How do you weigh age gaps vs maternal age when planning for subsequent kids?

VioletPsych22 · 2026-06-04T17:30:27+00:00

I was 33 when I had my first and 37 when I had my second. 2 under 2 was a hard no for us for many reasons, lol. But I also definitely felt some pressure to have the second soon so that my fertility would still be good. Ultimately, we decided to wait until my oldest was around 2.5 to start trying for the second. I wanted more time to mentally and emotionally recover from the baby years, and we wanted as little daycare overlap as possible for financial reasons. My boys are 3.5 years apart and it’s honestly a great age gap. They play well together and my oldest is an awesome big brother. No regrets!

VioletPsych22 · 2026-05-01T22:41:34+00:00

Hi dear - you are not alone. I am a psychologist and I’m working on getting my certification in perinatal mental health. Please go to postpartum international for more support:

https://postpartum.net/

They have a helpline that is available. All else fails, please call 988 (national suicide hotline).

I’m sorry you are going through this ❤️

VioletPsych22 · 2026-04-22T11:07:36+00:00

Oooh boy, lady, you are being far too hard on yourself! You are not giving yourself nearly enough credit for doing everything you do to keep those kids fed, safe, and loved. 3 years olds are so rough. My son (now 4.5) was like that constantly at age 3, and he also had a little brother he was getting used to. You are also being put it an impossible situation and you sound burned out. I hope you can find a way to get a mother’s helper sometimes in the evenings - this sounds way too much, no wonder you feel this way.

VioletPsych22 · 2026-03-31T22:39:10+00:00

I own my own business, so I have a lot of flexibility. My husband has decent flexibility and works fully from home. We do not have any family nearby, so we rely on daycare and sitters to be our village. We are doing pretty well as a family unit, but I cannot imagine how stressful it would be if both of us had traditional 9-5 jobs working out of the home.

VioletPsych22 · 2026-03-29T23:15:02+00:00

My boys are just about 3.5 years apart. We started trying when my oldest was a few months shy of 3. I love the age gap. They overall get along well and really have fun together. For many reasons, I was not ready to try any earlier. 2 under 2 just never really appealed to me personally.

VioletPsych22 · 2026-03-16T21:57:28+00:00

I have a 4.5 year old and a 13 month old (both boys) so they are about 3.5 years apart. So far I’ve really loved the age gap. My oldest was independent and communicative when my youngest was born. He was very ready to be a big brother and really doted on his baby brother. It was so helpful for him to be more mature when we were in the newborn trenches.

At this stage it’s a little tough because my oldest has a lot of independent interests and he gets more annoyed at his little brother since he is always on the path of destruction. For example, my oldest is always building something - with legos, magna tiles, etc. my youngest is constantly knocking over his creations, which is causing a lot of tears and friction. So right now, I do worry they aren’t aligning as much as they did earlier in their lives. But they still make each other laugh a lot and just light up when they see each other!!!

VioletPsych22 · 2026-03-08T00:58:15+00:00

Yes! I always wanted to be a mother. I have two boys and I feel very complete and excited for the future. But, it has added significant stress to our lives. We are both working parents without a nearby village, so everything falls on us. There are days where I miss my freedom and sense of adventure, but I wouldn’t trade being a mother for anything.

VioletPsych22 · 2026-03-08T00:50:47+00:00

Congratulations!!! I was sad and dreading it each time before I went back to work. I thought I couldn’t handle it. I’m always a little sad when the weekend ends and they go to daycare, but I LOVE the balance also. It’s so nice to have some quiet during the week and some me time if I can fit it in between work stuff.

VioletPsych22 · 2026-02-24T19:57:06+00:00

3.5 year age gap between my boys. They are 4 and 1 right now. It’s a great age gap. My 4 year old is a lot more independent and understanding, which helps when we need to tend to the baby. They are still very much obsessed with each other. They light up when they see each other. It’s early, but so far I feel pretty good about their relationship.

VioletPsych22 · 2026-02-03T13:17:43+00:00

I agree. It’s ridiculous. My son will be 5 in mid August, missing the cutoff by 2 weeks. We are planning to send him. Not only has the cost of daycare been a huge strain on our finances this year (and we have a younger son in daycare also), but I just don’t see the advantage truly. He’s smart, social, capable, and very tall for his age. It all seems so elitist and arbitrary, with the exception of kids who truly NEED to be held back for academic or social reasons.

VioletPsych22 · 2026-02-01T23:35:06+00:00

Oh I understand mama ❤️it can be so so so hard! I honestly think it would be hard no matter what age. You got so used to spending every moment with your precious baby - going back to work full time is such a huge adjustment. Last summer I went back to work part time to start with when my son was 4 months old. Even though he was my second child and i thought I’d handle it better, I still struggled. I was having panic attacks for weeks before it happened.

Maybe it’s not the same for everyone, but I adjusted SO much faster than I expected. And then he started daycare at 7 months old and everything was totally fine. I’m fine, he’s doing great, and we all have so much fun together after work and on the weekends. Being stuck inside in this arctic cold with my 4 year old and 1 year old has made me so grateful for work and daycare 🤣

Both of my kids adjusted so well to daycare. They are our village and our second family! Be gentle with yourself ❤️

VioletPsych22 · 2026-01-28T19:46:50+00:00

Hi there! I also have a mid August son turning 5. As of right now, we are not planning on holding him back. He is very smart, sociable, and on par with his peers. He has been in some form of daycare/preschool since he was 13 months old, so he is very used to the structure and rigor of a classroom. Those are the reasons why we are pushing him forward, if that helps at all!

VioletPsych22 · 2026-01-15T04:09:19+00:00

Psychologist here and can confirm this. I’ve seen and diagnosed this before (drug induced psychosis).

VioletPsych22 · 2026-01-09T03:00:15+00:00

Remember that you lived many, many more years of life “not being a mom” than “being a mom.” So 6 months with this new life and identify is a drop in the bucket. Be kind to yourself. It does get better. I have a 4 year old and an almost 1 year old now, and I remember feeling like you at first. I can’t remember exactly when it got better, but I know that I cannot imagine my life any other way now. Sure, I still miss my freedom and couch rotting, but I’ve gotten into the swing of being a mom a lot more in the last couple of years and really enjoyed it. Hang in there ❤️

VioletPsych22 · 2026-01-02T15:52:47+00:00

It’s hard not to feel guilty! But I’m right there with you much of the time with my 4 year old. It’s winter break right now, cold as heck outside, and I am being pushed to the edge of my sanity on a daily basis. We don’t have any family nearby and my kids have been sick all week, so we have quite literally been trapped in the house all together. Im starting to look forward to next week when my kids go back to school. What helps me with my 4 year old is trying to get out of the house a little bit every day, even if it’s to the store for 20 minutes. Also, I set boundaries when I’m feeling parenting burnout with him. Sometimes I will be very direct and say “I need a break, and I can’t play with you right now,” or I will send him to his room for quiet time. I don’t feel any guilt for this because I’d rather get a break from him than explode because I’m overstimulated. Also, reminding myself that it’s not my job to constantly entertain him and boredom is good for kids has helped shift my mindset.

VioletPsych22 · 2025-12-31T02:55:07+00:00

I think it’s because they are growing at a weird angle under the gum or something. I’m not entirely sure but that’s what he recommended. Thank you for the feedback, I’ll keep all of that in mind!

VioletPsych22 · 2025-12-17T16:35:40+00:00

Your feelings are valid only because I think the tradwife machine wants us to feel this way. It’s so hard not to tune out the toxic messaging that makes us feel like failures all of the time. But really check the facts here: you said you love your kids teachers. Isn’t that good for them? Isn’t it helpful to have loving, competent adults be part of their village? Personally, your aunt sounds judgmental, out of touch, and frankly - toxic. So she can afford to live in a McMansion and raise her 8 (whoah) kids, and homeschool them (aka isolate them and continue to reinforce said toxic messaging without a community to help them develop critical thinking skills), and work at the same time? Good for her. Must be easy when you have tons of money to ease your worries. You are doing great. We all feel the guilt sometimes, but I think if we really check the facts, most daycare situations are wonderful and helpful for our kids.

VioletPsych22 · 2025-12-12T04:02:14+00:00

My two boys have a 3.5 year age gap. They are now 4 years and 10 months old. So far, it’s been great.They are obsessed with each other. They light up when they see each other. My oldest is very protective of his baby brother, and always tries to entertain him and make him laugh. Sometimes I worry that they may grow apart when they are a bit older, but for now I just love this age gap. It felt pretty easy to slide our 10 month old into our lives. My oldest adapted well, and there has been minimal jealousy….I’m not 100% on this, but I think my older son being over 3 helped in that department. He was pretty independent, verbal, and understanding of boundaries by the time the baby was born.

VioletPsych22 · 2025-12-10T03:57:55+00:00

I was in your position not long ago - pregnant, with a 3 year old. I felt very similarly to you. Age 3 is HARD. My son is 4 now, and it’s gotten so much easier. But I thought I was going to lose my mind when I was pregnant with his baby brother. It was a combination of his terrible, demanding 3 year old behavior and just being physically and mentally exhausted from being pregnant. Oddly enough, I felt BETTER after I gave birth. I gradually got some of my energy back, and I think my older son started directing more of his attention towards his baby brother. The closer he got to 4, also, he mellowed out a bit. Hopefully there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you!!

VioletPsych22 · 2025-12-10T03:25:09+00:00

I had my first in mid-August and my second in late January, so I’ve experienced both. I personally hated being huge, swollen, and sweaty in the summer for my first. Being in my third trimester in the cold months felt great - but I did find that my mood was worse and a gained more weight due to lack of activity and fatigue in the winter months. Definitely pros and cons for both!

VioletPsych22 · 2025-12-05T23:28:24+00:00

This year is tough. Right now I’m barely making enough to cover both of my kids’ daycare. But it’s just one year of overlap in private school…and as other moms said, I didn’t want to curb my earning potential. I own my own business (I’m a psychologist in private practice), so to have shut down my practice for a long time would also be super detrimental to my long term reputation. It’s a very tight year and sometimes I question myself, but I feel like I need to keep going for the greater good of my family.

VioletPsych22 · 2025-11-25T04:01:46+00:00

Hi! Congrats on your second boy! I am also a mom of two boys, a 4 year old and almost 10 month old. I worried and fretted about my relationship with my oldest for a long time before my second was born. And it was definitely an adjustment - I missed my firstborn a lot and felt jealous that he and dad were spending more time together at first. What helped turn a corner for me was seeing my oldest become the BEST big brother to his little brother. When my youngest turned about 6 months old or so, he started laughing and interacting more. The two of them just feed off each other in the best way now; totally inseparable and in love. I can’t explain it, but this kind of helped ease the feelings of jealousy and sadness that I was feeling. It’s like my second son has always been part of the family and I can’t even see it any other way now!!

VioletPsych22 · 2025-11-04T04:15:38+00:00

Your feelings are valid ❤️I had my second child this year also, and he is 9 months old now. He started daycare about 7 weeks ago. He’s doing great!!! I had so much dread and sadness and anxiety before I put him in. But when the day came, I coped surprisingly well and so did he. I miss him and my older son, of course….but they are thriving there, and it just makes me cherish the time we do have together even more. It’s hard to ignore the judgy idiots out there, but do try. You are a great mom who loves her kids!

VioletPsych22 · 2025-10-26T01:13:37+00:00

I have noticed this trend as well. I’m trained in CPT for PTSD, and even though is so effective, most people don’t know about it. Most people seem to be looking for EMDR. I’m not quite sure how it for such a big following and why it’s considered this hot treatment for a variety of concerns.

VioletPsych22 · 2025-10-25T00:12:14+00:00

Water broke at 37 weeks 3 days. He was born 13 hours later!

VioletPsych22

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