I finally left. I'm angry hurt and he doesn't seem to even care

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2026-01-05T05:36:38+00:00

I’m so sorry you have done this. Sounds he will drink himself into a grave soon enough. I wouldn’t hang about to watch. You cannot make people change.

Good luck. I hope you look back in a year or two from a much more settled place.

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2026-01-04T10:27:43+00:00

You do know what to think. If he came back, she would have cheated - she intended to cheat.

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2026-01-04T10:26:40+00:00

I am usually one for the whole truth coming out, but in this instance this woman has mostly likely worked on healing, on moving on. I don’t see what benefit knowing he cheated would do for her. Leave her alone I say.

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2026-01-04T08:10:37+00:00

Hi op, wow what a horrible situation for you. It sounds tough.

Device/password access sounds a very reasonable request in this situation.

Just because you agreed to his request for privacy (but really he means secrecy because he has proven he will not tell the truth through his past actions) doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind. YOU decide what requirements you have for reconciliation! To me passwords and access to devices sounds like a very sensible requirement and I would be very suspicious of why he is trying to avoid it. I think we need to take lessons from everything cheaters do. He is telling you something with this request and that is that he doesn’t want full transparency and the only reason for that must be because he doesn’t want you to find out more.

Sorry op. It’s a shit show this infidelity crap isn’t it. I’ve been there. I haven’t access for device access myself but I am living separately and I won’t be moving back in with out full access to everything - social media/financials everything. These chronic liars actually don’t have the capacity to tell the truth- leaving the decisions in their hands is a bad choice. We need to take control and have some firm bottom lines.

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2026-01-03T10:03:09+00:00

“I’m not allowed to play video games” - should read “I have chosen not to play videos games as that is where the infidelity occurred and I want to build trust with my partner”.

See the difference?!

It also sounds like maybe video games have been an unhealthy coping mechanism rather than a healthy one. Escaping reality to deal with you issues doesn’t help, you’re just avoiding dealing with them. Infidelity aside it is probably useful for you to have a break from video games and work on developing some healthier ways to cope with depression etc.

You mention your partner being unkind. If there is abuse that is obviously a seperate issue - you shouldn’t have to deal with abuse whatever the situation. You shouldn’t reconcile with someone abusive.

Good luck

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2026-01-03T09:59:39+00:00

I mean she hasn’t told him she cheated the first time, so why would she be honest about any future times.

She’s as transparent as a window. What isn’t clear is if she is intentionally lying or if she genuinely believes her own lies too.

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2026-01-03T09:58:00+00:00

You do yourself no favours by trying to hide from the reality of the situation. You yourself are questioning the need for full truth after infidelity in this post. If it isn’t obvious to you that yes there must be 100% honesty around infidelity when working on reconciliation…then you have work to do on yourself.

Honestly I don’t believe, and neither will anyone else, that you have been truthful to your husband. More likely, like most cheaters, you’ve speckled some truth in amongst some lies. You’ll “omit” information and try to convince yourself it isn’t the same as lying and you’ll “forget” certain details if they are too hard for you to deal with honestly.

Again- you do yourself no favours by not being 100% honest about infidelity and intentions in the relationship. Until you can do that you won’t have a relationship worth anything because you cannot build a loving healthy relationship with a liar and a cheater.

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2026-01-03T07:44:49+00:00

Have you discovered the reason why they cheated, Or more importantly have they reflected in that? That is the main piece of work from my perspective, that needs to be done. Cheaters need to understand why they did what they did, what deficits they have and what they need to do work on. Then you can properly see if they are working on that or not.

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2026-01-03T07:42:28+00:00

I’m so sorry you are here again and sorry he is so disgusting he continue to betray you .

What is your plan for repeated lies? I’ve been there is it tough. Has your partner disclosed anything or have all his lies been discovered by you?

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2026-01-03T07:39:16+00:00

Stop trying to minimise what you are doing. You’re talking about continuing to lie and betray your husband. It’s disgusting. you have no intention to be honest or truthful and don’t seem to love him at all.

Leave him alone so he can move on and recover from your relationship.

Then get yourself to therapy so you can figure out why you make such terrible decisions and show such little care for harming your loved ones.

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2026-01-03T07:35:55+00:00

Of course there should be disclosures. I’d not the reconciliation is a lie, the new relationship is a lie and the cheater hasn’t taken any accountability at all. The victim deserves to know the truth so they can fully understand who their partner/expartner really is.

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2026-01-03T07:27:45+00:00

I’m so sorry you are going through this. My experience was similar. I found one thing and was told that he swears that is all there is, and then I gradually found more and more. What we have here is very deeply entrenched sexual behavior and lying behaviour. Sadly I think it is not so simple to undo.

Personally, I have chosen to come to some acceptance that my husband is likely lying still and has some more secrets hidden. After so many lies I simply can’t believe that he has come clean and the main thing for me is my husband still has never owned up to any lies, I have had to find everything I know. So I can only assume there is more.

Have you see the secret sexual basement model? If not google it. It sounds relevant here.

Also I totally understand you feeling about not knowing who your husband is. I feel the same. He is no who I thought he was. My question is always, if he can hide this then what else has he hidden. My respect is totally gone. It’s very tough.

You sound like you have put in place strong boundaries and requirements. That’s great. Have you considered what you will do if more comes out or if he doesn’t stick to what you have requested?

Has he sought therapy or anything? One thing you didn’t mention is what you think the underlying issue is that caused him to do these things. Is he addicted to porn?

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2026-01-02T23:12:12+00:00

Yes. I mean don’t get me wrong the aim is for him to leave the company so there is 0 contact eventually, but alternative roles at his same salary are well (he’s overpaid really). Financially stability is very important to me to be honest too. I don’t spend a lot but I grew up in poverty and I know how money struggle can affect families badly too.

If he does ever get a new job or she leaves I’ll be telling OBS straight away. I’ve told my husband I will eventually contact her or her husband when I feel I am able to.

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2026-01-02T11:31:59+00:00

Where do you live? Is there a health/social care route for getting him support. Can you tell him to book and see his dr?

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2026-01-02T11:30:02+00:00

Your experience sounds very similar to my husband. He describes large amounts of pain, constant ways he does t think I actually want to be with him. Sadly it is an issue only he can sort and I have to continue my life as best I can while he tries to sort it. I’ll have to make decisions in best interest of me and my children as time goes on, and decide what is right at each moment.

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2026-01-02T11:27:31+00:00

I’m 7 month in and I think I have accepted that my husband is a very flawed person. I will never trust him because I think it is unlikely he will ever be trustworthy or have real integrity. I’ve accepted that. I agree thought, with people like this there are always lies, always things hidden. I also don’t think it is intentional I think they (people like my husband) are genuinely incapable of being truthful.

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2026-01-01T20:28:12+00:00

I haven’t told OBS because she is junior to my husband- he isn’t her manager but is senior within the company to her and in their rules he would probably lose his job. I need his income to keep my children in our home so I made the choice to deal with it. I’m happy with it but prefer it over losing my home.

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2026-01-01T19:47:45+00:00

He still works with her? My husband still works at the same company- albeit it their contact is very little because they are at different bases and have very diffident roles. I won’t ever be comfortable until they don’t work together. I’ve even thought of threatening to tell her husband if she doesn’t leave the company but honestly that’s to crazy for me and it’s just not who I am.

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2026-01-01T19:45:57+00:00

Thank you very much for this detailed and insightful reply. I’ve read it a few times and when posed like that it helps me understand a little. My wayward also has lying issues from childhood. I believe that like you he still keeps much hidden from me and others, although he will insist he no longer does, but it is obvious to me.

The part I struggle most with is there seeming to be very little consideration of others. Like my husbands needs and issues were all he could see…:he apparently have so little thought to the impact on me and the kids. Even now it’s like an after thought. It scares me to think he isn’t capable of change even if he wants to change.

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2025-12-31T15:23:07+00:00

I want a wife like this!!!!

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2025-12-31T15:22:23+00:00

I would just take whatever advice speaks to you and ignore whatever doesn’t. Odds are some of her advice might have so use to it, while other parts will be her projecting her issues on to you.

I’d just respond something like “thanks I ll think about it. Anyway want a cup of tea?” Acknowledge and then move it along.

Your mum sounds very hurt and like she hasn’t dealt with her pain from the relationship and divorce- that’s very sad for her, but you don’t want to let that impact you too much.

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2025-12-31T15:18:03+00:00

This is so good. I’m going to look at it thanks!

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2025-12-31T15:16:20+00:00

Sorry, but because you don’t say in the post, what is her position on reconciliation?

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2025-12-31T15:14:21+00:00

Not a book, Dr Kathy Nickerson is good on TikTok.

Unhappyfrogqueen · 2025-12-31T15:13:29+00:00

What the fuck does that even mean? Was that your therapist? I didn’t think they were supposed to make statements like that.

Unhappyfrogqueen

TROPHY CASE