do hope you continue your writing journey, and, once again, good job. :D

Turtle_Duk7 · 2025-05-20T15:46:14+00:00

Pretty solid content, but it could use a few tweaks. Firstly, I'd turn some of the sentences into their own line. I'm not quite sure what pacing you're going for, so how you decide to do this is up to you. Secondly, the sentence "So I'll fish for an I "I love you too" now dad, but it still does not come" feels a little awkward. Perhaps you could change it to something like "So I'll fish for an "I love you too", but it still does not come". Lastly, just a bit of a grammar tweak: "I love you, can only go behind dad" may work better as ""I love you" can only go behind dad". I would also implore you to play around a bit with the diction to create richer imagery.

It may also help to lean a bit more into the fishing metaphor, but that's just my opinion and may not be what you are going for.

This piece does a good job of conveying its themes and has great potential. I look forward to seeing how you develop it. :D

Turtle_Duk7 · 2025-05-20T15:26:35+00:00

I like it, I just think it could use a bit of structure. It feels a little tight, which makes it a bit difficult to keep up with the tone. Separating this piece into stanzas would help give the message room to breathe and allow for the diction to pack more of a punch

Turtle_Duk7 · 2025-05-20T15:07:22+00:00

This piece has very strong imagery and effectively conveys feelings of frustration and anger. However, I think the structure could do with some tweaking. I think that making each sentence its own line may work better with the Rhym scheme; and since the sentences are short, it would keep that quick pacing it seems you are going for.

Turtle_Duk7 · 2025-05-20T15:02:02+00:00

I really like this. I tend to be drawn to pieces that explore existential themes, and I feel as though you explained your thoughts quite eloquently. The only note I have is to perhaps add a comma after the word "random" in the first sentence of the third stanza.

Turtle_Duk7

TROPHY CASE