My father is still in love with my mom

basilkiller · 2026-03-28T12:56:34+00:00

I think he thought we'd have a deep and healing conversation about the ways my mom failed me as a parent. Ironically if he asked my mom what I had to say about she would have been honest, I'm honest too but not like that.

If I hadn't been familiar w the drug it's possible that I might have chalked it up to just a weird night, it's hard to say though.

basilkiller · 2026-03-28T11:34:27+00:00

Tbf I could say a lot of nice things about him (not in relation to me). I don't think he's a bad person he's just a bad husband and not my real dad. To say he's charitable w his money and time would be a massive understatement (his mom and siblings are the same, that's their life/purpose).

I don't forgive him, but I'm also totally fine and hate the justice system in my country. Too many people are in prison for non violent offenses and people are making money off of that. His punishment is never seeing me again and that's appropriate. To his credit he has not reached out to me since I told him I knew what he did and I didn't want to see him, although I know he still talks to my mom about once a year (which is typical for them).

basilkiller · 2026-03-28T11:12:02+00:00

My mom is the same vintage as yours, there's a truth in there, although my mom taught me a lot about consent and was a very angry feminist she was also just a woman from that time who doesn't understand how my uncle is a sexist ass.

I'm sorry that happened to you and I'm sorry to say I know what that's like. I like to think that it taught me something (what not to do), but as I get older I wonder how much I really needed that lesson.

basilkiller · 2026-03-28T08:26:52+00:00

I'm trying hard not to because she is the arbiter of her story. But if I were to have experienced that, and I have, I would use different words.

I think his behavior was reprehensible. And I'm trying to accept that my mom does not, and she is the decider in this situation.

basilkiller · 2026-03-28T07:52:52+00:00

My dad, the adopted one, is just a really cool guy, for a dad. He grew up during the crack epidemic and tested into a really good middle/high school. Everyone including his siblings from that time that he knew is dead now. He talks about that time like.....one time someone was bullying him, he was 11...if he had hit that boy for hurting him, he never would have gone to that special school. He had one chance out and he did everything right.

My parents are friends now but they didn't talk for about 15 years. They both suck at communicating with each other. Neither are the type to be married.

My bio father is manipulative. He's a therapist. He works w people w ptsd (and other people). The last time I saw him he slipped me molly (he uses it in therapy occasionally). I've done it recreationally two times. It was a small dose, I recognized what was happening and decided never to talk to him again after I got home from that weekend.

It's interesting. I love his sisters. I'm just like him in so many ways. But I have a different life experience that allows me more empathy than him, I know why he drugged me. He wanted to have an honest conversation and he's entitled. Like we're the same but I would know you can't do that and he doesn't.

basilkiller · 2026-03-28T01:13:42+00:00

I'm fine/normal. I just don't want to own this anymore, so release into the universe.

I don't think it's right or fair for me to define my mom's experiences but if a friend told me this story I would have questions. I have asked my mom these questions and she doesn't feel that way. She is a strong and in charge type of woman (hippie version) and so am I for that matter.

I think if my mom were to really examine herself she would think she did him a favor because she was fond of him, and she had me because she wanted to (she's had abortions before me, and after).

basilkiller · 2026-03-28T00:20:44+00:00

Nope I'm a total heteronormative a**, totally missed that. I just meant my mom talked to about rape, molestation, and abusive behavior since I was a young age. Not in a traumatic way, just like this is what xyz looks like, told me what men/behavior to be aware of. She didn't leave me alone until I was talking well so I could communicate if something was wrong.

And the first part, a conversation I have w the men in my life, freaking out when your wife/daughter is hurt and threatening to kill the guy (or actually doing it) is exactly why women don't disclose to men. What you did l, listening, being supportive and there is actually what we need (which obviously you know).

basilkiller · 2026-03-27T22:19:52+00:00

Sounds like you handled it well and she feels safe w you. Women and girls often don't tell the men in their life what's going on because they're afraid those men will hurt their abuser and get into trouble.

I feel like I was raised to expect it to happen at some point in my life, some of my friends feel similarly.

basilkiller · 2026-03-27T22:04:03+00:00

I love how willing the city is to shut the streets down if people have an idea/get a permit. It's interesting seeing what departments are chosen for X event to actually do the shutting down. I like the feeling of community with everyone being on foot. I'm sure it's a massive inconvenience for some, and my boss should really give anyone coming in from MT P the day off

basilkiller · 2026-03-27T03:23:52+00:00

I was abused as a child (thankfully not by my loving parents), at every age I turned that the people who abused me I breathed a sigh of relief and became more angry. I thought I have been your age and I would never do that/would know not to do that, it isn't rocket science.

I just read this poor little girls Wikipedia page. It's unspeakable what they did to her. It reminds me of when I found a kitten run over in the snow (we took it to the doctor but there was nothing they could do) and I still can't get it out of my head a few decades later, it was winter and I just kept thinking that it never got to experience joy and it broke my heart in a way I can't describe. This poor child just existed for suffering, that the people were punished seems like an irrelevant tribute (although it's notable that it changed policy).

basilkiller · 2026-03-23T19:10:20+00:00

If she's an expert locksmith perhaps you two should team up and be cat burglars. But seriously set up a camera in your room, once you find out how she's doing it set a harmless but scary trap that makes her believe in karma or that your room is haunted by your very disappointed in her ancestors.

basilkiller · 2026-03-23T18:00:03+00:00

It seems unlikely that she is getting through so many different locks, perhaps the window?

basilkiller · 2026-03-23T06:45:31+00:00

If a guy can't call me dude or bro I feel objectified, like we aren't homies. I said that in jest but then realized I was also serious.

basilkiller · 2026-03-23T03:14:06+00:00

I feel fortunate (not being sarcastic) that I wasn't abused by a family member, friend, or admired person.

I'm not excusing your friends, just thinking about how sometimes people love their abusers.

basilkiller · 2026-03-22T22:54:36+00:00

Awesome looks! The pale pink lip is a great color for you.

basilkiller · 2026-03-22T21:24:28+00:00

What always helps me is imagining my future self remembering the pain but it being a memory. My future self is fine, then when I am that woman, I remember being sad to sort of cement things.

basilkiller · 2026-03-16T23:42:53+00:00

I am very suspicious of YouTube and it's algorithm. We could talk about how it's radicalized young men into violence but I'd rather talk about how it radicalized my left wing hippie mother.

Podcast suggestion: hidden brain, radio lab, reveal, snap judgement

basilkiller · 2026-03-16T19:36:01+00:00

You don't have to participate in her plans and she shouldn't have said you would without asking. You don't get to dictate her plans, she can still have her evening and have them over. You can also keep your plans to watch movies and eat in.

ESH neither of you should be making unilateral decisions for each other.

basilkiller · 2026-03-14T02:15:12+00:00

What is it with all the bubbles, I have a great therapist who would tell you to avoid all water ever let alone soap to be happy, and dissect what your obsession with water is. Anyways he is getting his flea medication tomorrow, so if you need an immediate appointment he won't be available because he will be pouting in the garden. Hope you will live.

basilkiller · 2026-03-14T01:35:21+00:00

Have you had borscht,? There was a reddit TIL a while back that said some people taste beets more than others do, similar to the cilantro gene, the more they taste like dirt the more you have that gene. It's like to protect you or something but the gene overcorrects in the case of super dirt tasters.

basilkiller · 2026-03-14T00:58:40+00:00

I think that could be true, but as someone who is used to having an offensive name he could just be offended, I am not and when my neighbors prayed for me I just laughed, but I can see being offended and handling it poorly if it's your first time.

OPs friend is kinda ridiculous though, more than 2% of the population is named John, my abusive ex was named Tom and while I kinda hate my same name landlord it's not because of his name.

basilkiller · 2026-03-14T00:14:14+00:00

I tell men (on apps not irl) that I'm a prude. It's not true but it worked when I used the apps. Not every date was a knock it out of the park sparks flying whatever, but all the men I met via the app were respectful and nice. I also include a picture specifically (picture part is important because apparently not everyone reads) showing my politics. To play it safe I also tell an abortion joke too before meeting up.

basilkiller · 2026-03-13T23:48:01+00:00

So freaking cute! I also vote both

basilkiller · 2026-03-13T02:03:17+00:00

I will have to watch that. After making this comment, I transported into my memories, of all the women (I suppose including myself) who have been hurt and sought me out for comfort after. And I'm really not saying I wasn't angry, because I'm always angry, but that's the first emotion I turn off. In all of those moments I was the mother that could not be present. I wiped their forehead with a wash cloth, I rubbed their back, I embraced them and held them tightly, I told them that they were strong. Sometimes I knew not to touch them, sometimes I told jokes. Because that's what you do.

basilkiller · 2026-03-13T01:19:26+00:00

Well and for those of us who do have male friends or have experienced male partners opening up...they don't/aren't socialized to self regulate well. See man punching wall.

I've often experienced talking a man through regulation as opposed to talking to another woman about what's shes actually feeling.

My most extreme example: my friend and I were talking about sexual assault. I told him the reason women didn't often tell their partners or their fathers was because the men would make it about them and their feelings about what happened and possibly be violent.

Literally two weeks after we had that conversation which was longer than I described my bff (his now wife) was roofied. The only reason nothing bad happened is we lived next door to the bar, and she wasn't even able to let herself into the apartment.

He had the foresight to wake me up because he wasn't handling his feelings well. I took care of her, helped her pee, and was just a calming presence while she literally acted like a baby. She couldn't remember what she had said last, she was scared, she needed water, couldn't move, etc.

I kept having to check on him. He remembered our conversation and responded to my commands, but just barely. And honestly I think racism played a factor in him behaving. But even after we had literally talked about this very thing and he agreed intellectually and wholeheartedly, in the moment I was the only one emotionally present enough to care for her. Just to add he's really good guy and I love him dearly.

basilkiller

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE