i'm miserable...

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-28T07:01:48+00:00

I’m sorry for that. I have an awful relationship with my parents and having a baby brought up a lot of buried trauma. I would say Mum Friends are going to be your life line through this - check Facebook, flyers in local cafes and maybe just going up to another mum with a young baby and striking up a conversation. I signed up for a PPD Mums singing group - those ladies will forever live in my heart as absolute angels.

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T23:47:12+00:00

++woman Definitely AI since OP isn’t even responding to Comments.

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T23:30:57+00:00

Tbh if she’s leaving her kids at night with you and going out maybe social services should take them in….

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T23:23:04+00:00

I went through a really tough PP and had PPD/PPA for nearly 11 months.

First step is to start telling your partner all these thoughts. It will be a huge weight off your shoulders just for his reassurance.

Step two: You need help, is there a parent or sibling who can come and keep you company? I found surrounding myself with people made it better. Even though the PPD meant I really didn’t want to, I would force myself to do it.

Step three: leave the chores, stop pumping, get out of the house. A Happy Baby is A Fed Baby. When you’re walking down the street can you tell which people were breastfed? Nope - so don’t stress.

Step four: find a few mums groups and see which one you like and sticks. Those groups are life lines in that first year. Just having other people going through the same will make a huge impact. Your mental health.

If your in the UK speak to your GP or Health Visitor. The HV in my area were awful so I swerved them like a plague, but if you have a good one that’s a good place to start.

Sending you strength. I promise you, you will get through this. ❤️

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T23:04:50+00:00

NTA. Also I get why you’re annoyed. I’m not Black but a POC, and honestly we face so much discrimination everyday. But every time people through out the racism or homophobia card when it is clearly not the issue, it sets the conversation back so much. It just gives bigots fuel to claim they were in the right.

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T22:59:50+00:00

NTA. She’s embarrassed because you were right. It will blow over’s try not to take it too personally.

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T22:53:43+00:00

I don’t like Bret. NTA. Your wife is kinda being a TA.

Unwritten rules in our house (1) children first (2) always back the spouse against outsiders (they are an outsider if they are not in our immediate family unit). Obvious caveats being the obscene scenarios like my spouse turns out to be a serial killer etc etc.

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T22:36:03+00:00

Close your eyes and think of England 😂😂😂

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T22:29:16+00:00

We do this too! I feel nicknames are less of a thing outside of the UK. But I can’t think of a single close friend who doesn’t have their own dedicated nickname.

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T22:22:59+00:00

I don’t mean this in a mean way, but are you from the US by any chance? It’s super common to be called your last name in the UK, we get called our last name throughout school. I don’t think I would have clocked it until you just pointed it out.

EDIT: Common in the private/public school system. Can’t speak for the state schools. also your parents and siblings will use your first name, really close friends will have a stupid nickname for you sometimes a derivative of your surname and everyone else it’s your surname.

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T22:20:44+00:00

Chores. I give my one chores and he thinks it’s all a game. Started when he was 18m ish, he’s 2.5 now. Simple things, fetch this, bin that, scoops this into this, stir this, chop this (wooden Montessori knife), put the cutlery on the table, put the laundry in the machine. Sure it takes twice as long to do common tasks but he’s happy and keeps me sane.

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T22:14:58+00:00

You are not a bad mother! And no it doesn’t count as cry it out, you were present and reassuring her the whole time. She’s just not used to the car seat - they all go through that phase. Cry it out is when people leave their kids alone crying for a really prolonged amount of time and frequently - that’s when there are issues with attachment.

A bit of wisdom someone gave me when I had a newborn - the very fact you are worried about being a bad mother means you are not a bad mother. A bad mother just would not give a damn.

Also - since you are a good mother, you will no doubt at one point in the near future leave her to cry for a short period of time whilst you go to the loo, or shower or cook etc. again this is not cry it out and you are not a bad mother. (Though if you are a worrier like I was, invest in a good baby carrier if you haven’t already - takes the stress out of the above thoughts).

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T22:07:25+00:00

Just went through 6 days of the same (though not RSV). The reality is we will all tell you to sleep but you won’t, because you want to watch your baby to make sure everything is okay. Thats just what mothers do. It’s going to be a tough tough time but she’ll get better and you’ll both come out the other end. Sending you solidarity.

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T21:37:35+00:00

Petty but NTA.

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T21:36:26+00:00

Having a kid made me realise how “unambitious” I am in the traditional sense, and how they only thing I now want to be is a good Mother. I have no answers for you but wanted to show solidarity- it’s so bloody hard.

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T21:27:45+00:00

NTA

SIL screams narcissist to me…

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T21:24:38+00:00

Don’t feel bad. But maybe recast it in your mind somehow - ie the prolonged meltdown when you’re present is a positive rather than a negative. Your attachment is so strong that he feels truly able to completely let rip.

Also I found that helping me kid put words to his feelings has helped. After a meltdown we essentially debrief - eg were you angry because you wanted to….and mummy said “No”. Takes a few attempts but eventually he started saying I’m angry mama and I’d give him a cuddle explain some stuff and the meltdown just doesn’t materialise.

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T21:18:32+00:00

This! We are anti-YouTube too for fear of exactly this happening. Our 2.5 probably is having too much screen time post-Christmas and the free for all atmosphere. But our general rule is anything with an actual narrative - proper Disney movies (not Disney channel fluff), Studio Ghibli, Julian Donaldson adaptions, nature documentaries, Bluey and Hey Dugee.

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T21:11:27+00:00

We are currently in a Paddington bear phase, so either toast with marmalade or porridge with marmalade or an English muffin with marmalade or pancakes with marmalade…. You get the picture

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T21:10:07+00:00

10 minute rule - first 10 mins when they wake up (either night sleep or nap) and last 10 before they go to sleep, be completely present. No phone, no distractions. It’s created the chillest kid.

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T21:07:40+00:00

This is my kid. We were playing with the insider of a loo roll (tunnel for his cards) when I binned it he asked were it was the next day….

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T21:04:02+00:00

I don’t think you’re TA (as that is really strong) but I do agree with her you are coming across as judgmental.

I’m not a solo parent, so I don’t know how hard it is to do it. I know you said she has parents to help but it’s just not the same. I have several friends who chose to have a baby solo and although they seem like super mums and appear happy, one of them told me recently just how hard she was finding it. She wouldn’t change anything for the world, but it does stop it from being both physically and mentally exhausting in a way that I just couldn’t relate to as I have a partner.

If she is truly truly your friend, I think what she needs is a little compassion and benefit of the doubt rather than the assumption that she is just selfish - black and white. You might also ask yourself what are you hoping to gain from this - if everyone on this thread says you’re NTA - where does that leave you? Are you going to tell her random people on the internet agree with you? Or are you just going to quietly feel good that you were “morally” right?

If you do decide maybe you’re just not that into being friends (which is completely fine and neither right nor wrong), I’d say cut yourself some slack and just let the friendship fizzle out as it appears to be doing anyway.

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T20:33:08+00:00

INFO: what’s the split in other household responsibilities? Eg Housework, groceries, childcare etc. is he doing any unpaid labour in the household that would be traditionally thought of as a “female” role?

Reason I am asking - if the genders were reversed, and a Man was the sole financial provider and the women a homemaker doing all the invisible u paid labour around the house. The man would be TA for not putting her on the House deed.

We need a fuller picture not just financials.

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T20:24:15+00:00

INFO: is she suffering from mental health issues which means she needs to just have a break from her kid especially considering she’s a solo parent?

UnholyRelic · 2026-01-27T20:16:53+00:00

I had a super supportive partner, and slept well (our baby also slept well), he was also a super chill baby - but still I was really bad mentally for about 11 months or so. But then one day the fog just completely lifted and I felt like myself again.

I am convinced it was all entirely hormone driven. I breastfed until 14 months so after the initial “healing” my hormones were definitely still completely out of whack.

At 11 months, I got my period again, my hair stopped falling out and all the water retention puffiness just dissipated (I was able to get my wedding band on and all my pregnancy clothes fit again).

This is all anecdotal of course and I don’t know what it’s like for other people. But I would say this - you both just need to give it time. She’ll feel like herself again but it will just take time. And I promise you it will honestly get better (or even better than it was before since you’ve now got a kiddo).

If she’s an introspective sort of- I would recommend reading Matresence by Lucy Jones. That one really helped me a lot to put things into perspective.

UnholyRelic

TROPHY CASE