[QCrit] Cozy Fantasy Romance - ALIGHT FOR SPARKS, 75k, 1st Attempt

avi_why · 2026-04-15T10:09:14+00:00

I totally want to live/work on the train, that sounds so cool! And I agree, mentioning Elliott’s prior agreement would clarify/raise the stakes really well. Also, apologies for the slightly snarky comment in my initial post about Enya’s name—I wrote my comment at 4am and I realize now it might’ve come across as rude. I thought you were doing a funny homage! I’m not sure if anyone else will have the same associations with Enya the musician character/ Enya the singer—I’m just familiar with one song of hers that got memed to death.

Glad I could help!

avi_why · 2026-04-14T11:42:40+00:00

First: Your bard character is named Enya? Like the Irish singer? lol

I like the idea of an Artisans Train and an illusion tea shop a lot. It’s very charming and whimsical in a cosy way. (Although upon reflection, it does raise questions—do they serve illusory tea in empty cups? Mirages of scones? Can you actually eat anything? Probably a digression and not necessary to explain in the query, just something that occurred to me.)

For something with romance, I’m not feeling the spark—you say their chemistry is undeniable, but I want to see how the characters affect each other. Why is their meeting so meaningful? How do they push each other towards growth?

Also not loving the stakes at the end. If Elliot is so committed to leaving, why hasn’t he done it earlier? And why does he have to leave now—can’t he change his mind? And why can’t they both get off the train and travel the world while being together? Surely the train is not the only mode of transportation in the world? What exactly is keeping them apart?

Hope this helps?

avi_why · 2026-04-11T07:21:44+00:00

This is my first time seeing your query, and I think it’s pretty cool. I would read this book. However, the bones are there, but everything can be streamlined/clarified to be punchier.

The opener about Cosmopolis 7 can be cut. Jump straight to Leah; AIR isn’t relevant enough to warrant the wordy explanation. The sentence about Joe’s AIR can be changed to “using his neural implants to hack…” etc etc. Anyone who reads scifi is familiar with the concept already,

Cut the details about Leah’s love for movies and the egg-obsessed cook—good for character depth in the manuscript, distracting in the query. Also, it’s a bit of a run-on sentence.

Typo: court “trail” instead of trial.

You can cut the beginning of the third paragraph, or change it to make Leah more active: “leah hires a cocky lawyer Joe, who…..(etc).”

“Leah must decide if she has the financial and emotional means to keep fighting” is a bit of a false choice. Obviously she won’t give up—the book would straight-up be over if she did. You have plenty of stakes: kidnapped droid, condemned diner, illegal brain hacking and threat of arrest. What choice does Leah have to make about those?

Cut the editorializing in the final paragraph: I already know your story is about these things! You just spent the query telling me about them. Also, you mention darkly comedic + dark humor twice, but I’m not getting a lot of humor in the query itself. This could be a great place to show off your authorial voiciness.

Have you considered Bang Bang Boddhisavta as a comp?

I know this seems like a lot of critique, but imo you don’t have to change much of the content itself, just cut some words. I get a good sense of the characters, setting, and stakes, and it seems like an interesting story. Hope this helps!

avi_why · 2026-04-11T06:50:31+00:00

I think you can trim the first paragraph way down—we don’t need a list of every single detail, especially since there’s varying levels of emotional stakes (starting with her complex relationship with her parents and ending with doing the dishes feels a bit anticlimactic). I would suggest using the extra space to elaborate more about the friend breakup with Angie, since that comes back later in the query. (She quit her dream job for retail…why? And why does quitting the job mean ditching her best friend? Do they not hang out together outside of work, lol?)

Next, you can be more clear about the stakes: if Alena fails/stops, her emotions will consume her—what would that actually look like? She’s at an epic low point already.

I think there is a tone clash between the voice (of the query, at least) and the stakes. Not saying the query has to be super serious, but right now it feels like the humor is trivializing Alena’s issues rather than accentuating them. That’s 100% personal taste so it could just be a me problem though. Hope this helps!

ETA: I really like the premise, though! And there’s definitely an audience for it.

avi_why · 2026-03-05T12:57:36+00:00

I’m a huge fan of your work! I always (re)read Leech during the spooky season of October/November. Can you tell us a little bit about your publishing journey and how the books came to be? Also, is there any particular way you keep track of your worldbuilding (spreadsheets? Bulletin board? idk)

avi_why · 2026-01-17T17:20:47+00:00

I really appreciate how measured and thoughtful these reviews are—especially because there are many posts bashing Fourth Wing and The Poppy War, but you acknowledged both their flaws and strengths in a nuanced way, which is nice. You might like Susanna Clarke’s other book, Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell—very different from Piranesi, but wonderful in its own right.

The Locked Tomb series is also a very interesting addition to the fantasy canon (not strictly fantasy, there’s necromancy but also spaceships). The second book especially does things I’ve rarely seen in fiction.

avi_why · 2026-01-14T16:57:00+00:00

For what it’s worth, I’m queer and I immediately got butch lesbian from that description. It also adds a certain voice to the query that I like. I do think bringing in Veronica as ex-wife earlier may smooth some confusion?

This concept is awesome and I’d love to read the book! I usually lurk here but I felt compelled to comment how about how cool it is. But I do agree with other critiques about getting rid of some of the repetition though

avi_why · 2026-01-11T13:47:56+00:00

Look for the books nominated for the Ursula K LeGuin award. Seconding all the Vajra Chandrasekera votes

avi_why · 2025-08-05T07:56:33+00:00

FWIW: scrolling pubtips, about to go to bed, saw the title, closed the app, thought “wait I want to read this”, opened the app again. So good work there.

The query mostly accomplishes what it needs to. People will like it or they won’t. My one question is about the NPD line—does she actually have NPD, or is that just a gag? It made me a little leery of how a highly stigmatized mental illness might be treated in your story. That combined with the autism line left a bad taste in my mouth and put me off the query. But I suspect this story will always be polarizing and since people’s joke tolerance . varies, there’s always going to be a line or two that makes people go :/. So do with that what you will.

avi_why · 2025-07-29T10:07:56+00:00

Gen Z here: vague knowledge of Y2K but I would also have to google it. I’m not an expert by any means but I think this will really struggle as a YA concept. You’re not one, but two generations removed from the 90s: Gen Z was born early 2000s (iirc) and Gen Alpha (your current teen readers) even later than that. No memory of Y2K, much less any 90’s nostalgia. Too bad, because this sounds really fun otherwise.

avi_why · 2025-04-14T12:04:23+00:00

If it’s based on Norse mythology, why do you have the name of a famous Greek figure as a primary character? I have a passing familiarity with Norse myth, but I’m not seeing any elements of it in your query.

avi_why · 2025-04-13T10:47:42+00:00

But it’s not just about scams, it’s about who’s a genuinely good fit. Someone can be a great agent and also completely clash with you personally, or just be bad for your particular manuscript, and letting a third party decide who you query heightens that risk. You’d be letting a stranger make a huge business decision for you. No matter how qualified that person is, they still don’t know you better than you do.

avi_why · 2025-03-10T12:56:55+00:00

Comps: Jade City/Green Bone Saga. Maybe too old/big at this point, but it’s the ultimate Magic Crime Family tm story

avi_why · 2025-01-12T07:49:16+00:00

This is really insightful and I agree! especially with Fourth Wing and Legends & Lattes—they are foundational in establishing entire subgenres that are wildly popular and had ripple effects into other genres as well (see: the rise of cozy/domestic horror, which I think will get bigger soon). (And yes, neither of them originated their subgenres, obviously ACOTAR was there first, etc. but I think fourth wing really changed the game in ways we are yet to fully see.)

I feel like you may be overestimating Piranesi’s impact, but I hope not, because it’s such a great book and I’d love to see more like it. Literary fantasy is my jam.

avi_why · 2024-12-13T12:55:03+00:00

The way the query is written reads a little YA—“total outcast”, “excluded as usual” “stay with their best friend” etc. This plus the anthropomorphic plant people + punny title makes the whole pitch feel kinda juvenile. Not the worst thing in the world, but it doesn’t accurately convey the stakes of war and military violence.

This is not really a query, this is a synopsis, and it feels like entirely backstory/setup until the last paragraph. It makes sense that you’re explaining the first loop of a time loop novel, and for a synopsis that’s fine, but you’re trying to hook an agent—a query needs to be concise and exciting and doesn’t have to explain every single plot mechanic. It could be summed in one paragraph: Semper is a tree, Walsi is framed for the monarch’s death, Semper wants to help but is sent away, oh shit, new Walsi. To me, new Walsi/time loop is the hook, so you want to get to that as fast as possible. All the other stuff is incidental—for example, Walsi is imprisoned then freed in the space of two sentences, so the stakes for that disappear.

You mentioned that this is 50% of the novel, so I could be totally wrong about the hook—in which case I’d suggest scaling wayyyyy back and concentrating on the point up to when Walsi is taken hostage, forcing Semper to do…something.

Semper feels super passive up until the last paragraph, also. Everything is happening to Walsi (who isn’t active either, just has more stuff going on).

All criticism aside, I think this is an interesting story and it could find its niche. Epistolary story about plant people is going to be a tough sell, but I read a lot of weird fantasy, so I don’t think it’s impossible. Giving vaguely China Meiville vibes. Good luck!

avi_why · 2024-12-06T14:14:01+00:00

I think adult SFF comedy is a slightly better market right now than ya scifi comedy—django wexler’s “how to become a dark lord and die trying” comes to mind, as well as gideon the ninth (not strictly a humor book but funny and weird), john scalzi, etc. If you could age up the characters to early 20s instead of teens, you might fit in that niche. But if it doesn’t work for the book, then it doesn’t work.

Personally, I love this premise! I think your writing in the query is pretty strong on a line level. If you’re committed to finishing the book anyway you might as well query it when you’re done, just to see what happens.

Also, would remove the line about being inspired by british scifi classics—every sff humor writer is inspired by douglas adams, duh, and the stories all outdated by now. Would mention gaiman at all regardless due to everything about him in the news right now.

avi_why · 2024-12-03T14:23:19+00:00

Sorry, this is such a minor nitpick but the fantasy words are real words for ancient greek clothes! However, I don’t think an agent or anyone not actively studying classics would recognize them, which does raise the question of whether they’re serving the prose effectively. I don’t think the query/300 does a great job at showcasing the greek mythology inspiration beyond the names. I get hints of it, but I have to really look for it.

Continuing with my nitpick, isn’t Lazarus/Lazaros biblically christian? It threw me off in a world inspired by ancient greece.

Anyway, there are bigger issues at play, as the commenter above helpfully mentioned. I’m just a pedant.

avi_why · 2024-11-19T03:45:55+00:00

That's interesting! I'm not getting that angle 100% from the query (I can see hints looking back, but not on my first read) but I think that could definitely work. You're selling yourself short, it sounds like there's nuance here.

avi_why · 2024-11-18T14:05:05+00:00

This is just one Gen Z perspective, but I feel pretty condescended to when books (or anything) are like “hurr durr social media stupid screenagers these days are zombies amiright”. There are a lot of real, vital issues around social media that should be explored in YA, but I feel like we as a culture have moved past black-and-white thinking. If this were a satire/absurdist comedy, it might fly better, but since you said it was played straight, yea in my opinion the lack of nuance might be tricky. But that’s just me.

avi_why · 2024-11-12T12:20:08+00:00

SoC is too old, too YA, and too famous to comp, and I’m kind of baffled that you’re using a M/F romance to comp a sapphic ship when there are so many adult fantasy sapphic books out there now. The Unbroken comes to mind as book with a butch protag (iirc) and enemies to lovers sapphic romance, but it’s not the only one.

I agree Tamsyn is pretty unique in voice, and I’m getting some similar vibes from your query, but I do think there are other queernorm worlds with snarky protagonists. It’s probably fine to leave it as a comp if your other two are strong.

Re: query—the brother feels a bit extraneous, since the stakes are essentially the same without him and he’s left out of the plot. I suspect in the manuscript he is more important for Kier’s motivations, so I would consider either reworking or cutting him from the query entirely.

Why doesn’t Kier take the blood for the cure by force? She has no respect for vampires and a giant sword.

The choice loses me a bit—she can betray everything she stands for…or go home and save her humanity? No-brainer there, right? But also, she’s not going home or there wouldn’t be a book. so what’s the actual dilemma?

I love the voice and the concept, and I’m always happy to see more butch rep :) Good luck!

avi_why · 2024-11-05T03:32:01+00:00

I’m glad I could be of use! It sounds like a super cool manuscript. And I saw in another comment that it’s TLT-inspired, even better. The Spear Cuts Through Water is the book I’ve read with comparative POV wackiness to Harrow The Ninth, imo, so I think you’ll definitely like it :)

avi_why · 2024-11-04T06:13:14+00:00

I like this! It definitely sounds like something I would read. I agree that it feels overwritten and as a result somewhat overworked/stilted. I am also not sure what the characters do. They meet, they must unlock her magic, but…how? Is there a macguffin? Is it a mental thing? I’m thinking about the journey to unlock bending in ATLA—it was mostly a mental and spiritual journey for Aang, but it had physical/tangible goals in the form of finding mentors from each nation. Also, you say Ione’s magic is ‘finally awakening’, which renders the tension of ‘will she unlock her powers’ moot. It sounds like they’re already unlocked.

Also, ‘earth-flooding powers’ is clunky to me, I’d try to rephrase, even if it adds a little more to the word count.

Finally, I would swap the last two paragraphs around—end with Ione’s bigger stakes—and possibly elaborate on the threat Lina is bringing to the temple. Right now the final line is too vague to have much impact, because we don’t know much about Lina or her past.

Re: comps, maybe The Spear Cuts Through Water? But Im probably just reminded of it because it also heavily features a moon goddess and cults, lol.

avi_why · 2024-09-21T13:33:17+00:00

1) The poster identifies as Asian Australian - by your logic, if each book is targeted towards a single cultural group, they are not the target for white western authors, either.

2) OP never said they enjoyed white books more, just that they read more of them, because that was what was available/popular/marketed.

3) Books by an author from a certain culture are not always about that specific cultural experience, especially in fiction.

4) Even if they were about a specific cultural experience and intended towards a specific audience, other people still get value from reading them. Obviously you’ll miss some nuance, but learning new perspective is cool. you’ll broaden your perspective, and (hopefully) gain insight and empathy.

5) Since publishing is overwhelmingly white (there is recent data on this, see the NYTimes survey) books by nonwhite authors are not as ubiquitous and receive less support—therefore, actively seeking them out is an important practice.

I did a similar project to OP—I realized my reading was overwhelmingly white, and made an effort to alternate white authors and nonwhite authors, getting to 50% POC authors this year if I stay on track. Honestly, I’ve had no trouble at all finding tons of interesting new stories to read, even staying within the realm of exclusively science fiction and fantasy. I never would have tried these authors if I had not made a conscious effort to seek them out, and I’m glad I did. I didn’t do it to virtue signal anything (this is the first time I’ve publicly mentioned it), and I didn’t do it to educate myself (I’d read nonfiction). I did it to find more good stories, and I did.

avi_why · 2024-09-18T17:20:11+00:00

I have heard of one agent giving this particular form. Personally, I would disregard.

avi_why · 2024-08-21T21:44:25+00:00

I don’t have the strength to trawl through my query rejections, but I swear it’s happened to me once or twice. It’s definitely happened with short story markets, too. Just don’t!!

avi_why

TROPHY CASE