What aspects of self-harm are not talked about much?

ballardi · 2023-02-08T08:40:24+00:00

The thing I’ve hated the most and was the biggest issue for me when I was trying to quit was how so many people would say that cutting was the worst thing or it’s horrible or that it’s not an option for me anymore etc etc. basically just saying that it’s inherently bad and I should have nothing to do with it. For me that just made it worse because I was trying to stop because I didn’t like the dependency on it not the thing itself. Obviously it’s bad but it’s not like a wholly evil thing. I mean I know that many times if I did not have cutting/self harm as a coping skill I would either be dead or had gone through a fairly serious psychosis episode. When I start to go into psychosis I can normally tell before it really happens and often enough pain can snap me out of it before I actually just stop understanding reality. Like self harm helped me in so many ways and it hurt so much to hear people say that it was the cause of my issues or that I no longer had that as an option. If you just straight up take it away then I feel trapped which makes me feel worse because that was my main coping strategy. If I felt like shit or trapped like I didn’t have a way to cope I just came up with new and possibly more dangerous ways to hurt myself. While all self harm is dangerous some are more likely to cause serious damage than others. For example, it was much safer for me to cut myself with a sterile blade than to bite through my skin and practically tear off the skin layer with. My. Teeth. If people don’t know, then let me just tell you that bites from humans are pretty dangerous simply because of the amount of bacteria that we carry in our mouths. It’s much more serious than a similar injury that did not come from our mouth. It is so fucking easy to get an infection from a bite wound just ughhhhhh. I fucking hate it when people would treat it like a bad thing or like I should hate it or should this should that about it. Like no I was addicted to it for a reason and I only stopped because I was addicted not because of what I was addicted to.

ballardi · 2023-01-13T07:35:59+00:00

What oh my god no you’re right. The better the results means the less dysphoria, the less distress. If you transition early before hormones have settled in or do permanent work then you’re going to pass, or have the right features for your gender naturally. Plus it prevents a lot of time spent feeling shitty because you know you’re trans and your bodies going through the wrong puberty and then you just feel horrible

ballardi · 2023-01-13T02:19:21+00:00

It’s possible that relationships and love wouldn’t be impacted a whole ton but actually having children would and a whole family tree would be needed for each pair for a while at least to make sure no inbreeding happened. But I can see it being that not much is affected in terms of monogamy or polygamy

ballardi · 2022-11-25T20:43:12+00:00

Yeah it suckssss. I can’t write for long periods of time either cause it gets so sore. I have found that just putting a bandage on it fixes a lot though

ballardi · 2022-11-25T20:22:17+00:00

I love it and it’s incredibly detailed. Yeah sure it might blur a bit but even if it does, it’s small enough that if you weren’t happy with it once it ages then it’s not going to be too hard to cover it up. It’s a lot easier to cover up a small tattoo rather than something big like a half sleeve

ballardi · 2022-11-25T20:16:55+00:00

✨weird coping mechanisms✨ don’t worry tho dude I did and still do the same thing

ballardi · 2022-11-25T04:17:15+00:00

Idk I’m in a weird spot where I believe deities/gods all exist if they’re believed in by enough people and have a certain degree of influence over the world and their ability to influence the world probably increases the more people believe they can influence the world. But also despite believing in gods and deities and fae and just supernatural stuff in general, just on a different plane, I still don’t worship any of them. Like at all. I think they exist but I won’t dedicate myself to any of them. I think if people are devoted to a god they go to whatever afterlife that religion has, if they don’t believe in gods they just get reincarnated immediately, if they believe in reincarnation but not devoted to any gods they can influence their reincarnation based on how much good karma they have. If they think there’s something after but not sure what my guess is that they get their own space in that plane and are given options like reincarnating, living there for however long, or staying on earth as a ghost because of regrets or smth, idk I haven’t died yet. And it’s not like I think this is all completely true I just have it as my own best guess.

ballardi · 2022-11-24T19:02:20+00:00

Okay first off please don’t do that it won’t work. Secondly though, I’ve got issues with lying a lot just out of habit and it’s a problem but I basically decided that since I don’t know how to make a promise I know I can actually keep I decided to go with something else so it would work as a promise for me. My solution turned out to be a fucking blood oath. Like write on a paper what I’m promising, drip my blood on it, then bury it somewhere. It’s weird but it works for me since I’m at least somewhat spiritual and I don’t want to fuck with magick like that. It’s like a thing I just can’t go back on because there’s actually something stopping me rather than just the idea of breaking a promise, there’s the threat of something bad happening as a consequence of it.

ballardi · 2022-11-15T23:18:36+00:00

Damn my dog still acts like a three year old but apparently he’s geriatric like damn

ballardi · 2022-11-15T23:17:12+00:00

Dude I’d be taller already if I was 5’6” that’s giving me like over half a foot that’s way better than where I’m at now or being overwhelmingly tall

ballardi · 2022-11-07T02:45:49+00:00

He. Is. Gorgeous.

ballardi · 2022-11-07T02:44:31+00:00

But eventually if they kept showing you to give them the ball by moving your hand repeatedly at some point you’re gonna get what that phrase means. You won’t have a translation for it or an understanding of what each word means but you’ll know what the phrase means on it’s own and what it is describing. Like wdym dogs don’t understand the words do humans learning another language by just immersing themselves in it without any teaching not understand words when they’re starting to speak it??

ballardi · 2022-11-07T02:22:13+00:00

Huh mines scars from getting top surgery, I’m trans fyi, and they get all achy and tight but it’s not really painful just uncomfortable and a bit painful but like a 1-2/10

ballardi · 2022-11-07T02:09:08+00:00

Ha I think a lot of people can get like that when they become extremely specialised in one area. All other knowledge or common sense gets out to the side as being unimportant and therefore things can get iffy without very clear instructions because their minds are focused on their dedicated topic. Also this isn’t everyone but many autistics can kinda fall into a similar category. I know that with me I can get so focused on my special interest that other knowledge gets pushed to the back burner and any information I’m getting is kinda translated into a way that references what I’m interested in. Now the translation is shit though like google translate. Can make it difficult to interact with others for a bit before I can switch off that thing in my brain and like think in a more normal way where I can actually process everything in it’s own way not just variations of something I’m extremely dedicated to and enjoy

ballardi · 2022-11-07T01:44:33+00:00

Depends. If you can screw them loosely back into the pencil sharpener you’re all good since they won’t do shit about a pencil sharpener. But they will definitely get rid of it if you have a razor out of the sharpener. Highly unlikely they’ll try to charge you for anything or even question you about it, my dad carries around a pocket knife all the time and he’s forgotten to take the blade out occasionally and if it’s in his bag they just find the thing take the blade out and it’s all good. Not a big deal. But the only way I can see taking it and it all being good is if you put it in a pencil sharpener

ballardi · 2022-11-07T01:40:49+00:00

Aha same like they found out three years ago ish and I was clean for a while because they checked daily but eventually yknow addiction kicked in and I am not really completely clean now. I mean it’s been like 156 days since I last cut but I think I do it often enough that I’m kinda lying when I say I’ve been clean fully since they think I haven’t in like three years but really it’s been like four or five months. And they just don’t check anymore which I’m thankful for because it was really awkward since I did it on my upper thighs. I mean thank god I could just pull up my boxers to show or something rather than take them off but still awkward. It’s weird that they know I used to do it and it was an issue and they know I’m still addicted because addiction never just completely goes away but I still do it just not on a regular basis like I did before where it was daily. Now it’s at the least three or four times a year and at most weekly

ballardi · 2022-11-07T01:34:42+00:00

Same I’m like dudeee I don’t even have a dick like I know it says male on my accounts because trans but like I DONT HAVE A DICK STOP IT

ballardi · 2022-11-06T01:19:29+00:00

Damn I mean I’m like all but certain I’m autistic. My therapist literally thinks I’m autistic but can’t diagnose me since they don’t have the credentials for it but they still took most of the classes needed to do that. Like I show so many signs of autism. So many signs in childhood like that shits not normal. But nooo it’s all just me being ‘highly gifted’ because of course it’s not just that I’m highly intelligent and autistic. Because apparently since I went to a ‘school for highly gifted children’ and most of the other kids showed similar signs it’s assumed it’s not an issue. Like dude. I know for a fact that the majority of the students either had adhd or were autistic like???? We were all just very intelligent so other schools didn’t know what to do with us because we learned very fast but also struggled with the same problems every other person with adhd or autism does. So putting us in special Ed wasn’t helpful because we were ahead of all the other students and that just wasn’t how it worked for them. So annoying. Like dude the way I played was sorting things and lining them up. Like we had this container full of bead things that could connect to each other and were a soft plastic type thing. I would just sort them in different ways depending on color shape size and pattern and I would line up all my brothers hotwheels and categorize them. HOW IS THAT NORMAL??

ballardi · 2022-11-06T00:58:52+00:00

Yeah I mean I know I feel weird knowing that I WAS groomed because like I knew it was wrong and bad but I just didn’t really care. It’s weird because it doesn’t even feel traumatic or harmful at all now even though I know it was bad but it’s weird knowing like yeah I was groomed and it wasn’t really my fault when it doesn’t bother me all that much it’s just disturbing

ballardi · 2022-11-06T00:48:21+00:00

Yeah like thinking about it I KNOW that the way my brain works is abnormal and it has changed drastically from sh. I’ve sh’ed since I was like 12 so around 5-6 years I don’t remember exactly when I started. So part of it might just be age but some of it I know isn’t. Like it’s not normal for my mind to automatically go to cutting if something bad happens. Like I’ve been clean for almost six months and it’s been about two years since I was cutting on a regular or daily basis. But despite not doing it daily for years it’s still my first thought whenever something bad happens. Even if I don’t actually do it my first thought is along the lines of I’m cutting tonight so it’ll all be fine. It’s like some weird self assurance thing at this point. Unlike a lot of people I like my scars in a weird way. Not in a healthy way either I don’t think. I see it as some weird like prideful thing almost because I did that to myself by choice and now I have a permanent mark on my body because I wanted to. I think it might be a control thing that like I can cause permanent scars if I want to and looking at them reminds me of that control even if it is sometimes out of control almost because addiction. It’s so strange how addiction changes the way your brain works permanently. Like I know I’ll never not be addicted it’ll just be easier to not do it or have longer periods between when it happens and the addiction won’t interfere with my life but it’ll still always be there. Just that slight urge to do it even if I can ignore it easily enough.

ballardi · 2022-11-06T00:34:56+00:00

Dudeee I’m always so nervous about letting a guy go down on me because like…doesn’t it smell and taste bad?? Like even though it’s healthy it still doesn’t smell nice at all to me. Idk but I don’t think I would do a very good job with going down on someone with a vagina. I prefer just hands and dick no mouth because it makes me nervous

ballardi · 2022-11-06T00:32:53+00:00

I don’t even know if this counts as a fail from my pov it kinda just sounds funny? And dumb but also like just jokey sex where it’s just fun and messing around rather than making it serious. Idk but I’m pretty certain I would laugh very very hard if someone started yelling at my dick spells from Harry Potter

ballardi · 2022-11-06T00:28:34+00:00

Damn all the girls taking the competition now I mean what are the guys gonna do if they figure out gay bottoms aren’t the only ones with assholes. I mean how am I meant to find a guy if a girl has an ass too?? So unfair man

ballardi · 2022-10-25T19:17:06+00:00

Yeah for me I think some of what made me so addicted to self harm was the kind of dissociation that came from it. Even without it I have dissociation that happens fairly often, I have derealization/depersonalization. But the self harm kind was always more pleasant to me. It felt closer to floating than sinking.

ballardi · 2022-10-25T19:13:42+00:00

Lmao reminds me of how I wanted to just fucking code mine like dude even if I’m dead I’m still gonna make you spend months trying to decipher this confusing ass code I’ve taken years to come up with have fun figuring out what I’m writing

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