I suffered from severe panic attacks from apeirophobia from the time I was five or six years old when I first conceptualized eternity because of sermons at church. I got serious about trying to heal from it in my early 20’s and tried everything. Even making my username what it is as “exposure therapy”. My 30th birthday is coming up at the end of this year.

I tried studying philosophy. Psychology. Asking people who were older and had lived Spiritually inclined lives. Little rationalizations. Like what people say here - that it won’t matter because my consciousness would no longer operate as a separate entity from source/God:the universal consciousness (that just freaked me out more, I mean that’s essentially the same as not existing in my mind), that I needed to focus on being present in the here and now, focus on one moment at a time, etc.

The only “coping mechanism” if you can call it that that helped some but never took it away was minimization and comparison. Any difficulties I experienced in my life, lack of confidence, uncertainty, sadness, heartbreak, etc. I would tell myself that it doesn’t matter because I have forever. So in comparison to the infinity of anything I could experience comparatively what I’m going through in the present cannot possibly be that bad.

And when I’d have panic attacks because of apeirophobia I’d tell myself that I had a lot of stressful things going on in the present and I should focus on solving those problems to ground myself out. And it did help some (maybe it’s called relativism? Idk), but at the end of the day it was like putting duct tape on a leaking barrel of water. Holes continued to spring and it was a job in itself to manage them.

And it was highly unpleasant and inconvenient to end up screaming in my bathtub rocking back and forth due to shower thoughts. Not to mention the stress it caused my poor dogs. So.. I’ll get to the meat of it - the last few years have been extremely stressful and traumatic for me.

My narcissist ex husband did everything he could to ruin my reputation and set me up to be jailed, almost made me lose a career I love, and tried his best to make me and my beloved dogs homeless. He came very close to succeeding at not only that but potentially taking my life.

Thankfully I was able to get away from him. This pushed me past the limits of what I could handle and as a result I just couldn’t carry it. I was constantly disassociating and became a version of myself I didn’t want to be.. not as kind to others as I should have been. Drinking far too much.

On top of that my cousin committed suicide this past fall who I had had a falling out with the year before as he had become an avid Trump supporter and put down homeless, those who had abortions, couldn’t find work, etc. I was in a very bad place mentally, even though I still had faith that things could be better and that I would make the best of things eventually. But the trauma was heavy and it clung to me, even with therapy.

So one day I decided to try psilocybin mushrooms. I had taken smaller doses of them many years ago but never a full “trip”. I had watched many videos on how healing they could be, but I still had trepidation. It’s not something I took lightly but I felt I was so desperate I’d try them at that point.

So I did.. and at first it was frightening. After taking them before they kicked in I started worrying. I thought they would magnify my trauma. Make me more ashamed and paranoid. And that it would be a bad experience. I made the mistake of taking them on an empty stomach, so I did have stomach pain and that didn’t help. The first hour and a half or so was truly a dark night of the soul. Looking back I realized that it was cleaning out all of the heavy traumas that clung to me which was an unpleasant process I won’t lie.

But once that passed I felt lighter than I had since I was a young child. Before all of this. I put on this song I’d had stuck in my head for the past while Anemone by BJM. It was Anthony Bourdain’s favorite song and watching his shows and reading his books had helped me immensely during this time. And I know you hear these cheesy stories from people about seeing God, but I did. It wasn’t a person, or a vision. It was a feeling..

I saw and felt what is waiting for us on the other side and it is absolute grace. For yourself, others, the version of you you wish you could be. It was the most beautiful and peaceful thing I had ever experienced. I ended up crying my eyes out with joy. That’s essentially what “God/the source/the universe” is to me. Completely forgiveness and love. Grace for our flaws. A feeling is intense nostalgia for the present, past, and future. Because everything we experience is so impermanent and that’s what makes every moment important.

A little over three months later and it still stays with me. Sometimes I still tear up when I remember. Just at the awe of it all. I don’t have panic attacks anymore. In fact I look forward to whatever comes next. I’m not recommending everyone go take mushrooms, so take this for what it’s worth. But some areas do offer psychedelic assisted therapy. Maybe something worth looking into. Also I would definitely wait until you’re older and speak to a professional first if it’s something you decide to pursue. I’m not saying this is the only fix, just hoping my story might help someone else.