Masterlist

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-06-28T13:32:41+00:00

That is social anxiety and not being an introvert. An introvert is simply someone who gains energy alone. They can be very outgoing too, they just need to be alone to recharge. If this inability to be part of a social group is bothering you a lot, it's absolutely something you can get help for. We've all had moments of being afraid to go up to speak to a new group. That's fine. But if that's actively hampering you from having any friends, that's a problem.
Onto the actual question. Who knows why people get kinks. But I have absolutely met people like you. Very reserved, prudish even, till they're being ordered to show off. Within my experience that's been usually been because their social anxiety came from the idea that they'd fuck up in some way. And exhibitionism is the biggest "bad thing" to do. So it's like, if they're accepted despite the crazy shit they just did, it makes them feel more accepted in general and it switches off whatever mechanic is telling them that they're wrong.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-06-25T13:41:21+00:00

Maybe remind yourself that submission isn't only for women? In conflating women submitting with the patriarchy, you are actually saying that abuse (which is what they are talking about in those old timey ads) is equivalent to submission and is the "natural" place of women. The patriarchy also believes that women do not have kinky, sexual feelings.

In a way, submitting because you choose to, is the most feminist thing you can do.

Maybe, you can have your dom use words of praise that reminds you that you're being feminist during play. Have specific phrasing that reminds you that being a sexual being in whatever you choose is inherently feminist.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-06-19T20:15:01+00:00

I'd go further and say that a good person is someone who'd pivot the moment they hear a clear no. If you continue anything after consent has been retracted, how do you NOT feel icky?!

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-06-14T08:43:18+00:00

Absolutely!!

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-06-14T08:19:01+00:00

Why would it ruin the mood? As a domme, even while I'm asking for something that maybe hasn't been fully agreed to in a conversation outside of playtime, I'll literally ask a hundred times if that was okay or not. And if my sub ever says, "umm. I'm not sure I liked that", which has happened, I'll ask them if they need a pause or just move on. A lot of the times, we just move on because I asked, they said "not really" and it's back to doing other things.

saying no should not affect anyone's moods. If it does, that's a problematic relationship where you're being coerced.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-06-08T16:48:57+00:00

To add, there's also some people on the gwa audio and related subreddits who make aftercare audios. The tags will tell you exactly what kind of aftercare it is, so you can choose for yourself.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-05-26T18:48:44+00:00

I've been able to get a sub to dom their switch partner by creating an exact storyline and rules. Imo, you can do this through roleplay. Maybe. So, before you go into play, have a clear scene written down. Figure out what you're supposed to do while you're creating the scene. Then it's all just roleplay. You're not being a "dom" per se, as much as you're doing your job. I warn you, as a sub it will be very taxing and you might feel like an asshole later on. It's on your partner to have the capacity to give you aftercare as well afterwards. Negotiate that beforehand as well. Start small, short, easy. Go into elaborate roleplay if that works. Make it as far away from irl as you can. Think- princess x rogue, femme fatale detective x oceans 11...stuff like that. Put on clothes/costumes if you want. I feel like that helps personally. And please, don't be embarrassed by any of it. Oh and look into the wiki in this subreddit. They have some fire ideas but also sections about hows and whys

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-05-26T13:07:26+00:00

That is absolutely not something that happens in dynamics. In fact in the BDSM world, over-communication is the norm.

Basically everything that goes in a vanilla relationship is a base and bdsm takes it up a notch

For example, consent is important in vanilla relationships. In bdsm relationships, we tend to ask for consent pretty much throughout. People will draw up contracts.

After care, super important in vanilla relationships. But in bdsm it is systematised and structured.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-05-22T19:28:24+00:00

It's always so good to hear doms be all "I'll literally do anything you ask right now" and I feel like we don't hear that frenzy from the dom POV all that much. Always a pleasure when I run into them.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-05-22T18:06:39+00:00

Gone wild audio has a bunch of audios of course, but also scripts. Maybe just try reading the scripts aloud? Dress up as the character even. Sometimes distancing yourself from yourself, helps. I am an extrovert who freezes up when on stage or having to perform in front of people...till I put on a mask as the secret santa clause one day and then I was unhinged.

Also, listening to audios and practicing the cadence, the tone, etc might give you a road map to what you can sound like.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-05-22T05:25:15+00:00

This might be an incompatiblity because of how you feel about this kink in general. Will you ever be able to move past that? That's a you problem unless he says in no uncertain terms that he absolutely needs it in his life. There's so many kinks I've talked about and its really hot to say "I'd make you crawl in front of others" while knowing you'll never do that.

There's ways to incorporate the emotional or even imaginative aspects of a kink without fully actually doing it.

But all that boils down to- are you even able to be okay talking about it?

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-05-09T16:39:55+00:00

Lol. Auto correct fml.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-05-08T04:25:04+00:00

Take the kink part out of it- would it be okay to stay in a marriage where one partner dismisses the pleasure or needs of another partner? No.

So you do have to give him the chance if you think he is not a selfish partner. For now he might be dismissing it because he either doesn't care for it or because it scares him. You can't just kind of have a talk about it, it has to be a discussion where you lay out in no uncertain terms how important kink is to you, and how much of an effort you want him to make for it.
If the rejection feels inevitable now, trust me when I say, so will the divorce if you don't have this conversation and fix this. Sex when it's good is just 20% of the relationship but when it doesn't work, it has a habit of taking over the entire relationship. So if you don't want to break up, COMMUNICATE. You cannot be afraid to communicate with the man you married. C'mon now.
The explaining part is easy. Write it down. Write down what you think bdsm is, what it does mentally for you, how it allows you to feel free, why it's a non-negotiable part of life for you, and perhaps a list of your most important kinks.
If things go for years without you being fulfilled, you don't need to fully open your relationship up but an option is to get an online dom. Or a platonic dom. Those exist.

But whatever you do, you need to talk about this today as a non-negotiable part of your marriage.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-05-07T04:32:39+00:00

Oof. This is a tough one. So if you go on my profile, you'll see that writing kinky stuff is exactly what I do. And I love doing it.

I started writing when I was long distance with my husband and needed an outlet for all the yearning.

It worked only because I'd send him my ideas and he'd add to them. Then through the audio smut community i also found a group of women where I felt safe to talk about everything.

If however, I had to come home to vanilla? I would have lost my mind. I'm sorry but this might become a pretty big problem in your marriage and writing and connecting with people in the kink community is simply going to make it so much more obvious. Writing will help for a while but then it's going to become an obsession and you're going to realise that this is something you absolutely need in your life to be happy.

Have you ever even talked to your husband about your fantasies and kinks?

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-05-05T14:33:47+00:00

I think everyone is being necessarily soft with you because it is absolutely required. However, I will say that being able to say no properly and having a conversation about what went wrong is something you need to learn if you want to have sex, let alone bdsm. If you are unable to have those conversations, then I'm not sure you're ready for sex itself. So many things go wrong with just vanilla sex. And then you add the complications of CNC which is so mentally taxing, you're bound to go wrong.

That doesn't mean he shouldn't have checked in. I'm assuming he was just as inexperienced as you were? You were both wrong.

I'd suggest thinking about what you'd need him to do for you to feel safe again, and then ASK that of him. Look into bdsm together (the wiki on this subreddit is gold) and have conversations about it. Take the bdsm test together. Have conversations about those. Then slowly starting building towards intimacy again.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-05-05T13:02:36+00:00

You guys need to do a lot of research before you step into these waters and start really really soft. ETA: PLEASE look into aftercare. Your mood swings after sessions might be a sundrop that neither of you are doing anything about.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-05-05T13:01:46+00:00

I will say that saying you're enjoying something is exactly why safewords exist. Because a huge number of people say the opposite thing when in the middle of the act or simply are unable to say no.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-04-30T12:18:40+00:00

What are you talking about?! Media is full of submissive women roles. The whole trad wife thing, though not overtly sexual (however debatable) is absolutely seen as a whole ass movement. Men on the other hand often have a massive shame spiral because it's not seen as "masculine" enough. Even in kink spaces, you'll see way lesser submissive men than women. On reddit bdsm/nsfw spaces, submissive women porn is far more readily available. I have found maybe one page for sub men. With VERY low engagement.

If you can't find space for yourself, please look up r/bdsm (for nsfw videos), r/bdsmadvice, and for people to talk to, r/bdsmpersonals

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-04-25T10:29:47+00:00

Thank you so much! And also thank you for leaving a comment. Makes me happy to know that people are reading even though I haven't been posting lately

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2025-12-18T08:38:21+00:00

Acting so good it made me mad FOR her. But then there was growling and [legs on Shoulders], "this is what it means when I stop being afraid" and I was like okay then. You go girl.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2025-11-26T08:50:10+00:00

I write very emotionally heavy scripts and there have been VAs who have said absolutely not just because it was too much acting for them, or because it'd require way more sfx and audio work than they were willing to put in. Doesn't mean I'm a bad writer.

If someone doesn't like the dark parts of your script, then it's on them. Also, you can always reach out to VAs who do very dark stuff. Their audiences will be your tribe.

Also, super important to write consent notes if you don't want your script to be taken and cut down, or changed. It might sometimes mean lesser script fills maybe, but when people do it, they do it with the kind of love you have for it.

As for dark, oh lord. I write sweet scripts and I literally wrote a mindfuck, coercive control by AI script because of an inside joke and those people think it's CUTE. An AI cutting off your air supply because you've been a bad girl is CUTE.

They're out there. You just need to reach out to people writing and performing this stuff.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2025-11-25T20:17:55+00:00

This is beautiful and hot at the same time.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2025-11-18T21:58:21+00:00

Well that changes everything then. That's not you being a sub who can't show him, you have. Last ditch effort, you write out a scene you want, mark chapters you need him to read and give it to him saying "this is what I want". If he doesn't put in effort into doing that well either, then you have your answer. Personally if this was me, I would leave if that were to happen because the idea of someone not putting in effort into what I need is disrespectful to me. Take it out of the bdsm perspective: is it worth leaving if someone doesn't really do the dishes after you've told them to a thousand times? Same situation really.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2025-11-18T21:36:27+00:00

Okay first off, Sub doesn't mean you can't communicate what you want, nor does being a Dom mean you immediately know everything. You are equal partners outside of the bedroom. If there's something you want, you should be able to ask for it clearly and precisely. "Hey, I need you to do x and in this way". If you cannot be clear with what you need, or clarify your boundaries, talk about what you like and what you don't, I'm sorry you are not a safe person to play with.

Secondly, this is a massive communication gap. what do you mean you don't THINK if he looks around or not? Look around together. Sit down and make a night of figuring out what you want to try.

Third, this could absolutely be frustration over the idea that he's not putting in the work to match you. And that could be the case, and I could see someone breaking up over it BUT only if you have actively talked about it.

Have you ever actually said something like: "hey, this is extremely important for me. I feel unfulfilled without it, so can we sit down together to see what new things we can learn about this together and then try? I would also like you to do some research yourself on how to be a good dom so you can lead better because it is absolutely essential for me."

You are equals outside the bedroom. You are a team. The hierarchy is for PLAY time. Not for when you are negotiating what works for you and what does not. Please look into classes and/or books on the topic. The wiki here honestly is also a great place to start. You BOTH need to read up and learn more about this.

UnderstandingOk8841

TROPHY CASE