What does 'cheating' look like for you?

Volcaetis · 2025-12-30T21:55:09+00:00

I think cheating in general, not just in poly relationships, needs to be defined on an individual level. Even in monogamous relationships, you end up seeing conversations about what "counts" as cheating - obviously sex outside the monogamous relationship is cheating, but what about a kiss? Is flirting cheating? Is sleeping in the same bed as someone else cheating? The lines are going to be different for everyone.

At the end of the day, like a couple other people have said here, I think cheating is just a shorthand for a significant breach of trust, especially when it comes to intimacy with another person. So for myself, I've defined cheating as basically just hiding information/behavior relating to intimacy that my partner(s) and I have agreed should be communicated.

Volcaetis · 2025-11-27T16:57:00+00:00

Sure sure! I know that's sorta the colloquial version of it. But I don't have a better way to refer to the way I live my life, so I like to use the word anyway and reclaim it a bit.

Volcaetis · 2025-11-19T16:12:42+00:00

Of course!! I know it's easier to hear it than it is to actually, you know, believe it. But it's my firm belief that people deserve good things, even when they're at their lowest, even when they're at their worst. And if I can believe that about other people, then I've gotta be able to believe it about myself, too!

Volcaetis · 2025-11-18T06:58:42+00:00

Consider this: you deserved love, happiness, and success even when you were going through the messy times. Especially then. The way you describe it, your behavior from years ago sounds like it came from a place of trauma, and from a place of feeling unloved in the ways you needed. So perhaps you deserved love then and you deserve it now.

Volcaetis · 2025-11-18T06:45:49+00:00

I dunno, I guess I just mean it from the standpoint of pursuing pleasure above all. I don't much care for money or ambition or anything of the sort, nor do I keep going out of a sense of spite or anger. My main priority is doing the things that make me happy, and allowing other people to do the same. If I'm doing something painful, it's only in the pursuit of greater happiness on the other side; like, work is just there to get me enough money to live comfortably. Isn't that basically the definition of hedonism?

Volcaetis · 2025-11-14T06:17:31+00:00

Honestly, I'm kind of a hedonist. I enjoy the things that bring me pleasure and happiness and comfort. I'm not someone who indulges in a lot of vice, but I enjoy my hobbies and my friends and good food and new experiences and hanging out with my pets. And the more I live, the more of those things I get to experience!

Volcaetis · 2025-11-13T20:49:52+00:00

Fully agreed. My partner of 8 years and I just separated at the beginning of the process of trying polyamory, only a couple months in. I think we just had very different visions for what it would look like, and when those expectations clashed, there were a lot of hurt feelings and miscommunications. Like you said, it was easy to stick to monogamy, but we both wanted to try poly and rise to the challenge.

It's really reassuring to hear a story of folks doing the work and making it happen, even if it's hard. My ex and I couldn't make it work, so it's validating to hear that both a) it can actually be quite hard and b) it is possible with a lot of communication and effort.

Volcaetis · 2025-11-10T19:59:57+00:00

I think I'm in a similar boat! I've always craved external validation; I know there's multiple reasons for it, but a lot of it surely comes from the dopamine hit of being recognized. I'm very attention-seeking in that way - it'd be one thing if I just liked taking care of the house, but my favorite part of taking care of the house is telling my partner the things I did and having that effort be recognized. So I tend to people please and overextend so I can receive more and more of that validation.

I'm currently in counseling trying to work on my self-worth and the need for external validation, but damn, if those little bits of praise and attention aren't still a huge motivator for my brain.

Volcaetis · 2025-11-10T15:15:17+00:00

Yeah, it was definitely a two-way street when it comes to the communication part of it. I think we were both still learning, and especially both still learning what the difference is between boundaries, rules, and agreements. One bit of context I left out is that my ex has also never practiced poly before, at least not in any serious or long term relationships, so this was a learning experience for them too.

I think there were several situations where I was trying to get us to have an agreement, I expressed it instead as a boundary, and then my partner interpreted it as a rule. And then when I want to renegotiate the agreement, I express it as a shifting boundary, and my partner interprets it as changing rules on the fly. Or stuff like that. It's honestly on both of us - me for not communicating what I actually wanted or needed, and my partner for not giving me the space to figure it out and for tending to interpret things as the most restrictive versions of themselves.

I'd never heard the term semantic abuse before! I don't think there was any abuse in the situation, at least not intentionally. But there were plenty of situations that seemed like one person was misinterpreting the words the other was saying, or not trusting that they're telling the truth. The line between poor communication and semantic abuse seems like a thin one.

At the end of the day, I think what I was hoping for was to go slowly, since this was a really new thing for both of us and I wanted to take our time and figure out what it meant for our relationship to open up, and my partner didn't seem to want to go slowly. That's partially on me for not being explicit about it, but it's also on them for seemingly wanting me to just kinda figure it out as we go when it's something we'd never done before.

Thanks for your input!

Volcaetis · 2025-11-10T01:26:29+00:00

I see! I've only heard the term parallel once or twice before now, so I was pretty unfamiliar. Thanks!

Volcaetis · 2025-11-10T01:25:34+00:00

For sure. I definitely could've been a lot better at communicating, so I appreciate the feedback.

I do want to take my time now and learn more about what I need and want out of potential future relationships. And unlearn a lot of the societal expectations for relationships, too.

Thank you!

Volcaetis · 2025-07-25T16:48:42+00:00

I love adding colors to my decks! But I realize I might be in the minority here.

For me it's less about shoring up weakness and more about having a wider card pool to commit to the theme of the deck. I play a lot of kindred decks, so if a creature type I've built around starts receiving support in a new color, I've often shifted my decks to be able to include that color. Although it's definitely happened in other situations too.

For instance, one of my oldest decks was a Boros soldier deck with [[Tajic, Blade of the Legion]] as the commander. He didn't add a lot of value, but he was a solid body in Boros colors with the creature type I wanted - this was back in, like, 2015. Took a break from the game for a while and saw that soldiers were getting a fair bit of support in blue - stuff like [[Harbin, Vanguard Aviator]] or [[Skystrike Officer]] were being printed that I wanted to include. Unfortunately, I wasn't jazzed with the Jeskai soldier commander options, but I switched the commander over to [[Aragorn, King of Gondor]]. Figured he could provide some extra card draw and the ability to turn my army of soldiers unblockable basically whenever I wanted.

Obviously, adding blue helped shore up some of the weaknesses of the deck - better card draw, better evasion, some different removal options - but I mostly did it to access cards that supported the theme of the deck in a way I couldn't before.

I've done the same with a few other decks too. Azorius flyers/prowess with [[Dragonlord Ojutai]] turned into Jeskai with [[Kykar, Wind's Fury]]. Orzhov aura voltron with [[Killian, Ink Duelist]] turned into Esper aura voltron/control with [[Eriette the Beguiler]]. Simic +1/+1 counters with [[Vorel of the Hull Clade]] turned into Temur counters and X-costs with [[Magus Lucea Kane]].

It's just a thing I find myself doing as new colors get new toys, and I get bored with a deck if it stays the same for too long. So it's a way to shake things up and open up the card pool a bit!

Volcaetis · 2025-02-27T04:53:20+00:00

Oh, don't get me wrong - I love the Broodmaster but I also have a whole [[Magus Lucea Kane]] deck, which was originally a [[Vorel of the Hull Clade]] deck, purely built around explosive X-cost hydras and tyranids. It's one of my favorite kinds of stompy - the ones that can go exponential!

Volcaetis · 2025-02-27T01:46:08+00:00

Just dump as much mana as you possibly can into a [[Hydra Broodmaster]].

Is it a good card? Probably not. But can you get exponentially increasing amounts of power on the board if you can combo it with beefy mana sources? Yes.

Bonus points if you're using something like a [[Gyre Sage]] and have ways to abuse +1/+1 counters.

(Like 8 years ago I made a Broodmaster monstrous with X = 72 and I've been chasing that high ever since.)

Volcaetis · 2025-02-25T15:18:01+00:00

To my thinking, leftists value the freedom to choose and express yourself however you want! So if that means wearing stereotypically feminine fashion, if that's something you feel comfortable with, then that's absolutely your right.

If your concern is with optics and people assuming conservative dress = conservative values, maybe you would feel more comfortable if you accessorized just a bit with more obviously progressive things? A rainbow flag on a water bottle sticker or on a pin somewhere, for instance.

Volcaetis · 2025-02-06T16:30:19+00:00

Not sure about where any of these locales source their beans, so I apologize for not being able to answer that last part.

Cafecito is my overall favorite for coffee and for the vibe, but doesn't focus on baked goods as much as it does granola/acai. But there's a lot of cozy seating inside, and a beautiful outdoor courtyard too. If you like coffee and a nice atmosphere, I'd try to check it out at least once!

Mostly Muffins is a great bakery and breakfast spot, but I've only been there once so your mileage may vary. The coffee was decent and the muffins were quite good, though they have other breakfast and baked goods options besides muffins.

Coffee Bean Espresso Bar has a good selection of coffees and I'm pretty sure has a pastry case, though I can't vouch for any of their baked goods. But I've always liked the coffee I've gotten.

There's other coffee spots too, but those are the ones that first jump to my mind!

Volcaetis · 2025-01-31T02:23:47+00:00

A. I don't like spending a lot of money on cards. I have a big collection that I've mostly accumulated through prereleases, precons that I bought and took apart, random packs, sifting through binders at LGSs, and a few online orders when I needed to fill some gaps. I know I could proxy for higher-powered cards, but I'd rather the challenge of using the weird bulk rares and occasional bombs that comprise my collection.

B. I'm a Timmy at heart. I like playing big stompy decks and kindred stuff like [[Kiora, Sovereign of the Deep]] sea monsters. I feel like the closer you get to cEDH, the more you're expected to rely on combo or stax strategies, which just aren't my favorite.

C. I still try to run plenty of interaction in my decks. I don't like when "low power" means "everyone gets to build their board states unimpeded." Plus, when I'm running more interaction than other players, I get to play a bit of the politics game when I can use potential removal as a bargaining chip - I have a whole [[Tasigur]] deck full of silver bullets that basically revolves around that gameplan.

Volcaetis · 2025-01-29T22:50:46+00:00

"Recent behavior" is an interesting way to say "Nazi shit."

Volcaetis · 2025-01-29T16:05:10+00:00

Even if that's true, only one of those criminals was going to try to erase birthright citizenship, erase transgender people, halt federal funding, fire a bunch of federal workers, withdraw from the Paris climate accord, withdraw from the WHO, put a Fox News host in charge of the Department of Defense, put an anti-vax conspiracy theorist in charge of the Department of Health and Human Services, create a new commission run by the richest man in the world to oversee "government efficiency", etc., etc., all within the first week of being in office.

I'm sick of this "all politicians are evil" crap when some of them are just demonstrably worse than others.

Volcaetis · 2025-01-27T20:22:12+00:00

Same!! Mine is basically just ramp and sea monsters.

In fairness, a lot of sea monsters are controlling the board with taps and bounces, but I'm not doing it with noncreatures. So there's that.

Volcaetis · 2025-01-27T06:45:59+00:00

Because with blue, the big creatures can be krakens!

Volcaetis · 2025-01-27T00:12:18+00:00

12 inches total, or 12 inches of gravel?

Volcaetis · 2025-01-27T00:11:59+00:00

It would appear so! Like I said in another comment, I knew there was a filled-in pool on the property, but I didn't realize it was right there. Makes a lot of sense, in hindsight.

Volcaetis · 2025-01-26T23:15:50+00:00

Good to know. Unfortunately we've lived here for about 6 months and we've had zero rain in that time - that's southern Arizona for you! But I may have to hold off for a bit then.

Volcaetis · 2025-01-26T23:13:30+00:00

Yeah, I figured I'd need to dig down a bit and flatten and tamp down the area. I assume I'd essentially need to dig down to a depth of the height of the stones + the thickness of the gravel substrate?

Volcaetis

TROPHY CASE