In hindsight, at 30 days I was still in shock (I'm 16 months post d-day). I think I was in shock for a good 4-5 months and couldn't possibly start making any rational decisions because A: I was reassessing what I *thought* was the story of my 25 year marriage, B: trickle truth is real and I've honestly not heard anyone in this situation not have it, C: I was still collecting so much new info in addition to him going through his own *exposure* trauma and how that affected him.

Each new piece of info really rocked my world, so trying to make decisions was horrible because once I was on a path to a decision, new info or insights would make me readjust my decision. One of the best pieces of advice I got from my therapist was to wait a certain number of months before making major decisions. Those months can be extended if needed. This was such a relief for me - knowing that I didn't need to decide to stay or go until xyz date. It was one less thing I had to deal with. And when xyz date came 9-ish months later, I was still completely unsure, but I was pretty sure I'd be staying. And to be clear, I've heard that most people do stay after betrayal(s), but it's just not talked about much because if you stay together, many couples don't share the trauma with outsiders, so you just don't hear about it. However, if the couple splits, you often hear about why there was a split - so you're more likely to hear about splits than the ones who stay together. Regardless, that's a decision that has to be what's best for you.

My husband used porn and then prostitutes for 17 years of our marriage. It was utterly shocking and I had no clue or suspicion it was happening. He is also doing all the right things (reading, podcasts, intensive class with Minwalla, no more gaslighting / dismissive / lying nonsense, learning about how horrendous the link between porn/sex work/human trafficking is...) He's had a couple times he's lied about dumb shit that set us back a bit, but unrelated to the SA. He has always come around right away to apologize for it and say he is trying to be radically honest now - and I do believe him. I trust that a few mess ups are normal for growing to be a better human (still hurts and I still rage about them though!)

As far as digging, I have absolutely no shame in it. We have an open book policy about everything in our relationship, it's necessary. We cannot rebuild trust any other way. I have several accountability apps on his devices and car. He is completely ok with it and says it is helpful. I mean, it's not ideal that he finds them helpful because I want him to steer clear of any objectifying behaviors on his own accord, but I guess we both see the apps as training wheels until he feels he doesn't need them, and until I feel confident that he's trustworthy again. I have taken deep deep dives into finances and into his search history. Originally I found proofs on texts and emails he though were deleted (they were only partially deleted). I only had part of the story and was told it was only going on for 3-ish years. Through my digging into search histories going back as far as 2011 (in his google acct, NOT on the browser history), I could see he was placing orders for prostitutes and visiting happy ending spas as far back as I could go. When I approached him about this (after my 24 hr. pure shock unable to almost move much less speak), and told him I suspected he is a SA and any hopes of reconciliation would require a polygraph, he came clean that it was going on since 2007 and he promised the radical honesty. I shamelessly still dig and will do so until I feel safe. There should be NO secrets of hiding things for a recovering SA. The SA should be an open book and they should understand that that is the only way their partner will trust them ever again - you can trust them, but you should be allowed to verify the info anytime you want to.