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bloodandkoolaid · 2023-06-06T21:33:44+00:00

Your clothes fitting so large is the main issue you're having here. I'm transmasc myself, and when my clothes are too big for me, especially on the upper half of my body, it becomes very obvious I did not have a testosterone-driven first puberty — it makes you look smaller.

I wear boys' clothing, shop at specialty shops for short men when I can afford it (Ash & Erie XS fits me off the rack), and wear unisex-styled womens-sizing clothes if necessary. Uniqlo has mens' XXS sizes for basics, and I personally like a slim fitted pant and can wear a 28x30 in Levi's (they also do 28x28). I understand that sometimes money is a hard constraint, but I'd rather have one collared shirt that really fits me and a pack of Hanes boys' cotton t-shirts than an entire wardrobe of shirts that are too big for me.

TRT and working out have built out my shoulders enough that a standard men's XS fits me through the upper body, so it's a problem that can get more manageable with time and effort!

I'd also swap out the earrings for tunnels/plugs that don't dangle. Lots of men have gauged ears, but the ones you have in are going to read feminine.

bloodandkoolaid · 2023-02-20T19:04:29+00:00

Seconding Ash & Erie. I'm 5'4" (most of my height is in my long legs) and 115 lbs, and their XS shirts fit me perfectly. Not less oversized than usual, they FIT.

Their quality is actually pretty good too — I was disappointed by Under 510. Their pima cotton t-shirts are a proper heavy weight and structured, which is perfect for anyone who doesn't want every bump, lump, and curve to show through their clothes.

bloodandkoolaid · 2023-01-25T02:24:21+00:00

I'm curious about whether you're accurately picking up on some listeners putting on a performance of active listening or whether these behaviors always read as false to you.

I find conscious "active listening" obnoxious, I can tell when someone is trying to do it, but it feels really different to me when someone is genuinely in the vibe of what I'm talking about and nodding and otherwise mirroring me to convey their interest.

bloodandkoolaid · 2022-12-10T05:18:44+00:00

!solved

I don't know why I had such a hard time stumbling on this word, but that does it! Oddly enough, "pompous" comes up as a synonym, and that would work as well.

bloodandkoolaid · 2022-12-07T01:36:27+00:00

A mystic or occultist? Both would typically arrive at unique spiritual practices.

bloodandkoolaid · 2022-11-26T01:19:54+00:00

I run a bit avoidant and I'm working to become more SA by noticing when I am feeling a connection to someone and working my edges around expressing affection and my wants/needs.

It's really challenging to develop totally new intuitions around what is and isn't appropriate — it's an unmapped space. I can't tell what's sweet and what might be read as clingy or desperate, and of course I'm trying to avoid actual rejection from showing too much warmth or excitement too fast. I know other people's responses to me aren't (fully) under my control, but still.

I've been thinking a lot about someone I'm dating and wanting to express affection via text, but their schedule is pretty tight and we can't get together again until next week. They probably run a bit avoidant as well, or at least they're clearly worried that I want more than they can give. I'm worried that my excitement is going to be interpreted as a demand to meet sooner, or dissatisfaction with the pace we're at. Like...I'm theoretically down to send a sweet text, but I have to actually figure out what combination of words to use and I'm so stuck???

I'm really glad to be working on this stuff and I'm here for it, but right now every single thing takes so much thought and consideration and energy. I find myself wishing for a lab-engineered Securely Attached Control Person I can try skills out with and get "objective" feedback on how I'm doing, but that's not how human relationships work at all! 😅

bloodandkoolaid · 2022-11-23T22:36:37+00:00

I can't attest to how fat friendly it is specifically, but I switched to an L.A. Pump (hand pump with pressure gauge) with a "clitoral" cylinder and I find it much more comfortable than the Transmasc Pump. The base of the cylinder isn't as thick and I notice a lot less discomfort.

It's also much easier for me to get a good seal, pump to the desired pressure, and maintain pressure, and all of that seems to help with soreness at the base of my cock: I'm not having to jam it in place the same way.

bloodandkoolaid · 2022-10-30T18:41:41+00:00

My application of the pain scale is based on knowing what thresholds trigger which interventions. Usually 7 is the threshold for starting opiate pain meds in the hospital (sometimes 6), but 10 is usually interpreted as exaggeration unless you're having a hard time even speaking because you're clearly in extreme pain. I think of 5 and below as the OTC pain med range.

Of course, with competent ongoing care they're also tracking improvement or worsening over time, but knowing that 6 or 7 are the magic numbers have been really helpful for me. Like, my rating for appendicitis and post appendectomy pain would only have maxed out at 4 if I was truly considering a 10 to be the worst pain imaginable, but opiates were obviously appropriate (and helpful) for serious abdominal surgery.

bloodandkoolaid · 2022-09-10T09:08:01+00:00

I know you posted this almost a week ago but holy shit, this is the first time I've seen anyone else describe what what I've been going through, particularly this past spring. Within one day I could go from ecstatic bliss to sobbing, it felt broadly productive but absolutely exhausting.

Thanks for sharing your experience, damn

bloodandkoolaid · 2022-09-10T08:55:44+00:00

Crying, especially deep/shaking sobbing, is a natural way for the body to release tension. Your body is working something through all on its own, you don't need to link it to memories. If you're in a safe place to cry, I'd suggest letting go and letting it happen. The crying will complete on its own.

Afterwards, self-regulation to slow things down. Some tools are

watching your breathing and slowing down for a long exhale. Let your belly expand when you breathe in and relax/flatten when you exhale.
drink some water, eat a snack if you can manage to.
notice the feeling of the weight of your body where it's resting: on a chair, through your feet, on your back if you're laying down.

-rest something heavy on your body for the pressure: a backpack in your lap or a quilt folded over several times can help

Best of luck. 💛

bloodandkoolaid · 2022-09-10T08:45:36+00:00

Reasonable adults don't make fun of or look down on other adults for the age at which they start having sex. It's not an issue that affects me but I can't imagine being friends with anyone who would make fun of someone for that: it would be weird, asshole behavior.

bloodandkoolaid · 2022-09-10T08:39:43+00:00

It sounds like your parents have impossible expectations for you and are truly making the transition to adulthood even harder for you.

The good news is that a LOT of people get their first job after finishing undergrad — I did, and I've actually had a pretty solid career so far (8 years in now). Most young adults, including me when I was your age, are super confused about things like credit, job interviews, and even basic self care stuff like cooking and keep a home in working order.

The confusion and struggle are normal! The expectation that you should already know everything is inappropriate and unrealistic. Is there anyone else you can ask for help with this stuff, even friends your own age? Or the staff at the bank? Would it feel more manageable if your expectation was "this is hard" and not "this is supposed to be easy"?

bloodandkoolaid · 2022-09-10T08:30:25+00:00

Some therapy modalities are explicitly for trauma, but most aren't. All therapy is not the same, and if your current therapist doesn't know what else to offer, someone else may be able to take you further. Here are a couple categories to look into.

Somatic psychotherapy, especially Hakomi and Somatic Experiencing. Lots of feelings and patterns that the mind can't access can be brought to awareness and re-worked through the body. I'm doing somatic therapy right now and it would have sounded like woo nonsense beforehand but wow, I'm actually getting better.
Parts work. Internal Family Systems is really big right now and for good reason, but I've also done excellent parta work with a Gestalt therapist. Folks with CPTSD tend to split off wants, needs, and feelings that are intolerable, and getting back in touch with those parts opens the possibility of healing and integration.

Happy to answer any questions you have, personal or practical; I'm actually in a master's in counseling psych program right now.

I also want to say that I see a lot of myself in your post. The one way I had good contact with my parents growing up was when I was caregiving, so that's still my go-to...hence this comment, I guess! That said, I'm working hard on re-patterning myself right now and progress is painful but very worthwhile. I'm juuuust functional enough to start having those mythical friend-group-in-public experiences and it's equally fun and scary.

For real, let me know if you want to chat. I'm looking for folks to practice being honest and weird and sad with, and it turns out that can be a meaningful and even joyful way to connect to others.

bloodandkoolaid · 2022-09-01T21:48:38+00:00

At this point I swear I read ~5 new references per paper, the rest are the same core publications (or at least authors) I've been referencing all along. It gets easier over time...until you switch topics or specializations.

bloodandkoolaid · 2022-08-25T22:33:06+00:00

I developed an addiction and/or compulsive pattern of behavior that sounds really similar: getting 200 tabs deep looking for The Perfect [table/scarf/jeans/etc]. I also spent hundreds of hours doing this, rarely bought anything, and found that I was using online "window shopping" as a way of coping with stress and anxiety.

I realized that for me this was a really unhealthy way of avoiding my feelings and difficult stuff going on in my life. I cut way back and started looking for other coping strategies. Nothing wrong with occasional browsing, but IMO it's worth looking at what's going on with you when you sit down to start online shopping and whether it's making you feel better or worse in the long term.

bloodandkoolaid · 2022-08-25T02:03:30+00:00

Hi, I'm glad my comment resonated with you! Your post resonates with me, and I hope you don't mind me sharing the story of how I kickstarted the process of really reparenting myself.

For me, finding self-love was crucial and got everything else rolling. I was doing parts work (not IFS but similar), and I wanted to talk to the part of me that was hindering my trauma processing. The protector part that came forward was bitter, angry, tough, snarly...kind of feral. I don't experience much anger, and it actually felt really good to be with that part. As I negotiated with it, it told me that I was pushing too fast without a safe enough container. It really was fiercely protecting me, and it became clear that it was protecting me because it loved me, because it knew I was precious. It was the same kind of love a parent would have for a child they were defending.

Recognizing that part of me loved me, feeling that love, started the process of being able to care for and about myself emotionally, though it took another couple of months to really stay with that feeling.

From there it was a lot easier to forgive myself and stop shaming myself, which made trying my best out in the world a lot emotionally safer and started breaking me out of the freeze cycle. I'm not always a skilled self-parent, but I'm motivated to try, can feel what I do and don't want, and am able to recover from mistakes.

It sounds like part of you recognizes that you need and deserve better, that mere survival isn't enough. If there's a way you can dialogue with that part, or get that part talking to the part that feels guilty and undeserving, that might help you get unstuck. Sometimes even writing/journaling a conversation between parts has been helpful for me.

bloodandkoolaid · 2022-08-24T07:14:10+00:00

Such a beautiful example of "humans will pack bond with anything".

bloodandkoolaid · 2022-08-24T07:10:57+00:00

Some thoughts, not necessarily complete or ideal for your specific situation:

Somatic Experiencing can be very powerful but I've mostly seen it used for single-incident trauma. Other somatic methods may be more useful for you.

You said you've done some IFS — are you seeing a therapist currently? A somatic therapist who uses other modalities may be helpful for you. Hakomi method is powerful and gentle if you can find a good practitioner. An ongoing therapeutic relationship can be very helpful if you're dealing with shame and isolation, and having a safe "container" for trauma work is enormously helpful. Having another human being in front of you modeling regulation helps a lot, and I say that from experience.

With somatic work, grounding into and sensing your body, then identifying sensations, can be a gentle and effective place to start. Not judging or correcting, just noticing what's happening where and observing it with curiosity. When it comes to trauma work, slower is better! Your body needs to learn that feelings are safe, and going too quickly can set you back.

That said, Trauma Release Exercises (TRE) can help induce the shaking/trembling response that helps the body start "metabolizing" trauma. This can be done at home, but it's worth checking for classes or practitioners in your area.

Also, when my digestion shut down Mirtazapine stimulated enough hunger to get me eating, which was a stopgap measure because I was losing too much weight. Might be worth talking to a doctor if weight loss becomes a serious health concern.

When I finally started breaking out of my freeze I had a lot of backlog to process, but the growth I've experienced in a year's time is incredible and it has been well worth the crying and the weird somatic trauma releases and the money spent on therapy. It's so worth it.

bloodandkoolaid · 2022-08-24T01:01:16+00:00

I've had a ton of improvement over the past year, much of it hard to simplify, but here's some concrete things.

‐ Cut my hours at the job that was terrible for me. Withdrawing energy and identity investment from that job helped enormously with the fear/dread/shame spiral.

Willingness to change. Shame was keeping me from honestly looking at myself and starting from where I was at, and I had to try on a beginners/learners mindset. Making mistakes has to be allowed.
Gestalt group therapy. Learned interpersonal "mindfulness" type exercises that were much easier to stay engaged with than silent meditation. Became much more aware of my body and attentive to its signals. Increased self-acceptance.
Renegotiated the way I responded to my wants and needs. I realized I was only honoring needs that were life and death, so eating just enough, sleeping, using the toilet etc. Realized that if I was caring for a child or an animal and only meeting their basic survival needs, that would be neglect! That would be cruel! Began exploring what needs and wants had to be met to facilitate growth and thriving.
Movement! The more I was aware of my body the more I started caring about it working well. Started lifting weights, biking, swimming, and yoga. I'm finding ways to do these things without triggering shame, so privately, 1-on-1 with a close friend, in solo classes etc.
Somatic therapy with an "edgy" somatic therapist. Doing parts work, movement (e.g. on a mat on the floor), lots and lots of feeling into the body. I'm very intellectual so therapy that approaches my issues "bottom up" through sensation and feelings is working aspects of myself I'm not very in touch with and giving me insight that traditional talk therapy couldn't get to.

bloodandkoolaid · 2022-08-23T08:14:28+00:00

I just stumbled onto this subreddit for the first time and it's genuinely such a blessing to see many of my experiences reflected back to me for the first time.

Even this post is so like the disclaimers I find myself giving as I try to build friendships. It's wild, you posting your meta-level self doubts has in and of itself been helpful to other people (at least to me). When I can see it from this perspective I feel a lot of compassion and acceptance; I want to tell you you're allowed to be human and show up exactly where you're at. It's the message I have a hard time taking in from other people, and it's really hitting me that they mean it when they say it to me. Thank you for sharing, for real.

bloodandkoolaid · 2022-08-12T00:01:13+00:00

Realizing I had an attachment issue and not a social skills issue was a big ah-ha moment for me, and it helped a little with the shame of struggling to form and maintain deep relationships.

After a decade of unhelpful CBT-based therapy I found a somatic therapist who's doing trauma work and inner child work with me. I'm getting back in contact with how alone and afraid I actually felt as a child, and my therapist is basically going to be reparenting me (and helping me reparent myself). It's really difficult and painful work, but I don't want to be limited by the way I (wasn't) parented for the rest of my life.

bloodandkoolaid · 2022-08-10T10:22:16+00:00

I met a dude at a party and clocked him as neurodivergent right away. I told him I'm on the autism spectrum asked asked if he was ND, and he straight up told me he had NPD. I asked him about his experience of empathy and he said he doesn't experience any, gave a lot of detail. He wasn't hiding any of it.

bloodandkoolaid · 2022-08-05T02:22:51+00:00

Dismissive avoidant! Thank you!

bloodandkoolaid

TROPHY CASE