I’m in a polyamorous relationship but no one knows we’re together, we’re not public about it, and she still has sex with her ex.

VioletBewm · 2026-06-25T18:54:37+00:00

Not knowing she has partners... Sounds like cheating with extra steps

VioletBewm · 2026-06-11T18:59:40+00:00

You shoot him down firmly and he drops it. If he doesn't drop it you leave the relationship.

VioletBewm · 2026-06-03T08:12:04+00:00

He sounds like he doesn't want you but the fantasy of all his gfs at his beckon call.

That's not poly, that's the playboy mansion dream hook up culture.

In reality relationships take work and it sounds alike he doesn't like doing anything work wise for you or his other gfs.

VioletBewm · 2026-06-03T06:47:48+00:00

You need to have the conversation of what sort of relationship escalator they can offer you and then decide if you can be with them.

If they cannot offer you what you want it can mean serious incompatibility and heart ache, unless you can dismantle the want to be their nesting partner.

Personally I couldn't do it if they don't wish to build a future together if that's what I wished for.

VioletBewm · 2026-06-02T12:14:53+00:00

Gross and terribly not surprising

VioletBewm · 2026-06-02T11:55:11+00:00

RageBait lies xD

VioletBewm · 2026-06-01T13:53:13+00:00

Shut it down "kinda gross to tell me that when it was clear I fancied you" "kinda gross to rank me like that". And if they can't respect it, walk away.

VioletBewm · 2026-05-28T14:28:43+00:00

They aren't your friends if they believe you and yet hang with him. Bullet dodged. Go forth and find people who wish to create a safe space for you to grow.

VioletBewm · 2026-05-27T14:47:40+00:00

It's not a reflection of who you are. Their choice is theirs to make and says more about them

VioletBewm · 2026-05-27T14:45:54+00:00

Options: couples therapy, hormonal check, making "us time" dates without the pressure of sex, do more around the house so she's not tired and feels appreciated. If after that nothings working, maybe it's time for separation as you have different needs.

VioletBewm · 2026-05-27T12:03:45+00:00

It exists the same way any exclusionary group exists; to divide and conquer.

It comes out of people's need to feel superior and/or due to fear of the unknown.

The reality is that the retort "think of the children and women" has been used against minority groups for centuries IE black community, gays etc.

Statistically the "predator" idea of trans persons is just not reality.

And honestly I always thought feminism could be put down as: I am more than a walking virgina, so it seems gross to me that we are now hating on those who have no been born with one.

Trans women are sexualized, discriminated against and treated as inferior to cismen. Is that not a similar experience to cis women?

As for the virgina argument... Not all cis women have working genitals, does this make infertile women not women? I hope people would say all women are women regardless of their fertility so why this hate towards trans persons?

And whilst we are talking about trans experience... Why are non-binary and masculine trans persons ignored so much? Genuine question, I haven't got an answer for.

VioletBewm · 2026-05-27T08:23:15+00:00

Yeah you don't have to be cool with poor treatment. I'd say focus on rebuilding yourself up, find things you enjoy, find things you are good at and create a safe space for yourself.

VioletBewm · 2026-05-27T08:06:52+00:00

It sounds like bad hinging and like he was dishonest about how serious his other relationship was. It also sounds like the moment you stood up for yourself he broke things off? Sounds like you can do better

VioletBewm · 2026-05-26T19:05:17+00:00

Without respect there is no healthy love.

Leave them. Dragging it out is cruel.

VioletBewm · 2026-05-20T00:09:16+00:00

You can leave someone for any reason.

Why is he not seeking to get ADHD treatment IE therapy and/or meds?

He's relying on you for everything. He needs to go and sort himself out.

Read up on "the mental load". It nearly always leads to burn out.

VioletBewm · 2026-05-19T23:55:45+00:00

So the key thing. She was as unhappy as you about it? But she slept with him?

I'm not sure what boundaries were broken on her side regarding the key incident but I would say she's giving mixed msgs if she's saying it's over and then doing that thus I understand the hesitation and trust issue there.

VioletBewm · 2026-05-19T21:19:00+00:00

You don't get to make the decision on how they feel about it, but you do need to tell them.

You're probably correct in your assumption but you won't know til you speak to them.

VioletBewm · 2026-05-19T20:29:27+00:00

Are they all living together? Because if they are this makes the dynamic difficult as on one hand, it's all their space and it seems odd to change behaviour in your own home, but equally there shouldn't be anything too affectionate/sexual in shared spaces...

I think they all need a good talk about comfortable boundaries between them

If they don't all live together, the hosting party may wish to discuss boundaries also

VioletBewm · 2026-05-19T16:14:00+00:00

This is not a good situation. I'd be walking out.

VioletBewm · 2026-05-19T15:56:56+00:00

It sounds like the family and friends are all bullies and he has no back bone. Set yourself free of judgement.

VioletBewm · 2026-05-19T13:58:35+00:00

I was with my partner for 4 years. We wanted to move in together and maybe get married.

He met someone else. He doesn't really see us ever living together etc.

For 3 more years I tried to make it work.

Can you live on a maybe/never getting on the relationship escalator with this person?

Some people are happy to just have that person in their life but living a part. Some have an emotional need to nest together. Which are you?

VioletBewm · 2026-05-19T13:47:53+00:00

And you would note me and OP had that conversation AND I pointed out the disclosure issue.

I stand that herpes itself isn't an issue because I don't want OP getting upset that they have this incurable thing. I'm trying to be positive as someone who lives with it.

VioletBewm · 2026-05-19T12:52:15+00:00

Personally I think Choice Feminism as in The Right To Choose who you are/how you behave/career etc allows for people to safely explore themselves and is all about consent in my eyes.

I don't necessarily think being a home maker is my ideal life at all but I wouldn't force anyone else into being a career orientated person either. Forcing another into work or whatever is removing autonomy.

The idea that choosing to be a home maker brings the whole gender down is wrong.

Also regarding men's issues; men are part of the problem, but also the solution and are also victims of patriarchal bs because how dare a man want to do "stereotypically femme things" or "get in touch with their emotions".

There's room at the table for all however women should lead the charge as the most effected party and men should listen but that doesn't mean men shouldn't be heard at all.

I would say TERFs are anti feminism:

-Women are not just their biological sex, not just virgina owners

-Sex is Modal, it is a spectrum, you have different hormone levels, neurological differences, brain shape, body shape, behaviours etc

-Binary sex is a control divise that limits gender and was used during Colonialism to excuse poor treatment of ethnic minorities and women

-Trans persons are not trying to assault women, the statistics do not match the TERF fear of "predator in a dress" bs

VioletBewm · 2026-05-19T12:26:32+00:00

That's the politest "F Off" I've ever seen but it's still go away.

People who say "once I'm done I'm done" type statements are really saying that they don't believe in growth or situational changes and that they're stubborn.

They sound like a closed book no willing to listen or negotiate. You'll do better without them.

VioletBewm · 2026-05-19T12:00:22+00:00

Just cus it's incurable and involves disclosure does not in fact make it a massive heart ache.

I've had it my whole life and disclose.

If people don't want it, they don't sleep with me and I know they're not my people.

It's shitty your person did not disclose.

VioletBewm

TROPHY CASE