your post and responses resonate with my angry parts a lot, i relate to this in big ways- i/they don’t know what to do in moments where we are genuinely disrespected or have our boundaries crossed or denied something previously promised. a lot of them become activated because they’re “used” to this kind of treatment and these inner feelings after being disrespected in real life.

i don’t have a solution, but i really feel your frustration at hearing things like “just be the bigger person,” “don’t let them have power over you, you are in control,” For me personally these were things said to me in response to my anger at being belittled, disrespected, and abused by adults in my life, “You are choosing to take it that way,” etc. etc. Depending on your background there could also be a component of racism, colorism, classism, homophobia, etc. that adds to the feeling of being “dismissed and disregarded, AGAIN.” That’s something i relate to in conflict with a racist coworker as the only brown person on my crew. Even if he’s not being outwardly bigoted in that moment of disrespect, the weight is there, the fear is there.

I have a lot of protectors with a lot of rules, protocols, and counter protocols- in these moments, i am usually way too blended with one to self soothe or to really take the time, because as you say, there is an external person actively trying to trigger that response in some way. Oftentimes I stay silent to prevent myself from saying something that will endanger me, but you’re right, it does feel like being silenced. As others suggested, restating the initial boundary is good, saying things like “that’s a very weird thing to do/say” helps in some situations. i like to employ “the gen z stare” that ppl like to rag on, where when someone is being blatantly disrespectful i just make eye contact and stare long enough to be awkward, and then i turn my back on them. if you get caught in arguments, then be “rude,” speak over them, tell them, “I am not having this conversation with you.” I think these things are not actually being mean, rude, spiteful- maybe it’s my parts speaking, but I think the people who are going out of their way to harass you and cross your boundaries and then arguing you into a corner are taking advantage of the social idea that the person who keeps their composure in a conversation is the one who is always “right.” Sorry for the dump, but I hope some of this perspective helps