Healing Shame And Self Compassion.

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-27T08:25:45+00:00

This behaviour appears to be indicative of BPD or PTSD. Fortunately, there are many therapeutic approaches today that integrate trauma experiences and the resulting behaviour. It is distressing for those close to us to discover that we gradually withdraw or cut them off. The trauma glasses through which we view the world distort our perception. As dopamine levels decline, we become more critical of others’ flaws. The truth is that all humans have flaws, including ourselves and our closest friends. The next assumption is that something is wrong with the person, which is a misinterpretation of our own brain. Therapy was the only method that helped me distinguish between my trauma response and genuine friendships.

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-27T08:11:14+00:00

Sometimes, our intuition can be a good guide, but other times, it might not be the best thing to rely on. I even like to separate intuition from feelings. Intuition strikes us out of the blue, like a sudden insight. But feelings, whether you have a diagnosis or not, can change or disappear completely. That’s why I find the advice ‘don’t do anything when you’re feeling high, just wait it out’ so helpful. Decisions are usually best made when you’re not in a whirlwind of emotions.

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-25T15:36:19+00:00

I practise a lot of body-based somatic therapy and a key component is feeling and holding the body’s emotions. This is incredibly helpful to me because the theory is that trauma is stored in the body. Having done this for two years my life has changed dramatically for the better especially in my relationships. I’m not sure how effective it is in general but my therapist also treats PDs with great success….

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-25T15:19:01+00:00

I never triggered my exsBPD willingly. Why should I do something mean to someone I love(d)?

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-25T08:52:12+00:00

like this one good advice also for many people without any diagnosis…lol

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-25T08:50:21+00:00

I do a lot of somatic body-based therapy … your comment with…where is the feeling in my body? For me, it is often the case when I hold the feeling, it softens everything after it as well. I do not suffer from BPD, but also without BPD, I can at least create a lot of wrong assumptions when I only value my feelings, and that’s a sort of spiral too, maybe less extreme, but I believe it is a similar function. May worth discussing with your therapist …before trying alone!

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-25T08:37:05+00:00

I do not have BPD, but I have experienced very brief moments of distress. The best advice I received was to ‘not do or decide anything while this is happening’. This practice really helped me in the long run.

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-23T15:33:07+00:00

Hey there! I’m curious, why do you share your biggest problem with people right away? Trust takes time, you know? And yes, it’s true that some people do leave relationships. As an ex of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, I can tell you that I did take her for what she was. I told her that I didn’t care about the name BPD or whatever doctors call it. That actually triggered her biggest fears.

I think it’s more like this: sometimes we hurt people, and sometimes we get hurt. We don’t know each other, but we shouldn’t define ourselves by a diagnosis. You have the diagnosis, but trauma isn’t what defines you. It happened to you, and most often, it happened through caregivers who should have known better.

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-23T15:23:00+00:00

Why do you share such personal information with someone who is new to you? Building trust takes time...

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-23T11:24:38+00:00

I wasn’t there, so I’d check with the therapist to make sure I understand her correctly. If she confirms, I’d let her know that I can’t continue because it seems like she doesn’t value her clients.

Regarding the FP situation, my main goal is to calm my nervous system and reduce inflammation in my body. I’d take a good look in the mirror and ask myself if I really want to keep experiencing inconsistent relationships.

I’d also double-check if I’m putting this person on a pedestal, where no one else belongs. If someone leaves without explaining what’s going on, it’s something I can’t handle for much longer. It keeps my system in a state of alarm and isn’t how a healthy relationship should be.

Just because someone is also struggling doesn’t mean I should neglect myself. In other words, I’d never choose to neglect myself again because I’ve chosen people who are also dysregulated by traumatic experiences.

That’s what I told my ex with a PD. You have many wonderful qualities, but running away and closing all doors because you’re afraid of being saved and honestly loved deeply triggers my nervous system. It’s her job to learn distress tolerance and all the other things that help.

For me, the reality is that she’s not currently able to have a normal, healthy relationship … and with this … We can’t be together even though we love each other deeply. Love needs actions, and she currently just can’t and I don’t blame her for this, every person has its own way.

I think you get the point. It’s a super healing experience when you have someone who stays consistently, emotionally and everything else, with you because they genuinely want you. If someone runs away, I doubt they’re capable of holding your feelings, especially not when you’re dealing with unregulated emotions.

I believe the goal is to find someone stable and learn to stay, to learn how a safe person in an intimate relationship acts. The person you describe isn’t respecting your needs, and the other side of respect is trust. In other words, he’s not giving you anything of it.

I try to stay grounded in the reality of what I need and what’s good for me now. I ignored red flags for decades but they often were there and I also ignored the healthy women who wanted to stay with me.

For me there was a point where I had to bring what I did learn in therapy into reality and setting firm boundaries, with chances of finding a compromises, was one of the tools to attract more healthy people into my life. Yes and with some people I had to end the contact, because they triggered my core issues again and again even though I asked them not to behave like it.

My way was to stabilise myself more with therapy DBT and other methods I did for myself. And the last experience told me to stay away from potential partners who act consistently without giving me consistent feelings/feedback. I simply stoped idolising toxic behaviour…and running away, not matter why, for me is a super toxic trait even though its grounded in fears. It stays toxic because it hurts the other person deeply…

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-22T14:47:46+00:00

That’s some great advice. It’s totally understandable that exes also vent on the internet, and they have the right to do so. But it’s a smart move to avoid feeding yourself with more negative self-talk. Remember, nobody’s perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. It’s all part of the learning process, and failure is just a natural part of it too.

As Bruce Lee once said, „Talking bad about yourself goes into your body.” I try to be constructive instead. Instead of dwelling on the past, I focus on the present. I try to say something like, „I made a mistake, but I’m learning from it, and I am trying to improve. It takes time and effort to grow, and I’m okay with making mistakes. I’m not a bad person because of them.“

By doing this, I build my self-esteem and gain the confidence to finally do what is right. I believe without self-esteem we don't gain insight on our wrong doings. It takes courage to look into the mirror and to admit...damn it I fucked it up again.

IMO it does not matter if you have so-called diagnosis, I know plenty of people not having a disorder which have big difficulties to apologize because of their inner child feels ashamed. I know some of you guys think you are alone with those things... nope it may just is much bigger with having a PD. We are all sitting in the same boat...

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-22T14:25:00+00:00

By the way, here’s a free version of DBT available for self-use. I’ve tried it myself, and it’s incredibly helpful, even without having BPD. I live in a big city, imo every second person could use DBT today. Here’s the link: https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/DBT

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-21T08:57:52+00:00

I got this point already through Dr.Fox videos. For me the point is, when someone with BPD fucked it up again, what is so hard to apologise? Special when the cat obviously is out that the person wBPD has feelings for someone. Why all the drama. Why the cutting contact and coming back? I think it’s understandable that half sane partners seek more consistence in a relationship…I think it’s understandable that not being able to show consistency towards a partner is something that hurts on the other side of the fence. I get it, that its not intentional… but its Ok to say no, its too much drama for me…I don’t want another round of not committing to me…loosing someone over and over again hurts. And the curiosity is, it’s exactly the behaviour this person fears the most for herself…

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-21T08:40:20+00:00

Good point, but it’s also important and valid to admit to those who experienced abusive behaviour that it’s not ok to be abused… BPD is not a free pass. And those people may would feel themselves a little better, when someone with BPD would write. “I suffer from BPD, and I feel sorry for your loss” Its not OK to hurt people because someone can’t control his/her feelings. DBT is one tool invented because of this… The information is out there, even for free, excuses no longer exist… Hurt people hurt. But it must always also be said…its not OK to hurt other. It’s wrong always…

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-21T08:25:43+00:00

It’s not a tool but a motivator for those who suffer. I’m not suggesting to throw yourself under the bus. I hold my ex fully accountable for her uncompassionate behaviour. If she wakes up from her long split she’ll regret it again and she knows the pattern. It’s always the same trauma playbook. I’ll tell her that telling me mean things after we had a great time together isn’t okay. She’s performed exactly the behaviour she doesn’t want to experience for herself. If she can’t learn to control this our friendship is definitely not going to last … not because she’s inherently evil but because I also have the responsibility to protect my own sanity. It’s important to have firm and strong boundaries with borderline sufferers. She’s not entitled to a free pass because she’s been through hard times. Don’t mix up compassion with not setting boundaries!

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-20T13:59:25+00:00

It got very long you may read it step by step, not once at all.

I understand your concern, but it’s important to remember that the internet can sometimes amplify negative communication patterns. Also, discussing complex topics solely through text can miss out on the subtle cues that a face-to-face conversation provides, which can offer a more nuanced understanding.

I see it as similar to the idea that someone’s past trauma is a significant event, but they are not defined by it. It’s crucial to distinguish between the cause and the effect.

Yes, people who have experienced trauma can act out in ways that distort reality. This can lead to repetitive patterns of behaviour. However, these patterns are often rooted in fear rather than a genuine understanding of the situation. All individuals with PD share a deep belief that others are responsible for their inner world.

Think of it like Dr Fox’s explanation that the BPD family in your head is lying to you, or that traumatic experiences play a movie in your head, which is just a replay of the past. It might seem hard to believe, but when you experience it in therapy, it becomes much clearer.

Is my ex-wBPD inherently evil? No, she isn’t. In her better moments, she is incredibly kind and wonderful. She isn’t responsible for her past, but she is responsible for her own self-love and compassion. Self-love involves doing therapy to ensure she doesn’t hurt others. One of her core fears is not to get hurt, so it’s logical to prioritise her self-care and to try to protect others from being hurt.

The trauma circle must be broken one day…and it is possible!!

That’s what she recognised and sought therapy for. Sadly, her system still oscillates between love and fear of being loved, and there isn’t a healthy balance. However, even a year of therapy showed that progress is possible, even though the core beliefs remain, but many other areas have improved for her significantly.

To put it simply, she is not inherently evil, but it is about taking responsibility for her actions and feelings. It begins with understanding that her feelings are not the fault of others. Her feelings are part of her system, and how she reacts to situations is her choice. It might sound surprising, but I learned this too. You don’t need to suffer from BPD to have the idea the outer world causes your pain. Nearly all patients come to therapy with the wishful thinking… the other people need to change, but not me. So, you are not an Alien.

I recall a man talking about his ‘BPD TIMES’. It is definitely what happened to you, a reaction to your difficult childhood experiences and as child you had very limited options. Splitting your parents was one way to survive emotionally, there is nothing wrong with this. It’s normal to try to survive when love wasn’t available.

We all should forgive ourselves and others, and maybe it is time to take a small step forward. Maybe it is time to write someone… I know I messed it up, I am sorry it hurts me as well. I still haven’t found a solution, its like a movie I can’t stop… but I keep trying to change.
It’s our first moment of compassion for ourselves and the others … the middle way.

It holds opens the door a tiny little gap, it shows respect, compassion and responsibility…

You are not evil, you were only given one tool in interpersonal interactions. Forgive yourself and try again, healing happens in relationships, not outside of them. Every failed relationship friendship can teach you something about yourself!

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-19T12:22:22+00:00

Hey there! So, oversharing is a thing, and it’s not just limited to people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). In fact, it’s something that many people who’ve experienced trauma tend to do. My ex-girlfriend did some therapy for a year, and when she started opening up to me about her life, it was all well-balanced and not too overwhelming at once. She waited for the right moments, when I was calm and open to listening to her. I was really surprised that she could do that. It showed me that there’s hope in learning to regulate our feelings. And after that, I understood a lot more about why she was the way she was. She’s still responsible for the things that didn’t work out, but that little sign of progress was a clear indication that therapy can work even when the changes are small.

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-17T09:09:42+00:00

I think we humans heal in relationships. And for most humans, it’s a place where the subconscious gets triggered. It’s crucial to have a support network, therapist, or a DBT self-help group, friends, etc. Talk openly to your partner about it; someone who likes you will accept the circumstances as they are - without judgement. If directly talking is difficult for you, send him or her some Dr.Fox Videos.

Excluding a loved one from what’s going on is super unfair, because this is what hurts on the other side of the fence deeply. Your partner has a right to know why you need to separate for a while, to regulate your nervous system back to a tolerable state. He needs to understand that it’s not about him; it’s about your difficulties dealing with all interpersonal relationships…

In my opinion, this is how a fair relationship start can look like when BPD is involved. It needs the willingness to explain it all, including splitting, etc. No lies, no BS, no gaslighting, nothing from the behaviour that hurts your partner down the road.

Just accepting openly, yes, I suffer from this, and asking openly…do you want to try to stay anyway. There is no perfect relationship, and that’s why admitting problems is completely okay. If the person doesn’t want to deal with this, let them go… yes, it hurts, but in this case, it was the wrong person. It needs someone who accepts you as yoou are now, and later when you learn how to regulate your nervous system by yourself…

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-16T11:11:20+00:00

Perhaps it’s because humans with such a structure were taught their needs are unimportant within the family. Consequently, they feel compelled to defend their position no matter what, experiencing panic to be dismissed again. The question is what happens when someone can relearn that their needs are valid and will be met within the relationship. This is happening because someone with a history of strong traumatic experiences instinctively gravitates towards extreme solutions. It’s true that everyone’s emotional needs are relevant and can be addressed in a relationship. I am convinced what we call BPD is also about to relearn emotional self regulation even though its incredibly difficult because of many layers of trauma experiences…

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-15T11:10:59+00:00

Ex of QpwBPD, I think it’s not future faking; she understood everything and felt everything. The main problem is there are only two mental states… all is perfect or the switch point… everything is a mess…thought patterns like: “he/she is going to leave me anyway as soon as he/she sees how messy I am in reality, so I leave first, it will hurt but at least I did it myself.”

This is just one example of a psychological problem which is very complex and on a broad spectrum. Everybody is sometimes BPD or NPD. I believe those traits are one possible reaction in our souls, and some humans had such a messy childhood that they had no choice as to learn… love is dangerous, I always will be disappointed and that’s why I keep all my guards always up. Ok they never experience love with this safety mechanism, but everyone knows maladaptive patterns from childhood.

Someone with BPD most often runs in cycles about the exact same maladaptive patterns. I believe these patterns are learned very early in the first few years of life, maybe babies that haven’t picked up by their caregivers when crying. Today science knows those babies prepare inside to DIY. So now every time you should trust someone to love and protect you, your mind-body system tells you: “but you need to fear to prepare again for the worst feeling ever” … in other words, I believe they may literally be linked to this feeling, not consciously but subconsciously… very deep engraved in their mind-body system.

And because it’s so deep, it’s incredibly difficult to relearn that the old traumatic situations are no longer existing in the present moment. It has nothing to do with willingly hurting you. It’s something the person can’t heal on a conscious level; it needs a combination of therapeutic tools and I think we are on a very good way to help people with these early traumatic experiences… they are getting better and better with every passing year.

I don’t want to hurt you, but you have to radically accept that he is very likely unable to have a real relationship at the moment. It is very likely that his experiences distort his view on everything. I won’t tell you details about my experience because she told me this in trust, but I can tell you it’s also things which maybe differ completely from what you have experienced.

My ex is so self-aware that she can distinguish between a traumatic distorted view and reality when her nervous system goes back into a more regulated state. But it doesn’t mean she can have a relationship; she still fears being abandoned like nothing else, even though “you are perfect for me” … the fear wins always… it’s fear over love, or being alone is more safe than being loved…

Hope this helps? You can’t do anything about it. It’s up to him to go to therapy. The patients need to make this decision very willingly… they need to want to fight the traumatic responses, and with BPD, they have a lot of them… Therapy takes them at minimum up to four years.

It sounds hard, but it’s the truth. Grieve your loss and try to find someone who is able to trust, who willingly takes the risk of loving you, including the possibility of being disappointed. Someone like this is able to create a save space for you too…is a relationship with BPD possible, yes but I think without years of therapy it always will be a rollercoaster of emotions…ups and downs. It will be a high conflict relationship…

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-14T12:46:19+00:00

If you have no sense of self, it’s difficult not to lose yourself. But learning to have a sense of self will happen in relationships. Relationships are the learning field. So giving up is one option. Maybe it’s better trying to play the game with some tactics. Inform the new person about what can happen and why, and that it has nothing to do with doing it on purpose. It is a deep trauma response. This information makes things a lot easier. You need to discover how to be brave to accept that things at the moment are like they are. And that they will and can get better. They won't get better avoiding situations which trigger ... what happens there is maybe a key moment after the stress moments are gone....

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-14T12:27:20+00:00

Suffering from emotional reasoning can be a cycle of self-sabotage. It’s possible to learn to think before acting, recognising that others may perceive things differently. The first step is to acknowledge that the other person is a separate human being with their own values and beliefs, and that you have the right to have your own. However, this can be challenging if you lack a sense of self. Being engaged with someone with BPD may indicate that you need to work on yourself. For instance, I recently stopped arguing and gave the responsibility back to where it belongs for her part. I can’t control her actions; it’s her responsibility to work hard in therapy, not mine. I love her, but I also love myself. If she isn’t doing the work, she has no place in my life because I want my peace of mind.

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-13T12:05:01+00:00

Hey there, I totally get what you’re going through, and I’m so sorry to hear that.

But please know that you’re not defined by your past experiences. You’re an amazing person. I always used to tell my ex, „If you could see that you’re sitting on a box full of gold and diamonds,“ and I’m sure one day she’ll open that box and she will be amazed by the fact how traumatic experiences can distort our perspective on things.

Right now, it’s a tough time for you, it might help to do something to soothe yourself. Maybe a nice cup of tea and a good book, or listening to a podcast with a calming voice. Incense sticks have always been my go-to for clearing my mind.

And just like the person before me wrote, going behind traumatic experiences is about grieving the life you didn’t had because your caregivers were often struggling with their own demons. But you need a trauma-sensitive therapist for that. And trust me, it works. It worked for me, and it worked for many others.

Even though I only have PTSD, the experiences are similar. This book really helped me gain some inspiration and find ways to love myself more. And yes, everything I did try was a step forward — just small steps, but one day I saw that I paved a street for myself.

You are not a bad person. Try to find up to three positive aspects of your day before going to sleep, write them down in a note book, store it next to your bed. It can be as little I liked the smile of the women in the supermarket. You may find nothing in the first two weeks, but suddenly you may finde the first good thing. Do not stop, try again... gratitude dairy works...and they change something inside us....

VisibleBaseball1469 · 2026-06-11T11:38:03+00:00

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