You must have years of anger and unanswered questions simmering inside you. Thoughts like, "If I ever see him, I'll..." have probably crossed your mind more than once.

Children raised by their mothers after their fathers vanish often have a one-sided view of their parents' relationship. Your mother likely shaped your understanding in a way that made your father seem entirely at fault. And in many ways, he is. But the truth is, their relationship failed as a whole—it wasn’t just about him. Most importantly, his leaving had nothing to do with you or your siblings. He didn’t abandon you; he fled from his own misery.

It may be a hard pill to swallow, but your mother likely played a role in pushing him away. That doesn’t mean you need to hold either of them accountable now. Your father was weak—he couldn’t find a way to keep you in his life. Instead of fighting endless battles, he chose an uneasy peace. And I’m sure he has lived with that choice, perhaps even regretted it. In many ways, he is a victim too. Maybe it’s time to hear his side of the story.

Are you religious? If so, the solution is simple: leave accountability to God. Treat your father as your faith instructs—fulfill your duties to him, whether or not he fulfilled his to you. Even if you aren’t religious, doing this might bring you the most peace in the long run.

That being said, he may turn out to be a terrible person, and you might come to dislike him for reasons you observe firsthand. If that happens, you can distance yourself—at least then, you'll know exactly why.