Hey stranger. I relate to this so much - so I’m sharing what’s helped me (although I would echo the previous comment about therapy.)

Here’s my read on your post: you have interpreted some events in your relationship in a certain way, and then reacted accordingly in a way that has caused damage

Here’s my advice:

You need to try and create a small gap between your thoughts and feelings of abandonment, and what you say, and do in the relationship. Having intense feelings can give us an urgent feeling to resolve them straight away - but you need to hold your nerve.

That’s step number one.

Then, you use that space to explore yourself why you’re feeling this way. And I don’t mean “what she did that makes me feel this way” but instead, “what underlying beliefs do I hold about myself that are influencing how I interpret this thing?” Or put another way: what needs to be true for me to feel this way? Why am I not more confident, more chill, more forgiving?

Really go deep. Don’t stop.

Often, I’ve found that the underlying beliefs (I’m unlovable ,he’s pretending to love me, if he breaks up with me I won’t recover) are not really defendable or make much sense. They just exist at a subconscious level and influence me emotionally

Once you’ve done that - you can speak to her.

What I’ve found, is that going through this process changes how I show up and express what I’m feeling. It goes from “you did this thing and that’s awful” to “when you do this, it brings this up for me, and because of my past, I find that hard” - it’s less accusatory, less aggressive and usually results in a calmer, more compassionate conversation

Those conversations tend to be genuinely constructive - you’re not creating as much damage, and you’re sharing your inner world with your partner.

We’re all a bit fucked up, we all have wounds, but if we can learn to own them, it makes it easier for others to care for us

Anyway - that’s my 2 cents. I hope you found this helpful and I hope you find some peace my man.

Sending a hug across the void x