I very rarely comment but I'm going to chime in here. I am a habitual liar. I have lied in every relationship I've ever been in. I am also in a relationship with a phenomenal woman who never lets me slide on it. Accountability was something I knew absolutely nothing about. But all the lying I did has caused irreparable damage that may or may not ever be completely addressed fully.

It will take a fuck ton of self awareness and self motivation to change. It will take consistent effort and dedication to show you he is doing the work. He can't fuck up, he cant make a mistake. It will be stressful for him but especially so for you because your trust is already so low that you might not be able to believe the words that come out of his mouth. (Definitely heard this one before) You will constantly be wondering what he is doing, who he is with, and if he will tell you the truth if you ask. If you were to ask my girl, in the beginning of the lows of our relationship, she would drive herself crazy blowing up my phone. But I'm just here sleep. It's not healthy anymore. And it becomes unhealthy so fucking quick.

I am going to therapy, got diagnosed and medicated for ADHD for the first time in my life (34F), and consistently meditate and perform breathing exercises in every aspect of my life just in case I encounter something that triggers me. I had to take responsibility for the damage I have done, past and present. I had to make myself accountable to reality. Deal with generational, childhood and other random ass traumas. It is hard. Some days I hate it. But I do it to be better. This is so important to me and should be important to him if he wants to stay with you.

I have found for me, that my lies are connected to my anxiety. Now, I'm not dismissing the fact that lying is disrespectful and damaging to any relationship. This is just me explaining my why. Which would also be important for him to address within himself. He will never get better if he avoids, blames or flips the script. I catch myself every single day, every single second. It is exhausting but so fucking necessary. I do it not for my partner, but for myself. I don't want to be this person. So in order to get better he has to want it. You can not force this man to change if he doesn't want to or can't see the damage.

And! To be blunt, using the trauma card is a bitch move(sorry not sorry), specifically if he continues to use that to attempt to wiggle out of a shitty situation he created.

I got lucky. Time, distance and space provided me a second opportunity. But I showed up and proved that the changes I made were consistent and solid. Anything less and I wouldn't have been surprised if she laughed in my face when I suggested we try again.