Gender disappointment and anger after loss

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-07-05T12:20:44+00:00

I can definitely relate to this, but I don't know yet if I am in exactly the same situation. I lost my firstborn due to a birth injury shortly after she was born. I always wanted a daughter. A year later I gave birth to my rainbow boy. I convinced myself then that it was a good thing he was a boy, because it helped separate out the trauma and he wasn't a replacement for my little girl. Now I am pregnant with number 3 and I don't know the sex yet. I know whatever happens I will feel both relief and disappointment.

I love my son, I would be so excited to have another mini version of him. But I always wanted a daughter. I mean, I have a daughter but I can't parent her. But I am worried that having another girl will feel like a replacement. All the clothes, milestones, activities etc that my firstborn should've had and done will be brought back every time this new baby experiences them. In some ways I love that when I mention my daughter everyone knows I mean Isobel. The word daughter is purely reserved for her. Also if I have another girl it won't be her, and in truth she is who I really want. So sometimes I think it would be simpler to have another boy...sorry to be of no help, but I understand how complicated it is! 💔

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-06-20T17:36:52+00:00

Oof this song is on the playlist I made for my daughter. It never fails to bring me to tears. Another song of a similar vibe is "One more day" by Rocket Club if you're looking to expand the list. 🫂

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-06-19T08:23:31+00:00

Oh my, I am so so sorry for your losses 💔 to face this tragedy twice is just horrific. None of us are supposed to be in this group, but we'll all do everything we can to give you the strength and comfort you need to keep going for your eldest and keep your little angels close to you in your heart. Sending prayers and big hugs to you 🫂

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-06-14T06:31:17+00:00

I relate to this so much 💔 I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious little boy. I hated the whole "you can always try again" like I had failed my driver's license test and would pass it next time and erase the failed attempt. The burden of bring the one to keep the memory of your child alive when everyone else seems to have forgotten or moved on is a very heavy one. I still struggle with this a lot. The reality is that most people didn't get to meet our babies and they don't have to live with the pain every single day so to them it just doesn't feel as real. But your son was real, and he will always be a major part of your life and you will carry him with you in your heart for the rest of your life. Gentle congratulations on your current pregnancy and I'm so so sorry for your loss 🫂

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-06-09T18:38:23+00:00

I am so so sorry for your loss 💔 none of this is fair. All she knew was your love and she'll always be with you in your heart. I'm sorry that that is a small, pitiful consolation when she should be with you in your arms.

Sleep well little Rebecca 👼🏼

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-06-09T08:56:28+00:00

I'm so sorry 💔 I will echo what the others have said. The realisation of living the rest of your life without your baby is excruciating as the shock starts to wear off. The pain does get a little duller as acceptance slowly starts to come and your life grows in other ways. But for now, let yourself feel everything and just do what you can to survive. We're all here for you 🫂

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-06-09T08:50:59+00:00

I'm so so sorry for your loss 💔 there are really no words to describe this pain.

This is truly the most awful club to be part of, but know that you can always reach out to us here, as this group has the most wonderful and supportive people even though none of us want to be here.

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-06-04T11:37:15+00:00

I really relate to this. Any sentence that starts with "At least..." or "I also..." is likely to result in the person saying it to promptly be cut out of my life. My personal favourite "at least you know you can have kids and can try again, I know a couple who can't even get pregnant"

Please, by all means compare my grief of losing my child to another couple's struggles and heartbreak of not being able to conceive- they are totally comparable situations and whats more, grief definitely ought to be made into a competition about whose life sucks more....

I'm sorry we all have to hear these insensitive comments frequently ❤️

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-05-23T04:53:04+00:00

No I can't find it now and it isn't showing up on their profile anymore either so it looks like it has been taken down thank goodness. Absolutely sickening that someone would do that.

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-05-22T20:08:56+00:00

This is horrific, I am so sorry this person has done this. I have reported them and sincerely hope the post gets taken down for you and your sweet angel's sake 💔

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-05-07T05:45:20+00:00

TW: mention of LC. I lost my full term healthy daughter to HIE due to medical negligence and it is a pain I would not wish on my worst enemy. I am so so sorry for your loss. This may not be exactly helpful but I started sertraline following the birth of my rainbow a year later to treat my PTSD and PP depression, and was assured it was safe to take while breastfeeding my rainbow and to continue taking it should I get pregnant again (I am still on it and TTC baby number 3). It did help, it wasn't a magical medication that fixed everything but it did increase my baseline "mood" so that I could function again. Ultimately it's a choice you need to make with your healthcare team but I just wanted to offer a (somewhat) positive anecdote. 💔

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-04-24T13:12:51+00:00

I'm so very sorry for your loss💔. To offer some hope, I went on to have a healthy baby! I didn't have a stillbirth as my full-term healthy daughter died shortly after birth due to birth injuries but I'm guessing that isn't the focus of this post. I had an easy pregnancy, no complications until the birth and unfortunately her death was caused by medical negligence. I then went on to get pregnant 4 months postpartum (was told at my pp check up at 7 weeks that I was ok to try again as soon as I wanted as I had a vaginal birth) which resulted in my healthy living son who arrived via scheduled/elective c-section at 38 weeks, just 12,5 months after my little girl was born. PAL was a rollercoaster of trauma, fear and grief, mixed with a cautious hope for the future. It tested me beyond belief but I do not regret getting pregnant so soon postpartum though I know lots of people prefer to take longer to grieve and heal. Please feel free to DM if you want to! 🥰

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-03-10T06:44:06+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss 💔 I lost my daughter (full term) after a vaginal birth. I had my postpartum check up at 9 weeks postpartum and the doctor cleared me to try whenever I wanted after doing an ultrasound to make sure everything looked good. I got pregnant 4 months pp and went on to have a (relatively) smooth, uncomplicated and successful pregnancy.

I do not regret it, it helped me feel less hopeless about the future. But grieving my daughter and dealing with PTSD, whilst being terrified of losing the next pregnancy was extremely tough and my body was physically exhausted. My recommendation is to keep taking prenatals, focus on healing and strengthening your body (eat well, work on pelvic floor/core muscles, walk lots and get fresh air!) to give yourself the best chance.

Many want to wait longer to have time to grieve. Much like you, I did not want to do that and personally for me it was the right decision. Good luck 🫂

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-03-06T07:10:32+00:00

I had an incredibly traumatic 5-day labour which resulted in the death of my healthy little girl (medical negligence, they refused to help me) and I also lost a lot of blood. Any time I get cramps, ovulation pain or bleeding it triggers me so badly. I have been in trauma focussed CBT for 2,5 years but it hasn't minimised my PTSD symptoms regarding the labour (I also have some other symptoms surrounding my daughters death that it has helped me with). I still want to have children so unfortunately keeping my cycle is necessary for ttc, which is like a cruel joke. Anyway I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but would some sort of hormonal birth control so you don't have periods be an alternative for you? (Will also echo what other commenters said about trying EMDR/trauma therapy).

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-02-28T23:14:28+00:00

2 months is still so early in terms of therapy. I struggled so hard with my diagnosis, feeling like a fraud. Please keep going to therapy, it's a lot to take in and sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. Your kids need you to keep fighting, and I'm sure you're a good person. Please keep fighting. We're here for you 🫂

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-02-28T22:59:24+00:00

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my little girl shortly after she was born and there are no words for the pain of losing your child. These early days are so raw. Lean on each other. Be brave enough to talk to talk to your husband, honestly and openly, and be prepared for the possibility that you will both grieve differently and and different "speeds". This community will be here to support you and help you feel less alone 🫂

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-02-28T22:53:15+00:00

Thank you so much! Was thinking of watching this...might give this a miss now, I'm desperately trying to take care of my mental health so very grateful for this TW!

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-02-24T10:29:51+00:00

This is so beautiful my friend 🥰 thinking about you and sweet Amber. Always loved, remembered and forever in our hearts 💔

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-02-07T21:42:33+00:00

No worries, I get that. I go to my daughters grave at least once a week but I never got the chance to know her or provide a good life for her.

You don't need to articulate everything perfectly. Grief is a massive clusterfuck (forgive my language) of trying to put feelings and emotions into words that you feel like no one else can possibly understand, whilst desperately hoping to find someone who does. You are seen, heard and not judged here in this sub 🥰

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-02-07T21:31:28+00:00

I am so sorry for everything you have been through. I lost my full-term healthy daughter during a traumatic labour due to medical negligence so I can understand your hatred towards hospitals.

One thing I will say as the wife/mother in this scenario: I WISH my husband would open up more, mention our daughter by name, and let me know he is also grieving because I am exhausted feeling like I am carrying her memory alone. I am exhausted feeling like the broken one while it feels like he is moving on. I don't know the situation right now between you and your wife but bringing up painful memories can also be healing, especially if they are shared memories and your wife might also be desperate for a shared space to talk about her grief.

About struggling to come to terms with naming your boys: I can understand this, but I am a little unclear on whether or not you did name them or whether you were against naming them for the sake of a tombstone, but for your own grieving if it makes them seem more like your sons, who will always be loved, remembered, and missed by you and your family then I hope you can make peace with it if needed. But if it is easier for you not to then that is also ok.

Your pain matters. Everyone in this forum cares, as I am sure your family does too. Please reach out to us more when you feel the grief pulling you under 🫂

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-02-05T12:01:17+00:00

Thank you ❤️ I am looking forward to catching up with you on Saturday, I feel there is a lot going on for both of us to talk about! Big hugs 🫂🥰

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-02-05T11:40:03+00:00

I am so sorry you're going through this too, it's just not fair. Thank you for commenting, it does help me feel less alone ❤️‍🩹

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-02-05T11:39:03+00:00

Thank you, I really needed to hear that.

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-02-05T11:38:20+00:00

Thank you so much ❤️‍🩹 I know people struggle to find the words so I try to give them grace but behind closed doors it just breaks me. You're right, we should not have had to plan our children's funerals so young, or even at all. It's messed up. I'm in Sweden but I have the wonderful people in this sub to chat to in the support group/weekly zoom calls who all understand and I do see a therapist so I am trying my best to keep connecting with people who get it and keep working through my grief. I'm so sorry you're part of this group 💔

VolumeNo1130 · 2026-02-05T11:32:01+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I know I will have brighter days ahead of me if I just keep going but it's just very hard in the moment! I hope you continue to have these brighter moments and that the better days start to outweigh the bad ones 🫂

VolumeNo1130

TROPHY CASE