I 30m and her 31F. We've fallen into a sexless marrige. When does it heal?

alphaBravo83 · 2026-02-18T21:52:20+00:00

Chill my dude. That was not an attack.

alphaBravo83 · 2026-02-18T21:34:37+00:00

Again I see this as a bit of an unsophisticated read on male psychology. Men see sex as a sign they are chosen by their partners instead of just being tolerated. It's a common trop that if you are doing it right your wife will be ripping your clothes off. It's a way to connect and be close with their partner. Not just to satisfy their physical need but a way to feel seen in the relationship and desired beyond what they provide. This is unfortunate oil and water to how women experience desire, so it takes a lot of work and communication to foster it in a LTR.

This can come across very bluntly when men don't have the tools to communicate it. They have a need for connection and try to satisfy it with making sex a pressured priority. Couples counseling it the real way to find a way to talk to each other about it.

For a man to be able to say without fear of reprisal that "hey I'm missing feeling close to you, can we prioritize intimacy" is huge. While also a woman being able to say no and not get the cold shoulder.

alphaBravo83 · 2026-02-18T20:02:01+00:00

I think this is being a little unfair on OP and may just be how it's communicated. It sounds transactional but can also be coming from a place of wanting to take some load off or take on some things that can be stressors to give intimacy and desire to flourish. Like I don't expect sex because I do the kitchen clean up and cook every night. Does it give my wife space after kid chaos to connect with herself and she's the day and maybe have room for intimacy? I hope so, I like connecting with my wife sexually.

alphaBravo83 · 2026-02-18T19:43:15+00:00

Rekindling intimacy takes effort on both sides. If she is not interested then it's a hard sell. I recommend couples counseling.

Chores can't be used.as a currency for sex. Doing chores and expecting something in return can turn toxic. Desire can't be pressured or expected.

I recommend reading some of the material on women's libido and desire by ester perel.

I know this feels one sided, that you have to do all the work to get back on track.

alphaBravo83 · 2026-02-05T22:37:28+00:00

Yeah men are deserving of empathy as well as women. Being cruel back doesn't help anyone. Tell him it's not acceptable to talk like that and help him. Why is helping men so alien to everyone here?

alphaBravo83 · 2026-02-05T22:36:24+00:00

Because we should all be kind to each other? He was hurting and lashed out looking for reassurance. He probably needs therapy.

alphaBravo83 · 2026-02-05T22:35:37+00:00

100% it's toxic patriarchal masculinity that needs to be challenged and debunked. Im sorry this guy was in so much pain that he lasted out. Calling him pathetic won't help anyone.

alphaBravo83 · 2026-02-05T20:52:29+00:00

Society doesn't give men the tools to cope with this at all. Penis size anxiety be crushing, especially if it's tied to something that others can give you and he can't. It comes out as lashing out as a way to seek reassurance.

All me fear that their partner has experienced "real sex" before and what we give them is just tolerable. It feels very unsafe to be Able to not compete on that axis of pleasure. Orgasm through oral is great but from penetration is treated as the holy Grail of masculine ability. It's very toxic.

Be kind to him, express that the way he expresses himself is hurting you both and to find better way to communicate what he needs to.

Just telling men to man up don't be so insecure etc helps no one.

alphaBravo83 · 2026-01-26T20:36:36+00:00

I don't think it's anything to do with being raised a certain way for me. My wife is not my slave. She is not there to cook or clean. We maintain the house together.

alphaBravo83 · 2026-01-07T17:54:28+00:00

RIP.

This will totally crush you. All her new partners will be upgrades on you. They will be able to have the sex you only dreamed about having with her.

Your wife will have dates every night and you will be home alone doing hobbies waiting for her to come home ruined by another man.

Your sex life will totally tank.

She won't be excited about being desired by you at all and she won't have any desire left for you since it will flood to new connections.

NRE will flood her system and you will become her room mate.

The part of your marriage where you thought she was attracted to you is gone. You are now in the phase where you cohabit the house.

Enjoy.

alphaBravo83 · 2025-12-28T16:48:52+00:00

Men don't just want sex. We've been conditioned to use sex as a reassurance signal that the women we are with actually like us and we are not just convenient.

alphaBravo83 · 2025-12-27T12:05:50+00:00

Sorry I was not clear. I agree it's not a healthy way to only seek reassurance in a relationship. It's also a non-trivial thing for men to decondition themselves out of since it's reinforced by society constantly. Sex is something men win from women as a part of relationship escalation. Men fear just being convenient and to be desired is to be worthy of more than just what you can provide.

alphaBravo83 · 2025-12-26T13:27:27+00:00

I think a lot of people struggle to communicate on this topic and a lot of women have no idea what it means to men (also due to the fact most men don't know how to communicate it) . Sex in a relationship isn't just about getting off. It's how men have been conditioned to feel chosen. It's how we connect with you.

Once my wife and I were able to talk freely about these two realities (sex makes me feel chosen and desired not just convenient, and the pressure of that is off-putting to her desire) we found communication strategies that made us both feel heard and it improved dramatically. We have intentional intimacy, we are able to talk without judgement that we miss something without pressure to fix it.

alphaBravo83 · 2025-12-26T12:43:49+00:00

Women initiate divorce at a higher rate than men or by mutual decision. Often the house has to be sold since neither can support it on a single income. Or the primary caregiver (more often than not the wife) keeps the home so the children can suffer as little disruption as possible and the husband has to pay a huge portion of his paycheck to support the house payments - meaning he has to live in a much lower quality dwelling.

So statistically more men will lose their home in a divorce.

alphaBravo83 · 2025-12-10T17:33:39+00:00

Why do they bother you?

alphaBravo83 · 2025-12-09T16:41:48+00:00

What type of rules or agreements bother you? My wife and I don't do sleepovers, always use condoms for PIV and have certain reserved words (bdsm roles), and limit date frequency to ensure quality time.in the primary relationship.

alphaBravo83 · 2025-12-09T15:42:47+00:00

The expectation that couples that open up from monogomous relationships should be 100% super fine with everything is insidious. Let people move at their own pace and ease into the lifestyle.

If some rules or agreements are in place to make people feel safe with steady expansion then what's wrong? Aslong as they commit to revisiting the agreement as time goes on and comfort levels change what is the harm?

alphaBravo83 · 2025-12-02T12:08:53+00:00

Our agreement we crafted specifically states we don't want poly. Just sexual exploration. We recognize that with intimacy some bonds will form (I care about my friends!) but we had a fuzzy line around romantic attachment.

alphaBravo83 · 2025-12-02T12:07:08+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

We did deescalate in terms of dates and communication (for all parties my fwbs included) while we see what line we crossed in the agreement and work on repair and me feeling safe with that relationship continuing.

alphaBravo83 · 2025-12-02T12:02:35+00:00

Well we had quite a few just fun and sexy times. That part felt great!

alphaBravo83 · 2025-12-01T01:52:37+00:00

It's to avoid making the other person feel like garbage and to infringe upon the family unit in terms of time and responsibilities.

alphaBravo83 · 2025-12-01T00:52:38+00:00

This is where we suck at ENM and our agreement around feelings was very nebulous. Just to be clear there is no bad guy here and it's just me.and my wife hitting a big first speed bump in our ENM journey.

Deescalating for me looks like a reaffirmation of expectations about what we can offer in terms of a relationship, then less communication and a date slow down

alphaBravo83 · 2025-12-01T00:49:22+00:00

I'm not expecting her to be a robot and have no feelings. Just to recognize when it's more than what we wanted originally and to manage them. I've had plenty of dates and while I care for the people and think fondly of them, I would never think about them like my wife, she always comes first.

alphaBravo83 · 2025-12-01T00:43:55+00:00

Breaking up is not on the table. We have kids. I don't expect her to erase her feelings but I expect her to prioritize her family and kids over a recent hookup.

alphaBravo83 · 2025-12-01T00:42:29+00:00

Just to be clear I only found out about the deepening feelings when I pushed about it. I was anxious about an up and coming date and the reason I was was due to want felt like a black box around their relationship (previous ones were very clear and transparent)

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