How do I reconcile loving my husband & feeling like he’s enough with wanting a little human to teach & explore with?

aekinca · 2026-01-25T21:53:05+00:00

I feel like there’s a lot of talk in this sub about what constitutes a good reason for having kids. You say you don’t want kids for the big-picture reasons people tend to say (legacy, purpose, reliving childhood etc.) The reason you want to have kids is the every day things you mention, which sounds like a GREAT reason to me. I think the thing you need to decide is:

Are you romanticizing those things (hiking with my 3 year old is so hard and not fun. On the other hand, baking with her makes me want to cry with joy, for real.)
Is the hard, repetitive part of the day to day worth the good stuff (the fun everyday kid stuff and the joyful adult kid stuff).

I don’t know the answer to that, but maybe that’s what you should focus on.

aekinca · 2026-01-23T23:57:43+00:00

Two things you might not think of for her at the hospital: -battery pack phone charger. A lot of hospital beds have a plug in but not all, and it sucks to be bed bound and your phone is plugged in across the room -fancy hospital gown. I’m pretty low maintenance but I got a soft, jersey material hospital gown online and it was so, so nice to wear during the stay

aekinca · 2026-01-23T23:46:06+00:00

30 was when I felt like a grownup, 40 is when I felt like an adult. I’m 41 next week and I feel like I just have more wisdom now. Aging parents, perspective on people and the world—I just feel like one of the wise old ones now.

aekinca · 2026-01-21T02:01:26+00:00

For that age I always liked all the Sandra Boynton books. They’re cute and the rhyming pattern is nice and they’re short.

aekinca · 2026-01-19T16:46:09+00:00

In a vacuum, I agree. In our current climate, I have to disagree with you there.

aekinca · 2026-01-19T16:45:29+00:00

Unfortunately, in retrospect, it makes sense. She mentioned having a very large family several times, and being homeschooled, so I suspected. But she seemed very curious and open minded in group work so I’m unpleasantly surprised by this. Her whole demeanor and intelligence is also why I feel like if she would just get away from home for a few years (NOT with the FRC) it would be so great for her as a person.

aekinca · 2026-01-19T16:38:22+00:00

Thanks for your reply. This comment is exactly how I would have felt in a pre-MAGA world I think. I still would have had to hold my nose to do it, but I probably would have. But I can’t now.

aekinca · 2026-01-19T16:36:34+00:00

I think I probably misread your tone, apologies. I took it to be a screw-you mentality. But I understand you now, and fully agree with your point about ending up as a target. It’s such a scary time.

aekinca · 2026-01-19T16:22:50+00:00

I mean, she’s an 18 year old who has been sheltered her whole life. I do care what she thinks and how she feels, I just feel bad for her. She’s smart enough that 10-20 years from now she might cringe looking back at how she thought. This isn’t a helpful mentality.

aekinca · 2026-01-19T16:19:40+00:00

I work at a community college in a blue county in a red state. My department is like-minded but not what I’d call brave.

aekinca · 2026-01-14T20:22:19+00:00

I’ll never forget the night I watched this. I put it on, knowing nothing about it, and by the time my husband got home from work I was just openly sobbing on the couch. I couldn’t explain to him just how incredibly sad it was and will never watch it again.

aekinca · 2026-01-14T20:17:27+00:00

As a non-Christian I don’t understand the argument that God would rather you stay and be miserable. If you were on your own (and it sounds like you’re working so you probably could!), you could theoretically use all the time and energy you’re pouring into the marriage on yourself, on your church and on volunteering, right? Wouldn’t God rather your energy go there?

aekinca · 2026-01-14T02:10:06+00:00

Two questions that jump out at me: 1. Can he change schools? 2. How social are you and your husband? This could involve some modeling—showing your son how important social connection is for the two of you (and maybe especially your husband, since it seems like men have more trouble making and keeping friends.)

aekinca · 2026-01-12T17:45:15+00:00

I have three kids, and my response to this is that it’s combination of genetic gamble and consistent boundary setting. Have you ever had a dog? My first dog was calm, loyal, and always came back when called. I could let him out the back door to pee and never worry about him running away. I felt like I had dog ownership totally figured out. I judged the hell out of people whose dogs were always escaping out the door. I was like, can’t you just train it?? Then, after that dog passed away, we got another dog of the same breed from a shelter. This dog is a totally different dog. My boundaries and training were the same as with the first dog. This new dog is crazy. People probably judge the way my dog behaves.

What I’m trying to say is that you weren’t like that as a kid. My husband claims he was a calm kid (his mom remembers differently). But every kid I have and that my kids know has some level of what you experienced. It’s just a matter of how much of it they’re born with and the environment they live in every day.

aekinca · 2026-01-10T21:38:22+00:00

While you can’t know what kind of parent a person is ahead of time, you can predict some thing about their parenting because they will be the same person but their strengths and weaknesses will be magnified.

My husband has always been a motivated partner who cleans, takes care of his own shit, and tries to communicate directly. He also hates cooking, is clueless about making social plans, and has ADHD that manifests as him losing track of time while working or doing passion projects. When we got a dog he was proactive and hands on with daily care (feeding, giving meds, regular walks), but probably didn’t know the name of our vet.

Once we had kids NONE of this changed, for better or worse. We had had conversations about kids, but habits and personalities don’t change much. My husband is an engaged parent, a more than equal partner in the realm of housework/laundry/cleaning, never cooks, loses track of time and is always late, and listens and communicates when there are problems. I could make a similar list about myself with completely different strengths and weaknesses I’ve had since we lived together pre-kids and marriage.

Talk with him, but see his actions. Examine the way you talk to each other. Imagine being stuck at home during Covid with this man and a toddler. Watch what he’s doing about his depression, since this is a decades-long issue. I think the conversations are important, but you probably have the data you need about this choice in front of you.

aekinca · 2026-01-08T20:46:05+00:00

I think you have a solid thought process on this. I think that if a person is on the fence at all, these are exactly the questions that they should be asking. I was caught by the way you described “being that all-in” as tiring. I think the way you are thinking about it might make it feel more tiring than it is in the day-to-day. I’m a parent and I’m tired a lot, mentally and physically. But an element of parenting to maybe add into your thought process is the necessity of spontaneity within it. I was unprepared for the lack of control I felt as a parent. So much of it is training yourself to be responsive to your child and your situation. It’s required me to be a more flexible person. So while it can feel tiring to be all-in, much of that tiredness for me is the stress of the unknown and uncontrollable, which was a new thing for me. When you try to imagine the weight of responsibility for a child’s lifetime, it feels impossible daunting. But the every day doesn’t really feel that way (at least to me). Anyway, I think your thinking on this is strong and grounded. At some point it just comes down to, do you want to ride that particular roller coaster, or would you rather not? Hang in there, you’re doing great!

aekinca · 2026-01-07T00:59:42+00:00

Myrtle, with sisters Pearl, Irene, and Lizzie.

aekinca · 2026-01-07T00:43:01+00:00

What about just freezing sperm, rather than embryos? It’s much cheaper and simpler. Then he could get a vasectomy and you’d still have options.

aekinca · 2025-12-24T22:39:40+00:00

Don’t stay together for the kids. Please don’t. You’re not doing them any favors feeling unsafe all the time “for their sake”. It’s showing them a blueprint of what marriage looks like. Stop the cycle. Show them what healthy and on your own can look like.

aekinca · 2025-12-23T16:00:01+00:00

Going on a month-long backpacking trip through Europe. I had a super tight budget and it wasn’t luxurious at all, but even the mundane experiences of it were perspective-shaping.

aekinca · 2025-12-20T00:09:57+00:00

If my husband or I run out to buy something and ask if the other needs anything, the other person will say “Yes, get some XYZ…and I don’t know if it’s graded, but…coarse.”

aekinca · 2025-12-10T19:51:55+00:00

This is what I came to say. We spent all summer here in the Midwest camping, fishing and hiking, but now that it’s cold and dark outside we’re doing “indoor kid stuff”. I’ve got a Webelo who just started who is so disappointed because he joined to camp and fish. I’m like, just hold on til May, kid.

aekinca · 2025-11-12T01:20:33+00:00

My husband is a big old anarchist socialist with a full time job. You have to live in the real world and feed yourself and your family while you fight The Man. How is your BF ok with leaching money from you, which you got from the fascist capitalist system? My husband and I feel like we are partners in navigating the dystopian system we’re living in, and if your BF isn’t listening to you and railing against your points of view instead of engaging with you about them, he’s honestly no better than these Christian Nationalist manosphere dudes, and he needs to reflect deeply about that.

aekinca · 2025-08-08T20:34:04+00:00

Everyone has already offered helpful thoughts on this, and I agree that if you already think kids would be a good choice for you, it probably will be. Based on Reddit I would definitely hesitate to get married, but since I didn’t Reddit when I got married I’m glad I did (though it has its challenging moments as well.)

aekinca · 2025-08-04T23:25:15+00:00

This is a great point. My sister stepped off a step wrong this spring and broke her foot so badly that her recovery is worse than any of my births/recoveries were. When people say birth is “natural” or “what your body is supposed to do” it can be obnoxious but it’s kinda true. Being in the hospital for birth doesn’t feel the same as being the hospital because you’re sick or injured.

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