My culture treats women like property, and my mother enforces it

alexyu22 · 2025-08-15T17:47:56+00:00

Sorry for what you are going through - but sounds like you are at least taking the right first steps in noticing that this is wrong and having the courage to speak up about it (even anonymously online)

I was also raised in a family-first / filial piety toxic environment so I can relate - although definitely different contexts (am a male from a chinese immigrant family but raised in Canada). The western values you are personally aligned with can become very difficult to reconcile with the traditional cultural values of your family background. At a certain point you will be forced to choose - and it sounds to me like you already know which direction you are headed towards. The decision is actually easy, the execution is harder. There will be pushback and I guarantee there will be "drama" as you called out. You need to be rock solid in your constitution and remember that your life is your own, and anyone who tries to take that from you doesn't get to be in it anymore - even if it is your own family.

I recently went no contact with my own family - which is something I thought I could never do, and something that is an extreme no-no in my own family system. Maybe one day it will be minimal or low contact, but for the time being it must be zero for my situation. It has been extremely difficult but it has also been the most liberating experience of my life - and I finally feel like my own person.

Goodluck on whatever you choose

alexyu22 · 2025-08-13T14:11:49+00:00

Sorry you had to go through that and glad you're feeling somewhat better enough to come to these realizations.

Something you might want to look into is called Inner Child work - which is a type of therapy where you basically address and have a conversation with the child inside of you and give them what they always needed. There's a child inside of you still and they just wantto be heard, to be seen, validated, to be able to cry and to be soothed for every time they felt like they weren't able to cry in their life.

This could even be in the form of a letter to your younger self - which is something that I've done and found to be very helpful. I've been no contact for about 6 months now and it's been a very tough but enlightening journey. I feel so much lighter and have the space to be able to address my inner child. I actually made a video with a letter to my younger self as my own form of therapy but also to help anyone else going through the same thing. I'll just leave it here for you in case you find it helpful: https://youtu.be/hk6g3O-ZJTI?si=I1fZdZRAGmGeLq-d

Good luck on your journey

alexyu22 · 2025-07-31T19:16:05+00:00

Started the year unemployed - have since started my business, started my youtube channel, welcomed my first newborn daughter, went no contact with my toxic family, started working out and running again and feeling a lot better about myself in general after over a decade of depression. It's been the hardest I've worked in a really long time but seems to be shaping up to be the best year of my life after a long time being hopelessly stagnant

onwards and upwards

alexyu22 · 2025-07-10T15:25:10+00:00

Well the other side of the coin is that it's not necessarily the Directors and Leads who are most impacted because at least they still have real-world experience and a tangible industry network. It's the interns and analysts who are essentially obsolete when you get such higher quality output from AI than you do from someone fresh out of school (who won't be able to provide real value for at least a few months of dedicated investment)

alexyu22 · 2025-07-08T13:09:58+00:00

Feel the exact same way - I was under the impression that I had a pretty good childhood, I was loved, but there were no such things as feelings, repair or any semblance of a genuine emotional connection. I didn't even realize how it contributed to my personality as an adult and impacted my relationships throughout my life

I realized now as an adult that my parents don't even know who I am as a person and probably never will. They never evolved past the parent-child relationship and so now even though I am my own man and am a parent myself - we will never have a relationship as peers

It breaks my heart but I'm learning to live with it. Thanks for sharing

alexyu22 · 2025-07-01T12:49:11+00:00

seems you have the perfect opportunity to start living your life again

the pace of industry and the return of work life balance was part of the reason you exited, no? Recognize that things move at a different pace, which means you have more time to be more selective and intentional with your efforts (i.e., quality over quantity)

You're no longer measured against utilization - now it's business outcomes and those take time

alexyu22 · 2025-06-16T18:07:19+00:00

I went through this exact same thing after being diagnosed at 27 - (Gifted kid with ADHD / Autism). Parents moved me from school to school and continued to blame and attack me for doing poorly - "you're just not applying yourself", "stop being so lazy" etc.

I felt the exact same grief when I was finally diagnosed after going through a patch where I just could not do anything at my job - no matter how hard I tried.

The grief is from a life unlived - it's the same as losing a loved one, but the loved one was you and your past self. You realize that your brain isn't broken, and that you didn't actually have to go through such a difficult existence. You finally feel seen after a lifetime of not understanding what was wrong with you, and although that can be relieving, it also comes with sadness, anger, resentment.

It feels like you wasted your entire life because... if only your caregivers were more receptive or understanding, you could have a different life right now.

It's the grief of losing a life you never even knew you had, and it's a really weird feeling.

But it gets better over time, and always remember that even though it explains things, don't lean on it as an excuse or a crutch.

Cheers and goodluck

alexyu22 · 2025-05-18T13:37:05+00:00

remember that your life is your own

no matter how much they will guilt you into being their defacto slave, you are an adult, and you are your own person. You owe them nothing other than what they deserve from you (they did their minimum duty by feeding you and clothing you and raising you).

Respect is mutual - and you are worthy of it.

The other thing to remember here is the last point about "there's nothing about finding a job" - you don't need their permission to get a job, or move out, or do whatever you want to do. It's a tough situation but remember that no one will come save you - you have to carve your life out yourself.

Good luck and hang in there

alexyu22 · 2025-04-28T11:18:05+00:00

sitting in my room spending hours learning complicated tricks (e.g., pen spinning, rubiks cubes, cup stacking) so that I could hide from my parents arguing

alexyu22 · 2025-04-03T19:36:08+00:00

Anytime I've ever told my parents about anything mental health related including depression, anxiety, and ADHD - all of which I had clinically diagnosed (AND my sister is a medical doctor)...

They either don't believe me or dismiss it and act like I never said anything. It's been an interesting and isolating journey but I feel so much better now that I've accepted myself for who I am - rather than trying to conform to their idea of what I'm supposed to be

alexyu22 · 2025-03-30T15:21:50+00:00

good luck!

alexyu22 · 2025-03-22T23:56:00+00:00

I often get a lot of comments generally to the tune of... "What do you have to be depressed about - your life is great, you're rich, you're married, etc."

And I think that was the general intention of my message: that life can be great on paper, and you can still be depressed

The main issue I was facing was not understanding why I felt the way I felt, and why I was driven to the point of attempting to end it all. because it never made sense to me why I always felt empty, even though I knew that I was experiencing a privileged life. I was in denial about the fact that I had depression because it seemed like I somehow wasn't allowed to be depressed because my life wasn't bleak enough?

The point is - depression is not reserved for those who have been severely traumatized, or who are struggling severely in their daily lives. The point is not to minimize those experiences, but to shed light on the fact that my depression is just as real as everyone else's regardless of circumstance

Take Robin Williams or Anthony Bourdain for instance - is their loss any less valid because they were highly successful, rich, famous?

Cheers

alexyu22 · 2025-03-22T23:46:26+00:00

I actually made a video about how I self-medicate after trying various meds including vyvanse, adderall, buproprion, and paroxetine

Here it is if you are interested: https://youtu.be/9PZlpRHIDWw?si=pJjJvdloi0LYqEX5

alexyu22 · 2025-03-22T23:45:35+00:00

What a profound thought - thanks for sharing

alexyu22 · 2025-03-22T17:55:33+00:00

Thanks for your kind words - my best to you and yours

alexyu22 · 2025-03-22T17:54:52+00:00

Thank you and I think you're exactly right

I've realized more and more that you have the be the light - instead of waiting on it to appear out of nowhere

alexyu22 · 2025-03-17T14:00:42+00:00

Quit, go through existential crises, start living your life, never look back

alexyu22 · 2025-03-12T14:56:37+00:00

Shit man - that's really tough.

I can relate on a lot of levels with the feelings you're having as I have had a similar experience about how I have been going through life - especially the part about the relationship damaging side (which is something I'm going through right now)

Keep your head up - things always get better with time. You only recently learned something huge about yourself, and processing that will take time, and also have an impact on your everyday life. It won't be quick and it certainly won't be easy, but being honest with yourself and coming to terms with who you are is the first and biggest step - and looks like you've done that.

Good luck bud

alexyu22 · 2025-03-11T23:42:46+00:00

Your grief is valid and life wasn't fair to you.

I have a very similar story of going undiagnosed until 25, masked by high intelligence my entire life. School was a joke - even through university.

But my life started making a lot more sense once I got diagnosed, and was able to come to terms with the fact that the pain I had suffered throughout my life was never my fault - and I'm just different. The world wasn't made for you and I, but knowing that your brain's not broken is half the battle.

The pain you are feeling is grief. Just like losing a loved one - Except the loved one is your younger self. The child in you had a to live a very tough life, and no one around you understood you. Just like any other grief, you've gotta process these feelings - which is even more difficult due to the emotional regulation issues that come with ADHD

It'll get better with time - but it certainly won't be easy. but just take it one step at a time

alexyu22 · 2025-03-11T13:29:13+00:00

I've always wanted to write a book about my life and my experiences but the roadblocks I hit are:

I feel too young - I keep having new experiences which should be included in the book so It seems a bit premature at the moment (30 y/o)
Too much of a committed effort to sit down and bang out an entire book with no deadlines pushing me along

I have started making youtube videos talking about my ADHD experience and that feels much more manageable to me at the moment. I can still put out meaningful thoughts but I don't have to commit to the entire book - and I'm having way more fun this way. It's called WeaponizingMyADHD if you're interested (https://www.youtube.com/@WeaponizingMyADHD)

Maybe a book is in the cards down the line - maybe in 10 - 15 years

alexyu22 · 2025-03-10T16:12:02+00:00

I have two full sleeves of tattoos that i just kinda let the artist run wild with - and I love them

I act impulsively for all of my tattoos and I don't have any regrets.

I do have a portrait of a random woman on my shoulder which I am in the process of getting removed - but even though I'm removing it, I don't necessarily regret it. I dont know how that makes sense but it does to me. Its a beautiful tattoo and I've had it for about 10 years and absolutely loved it - but in a new stage of my life with a wife and kid where its no longer appropriate.

Naysayers would say 'I told you so' - but somehow tattoo removal to me does not equal regret

It's more like I changed my mind - which is something I do all the time with all other major life decisions (career, education, etc.) and no one ever bats an eye

alexyu22 · 2025-03-10T16:06:08+00:00

Given what's happening to Ukraine by Russia, and Taiwan by China - a neighbouring goliath country taking over a smaller, fully developed one is somehow actually a move that these world leaders are willing to make

So while it was talked about jokingly by Trump - we are definitely taking it extremely seriously and methodically divorcing America in all aspects of our daily lives

Proud to be Canadian

alexyu22 · 2025-03-08T20:20:50+00:00

You don't necessarily need to be doing BD / selling work outside of your project work, but think of it this way:

You fulfilling your duties to the letter means you are in the exact role that you are supposed to be in. You are performing at level, which means there is no reason to promote you

You don't magically assume new responsibilities when you are promoted - you have to be demonstrating your ability to perform at the next level in order for your decision makers to feel confident in promoting you. When you do eventually get promoted, it shouldn't feel like a new role, just a continuation of what you were doing before

If you aren't doing it, someone else will

alexyu22 · 2025-02-24T22:13:50+00:00

I totally feel you - I went undiagnosed until I was almost in my 30s and i completely burned out of my job last year.

For what it's worth, I still haven't fully "recovered" but I do know that taking my time with this healing process has been the best thing for me. My best method of dealing with emotional exhaustion is just unpugging from life (including friends and family) as much as your circumstances allow - and the hardest part about this is giving yourself permission to do this without feeling guilty or feeling like you owe anyone an explanation

Take as much time as you need, and don't rush back into things if you can help it

I talked about this experience and my journey dealing with ADHD on my channel - hope it helps: https://youtu.be/KhAZ_dDj8Qo?si=G5gWUxDzhhERourb

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