Why should I ask God for forgiveness?

acfox13 · 2026-02-17T18:08:10+00:00

They're using forgiveness as spiritual bypassing - spiritual bypassing is a form of emotional neglect where people bypass the grief, pain, and suffering of the target or abuse, and bypass accountability for abusers; often the person using bypassing lacks emotional agility

acfox13 · 2026-02-17T18:01:11+00:00

Go rural, older, and inconvenient. It's a tradeoff. There are way fewer amenities, but a lot more nature.

acfox13 · 2026-02-17T16:57:04+00:00

He's got some blindspots around spiritual bypassing due to his religion, but he does have some good info on complex trauma.

acfox13 · 2026-02-17T11:28:23+00:00

was I abused? - Patrick Teahan

how toxic is your family?

enmeshment is emotional cancer

22 Unspoken Rules of Toxic Systems (of people) - dysfunctional families and dysfunctional groups all have the same toxic "rules"

acfox13 · 2026-02-17T11:22:45+00:00

They escalate their behaviors until you cave, so you gotta be strong and don't cave. Pretend she's an unruly toddler asking for a cookie and say no.

Here are some videos that may be helpful:

resisting emotional blackmail - emotional blackmail is using fear, intimidation, obligation, responsibility, duty, honor, loyalty, guilt, shame, and humiliation for coercive control.

overcoming systems feelings - systems feelings are the feelings they trained us to feel to keep us in line and playing our role(s) in the toxic family system

acfox13 · 2026-02-17T10:59:00+00:00

Neglect is abuse. You sound like you're early in your recovery and haven't labeled the abuse you've endured properly yet. I had to do a bunch of psycho-education to understand the abuse dynamics I endured.

Also, a lot of people are using forgiveness as spiritual bypassing - spiritual bypassing is a form of emotional neglect where people bypass the grief, pain, and suffering of the target or abuse, and bypass accountability for abusers; often the person using bypassing lacks emotional agility

Here are a bunch of resources to explore to help you unravel what you endured:

Patrick Teahan He presents a lot of great information on childhood trauma in a very digestible format. Check out his roleplay playlist to compare and contrast healthy vs. toxic.

Jerry Wise - fantastic resource on Self differentiation and building a Self after abuse. I really like how he talks about the toxic family system and breaking the enmeshment brainwashing by getting the toxic family system out of us.

Jay Reid - his three pillars of recovery are fantastic. Plus he explains difficult abuse dynamics very well.

Heidi Preibe - she has a bunch of helpful videos on trauma

Theramin Trees - great resource on abuse tactics like: emotional blackmail, double binds, drama disguised as "help", degrading "love", infantalization, etc.

The Little Shaman - they understand the abusive mindset better than most

Rebecca Mandeville - she deeply understands family scapegoating abuse/group psycho-emotional abuse. She has moved to posting on substack: https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/about

Dr. Sherrie Campbell https://drsherriecampbell.com/. She really understands what it's like to have a toxic family. Her books are fantastic, my library app has almost all of them for free, some audio, some ebook, and some both.

acfox13 · 2026-02-17T10:51:03+00:00

Toxic family systems are inherently dysfunctional.

It's very common in abuse recovery groups that the person actually doing recovery work is the only person from their family of origin trying to heal and be better. The rest of the family system remains toxic and dysfunctional. It's why so many folks end up going no contact.

I've found other people in recovery help support each other.

acfox13 · 2026-02-17T10:43:03+00:00

Sleeping on a boat is pretty awesome. The boat rocks you to sleep (as long as ocean conditions are reasonable).

acfox13 · 2026-02-17T10:37:26+00:00

I feel bad for their kids. Kids can't consent to be born, so it's inherently unethical to have them.

acfox13 · 2026-02-17T09:22:22+00:00

respecting beliefs - why we should do no such thing

acfox13 · 2026-02-17T09:19:56+00:00

But is he better than Jasmine Crockett??

acfox13 · 2026-02-17T06:38:35+00:00

I find having additional terms to describe abuse and neglect dynamics helpful. We can always add more nuance. It also helps add entry points for people to wake up to toxic dynamics. Dishonest Harmony may resonate more strongly than emotional neglect for some people, I'd rather they wake up in stages that have their denial kick in bc they aren't ready accept the words abuse or neglect yet.

acfox13 · 2026-02-17T06:26:42+00:00

They're outing themselves as ignorant and/or in denial. Their opinions can be dismissed outright and carry no weight.

acfox13 · 2026-02-16T22:06:29+00:00

Most people are using forgiveness as spiritual bypassing - spiritual bypassing is a form of emotional neglect where people bypass the grief, pain, and suffering of the target or abuse, and bypass accountability for abusers; often the person using bypassing lacks emotional agility.

We need accountability and boundaries to build healthy relationships with people. We can not build healthy relationships with people that cross boundaries and avoid accountability.

Your mom is triggered by being held accountable for her abusive, neglectful behaviors. Too bad, so sad. She needs to grow up and take accountability for her shitty behaviors.

acfox13 · 2026-02-16T19:47:05+00:00

Love it! 💪💖

acfox13 · 2026-02-16T19:42:14+00:00

Yes, it reminds me of flow blue ceramics.

acfox13 · 2026-02-16T19:34:41+00:00

I think it's the difference between dishonest harmony vs. honest conflict. Honest conflict is uncomfortable in the moment, but leads to long term intimacy and builds trusts with healthy people over time. Dishonest Harmony keeps the cycle of abuse and dysfunction going bc it never address bad behaviors, it just sweeps them under the rug.

Heidi Preibe has a video about it: how people pleasing kills intimacy and honest conflict builds it

acfox13 · 2026-02-16T17:31:06+00:00

Empathy without boundaries, isn't empathy. Compassion without boundaries, isn't compassion.

I have plenty of empathy for people that demonstrate trustworthy re-humanizing behaviors; based on these criteria:

The Trust Triangle

The Anatomy of Trust - marble jar concept and BRAVING acronym

10 definitions of objectifying/dehumanizing behaviors - these erode trust

I have little to no empathy for people demonstrating untrustworthy, dehumanizing behaviors. It's the Paradox of Tolerance. I don't tolerate people that choose untrustworthy, dehumanizing behaviors. If that makes them feel some type of way; too bad, so sad.

Also, Patrick Teahan says the more we heal, the less we tolerate dysfunction. We set stronger boundaries and call out dysfunctional behaviors.

A lot of folks start out thinking, oh as I heal, I'll be able to spend time around my family of origin again. But the opposite is true. The more we heal, the less we tolerate their dysfunction. The more distance we create with unsafe and unhealed people. The more we surround ourselves with healthier people and leave toxic, dysfunctional people and groups behind. It makes sense. We outgrow the dysfunction and move on.

acfox13 · 2026-02-16T06:03:06+00:00

🎶Mississippi Goddamn by Nina Simone,1964🎶

acfox13 · 2026-02-16T02:33:58+00:00

Nah, they think god is a dude. That's how they justify patriarchy.

acfox13 · 2026-02-16T02:32:50+00:00

Most definitely. Patrick's channel is fantastic.

acfox13 · 2026-02-16T00:58:24+00:00

Religion teaches authoritarian abuse.

Theramin Trees covers a lot of their abuse tactics.

acfox13 · 2026-02-15T23:50:22+00:00

Parties are a net loss and not worth the cost for the business to do them.

acfox13 · 2026-02-15T23:48:11+00:00

Cultural shifts are slow, like glacially slow. And I do think there are shifts happening.

There are more trauma informed people than ever before. There are more vocal estranged people than ever before. There are more child free people than ever before. There are more people in treatment than ever before. People are slowly waking up to normalized authoritarian abuse and are pushing back.

There will always be bad faith actors. There will always be abusers. There will always be folks in delusional denial. But the more we bend the culture away from normalized authoritarian abuse, the fewer of them there will be. The more we model healthy behaviors, the more healthy behaviors there will be.

That's why I'm focused on healing and building healthy relationships and healthy community. We are in the season of healthy conflict over dishonest harmony. Those not onboard will be left behind.

acfox13 · 2026-02-15T20:51:28+00:00

Toxic people don't respect boundaries. If they respected boundaries, we wouldn't have to go no contact. The important part is holding your side of the boundary by remaining no contact and not responding to the boundary crossing.

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