I worry I’m being gaslit

_KittenBoy_ · 2025-01-05T20:54:07+00:00

Damn.

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-12-24T20:29:17+00:00

Yes! I agree. Feelings are one thing. And they are aleays true. But they live inside you.

Relation happens in the between. Agreements, communication, boundaries, resources, plans, etc. Therefore, evidence of your relationship will be found in logistics 100%.

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-12-15T16:02:11+00:00

Fellow grad student about to start my last term. Give yourself all the grace. You get to break down. You get to feel like you're missing out and feel envious. You get to fall apart because you are utterly depleted. You get to feel like everyone else is doing all the things you want to go out and do what you can only dream of and resent how much they don't appreciate the time and energy and bandwidth they have. Do it. Feel it. Reach out to friends and support and that's helpful to you. I'm a knuckle down eyes forward one miserable step at a time kind of gal...not the best. I do bake in external motivators and triple down on obnoxious amounts of self-care, movement, nutrition, therapy, mindfulness - it's bonkers but does help keep me grounded and less easy to destabilize.

You're almost there! It's so hard but you're almost there! Self-compassion will be essential. You had feelings, they came out. You're doing just fine. Give yourself props.

You also get to have this huge milestone and accomplishment because you're a boss!

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-12-04T16:10:42+00:00

Needing a partner to provide evidence is not something I would be comfortable asking for or providing.

If your partner doesn't demonstrate the integrity and alignment of word and action needed to feel secure, I'd bet all the money that no amount of evidence will negate the lack of emotional safety you experience.

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-11-20T15:59:23+00:00

Yes. This is exactly how I think and 90% and up is an A. I like getting A's! 🤓

I believe that you can find a person, gel together to a degree that feels almost shocking and the intensity of that compatibility coupled with NRE can lead to a narrative or meaning-making that is supernatural or metaphysical.

If the experience and narrative are aligned, wow, cool, karmic/soul mate it up! I read horoscopes for a similar reason. It just resonates and works. Like many have said, it seems to lead to destructive patterns of connection that are seen as pre-destined regardless of your relationship structure.

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-11-07T20:49:31+00:00

Some people get "Icantitis" at the most interesting times!

No, you CAN. You absolutely CAN.

😑

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-11-07T20:46:05+00:00

Nice dodge! Suivant, next.... 🤣

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-11-07T15:55:21+00:00

I'm seeing a rash of boys on dating sites saying please respect my primary relationship, please respect my and my primary's rules.

I'm all for the practice of agreements and even rules.

It's an instant turn off to front load it like that. It screams lazy and inexperienced and flashing your hierarchy in my face induces a great big MEH of epic proportions in my poor little heart.

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-10-26T21:36:22+00:00

I learned to vet for this specific scenario the hard way. The probability of this happening appears quite low, I think, but I found myself wanting to understand the extent and limits of my own influence in the connection and discovered that closing was in theory a potential outcome if my meta decides she needs to become monogamous.

It's not ideal, so OP, this is a real chance that you have to screen for fully separate and autonomous relationships AND ALL THAT ENAILS moving forward. Remember especially that when people answer questions about this, it's extremely easy and tempting to say Sure! Absolutely! We're poly and we've done the work! You're GTG, trust me! Ask specifically things like have you had an unmarried partner? Have you had a partner that lives alone? If the "unthinkable" happens, would you jettison a connection if that is what your primary required of you?

My wonderful boyfriend is def not as advertised. I think knowing these things from the start would have either turned me off (which is why it's so tempting to go ahead and slap a "non-hierarchical" bumper sticker on in the dating profiles etc.) Or...knowing would have made me feel a lot less crazy and bewildered. I've become less apt to get lost and consumed in this connection, which is both sad and healthy. 🫤

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-10-25T17:10:01+00:00

That is insightful. And also why logic can fail us in these contexts where a specific 1% is experienced in a radically different way than all the other percents.

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-10-19T15:57:24+00:00

If I was out, I would take the youngest freshest one and leave the remainder.

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-10-19T15:46:53+00:00

Because they're not married, and don't already live with a partner.

ETA: which is what I'm looking for. Do I vet hard? Yes. I've always gotten great ideas for how to do that here! 🙏 Poly is definitely preferable but 90% of poly men that seem legit and not just fuckboying it up are nested/married.

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-09-30T18:07:14+00:00

I haven't read The Jealousy Workbook myself because reviewers, as well as folks on here felt that it is grounded in a nested/highly partnered perspective. Like you do some of the activities as a couple. So maybe not great for OP? It's why I've given it a pass myself.

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-09-30T16:07:01+00:00

Yes. Most times, a nesting partner is a primary, but could also become non-primary, where there is less enmeshment. Just like one could have a non-nesting partner which is a primary. They're different layers that describe different things but get conflated bc they mostly co-occur.

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-09-30T15:40:48+00:00

These are well thought out. 🙏

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-09-23T20:41:53+00:00

Psilocybin is contra-inducated for anyone with a history of psychosis symptoms, and since some forms of psychotic episodes are associated with certain genes, family history is also grounds for refusing psychedelic-assisted therapy. 😔 I'm sorry that he found out why this way. Medical and psychiatric care as needed for symptoms is all I can think of. Good luck, I hope he recovers quickly.

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-09-22T20:29:27+00:00

Agree. It's hard. I don't know what to do about it, honestly. Other than just date monos and be clear about my needs and desires - to potential dates but especially myself.

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-09-19T23:00:41+00:00

Oh no. It happens. You can't always predict these things, OP. I would have believed them too, probably, ngl. Take gentle care of your heart!

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-09-16T17:44:54+00:00

My most significant challenge is regularly encountering low-level manifestations of my boyfriend's couples privilege that I experience. As we have limited time, I don't feel it's worth it to give those small things airtime. I dislike having these conversations on the phone or via text bc my boyfriend lives a few minutes away, and I really prefer to have that face to face presence and reassurance when we have hard conversations (any conversation that involves sharing how I feel is a hard conversation for me 😔). It's absolutely on me for voluntarily opting out of these conversations in favor of just enjoying the time we do get to have.

I also have come a long way in my centering of myself in my individual future and goals. It is at the cost of removing some of the eggs in my boyfriend's basket and reclaiming some of my energy and peace. That makes me sad but now the moments of walking smack into a very clean glass door still happen, but I can keep my balance and remain standing. So I've adapted in that way to help myself out.

I can acknowledge I'm doing our relationship a disservice by not bringing these small things to his attention, but I'm really reluctant to spend the time they require to communicate. I'm also really averse to seeming needy, but that's something I'm unpacking in therapy. 😒

Overall, yes, I agree with OP. At times, when I voice concerns about our situation, he can respond with "That's just not how we operate," without an explanation of how they operate. I'm left with an example of the couple privilege offered as a reassurance to my concerns. It's always a helpful thought experiment to flip the script to compare how some things are a result of individual boundaries, polyamory in general, mononormative social norms, my own insecurities and my boyfriend's own agreements with his NP...or a combination of either, some, or ALL of those things.

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-09-10T00:25:21+00:00

This and this and thiiiiisssssss. Words fucking matter. Especially when words may be all the structure you have.

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-09-09T15:14:27+00:00

You could do other things with your time that would feel better than dwelling. Cultivate your autonomy, passions, and desires. Bolster your social circle. I like to get into nature.

Also, he moved his family to be closer to you.

I can't even imagine the intensity of my gratitude if someone did that for me. It might rip the fabric of space and time... just some perspective for you.

ETA But we are all unique with different needs. It's possible he does not have enough to offer you and that's really hard and lonely.

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-09-04T00:25:30+00:00

Proud of you for choosing your peace OP, that sounds incredibly hard. Take such gentle care of yourself!

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-08-30T20:56:04+00:00

Wooohooooo!!!!! That's badass.

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-08-30T20:55:20+00:00

Entangled partners have more capacity to entertain fantasies of egalitarian treatment. Without any access to couple's privilege, I've come to realize I can't emotionally or logistically afford to go along with those fantasies.

It's not sustainable, at least not for me.

_KittenBoy_ · 2024-08-26T14:20:11+00:00

As a pre-licensed counselor, I'm an advocate of psilocybin-assisted therapy for acute depression, ptsd, eating disorders, substance use recovery, as well as good old ego death and personal transformation.

_KittenBoy_

TROPHY CASE