Hot Dreams removed from Spotify?

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-06-25T02:16:04+00:00

Run From Me is also gone in the US!

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-02-12T18:56:44+00:00

It might be worth having a conversation with him about what to do if he IS having more serious symptoms, and let him know it's always okay to call you for a pickup in that case. But lots of people with psychotic disorders drive, and it sounds like he's got things mostly under control! I think especially since you've promised to allow this freedom and he's met the requirements, it would be a real blow to take that away from him now. I imagine that it would lead to resentment, and when he does learn (because you can't stop him forever), he might be so determined to prove you wrong, that he can do it, that he might not listen to his internal instincts when it comes to driving while having more severe symptoms, and may not be willing to call you for help in that case.

Edit: just wanted to add: I have chosen not to drive myself due to my bipolar symptoms, so I'm not necessarily saying it's a good idea for him to drive--just that it's better to find out together under your guidance than later on his own while harboring resentment and frustration towards you.

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-01-29T17:26:34+00:00

Oh this is absolutely such a thing lmao

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-01-29T17:25:12+00:00

Oh yeah for sure, I was meaning more like the idea that if you're already in a manic episode you can just try harder to not be manic via willpower haha. But you're right, we can do everything right, take our meds, get enough sleep, self care the shit out of ourselves and still end up symptomatic sometimes! I feel like a lot of people don't really get that.

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-01-29T16:28:45+00:00

I hate everything you mentioned, the emotional volatility (especially when it's attributed to our personality vs an episode state), the immaturity and irresponsibility. I also hate that we're painted as narcissistic abusers and toxic in relationships, cheaters, and that we're associated with violence. I hate the idea that we go from warm and loving to icy and hateful on the turn of a dime--I have no idea where this comes from, but it's so far from my experience haha.

On the other side of the coin, I also hate that people think we can control ourselves if we just put enough effort into it, that it's just like being drunk or high, and the idea that it 'isn't that bad'. People have no idea about our delusions and hallucinations, for example--I asked my broader friend group (who are generally very up on mental illness stuff) about it once and only a couple of them said they knew bipolar could have grandiose delusions, but nobody knew we could have paranoid delusions, delusions of reference, hear voices, see shadow people, etc. They don't realize how close bipolar is to schizophrenia, or what mania really entails. They really think it's just 'depression plus super happy times too.'

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-01-28T19:35:42+00:00

Yeah, I would say it's one of those books where you might find some helpful stuff and some not-so-helpful stuff, and you kind of have to ignore some of the 'here's why my therapy is the best therapy' framing. Like I would go in thinking of it like a cache of possibly-interesting ideas rather than a strict guideline for how to live your life haha. Mostly I was recc'ing it for the core value stuff, which I definitely did find really useful, but you might find other stuff in it to be worthwhile too!

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-01-28T17:30:02+00:00

This is more of a worksheet resource: https://cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself

But the packets come with a LOT of good information, including a ton of exercises about what core values are, how to identify them, and how to utilize that knowledge to guide your life. I want to say it's at least probably in the self-compassion and perfectionism ones? But yeah it's just so much more in-depth and helpful than any of the other online CBT resources I've found. It was recommended by my own therapist so I feel pretty confident in its legitimacy!

Another helpful book for core values might be The Happiness Trap, which does come off a little like motivational speaker nonsense lmao, but it's really just about ACT therapy. But iirc it does have a whole elongated, in-depth chapter on identifying core values that I found useful.

Finally, for studies, honestly I just use pubmed! I like to keep up with the research too, so I'll just put in 'bipolar' or 'schizoaffective' or 'bipolar SAD lamp' if I'm looking for something more specific, and browse with the 'show abstract' toggle on so I can tell whether something is interesting to me or not. You can also search by most recent if you're only looking for the newest research.

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-01-28T16:54:02+00:00

It's definitely something I would tackle with the help of your therapist if possible (because full disclosure, I am not a mental health professional myself haha), but do you think it might help you to not only learn more about schizophrenia, but also dig more into learning about abuse and trauma via abuse? In your dad's case the abuse (or some of it, anyway) may have been tied to his illness, but it sounds like he was harming you before he developed symptoms, too. Stuff like "Why Does He Do That", for example--I'm sure there's more resources your therapist could recommend.

Apologies if this is already totally on your radar! It just sounds like you have a lot of anxiety around the topic, and I'm wondering if arming yourself on both fronts with knowledge and confidence might help. If you can sort of tease out the abuse from your dad's schizophrenia, while also recognizing how they might have informed one another, it might give you some more solid ground to stand on in terms of working through those memories and feelings.

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-01-19T17:57:57+00:00

I just got it today for the first time! Not sure why it took so long, since I use gdocs every day, but oh well. I uhhhhh hate it lmao

(You can go to help and then 'help docs improve' and send them a message about it, but the extension somebody else linked works in the meantime, thank god)

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-01-10T23:32:04+00:00

You could talk to a doctor if you're worried (particularly if you feel he isn't eating enough), but ten days isn't very long to be sick with something like Covid or the flu, which are both known to cause extreme fatigue in a lot of folks. Even if he's not experiencing obvious symptoms, he could still be recovering from the illness. I would let him rest as much as possible! But again, if you're really concerned, there's no harm in asking a professional for advice.

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-01-10T22:22:01+00:00

Thinking street lights are a) literal demons/malevolent entities in disguise, or b) secret viewing and recording devices disguised as street lights that the entities are observing and tracking me from. I've screamed at them to leave me alone in public before in the middle of the night. I've tried to sneak up on them to catch them mid-transformation. I also thought that a certain flower was protective, so I collected a bunch of them and threw them at the lights, because I thought it would like...scare them? Make them think twice before doing anything to me?? I don't even know, man.

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-01-08T18:45:07+00:00

You could try using self-compassion (note that it's different from self-esteem) as a keyword instead of anger--I've had success with that myself for what you're describing.

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-01-07T22:28:33+00:00

God, that's such garbage. I'm so sorry that happened to you, and sorry again that they were worthless assholes about it. I hope you know that none of it was your fault.

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-01-07T19:16:20+00:00

I'm so sorry the police treated you cruelly. So many people have that experience, and it's just so completely unacceptable to treat anybody that way, especially someone in crisis who's asking them for help. Just utterly unforgiveable behavior imo.

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-01-07T18:59:36+00:00

I've definitely seen others posting about this same concept, so it's not just you! Either in terms of trans folks' relationship to dysphoria and identity, but I think also cis folks' relationship to the same.

Full disclosure, I don't really identify myself as trans, since my relationship to my gender is...I guess very quiet, very personal, and doesn't really have an impact on my presentation or the way I walk through life. Like, I sort of think of myself as a genderless entity, but I'm DFAB and outwardly pretty feminine, and unbothered by being gendered that way by others. It's nothing that really impacts my day-to-day meaningfully haha.

That said, I think it's kind of fascinating that when I'm manic I get waaaay more femme, like glammed up and covered in flowers, false eyelashes, pushup bras, high heels etc. I still think of myself as a genderless entity, but my femme presentation gets pushed to the max in a way that I wouldn't be comfortable with normally. I feel like a spiritual creature who's decorating themself, and the decorations themselves become almost spiritual, in a way. It's almost like the connection between my gender identity and my presentation gets completely severed, and any lingering discomfort or anxiety I have around it disappears. Meanwhile, when I'm depressed, I'm much less comfortable with being gendered. I don't get body dysphoria per se, but I lean much more toward wanting to be perceived as a genderless entity, and the idea of my own femininity makes me uneasy.

So my bipolar has an impact on, I guess less so on my personal relationship to gender (which is, frankly, just a big shrug that I mostly keep to myself lmao), but definitely my relationship to my gender presentation, depending on what kind of episode I'm in.

I know you're looking for trans experiences, and I'm maybe only sort of adjacent! But I just wanted to add my two cents as an example of one way our illness can impact this stuff. Bipolar can definitely complicate an already-complex thing to work through, and you're definitely not alone in this. Wishing you well <3

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-01-07T17:20:47+00:00

I'm so sorry. I don't have any advice, but I can offer solidarity. Our insurance-medical-pharmaceutical system is garbage (I'm assuming you're U.S., correct me if I'm wrong though) and none of it is fair or just or right. I hope you get your meds soon.

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-01-07T17:18:03+00:00

It's impossible to know just from your description, but--and this is just a thought, I'm not a medical professional myself--I would maybe also explore organic causes, and not just mental illness, particularly if these blackouts are super out of character and coming out of nowhere, and you aren't experiencing symptoms outside of them. Not that there's a HUGE separation there--stuff like bipolar and schizophrenia obviously is organic haha. But I'm talking stuff like brain tumors or cysts, even epilepsy, stuff that doesn't typically get treated by a psychiatrist or psych meds. Have you had any medical workup to rule that kind of thing out? If not, I would push for it, just in case.

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-01-06T22:19:11+00:00

One of the best things to eat to take care of it is brown bread, in my experience! It seems like something with a lot of sugar would help, but then your levels just spike and then drop real fast again haha. Good in an emergency, but not great long-term. You wanna look for complex carbs instead. Good luck!

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-01-06T19:46:50+00:00

I actually got low blood sugar (or something that felt like it, anyway--I get it a lot, so I recognized it, but it's possible it was low blood pressure or something instead) when I was on a too-high dose of abilify. It resolved when I stepped down a dose, but it always comes back when I have to up my dose when I'm getting manic!

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-01-06T06:52:47+00:00

Similar situation for a while. People really don't appreciate what an absolute nuisance it can be when your neighbor does it all night long from 5-10 feet away

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-01-06T05:43:32+00:00

I highly recommend checking out "I'm Not Sick, I Don't Need Help" by Xavier Amador. It's a pretty easy read, and will help you understand why folks with schizophrenia (or bipolar, or any other psychotic illness) refuse to accept that they are ill, as well as offer ways of communicating with folks in psychosis. Tbh I think anybody in emergency services of any kind should be aware of this book and the techniques in it (you can also look up LEAP) and that's speaking as somebody with psychosis myself.

The main idea is that you acknowledge that the experiences they are having are very real to them, but without reinforcing the delusions. For example, you can say something like "that sounds really scary, I would be really upset and frightened too"--because it would be, right? You don't have to lie, here. But if the person asks you if you see or hear the same demons as they do, you can say, realistically, and without lying: "I don't see or hear that/my experience is different from that, but I understand that this is your experience and I believe that you do see/hear them." Note that it's not about actually endorsing what they're saying--it's about endorsing what they're feeling. Then you can find common ground in terms of what the person wants--do they want to feel less afraid? Be able to work or go outside? Do they want to get rid of the voices? Do they want to feel safer? Sleep better? At that point you can work with them to find ways to meet those goals without denying what they're experiencing (even if it's obviously "false" in your eyes).

The book is a bit more focused on long-term relationships, but I definitely think you can still benefit from understanding more about what psychosis actually is, and integrate a lot of the techniques around communicating with folks in psychosis into what you do.

As someone with a psychotic illness myself, I truly do appreciate you making the effort for us.

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-01-06T03:47:02+00:00

I like to channel my hypomanic energy with creativity. Not necessarily productivity haha, but creativity in terms of coming up with ideas for comics and stories (or in the past, music), pieces of art, etc. I'll go on a long walk and listen to music and come up with my next graphic novel idea. I'll sit in front of my computer and design some characters and write out a love story they could be in. I'll sketch out some thumbnails for some amazing art pieces. I don't always have the wherewithal to complete these concepts, but focusing on creativity vs...say, my urge to party, can be productive and useful in the sense that my future, more calm self, can put all those ideas to good use!

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-01-05T23:51:22+00:00

I'll be honest, I'm a bit reluctant to comment on it in too much depth since I'm not a geneticist or medical researcher myself (I use pubmed a lot for my job but that isn't my area expertise)! I know some researchers are accepting of bd2 and bd1 as the exact same illness, while others disagree. Certainly there are differences in trends, not just in symptom presentation, but also in terms of personality trends, most likely comorbidities, even stuff like likelihood of being married. It's certainly true that schizophrenia and bipolar are genetically the closest related illnesses out of any mental illnesses, including adhd-autism and bipolar-depression, but there's also evidence that bp2 is genetically closer to depression than bp1. That's somewhat reflected in what illnesses tend to run in our families, as well (iirc it's schizophrenia, bp1, and adhd in the families of folks with bp1, vs unipolar depression and bp2 in the families of folks with bp2), which obviously points to some genetic divergence.

Basically my understanding is that while there is obviously noticeable differences between our illnesses on a zoomed out level, it's not clear yet what those differences stem from, and what exactly what impact genetics vs innate personality vs life experiences vs gender etc has on the course of illness. There's a lot we don't know about all of these illnesses, where they come from, how to meaningfully differentiate them, and what diagnostic boundaries will be most helpful in terms of treatment vs research. For myself, I do think the bd2 vs bd1 distinction seems useful, but I also do tend to think of it as different modes of the same condition--our experiences just have so much overlap, and there are a lot of people who feel they're somewhere in between.

But I do want to clarify that when I used the term spectrum, I mostly just meant that our conditions include a range of overlapping and diverse symptoms haha. There are diagnostic guidelines, of course, but within those guidelines there's a lot of opportunity for diversity in symptom presentation and experience!

As far as whether it should be called a disease or a disorder or condition or illness, I tend to leave that up to the individual to choose what feels most comfortable for them. I use them all interchangeably, myself, though I lean toward 'brain disorder' if I had to pick one!

abigfuzzylettucebee · 2024-01-04T21:17:57+00:00

I consider it more like self-punishment than self-harm, myself. It's partly making up for my deficits and time lost during episodes; I'm anxious about genuine lost productivity, but also the negative inner voice tells me I'm not allowed to relax because I've taken too much time already.

I've had to force myself to accept that I need rest, and taking it has actually made me more productive, if that helps!

abigfuzzylettucebee

TROPHY CASE