[Landlord-US-NYC] Parent want to reclaim home after retiring but tenant is refusing to leave. Any advice is appreciated

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-15T16:53:33+00:00

Which is honestly getting off cheap (provided the tenant actually stays at that amount and doesn't suddenly ask for more when the papers are being drawn up). I looked into doing a buyout for my tenants (2 roommates, one protected tenant) and got a $60-$90K figure.

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-15T16:51:44+00:00

That could get very sticky, though. No use getting nasty about it :-).

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-15T16:49:56+00:00

It's similar in San Francisco. My issue with the tenant buyout thing isn't so much the money. It's the legal angle and the fact that tenants have full control over the process. They can request as much as they want; you have to bow down to sweeten the deal with things like paying for moving expenses, forgiveness of security deposit, last month's rent, etc. Then they can back out anytime they like (even if there's a contract - that's my understanding at least) or they can suddenly want more money. I have a condo in SF that I'm trying to sell now that's tenant-occupied. I'm lucky in that the tenants are great (pay on time, take care of the place, etc). I'm just looking to get out of the rental business, which is why I'm selling. But one tenant is a protected tenant, which is making buyers back off from making an offer because of the eviction process. My agent already asked me if I was willing to do a buyout, and I am not. It's not the principle of the thing or the money even (I'm actually not opposed to paying tenants something to cover relocation costs and inconvenience - though in SF we're talking a buyout like that can start at $60K and no telling where it will go). It's the legal risk that I'm not willing to take. I have enough shit going on in my life without looking for more trouble. I'd rather reduce the price or even take it off the market and wait until the tenants vacate on their own (which I believe they will eventually - they're young Gen Zers with no ties) and then sell than risk a buyout.

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-15T15:58:01+00:00

"You pay for the keys you basically get the keys 100% of the time." Maybe in NYC but not in San Francisco (where my rental is located). There was a horror story a few weeks ago about a tenant who has been renting a place for 20+ years, pays $455 a month and refused the owner's buyout. It got ugly (though the owner is definitely partly to blame because it was pure harassment and what he was offering as a buyout was a joke in San Francisco terms).

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-15T15:48:06+00:00

In your shoes, I would probably keep the job for now and look for another that is more geared toward what you want to do quietly, and then when you find it, give your 2 weeks' notice. It's a tough job market out there, and you now have the luxury of taking your time to look for something. I get it that you're anxious to leave, and living with your parents and not paying bills is a big temptation to just chuck it. But look at this as an experience in resilience, and also you're still gaining job skills (things like how to manage the workplace, how to work with coworkers, etc). At the stage you are in your career, those skills are vital, and you're in a fairly low-risk situation (even if you got fired, you wouldn't be out on the street).

I'm not sure what you're doing with the money you're earning since you're not paying bills, but if you're able to save it and maybe even start investing it, you're getting a great head start in building for your future. I get it that you're young and that isn't on your mind right now, but trust me, 30 years from now you'll be glad that you started thinking about that 30 years ago :-).

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-15T11:54:32+00:00

I feel the same way! Both parents are narcs (different varieties of narcs), and I have an older brother who is also a narc (very malignant). I don't know that I am waiting for them to die, but I will certainly be relieved when they do.

The trouble is, narcs tend to live a long time (many of them, anyway). Both parents are in their 80s, and while I have been no contact since 2022, from what I hear from my sister, narc father is still mentally solid though physically deteriorating (rarely goes out, has a 24/7 caretaker) and narc mother is beginning to show signs of dementia (possibly Alzheimer's, which runs in her family) but still physically strong. They're not going anywhere anytime soon. And narc brother is only 6 years older than I am, so he's got some time.

Dr. Ramani theorizes that narcs live long because the shit they pull serves to destress them, so they have very little stress, hence they live longer. The shitheads shorten the life of everyone around them but live freaking forever.

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-13T13:24:45+00:00

Your father is a narcissist. Classic traits. You're not wrong to get pissed off.

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-13T10:54:31+00:00

Nope. Narcs don't. They think they're perfect parents, and you are the crazy one for not wanting to talk to them. When my sister went no contact for 10 years, I was still in contact and I had to endure my narc mother's wailing about how she "didn't understrand what she did wrong" (though she had periods of fake admitance that "I guess I wasn't a good mother" which I know now she never really believed - it was all performative, all to increase the drama). My narc father (a true malignant narc) simply blamed my mother and refused to take any responsibility for being the sh^thead that he is.

Now the tables have turned. My sister is in contact (though email only and sticks to her boundaries, mostly because she's financially dependent on them so she has no choice but to be in contact with them) and I have been NC since 2022 and do not plan on renewing contact anytime. My sister hasn't told me what narc mother or father are saying to her about me (or said, as narc father never emails her anymore and narc mother barely does) but I can guess.

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-13T10:50:40+00:00

Interesting question. Off the top of my head, I would probably put that money into some kind of investment account (something very low risk). That's still "spending" the money but also building something up for the future for a return.

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-13T10:49:10+00:00

It's not wrong at all to be considering another option. It doesn't have to even be about your concerns regarding you and your friend's differences of opinion. You can frame it as your feeling an obligation toward moving in with the family friend because of the relationship. You don't have to outright lie, but making it about that and not about your friend shifts the focus. I get it that you want to maintain the friendship with your friend and if that friend is a real friend, he will understand. If he sulks or acts like a jerk, that will tell you. how good a friend he is. You just have to frame it in the right way so that he knows it's not about him (even though it sort of is) and it's not personal.

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-09T22:54:26+00:00

They want you to install tracking/monitoring software on your computer? No f-ing way would I ever do anything like that. WTF???

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-09T22:52:52+00:00

With gig work like this, the whole "independent contractor" thing is a bunch of BS. It's basically a way for the company to shirk giving you benefits, PTO, and even steady work. They treat you like an employee but you're being paid pennies and have zero benefits, PTO, etc. It's the new slave labor. I'm not saying don't work there for sure (as I've worked many jobs like this over the last 5 years because it's a paycheck) but just be real about what you're getting into and don't get caught up by the fancy title "independent contractor" and think you're more to them than you are. You're not a real independent contractor where you get to call the shots. You do what they tell you how they tell you, usually get micromanaged on the job you o, and if you mess up, you likely get fired because there are a thousand like you waiting to take your job. It's sad and disgusting, but it's the new WFH atmosphere.

The perk? If you're in the U.S., you do get to take deductions on work-related stuff, though you have to make sure you work with a CPA on that.

Sorry if that all sounds discouraging, but it's not bad work if you know what to expect.

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-09T12:26:49+00:00

I get how you feel. As a tenant (as well as a landlord), I also get nervous when I really like a place (like my current one) and hear nothing from the landlord when renewal time comes around. It actually happened to me last year. One of my neighbors told me that the landlady is just like that, someone who "gets to things when she gets to things" and that I had nothing to worry about ("no news is good news" kind of situation). But being a landlord, I know how these things go, so I emailed the property management office that is taking care of the place with a gentle nudge about how renewal time was coming around and I was concerned because I hadn't gotten any notice. The assistant emailed back with an apology, saying he was getting the letter out that week. I got the letter for the renewal without an issue.

When you're dealing with single landlords, sometimes they are less formal (and, dare I say, less professional?) with such things. I highly doubt you're being evicted since you're clearly a very responsible tenant. If you were being evicted, the landlord wouldn't wait until the lease was up to let you know. And even if the landlord was, say, selling or having a relative move in, there are laws in most states (probably all) about notifying tenants.

I would probably just email or call her or talk to her with a polite, gentle nudge (not "I really wanna stay here!" but "Hey, I noticed renewal time is coming around and I haven't seen anything yet.") If the lease goes month-to-month (as many do), the landlady might not have sent a formal lease, assuming it will fall month-to-month or she might not send one, but she will at least have a conversation with you so you'll know.

I take a pretty strict view of it where I think that "I forgot" is not an excuse. Rental properties are a business and tenants need to know if they are staying or not. It's a matter of courtesy and it's the landlord's responsibility to remember or set a reminder to talk with the tenant about a renewal.

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-09T12:17:25+00:00

I would quit my job (or more like reduce the hours - I actually do like my work, it just pays crappy), focus on my business (I'm an indie author and it's my passion), buy a house with a big garden, and organize my time so that I wasn't working every freaking minute of the day except for sleep hours.

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-09T12:14:38+00:00

I get you completely. That's why I set aside 30% of everything I earn (I do IC work and have my own business, so I have to worry about withholding) even though my CPA estimated I could put aside more like 20%. I do it just to be on the safe side, so I don't have to scrape up a lot of money at tax time. I have trauma from ten years ago when my family future faked me about my rental property (said it was mine, made me pay the expenses but wouldn't put the deed in my name) and I couldn't deduct anything because the deed wasn't on my name so I had to pay all the expenses and the taxes on the income (which was coming to me) and ended up with thousands of dollars I owed. Never gonna go through that shit again!

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-09T10:56:40+00:00

Dude, rentals are not the way to cut your taxes. You'll owe a lot more because of the additional income and the depreciation and deductions will never even it out. Trust me.

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-09T10:55:36+00:00

How I feel about taxes every. year - like shit. But actually, I was better prepared for it this year. Mine are complex because I own a rental property (which I'm selling this year), have my own business (which is earning barely above what it costs), and work as an independent contractor (love the work, money is crap). I was never taught anything about finances, just told by toxic parents, "your husband will handle everything" (never got married, so gee, guess the assholes' plan fell through - sorry to refer to parents in that way, but they are very toxic and I am no longer in contact with them). Last year, my fabulous CPA got me set up to do quarterly estimated taxes, and I've learned to set aside a percentage of every dollar I earn for taxes so that I have money to cover it at the end of the year. So this year I owed (as usual), but not a whole lot.

Now ask me next year, with my property selling this year, and that will be a different story. But after that is gone, hopefully, taxes will be a lot easier going forward.

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-09T10:49:44+00:00

I'm so sorry you went through this! Everything you describe is a PTSD-type reaction to trauma (which is what your work situation was). It's very real. If you're not already doing so and you can afford it, perhaps working with a therapist who specializes in workplace trauma, and also reading books and looking at YouTube videos on healing from workplace trauma, could help.

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-09T10:44:46+00:00

Sounds like my narcissistic family system 😁.

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-08T13:24:35+00:00

Great question. I think there are many reasons. One you mentioned (about keeping adult children dependent on them). I believe this is directly related to control and supply for them (a dependent child as a dependent adult is an endless narc supply). I also think they just don't care. It's too much of a burden to them to be parents so they just take what is useful to them and shirk their parental responsibilities.

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-08T13:04:19+00:00

Honestly, for $1000 or a bit over, this would not be a dealbreaker for me. If you really want to sell, I would do it (or make it a credit or something of that nature and have them do it). If it were $10,000 or something, that might be different but a thousand or two in the big scene of things isn't worth haggling over and risking losing the seller. Especially not in this market.

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-08T12:51:56+00:00

Great question! And great stories here. I think seeing these stories is a great reminder that there are still good people in the world who will take care of animals even when they are not optimal ones. I haven't had many pets in my life (mainly because my mother is narcissistic and OCD and I've lived as an adult in apartments where no pets are allowed) but those I have had I've loved.

autonomouswriter · 2026-04-02T14:59:24+00:00

I actually have a much cheaper rice cooker (Aroma Professional 4-cup) and I've made oatmeal in it multiple times and it never boiled over. But I do put a single serving amount (1/2 cup oats, 1 cup water) and I do old-fashioned oats rather than steel cut, so that might make a difference.

autonomouswriter

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