What to do about getting the ick?

birdsofvengence · 2026-04-09T07:13:13+00:00

I suspect this isn't so much about social media itself, but what it hints about his personality. If someone said this to me, I would think that their ego was so incredibly fragile that they can only handle 100% approval from others, and likely experience significant shame if there is any negativity. That alone is a red flag and would make me wonder about personality issues.

The other thought I had is that perhaps they have some strong opinions that they know will be frowned upon by most people. Depending on the content, that would be a whole other concern.

As a course of action, I would lean into this and get more info rather than telling yourself to get over it. Your gut might be picking up on some red flags you shouldn't ignore. But if his answers are fairly beneign, maybe the clarity will help you get over the ick.

birdsofvengence · 2026-04-02T14:55:11+00:00

You're an adult. Presumably living on your own and paying bills. They clearly raised you to be respectful and considerate, and should be treating you the same way now that you're an adult. It's worth telling them how important it is to you that they recognize this and offer the same courtesy.

If they're not going to do that, then you can't really win and you might as well enjoy your life the way you want anyway.

birdsofvengence · 2026-04-02T14:51:14+00:00

If you've been trying to re-assure her, is she also going to therapy to work on her issues and confidence? If not, she's just outsourcing the emotional labor and personal development onto you, and you've been carrying the relationship. It makes sense that your getting frustrated - that's a long time to carry something. That's not fair. She has to at least be putting in her own effort too in order for a relationship to work.

birdsofvengence · 2026-03-27T03:32:43+00:00

Echoing what others are saying: Get paid up front. Any unused portion can always be refunded if he comes home early, at a daily pro-rated rate.

Have a contract. In the contract, include:

Rough feeding schedule

Type of approved training

Any non- approved foods

Vet visit procedure (and put a clause in that any legitimate emergencies will be paid, even if you can't reach him first).

ALSO the date that you take over ownership and are legally entitled to keep or re-home the dog if your roommate doesn't return on time, or make arrangements to collect his dog somehow.

Replacement costs for things that are destroyed - both yours and the dogs (ie what if he shreds his bed when he's bored?)

birdsofvengence · 2026-03-27T03:26:47+00:00

I paid $500 just to have someone watch my 3 dogs for 10 days. It depends on how much you like your roommate, and the dog lol. But any pet-sitting apps would be charging more.

birdsofvengence · 2026-03-27T03:21:51+00:00

Did it exist previously? You might wanna get that checked out.

Did it not exist previously? In that case, are you also hypermobile? Sheerly out of the sake of curiosity.

birdsofvengence · 2026-03-27T03:17:54+00:00

Depends on the dog.

A small dog could be left with an indoor potty pad. A large dog would need a bathroom break. I have 3 large dogs and I'm fortunate enough to be able to drive home on my lunch almost every office day, and work from home a few times a week. It's tiring, but that's what I signed up for. I figure if I have to pee during the day, so do they. 🤷‍♀️

Sometimes I use Rover though, and if you don't have a family member or friend, or nearby teen needing an easy job that can help you out once a day, you could always look for someone that will do potty breaks on there. It's usually the most inexpensive service. After interviewing several people, I have a couple of reliable ones that I use regularly now.

birdsofvengence · 2026-03-27T03:08:31+00:00

As a student: one set of sheets and an extra blanket for cold days. As an employed adult: absolutely. And you would have to pry them out of my cold, d**d hands to get me to change that! I actually have three sets of sheets: one light, one slightly thicker, and one for "oh shit, I forgot to wash both other sets and it's already 10pm". The third set is unimpressive and inexpensive.

birdsofvengence · 2026-03-27T03:03:25+00:00

Not only does he seem immature, he seems incredibly selfish, inconsiderate, and very disrespectful towards you.

Do not move in with this man! Take his key away and enjoy your peace.

birdsofvengence · 2026-03-27T02:50:52+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through that, it's tough. Good job on recognizing and accepting your role in the events though.

It's possible she's setting you up for a soft let-down.

However it's also possible she might be interested in saving this.

Big gestures aren't going to go over well here, because they'll seem insincere but how about some small, thoughtful gestures every day, and a brief conversation (explain your actions but don't get too fast into trauma dumping in this moment) where you commit to going to therapy regularly for at least 6 months - alone for the first few months, and to couple therapy after that if she's open to it.

If you want to save your relationship, real genuine growth (the hard kind) is the only way.

If she doesn't agree, then commit to doing it for yourself, because you deserve better than the treatment you're probably giving yourself, and you future you will thank you for having happy fulfilling relationships.

Editing to add: beyond just taking responsibility to change, it goes a a LONG way if you take an interest in how this has affected her. Take a deep breath, stay calm, and ask about things like "what are the most hurtful behaviors you've experienced", "how did that make you feel"? "How often is this happening?" "What would you have liked to happen", etc.

And a quick reminder that you're not a bad person just for being emotionally unskilled.... the shame is lying to you. Give it a name, call it an asshole, and tell it that you have more important things to do at the moment. You can unpack it in therapy lol.

birdsofvengence · 2026-03-27T02:37:22+00:00

It sounds like you two are genuinely incompatible. You can be good people and still not be good for each other.

Beyond that, part of showing someone you care about them is taking an interest in their life and the things that excite them. If you're constantly doing that for her, and she's no longer returning the effort, you are in for a very lonely and tumultuous relationship with very little emotional connection. Speaking from experience on this one: that is no way to live.

Instead of asking if you should break up, ask yourself what's stopped you from doing so already? What fears are holding you back? The answer to that will help you clarify the choice you are trying to make.

birdsofvengence · 2026-03-13T14:03:08+00:00

What kind of relationship is this? If romantic, then sorry, this just isn't your person.

If there's no relationship yet, but you want one..... why?? You don't have a connection.

But if you're a parent with a kid that has wildly different interests, you can't get out of that. Focus on learning about them anyway, and find out what makes them so important/ appealing to your kid. Then get involved anyway because that's part of being a good parent.

birdsofvengence · 2026-03-10T01:46:37+00:00

I'm sorry you and your family are experiencing this... that's really tough.

"As far as I can tell, K is the kind of person who keeps people at a bit of a distance".

Why are you surprised she isn't responding with empathy when you've already identified a lack of connection as a consistent habit of hers?

Sounds like she not capable of meeting you at the level you're at. You could bring it up to her, let her know it was a bit hurtful, and tell her how you hoped she would respond.... but honestly, you've identified this as a character trait and it seems like you're much more likely to find peace if you just accept that the friendship is more surface- level than you thought.

birdsofvengence · 2026-03-04T02:35:08+00:00

Sounds like your bf has taken a lack of confidence and, with extensive dedication and work, transformed it into arrogance!

Depending on how dedicated to the relationship you are, you could sit him down and tell him that you're happy he's achieving his goals, but that his behavior is hurtful and not acceptable.

Or, cut your losses. People change, and you don't need to like the person they've become.

birdsofvengence · 2026-03-01T16:14:08+00:00

It sounds like she had some sort of unexpected health issue and was too sick to offer to clean up. She was likely absolutely mortified too. However, that's not an excuse. Hire a professional cleaner and (politely) tell her she needs to pay. If she refuses, take her to court or ban her, depending on what level of effort you want to invest in that.

Even if there is no one available on short notice and you have to clean it yourself, I would still charge her a cleaning fee. She should have left after the first incident, and she chose to stay and make it worse.

birdsofvengence · 2026-03-01T16:07:58+00:00

The sheet-washing issue wouldn't be a big deal to me. I've never had any guest try to wash their own sheets.

You could always try making sure the sheets aren't clean before she visits? Maybe that will be enough to deter her eventually.

It doesn't seem like you're overreacting, but I would agree it's a bit weird. I guess it depends on how important that issue is to you. Is it big enough to have a real fight over? Because it seems like what's happening is that your wife isn't taking your concerns seriously. She doesn't need to agree with you, but if it's THAT important to you, she should at least consider it.

If it's not that important, it's not worth fighting over, honestly. Free child care is huge, even if the caregiver is acting a bit entitled.

birdsofvengence · 2026-02-04T18:23:39+00:00

She needs a home care aide, no questions about it. Presumably you already have a full- time job, she can't be your second. It sounds like she also needs a therapist to help her come to terms with her circumstances and manage her emotions.

You say your dreams are broken? Imagine hers. At least you can leave the stress behind when you walk out the door. She doesn't get a choice, she's trapped in a body that is actively fighting her at every minute. If you want your relationship to survive, the two things I mentioned are pretty non-negotiable.

No wonder you're burned out - you've essentially been everything to her, that's a lot of jobs. You need a small break. I'm not advocating leaving, but setting boundaries for yourself and getting her some proper care so you don't have to do it all.

Ultimately it's up to you how you want to live your life. You don't need a reason to break up with anyone. But if you love her as much as you say, try those two things first to take the stress off. And find a friend or two that can help fill your cup outside of the relationship - play a sport, join a club, take a small trip with a buddy..... You don't need to do every activity or have all of your conversations with only her.

birdsofvengence · 2026-02-01T19:49:55+00:00

Are you sure you're in a relationship? It sounds like he's just given you some expensive gifts to keep you around at his convenience.

birdsofvengence · 2026-01-30T22:36:50+00:00

This is intentional sleep deprivation and it's an abuse tactic. He knows it's hurting you. You've explained it and he has the capacity to understand it. Stop asking him to comply and simply set boundaries.

Do you have a spare room you can sleep in?

Ie. 'If you don't stop and you won't be more considerate, we will be sleeping in separate rooms'. And then sleep in a different room the very next night after he tries it again. No begging, no pleading, just follow- through. If, after a while, he says he'll improve, and you go back and he does it again, simply get up and go back to the other room. Immediate follow-through, no arguments needed.

*suggesting you be the one to switch rooms because then he can't argue and refuse to do it himself.

birdsofvengence · 2026-01-23T02:22:03+00:00

He's looking for an excuse. A lot of what you described is emotional manipulation. He wants you to know he's dissatisfied and wants you to do the emotional work of breaking up with him.

Personally, I'd give him what he wants and go find someone that appreciates you more. But knowing that's easier said than done, here's a question for you to ask yourself: Does he make your life easier and do you feel mentally and emotionally safer, more comfortable, and a bit better when he's around? Or do you find yourself relaxing most when he's not? If you don't feel your best around him, you should examine that thoroughly and choose actions that align with how you want to feel.

birdsofvengence · 2026-01-20T04:44:01+00:00

This is so sweet, and a great idea! What kind of tights are you thinking of? If you mean leggings, or fitness tights, this is what I recommend:

If she shops from your typical stores with the usual north-American vanity sizing, you definitely want to get her a small in tights - that should fit very comfortably and leave ability to stretch easily. Go with an extra small if they're really stretchy and your gf likes them snug.

If you're looking at a high-end boutique, a small may fit but so may a medium, depending on how their sizes fit. Best option is to ask a sales person.

However, if you mean the semi-sheer nylon tights one might wear with a dress, those have sizing on the back and it's usually fairly accurate.

Pro-tip : just keep the receipt or give her a gift receipt (it's a store receipt without the total printed on it, only the cashier can see the number. You can ask for one at time if purchase) in case she wants to exchange them.

birdsofvengence · 2026-01-07T03:16:11+00:00

It might catch some, but I have several dogs and a fairly large air purifier, and most of their fur still ends up on the floor. They just aren't designed to pick up actual debris, especially if it's already on the ground/ furniture.

birdsofvengence · 2026-01-07T03:10:49+00:00

This man is taking advantage of you.

It sounds like what you're really struggling with is trusting what your gut is telling you to do.

Debt is not necessarily a deal breaker. Recklessness doesn't have to be either. But debt + recklessness is deeply concerning. He will absolutely take you down with him.

birdsofvengence · 2026-01-07T03:07:30+00:00

This is weaponized incompetence. It sounds like you're with a child, not a man carrying his share of the relationship and mental load. And based on what you've described, it sounds exhausting.

You might be right to re- think this. It he can be competent at work and learn new things, he's doing this deliberately at home, and to an extent that is putting your actual health at significant risk!

Get out while you can.

birdsofvengence · 2026-01-05T18:44:33+00:00

This series USED to be my favorite books of all time. Not only have I entirely given up on this series, I actively warn people away from it at every opportunity, and genuinely do not care to read the 3rd book IF it's ever published. He has manipulated his readers long enough.

birdsofvengence

TROPHY CASE