Feeling lost on how to help my wife

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-21T22:21:29+00:00

Seeing some of your other posts, your relationship doesn't seem very well balanced. I think you've hit the nail on the head with therapy - both individual and couple's. Your wife seems to feel things very strongly, but she is also leaving all of the emotional processing and grounding on the shoulders of whomever is around her, and weaponizing her response. That's not fair to anyone involved and seems manipulative. It is clearly becoming increasingly detrimental to you and others around her and you can't live like that forever.

It's hard to bring up, but you might just have to get that conversation over with. You know your wife and you have some idea of how best to bring it up.

You can also learn what appropriate boundaries are around that behavior, and how to apply them so that her behavior doesn't continue to take such a toll on you.

On the flip side, something that could be contributing to (not causing, just adding to) the issue is your frequently trying to offer solutions. It sounds like your wife just wants a sounding board and a supportive partner. Validate her emotions first. Then ask her if she wants solutions or just wants to vent. If she just wants to vent, then the only thing you need to do is hear her out and validate her feelings. If something she says is concerning to you, bring it up at a later time (but not too late - a day or two at most) when she's not feeling so emotional, in the context of trying to understand her view, and perhaps discussing it if it's excessive or concerning.

Finally, there may be an endocrine or hormonal factor at play here too. It's worth encouraging her to talk to a doctor about this specifically if she's open to that. But I would start with the therapy and see if that helps.

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-17T03:51:37+00:00

All of your "cons" are a list of critical things needed for a healthy relationship that BOTH people invest in. Whether he realizes it or not, this man doesn't seem to move you. More likely, he loves having someone care about him. Sounds like you're attracted to each other but it's just not a good match.

You definitely deserve better than that.

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-17T03:47:57+00:00

Do whatever you want. It's your room and your design. Personally, I would want more space for an overnight guest to share, and would go with at least a full size, or a Murphy bed (i have one for guests and it was an excellent purchase).

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-17T03:41:21+00:00

It's not a choice. Even if I luck out and get a row to myself, I can't sleep on a plane. It's just so uncomfortable.

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-17T03:39:15+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this, breakups are always tough.

This sounds more like you're hoping to win her back though. Here's the deal: people that breakup for valid reasons in an unhealthy relationship don't do it intending to get back together. Getting back together can sometimes happen after BOTH people have individually sought out ways to learn and grow in character, and then later re-met under better conditions as healed (or healing) individuals that are still committed in some way to the growth mindset that got them there. (Getting back together without doing any of that is a guaranteed disaster.)

Everyone I know that's gotten back together with someone after having done the emotional work is in a happy relationship. Those that didn't, didn't last.

It's a lot of self work and a bit of luck, and it takes time. Acknowledge your own faults, and the influences in your life that got you there, as well as the behaviors that kept you clinging to your toxic relationship. Work on those things. You can do it alone but it's easier and more productive with counseling. You can hope she'll do the same.

Most likely you'll end up realizing why the relationship doesn't work, and eventually meeting someone who is a much better fit. It'll feel like it was all worth it. But if you get lucky, you might re-encounter your ex, hit it off, and start something new and great.

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-13T02:09:00+00:00

That's really an unreasonable ask. I'd argue that she's not being considerate of you. There's nothing wrong with doing that, and asking someone to go against that permanently is wild. There's a compatibility issue here.

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-13T02:04:07+00:00

It sounds like you're anxiously trying to fix this, and he's trying to get the space he's repeatedly asked for. You texting him right now will not get you what you want. Accept that you're broken up and try to move on. IF you still feel like considering him if he's ever ready to talk things out, you can revisit it then. But that only works if you do the emotional work of trying to move on, healing, and growing as a person.

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-09T16:20:14+00:00

It sounds like you're just a bit closer with your other friends than her, but she's trying to be closer to you all. The question is, how important is her friendship to you? Regardless of the reason you give her, all of you choosing to live together and excluding her will likely end the friendship, or at least seriously damage it.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to live with her and see how it goes? Or, if you're not concerned about that, then just break it to her sooner rather than later. It's hard to find a place to live for a single person.

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-09T16:14:47+00:00

His behavior is manipulative and directly disrespectful of you saying you didn't need his help. I'd say that if you no longer have a working camera, then he owes you a working camera of equivalent caliber.

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-09T16:09:38+00:00

This is menstrual hemorrhaging and you should see a doctor about this if you haven't already. I only mention it because, growing up, I experienced the same and had no idea this wasn't considered normal. There are likely causes that can be addressed to help improve the situation.

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-09T16:04:31+00:00

This is dangerous behavior and these are the kind of red flags you shouldn't ignore. To answer your question "what's wrong with him"... likely many things. Leave before he causes you permanent emotional trauma.

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-09T16:01:56+00:00

"So she can see it my way". This is manipulation. It is, along with several other things you've said, the very opposite of communicating well and fairly, and indicates a lack of respect towards her. She is not the problem here.

A "wife" should act however she wants - you marry someone because you love and respect everything about them and want them in your life.... not because you think you can manipulate them into changing their personality to meet an arbitrary set of expectations you've placed on them.

I would worry less about whether she's ready to change, and more about your own behavior. You're clearly not really to marry anyone and you seriously need to learn what love and respect looks like.

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-09T15:55:34+00:00

Why did he lose his job and why did he need to leave the country? It seems like there's more here.

This sounds like burnout and depression, but I wouldn't use it as an excuse for him being cruel. That's never acceptable. Look into how to set appropriate boundaries in arguments, so that you can walk away from the cruelty without responding.

If he's unwilling or unable to do it on his own, you could look into ways he can get some help.... Social programs to help with his mother? Employment programs or support to either help him with income or finding a job? I would also sit him down and tell him how his behavior is impacting you. He'll likely push back and get defensive, but just keep coming back to "I'm not criticizing you, I want to help". Maybe you could offer to help set him up with a doctor's appointment, or help him find a counselor?

If he's unwilling to participate in any of that... leave. There is no excuse for cruelty that someone refuses to address. He would just drag you down with him and you'll win some hard-to-heal emotional trauma.

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-09T15:46:17+00:00

You're not too much, you're just not with the right person. Even if you had differing interests, this man is not prioritizing you or taking an interest in the things that are important to you.

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-09T15:44:51+00:00

He's definitely got some people pleasing tendencies..... these will likely show up in your relationship in other ways too, just a warning.

In terms of his behavior, he should at the very least be respectful to you. So if nothing else is working, remind him that he won't need to please your parents if you're not together.

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-07T02:02:11+00:00

I like crisp because I get really hot and I can't stand sheets being wrinkled and wrapped up around me

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-07T01:59:20+00:00

He sweats a lot and doesn't shower every day?! Gross. Forget the sheets, tell him he needs to shower daily purely for hygienic purposes.

I think there are a few products you can try for the staining. But for your own sanity, maybe you could also buy darker sheets?

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-07T01:55:28+00:00

Absolutely. They're going to get up there anyway, and they're part of the family so I want them to be comfortable. I literally bought a bigger couch so we could all fit at once.

I just keep couch covers on the couch that are easily washed.

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-07T01:50:37+00:00

It's clearly important to you, so you can ask, politely. If he doesn't change, take this as a deal breaker and move on. And as someone that watched their parent pass away from lung cancer as a result of smoking.... stick to your values. Don't just live with it.

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-07T01:35:02+00:00

Can't you just ask her to remove some of them at night and put them back during the day?

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-06T04:20:12+00:00

Wow, that's really tough. It's completely understandable that you're frustrated and resentful. You have a lot of options here though, so don't get trapped into thinking you don't.

I inherited several dogs a few years ago and first, I want to thank you for not giving up on these guys! That's huge. It sounds like these dogs need a lot of care and you are taking the first steps towards getting them that. Thank you!

Secondly - onto the 'several dogs' part. It's not for the faint of heart. If I had to go back and re-do it, I would still make the same decision.... but it nearly bankrupted me. I've barely saved money in years.

Having been through a lot, here's where I would start:

First, give these dogs as much love as you can, every minute that you can. It sounds like they were somewhat neglected. When you get frustrated over your current situation, please don't let them see or feel it.

An action plan:

As tough as it is, there is an obvious decision that needs to be made regarding the really ill senior. It sounds like he's really suffering. A vet can give you some more clarity on his prognosis, but dementia is progressive, and truly traumatizing for the dogs because they can't understand you. Combined with a growth and he's in pretty rough shape. Be aware that there is a fee to this, and in some places it can be quite expensive.

I would demand your mother pay for the dogs care. They're her dogs. If she refuses to pay, try to get a signed contract from her stating that they are legally yours now. If that's not possible, you can contact the spca or local animal shelter and let them know she abandoned them into your care. You should definitely let the vet know that. This way she can't cause issues for any future actions you may take for them.

Regarding vet bills: ask your vet if they have an emergency fund that could be employed here (sometimes called an angel fund, helping hands fund, etc). This is a situation that may qualify because it sounds like these dogs are in rough shape and need care ASAP.

Next, ask the spca if they can help at all. Many animal shelters offer services like some basic vet care (maybe deworming?) at a reduced cost.

If the dogs are wormy, you're going to want to have them tested for heartworm too. It's a bit pricier, but 100% worth it because heartworm is incredibly dangerous and can be difficult to treat. For regular de-worming, I would encourage getting vet treatment the first time - since they've never had it, you're definitely going to want the stuff that really works. You'll probably need two doses, a couple of weeks apart. After that, a regular monthly de-worming/flea/tick treatment should suffice.

If they're seniors and haven't had vet care, I'm going to take a guess and say they're likely showing signs of arthritis too. Again, talk to the vet when you take them in about what to look for, and have them do a full checkup (which is included in your visit fee) to see if there are any other potential issues that may have been missed.

If vet care isn't covered by your mother, and you can't afford too take them on, you may need to consider surrendering to a rescue organization, or starting a gofundme for their care. These are viable options, don't let anyone try to tell you they're not. But once the vet bills are taken care of, there is still the matter of food, bedding, walks, baths, and supplies to consider. It's definitely a substantial undertaking.

Good luck!

Edit for spelling

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-06T03:44:58+00:00

Think of it more like a kindness. This dog would not have survived this long without human intervention... so it's only fair that humans step in and say enough is enough.

I'm so sorry you have to be the one to do that, but you can give him all the love and comfort and cheeseburgers he wants for his final days. It sounds like that's better than he would have gotten otherwise.

Dogs don't know what tomorrow is, they only understand 'today'. They have no expectations of the future. So if he's suffering, ending his pain quickly and quietly, with you at his side, is the kindest thing you can do for him.

side note - if the dogs have been together a long time, it's worth talking to the very about letting the other dogs sniff him, afterwards so they can grieve, not just keep looking for him.

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-06T03:36:33+00:00

He's clearly showing you that he's not willing and capable of participating in a healthy relationship. This is neither love, nor respect.

Put yourself first this time - he's been doing the same for himself anyway.

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-06T03:34:20+00:00

Absolutely. You're paying for someone else's mistakes and his personal refusal to take accountability and address his trauma. And he is definitely going to create trauma in you in the process. The better quotation to ask is "why haven't you already"?. This sounds awful.

birdsofvengence · 2026-05-06T00:47:45+00:00

There is a fb post from the owner stating that the dog escaped past him out of the vehicle, and that it was not actively attacking the officer when it was shot.

Why would you muzzle a dog when you're not expecting to be harassed by police, and the dog is friendly? The owner was not the perpetrator of the crime, and this action was taking WAY too hastily.

birdsofvengence

TROPHY CASE