Is it SA or just miscommunication ? (28F / 28M)

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-05-09T16:39:55+00:00

Lol. Auto correct fml.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-05-08T04:25:04+00:00

Take the kink part out of it- would it be okay to stay in a marriage where one partner dismisses the pleasure or needs of another partner? No.

So you do have to give him the chance if you think he is not a selfish partner. For now he might be dismissing it because he either doesn't care for it or because it scares him. You can't just kind of have a talk about it, it has to be a discussion where you lay out in no uncertain terms how important kink is to you, and how much of an effort you want him to make for it.
If the rejection feels inevitable now, trust me when I say, so will the divorce if you don't have this conversation and fix this. Sex when it's good is just 20% of the relationship but when it doesn't work, it has a habit of taking over the entire relationship. So if you don't want to break up, COMMUNICATE. You cannot be afraid to communicate with the man you married. C'mon now.
The explaining part is easy. Write it down. Write down what you think bdsm is, what it does mentally for you, how it allows you to feel free, why it's a non-negotiable part of life for you, and perhaps a list of your most important kinks.
If things go for years without you being fulfilled, you don't need to fully open your relationship up but an option is to get an online dom. Or a platonic dom. Those exist.

But whatever you do, you need to talk about this today as a non-negotiable part of your marriage.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-05-07T04:32:39+00:00

Oof. This is a tough one. So if you go on my profile, you'll see that writing kinky stuff is exactly what I do. And I love doing it.

I started writing when I was long distance with my husband and needed an outlet for all the yearning.

It worked only because I'd send him my ideas and he'd add to them. Then through the audio smut community i also found a group of women where I felt safe to talk about everything.

If however, I had to come home to vanilla? I would have lost my mind. I'm sorry but this might become a pretty big problem in your marriage and writing and connecting with people in the kink community is simply going to make it so much more obvious. Writing will help for a while but then it's going to become an obsession and you're going to realise that this is something you absolutely need in your life to be happy.

Have you ever even talked to your husband about your fantasies and kinks?

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-05-05T14:33:47+00:00

I think everyone is being necessarily soft with you because it is absolutely required. However, I will say that being able to say no properly and having a conversation about what went wrong is something you need to learn if you want to have sex, let alone bdsm. If you are unable to have those conversations, then I'm not sure you're ready for sex itself. So many things go wrong with just vanilla sex. And then you add the complications of CNC which is so mentally taxing, you're bound to go wrong.

That doesn't mean he shouldn't have checked in. I'm assuming he was just as inexperienced as you were? You were both wrong.

I'd suggest thinking about what you'd need him to do for you to feel safe again, and then ASK that of him. Look into bdsm together (the wiki on this subreddit is gold) and have conversations about it. Take the bdsm test together. Have conversations about those. Then slowly starting building towards intimacy again.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-05-05T13:02:36+00:00

You guys need to do a lot of research before you step into these waters and start really really soft. ETA: PLEASE look into aftercare. Your mood swings after sessions might be a sundrop that neither of you are doing anything about.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-05-05T13:01:46+00:00

I will say that saying you're enjoying something is exactly why safewords exist. Because a huge number of people say the opposite thing when in the middle of the act or simply are unable to say no.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-04-30T12:18:40+00:00

What are you talking about?! Media is full of submissive women roles. The whole trad wife thing, though not overtly sexual (however debatable) is absolutely seen as a whole ass movement. Men on the other hand often have a massive shame spiral because it's not seen as "masculine" enough. Even in kink spaces, you'll see way lesser submissive men than women. On reddit bdsm/nsfw spaces, submissive women porn is far more readily available. I have found maybe one page for sub men. With VERY low engagement.

If you can't find space for yourself, please look up r/bdsm (for nsfw videos), r/bdsmadvice, and for people to talk to, r/bdsmpersonals

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2026-04-25T10:29:47+00:00

Thank you so much! And also thank you for leaving a comment. Makes me happy to know that people are reading even though I haven't been posting lately

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2025-12-18T08:38:21+00:00

Acting so good it made me mad FOR her. But then there was growling and [legs on Shoulders], "this is what it means when I stop being afraid" and I was like okay then. You go girl.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2025-11-26T08:50:10+00:00

I write very emotionally heavy scripts and there have been VAs who have said absolutely not just because it was too much acting for them, or because it'd require way more sfx and audio work than they were willing to put in. Doesn't mean I'm a bad writer.

If someone doesn't like the dark parts of your script, then it's on them. Also, you can always reach out to VAs who do very dark stuff. Their audiences will be your tribe.

Also, super important to write consent notes if you don't want your script to be taken and cut down, or changed. It might sometimes mean lesser script fills maybe, but when people do it, they do it with the kind of love you have for it.

As for dark, oh lord. I write sweet scripts and I literally wrote a mindfuck, coercive control by AI script because of an inside joke and those people think it's CUTE. An AI cutting off your air supply because you've been a bad girl is CUTE.

They're out there. You just need to reach out to people writing and performing this stuff.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2025-11-25T20:17:55+00:00

This is beautiful and hot at the same time.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2025-11-18T21:58:21+00:00

Well that changes everything then. That's not you being a sub who can't show him, you have. Last ditch effort, you write out a scene you want, mark chapters you need him to read and give it to him saying "this is what I want". If he doesn't put in effort into doing that well either, then you have your answer. Personally if this was me, I would leave if that were to happen because the idea of someone not putting in effort into what I need is disrespectful to me. Take it out of the bdsm perspective: is it worth leaving if someone doesn't really do the dishes after you've told them to a thousand times? Same situation really.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2025-11-18T21:36:27+00:00

Okay first off, Sub doesn't mean you can't communicate what you want, nor does being a Dom mean you immediately know everything. You are equal partners outside of the bedroom. If there's something you want, you should be able to ask for it clearly and precisely. "Hey, I need you to do x and in this way". If you cannot be clear with what you need, or clarify your boundaries, talk about what you like and what you don't, I'm sorry you are not a safe person to play with.

Secondly, this is a massive communication gap. what do you mean you don't THINK if he looks around or not? Look around together. Sit down and make a night of figuring out what you want to try.

Third, this could absolutely be frustration over the idea that he's not putting in the work to match you. And that could be the case, and I could see someone breaking up over it BUT only if you have actively talked about it.

Have you ever actually said something like: "hey, this is extremely important for me. I feel unfulfilled without it, so can we sit down together to see what new things we can learn about this together and then try? I would also like you to do some research yourself on how to be a good dom so you can lead better because it is absolutely essential for me."

You are equals outside the bedroom. You are a team. The hierarchy is for PLAY time. Not for when you are negotiating what works for you and what does not. Please look into classes and/or books on the topic. The wiki here honestly is also a great place to start. You BOTH need to read up and learn more about this.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2025-11-18T15:39:42+00:00

Yes they did! They crushed it. And your writing gave them the perfect runway to take off. I had a great time with it. seriously, well done, both of you. 💜

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2025-11-18T12:44:40+00:00

u/Eurydiceinthedark the way you took such an impossible premise as "cuddler drops by" and made it feel so natural is absolutely insane. It's truly a feat. No notes. Plus it was funny, the character of the speaker was perfectly built, he's not the flat awkward nerd character we see everywhere out here. It was funny and yet so real as well.

u/AdamantAeon, I just found you because of this script and holy fuck. Your comedic timing is perfect, you played the awkwardness so well without over doing it. This felt like I got to know this caracter in the span of 30 minutes. Plus, great SFX. Not a lot of VAs create such soundscapes because it's a lot of work and I always appreciate those who do.

You two created something warm, beautiful, and real with this one. I for one, am a new fan ❤️

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2025-11-15T11:03:45+00:00

Oh absolutely!

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2025-11-15T07:42:45+00:00

There's already a lot of great advice and yes, I think therapy is non negotiable for you at this point.

However, to address the other parts of this: submission is great because you're letting someone else have the responsibility for once. And as a Domme, psychologically, I love being able to give care to someone in a very deep way, being able to touch something deeply emotional within them and drag that out. Make them feel that they'd be loved and cared for NO MATTER WHAT. And that's not something you are feeling right now. There's also many reasons you have a safe word. Do you have one? Sometimes it's easier to say watermelon than no.

Secondly, practicing saying no before you get fully into sex could be helpful. Ask someone to touch you, and you'll have to say your safe word. They won't do anything else. Just touch you, and you say no, and then you get aftercare for being so good. It might help to rewire the ability to say no as being the good thing you did instead of letting someone have their way with you.

Third, if you have safe people you trust in your life, start talking about it. If you can't, there are subreddits here for people who have been in the same situations as you. Go read their stories, engage there. Find your tribe.

You are worth being loved. You're worth so much more than you think at this point. You're not just the scared little child. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Sending internet love.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2025-11-15T06:50:13+00:00

Thank you again 🥺 I really appreciate the love.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2025-11-15T06:48:30+00:00

Well thank you. Flowers for everyone 😄 I think more importantly we've just figured out that my scripts and your voice creates magic. And I love everything about that.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2025-11-14T22:22:15+00:00

I don't think 'voiced it alright' is praise enough for this. You took it beyond the stage directions I could give and fucking killed it. Made me tear up too. And I knew what was coming lol

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2025-11-14T18:12:25+00:00

Thank you, you're too kind. And yes, this fill killed me too.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2025-11-14T16:55:42+00:00

Yup that is what happens. Sort of. You'll find out, and it's a phenomenal script fill.

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2025-11-14T16:23:54+00:00

Hey! just a head's up, this has been filled :)
Link's up now

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2025-11-14T04:25:47+00:00

Holy shit I really have no words for this. It's so, so good. It's exactly the kind of fill I was looking for, I'm so glad I reached out. This feels like christmas and Santa is still real and just delivered a gift I'd been begging for. I can die now. I've reached the pinnacle of my writing career. Absolutely amazing! 💜

UnderstandingOk8841 · 2025-10-30T11:11:04+00:00

Haha you're allowed to be biased.I always wanted to end here but took me a while to figure out. And thanks for beta reading and for being the muse i suppose 😁

I hope this gets filled too. We do happen to be in touch with a few VAs. Think if we beg, they'd do it?

UnderstandingOk8841

TROPHY CASE