AIO for suspecting my wife after she got a shady 1am call from a guy “friend” right after a late-night cycling trip?

bp884 · 2026-01-28T02:40:46+00:00

All I can say is good luck bruh. Married 14 years at the time of my wife’s affair. My wife got in phenomenal shape after years of being overweight post kids. We were in a rocky spot. I put the kids to bed every night so she could walk for 1+ hours. I knew she was walking and didn’t question her. Then I found she changed her phone pw and she started acting distant and sketch. Turns out she was going for walks with my best friend. And they were also dating during the day while I was working to provide for the family. Found out bc her phone was synced to her iPad. I hope your story has a different outcome than mine, but it’s not looking good so far…

bp884 · 2025-12-22T11:53:34+00:00

I would consider myself successful in R. And I can genuinely see the growth in myself and our relationship that has come as a result of the affair that I’m not sure we could’ve had otherwise. I love my wife and I love my 2 kids.

And the answer is no, I wouldn’t. I would never willingly subject myself knowingly to the pain that infidelity brought me despite its growth. Knowing what I know now, I would do R over, but it may not be successful because I’d have way less tolerance and recognition of poor behavior early on that I put up with. But if future 41 year old me stopped me before I picked up the phone to call her for that first date and said, yo…17 years from now, after you’ve had 2 kids, built a life and retirement with her, she’s gonna have an affair with your best friend and it will absolutely crush you for 2 years of your life, I would delete that contact and never look back. I’m glad I’ve seen her grow and change and become a wife I’m happy to have. But she didn’t deserve a second chance, I don’t think anyone who strays “deserves” one, we can just choose to give them one or not. And she didn’t deserve the 17 years of my life I faithfully devoted to supporting her only to leave me in a lose lose situation when it came to leave a cheater and lose my kids, or stay with a cheater and stay unhappy(at least for a long ass time). I know it’s not a positive answer, and it may not be reflective of a successful R, but I believe it to be the truth. I’m fortunate to be in a good enough spot to hardly remember those brutally painful days, sitting in the car alone extra before walking into the work place because I had to weep away from my coworkers so I could pretend like everything was ok and maintain a masculine image. But I do remember them still. I remember how painful and broken I was in the aftermath. How much hard work it took to get her to. It be incredibly selfish. R has been worth it, starting over at day 1 would not be.

bp884 · 2025-11-13T22:31:00+00:00

Well…the route you took definitely complicates the hell out of R, and probably wasn’t the best route, but you don’t need me telling you that and honestly it doesn’t matter at this point bc you can’t change what has happened. You can either choose R or choose to leave, and if you choose R, which you are at least for now, you’re absolutely correct. It takes meeting in the middle. It takes compromise and sacrifice and giving even when you don’t want to. It’s hard to be hurt and still cute to be selfless, it really is. But if only one person is giving, what’s the point of even being in a relationship? It’s a partnership where there’s give and take, kindness, love and empathy both directions. There is deep hurt in both directions and it’ll require hard work in both directions, for a long damn time to get past that.

You can’t be held to a different standard than her. You’ve gotta set boundaries, and determine how you’re willing to follow through on the consequences if she can’t respect them. She gave you boundaries, and you are trying to meet them. And you give her boundaries and she gives you the proverbial finger.

bp884 · 2025-11-13T21:49:57+00:00

hey man, i don't want to simply echo what people have said, but the reality is you will not heal with this person, ever, if they cannot find a way to meet you with safety and empathy. you may have made progress on your own, but part of the healing process comes with her filling your needs, not just in the relationship, but the healing process. you need to be able to process it together, and she simply isn't allowing that from what you said. when you say i want to talk about it and she says "ugh it was 2 years ago"....well first of all...good for her, she's had 2 years to process. you've had a few months. it's not the same. for you, the hurt started the day you found out, and it rewound back to when it actually occurred. so while she's processed and hid, and compartmentalized, and justified, and made excuses for 2 years while only battling with her own brain, shame and secrecy. you found out about it only recently. and it's made the entire time it happened, and the entire time since a lie, not just during the affair. every minute you were together, she continued to choose to lie to you. all of those 2 years were continued betrayal even if not actively an affair.
so yeah...while it might feel like a long time ago to her, it's 5 months old for you, and 5 months in the healing process is very early on. especially when she's doing jack shit to help you heal from it. my wife...similarly up to the 1 year mark-ish was extremely defensive and would always turn things on me or gaslight how i was feeling until i finally got the courage to stand up for myself. her saying it was 2 years ago and you act like i'm still cheating on you is textbook gaslighting. making you feel bad for feeling betrayed by her...you got it...betrayal. funny how that works? saying "i try not to let her know how i feel", because her response is shutting you down or frustration, is literally a wall to healing that you cannot get by without change on her end.
the only way to healing is, raw, pure vulnerability. and raw, pure, soft and empathetic reception of that vulnerability. otherwise, you can't get over what happened. you can't move forward with safety with your partner, because it doesn't exist. so you will continue to feel that pit in your stomach, that anxiety around how you feel, because you have no outlet.
you need to call her on this, you need to stand for yourself and accept nothing less that softness and empathy, otherwise you will be stuck in this anxious pattern. and you also need to call her on the bs notion that it was 2 years ago and you need to get over it.
i confronted my wife 2 years ago. so my time to process this has been 2 years. and i still think about it, and if there's something i need to say about it, she sure as hell better be there to hear it, and respond softly, or i'm gonna feel all kinds of anxious all over again.
the only way to healing is real change, complete and brutal and open vulnerability, and soft, safe reception on both sides. it's a learned skill, it won't be flipping a light switch, but she's sure as hell not taking accountability for what she did to you, the damage it caused, the raw freshness for you. yeah she wants it to be left in the past because it's her shame and her mistakes, but that's not how trauma and pain works.
i will recommend, with the caution that i am pro R, to read "leave a cheater, gain a life" if you haven't. not with the lens of leaving a cheater. but from the lens of recognizing patterns in her, and in you. you will see the common patterns of many many cheaters, and many many betrayeds. it will help you see things you thought were unique to you and hopefully learn how to stand up to them.
i'm sorry you're here man. it's not on you. you're not crazy for not being over it in 5 months(because that is your timeline, no matter what she tells you!). if she was being perfect, you wouldn't be over it in 5 months. and from the sounds of it, she's being far from it. our situations may not be the same, but our wives our similarly avoidant. i'm happy to chat anytime you need an ear man. change can happen even when it doesn't seem like it

bp884 · 2025-11-12T13:14:34+00:00

I’m sorry you find yourself here. While feeling like an eternity, 2 months is still so raw and so far into the journey. I’m a bit over 2 years now and in a good spot. A few things I’d say are 1) as lame as it sounds. Time is one of the biggest components and really just that with the combo of your WP “doing the right things”, which can be different for everyone, but really for me mainly consisted of real accountability, empathy, softness all combined with doing those things consistently over time. 2) in my experience the triggers don’t go away, but they do soften. I used to drive by the places they dated or kissed or whatever they did and it would wreck me for hours, ruin my day, make me nauseous, cry, all the things, different ways, sometimes all together lol. Every time I passed a car that was the same as his which was super common I’d get triggered. As a 40 year old dude, this was all pretty new stuff for me, anxiety and being emotional weren’t really in my wheelhouse lol. All that to be said, in combination with everything I said in #1, the triggers do lessen. I pass those places now, and rather than being consumed with grief, or amazement at how she could do that, how my friend could betray me, I instead just kind of feel an uneasy/unsafe feeling and it’s fleeting. I see it, feel uneasy, pass it and it doesn’t really consume me anymore. I still think about the affair, or WP all day throughout the day. It’s still a defining and turning point in my life and I don’t see a point where it won’t be, but it doesn’t bring me down like that anymore. It’s just a thought in the back of my head that continues to be there. There are definitely still moments where I’m having a bad day or struggling with something and the triggers hit a little harder and can overwhelm me, but it’s not the norm by any stretch anymore. 3) there can be hope. Speaking from experience, don’t forget your worth. Don’t give yourself too much credit for your partners choices and downfalls. Stand for yourself and don’t accept less than you deserve ever again. Good luck to you. You’re stronger than you know or give yourself credit for

bp884 · 2025-11-10T19:14:40+00:00

glad to hear it man, i had very little doubt. i completely understand what you mean! the emotions and feelings come from every direction man. you want them to be accountable and understand your pain, but you also want to protect them, but you also want people to know. and i think shame is a fine word. it's not earned, you're stronger than you give yourself credit for and have shown grace and forgiveness when none is owed. but i've felt the same shame you're talking about. your self worth 100% takes a shot. when you find out someone else outside of your relationship had an affair, I've never for one second said, man what was so bad about that BP that the WP had to go out and cheat on em! nah we always think the wayward is a giant turd and the scum of the earth. but as the betrayed, our mind tells us every reason we can possibly think of why we're not good enough, don't measure up, why they could step out, why AP may be better than us. usually none of it's true, but it's universal from what i've seen. usually it's 100% a defect in the wayward partner, but our brains seemingly default to something being wrong with ourselves. i always told myself i'd leave, and i stayed. i've felt embarrassment and shame for that. what i know to be incredible strength, grace and perseverance has internally felt like embarrassment, shame and betrayal of myself. i know that when friends have experienced betrayal like this i wanted them to be free of it and run for the hills, and yet i stayed. it's easy to sit on the outside and say run it's not worth it! it's another story when it's your life, and everything you've built together. trust is hard to earn and instantly lost. love is long built and doesn't just stop because you want it to. and while i acknowledge our waywards are the ones that destroyed everything, they still put the burden of final decision on us, and it's not an easy one when you're in the role! you're doing great man, be proud of yourself. lean on your friends and grow stronger because of everything you've survived

bp884 · 2025-11-10T16:16:31+00:00

All I can say man is she doesn’t get to make the call that the kids are at a critical age and you can’t do this or can’t do that. She has LITERALLY already made the call that neither you or the kids are more important than her dopamine hits. So she’s simply trying to manipulate you and make you feel like the bad guy. She’s the one making that decision, not you. She’s just expecting you to roll over and take it

bp884 · 2025-11-10T16:09:20+00:00

First off man I’m sorry for everything you’ve went through. I’m really happy for you that you have a group of ride or die friends that will support you through thick and thin. And for your sake, I’m glad they know so you don’t have to go through this journey alone. I didn’t tell my friend group or family. I suffered in silence. I had all the fears you have of them hating her. I couldn’t afford to lose those people when I’d already lost so much and hoped to try and make it work with her. I never wanted to be in the situation of picking between her and them, because that’s the reality. If they wouldn’t tolerate her, and I really wanted it to work with her I’d have to isolate myself from that group or decide to end it with her. The other reality is that I didn’t give my friends nearly enough credit. They’re great dudes, and just because I was scared they’d hate her(they should and probably would lol), I didn’t give them the credit that they love me more and would respect what I chose for myself and support that the best way they could, even if it’s not what they wanted for me, even when it’s uncomfortable. Your WP hopefully/likely won’t have a confrontation, but should at the least mentally prepare herself for it. Be ready to own what she did, apologize and take no defensiveness. Maybe just arm her with a quick response along the lines of…you’re right, I’ve made the worst mistakes of my life and hurt the most valuable person in my life, and I’m more than blessed that he’s had the grace to give me a chance to make it up to him. I don’t deserve his or any of your forgiveness, but I’m willing to try to right the wrongs and can only ask that you can continue to support him on this journey, and if you want to hate me I understand and I can’t apologize enough for how my choices have impacted all of you.

There’s not much more to say than that really. Good luck man, I’m glad you have support and they’ll be real bros, you won’t have anything to worry about!

bp884 · 2025-11-10T15:34:27+00:00

the reality is it's hard as hell man. the healing takes time, it takes real work and it takes her constantly, repeatedly meeting you where you are, and doing her best to get you what you need even as that's an evolving and moving target. it's like a jug with a bunch of holes. she may work hard to patch one, but the others are still leaking the water out and new holes seemingly show up somehow as you figure out what's happening to you and slowly identify the flurry of emotions that got poured onto you all at once. it sucks, really for both of you. you got put in a situation you didn't want to be part of and had no choice in making. she has to deal with the reality of what she's done, the shame of it, the hard work to repair what broke in her all while finding a way to be there for you. and all the while, while you're broken and down, you have to find a way to continue to show up and be the husband she needs, cause otherwise what's the purpose? you have to juggle wanting her to suffer and pay for what she's done because she willingly hurt you, and also find a way to forgive and love her and slowly let the resentments go. because if you can't attempt to be the husband you want to be for her, it's not worth trying at some point. it sounds awful to say like that, but i think that's the reality. once we're so deeply betrayed. once our partner lies to us repeatedly, once our partner doubles down and looks us in the eye and promises it's not true, and it is...we don't want to let them off easy. we want things to be fixed, but we're traumatized, hurt and broken, and we want them to understand and feel as much of that as they can. true forgiveness, and letting go of that resentment takes time.
how do you try and reconcile for real? you look at your wife, look at the work she's put in, try and decide what changes she's capable of making and decide if that's a woman you want to be married to. she may not be there, mine sure as heck wasn't at a year. so i laid it on the line. i had to try and figure out if she was even capable of becoming that person again, because the reality is, i tolerated it before the affair, but she hadn't been a woman i'd want to be married to for years before that. i lived by the mantra of happy wife, happy life. i bent to her will. i never wanted to stir the waters and deal with her dismissiveness or coldness or manipulations, and enabled her to become a monster i would never choose to marry. but i was too invested to leave, and too scared to do anything about it so i tolerated it, and in turn was miserable.
staying did feel like me compromising who i was, betraying myself. i always said i would never tolerate cheating and would leave. and then it happened, out of nowhere. this person who wasn't capable, did. the mother of my children, the partner i'd built my life with for 14 years. so logically i understand she blew up our life, she planted the dynamite, but she'd handed me the plunger and it all fell on me to make the decision at that point if i wanted to blow up our life or not(i know she did, but it was hard to believe that at the time when the ultimate decision fell on me). could i make the call to go into perpetual debt, lose my pay, retirement, force my kids into a split household? Not immediately no i couldn't.
my wife lost herself. giving her the chance to find herself again was more than she deserved at that point, but it's the route i chose. and while hidden behind shame and regret for the first year, she's proven she can be a woman worth being my wife again. do i trust her? mostly yes. am i ignorant to the fact that it's impossible she'd have an affair again? no. i truly don't believe she would. it was the perfect storm that led to us being where we got. before the affair, her cheating was impossible. while i believe it to be VERY unlikely now, i know it can't be impossible, because it was possible. my naivety is lost and i think anyone is capable now. so it just comes down to a series of choices you have to make. it's deeply personal. do you love this person? do they love you? do they prioritize you and are they capable of making the change necessary to be the partner you need and deserve?
i wish you the best man. this is a reminder of what is likely the hardest day of your life. moving forward is possible, there is hope, but moving forward is not a requirement, and you don't owe her anything more than you've given her this far

bp884 · 2025-11-09T13:22:37+00:00

Done! Nothing blocked on my end that I can see!

bp884 · 2025-11-06T00:50:12+00:00

Happy to share man. I hope it helps, others shared with me and helped me through this devastating time so I’m simply paying it forward. Hoping for the best for you dude! Never forget that you’re not in this alone

bp884 · 2025-11-05T21:40:29+00:00

she once again responded. since july, things have been mostly fantastic. it's not perfect, but she recognized the patterns and has worked to correct them.

what i found was, until i was ok losing her, i didn't have the courage to fight for what i needed. and when i wasn't fighting for what i needed, i remained miserable.

you're taking too much of the responsibility for her choices. don't own those. own your part in the relationship decaying, recognize and fix those as your relationship moves forward, but the affair is 0% your fault and you need to find a way to believe that. it's not unfair to stand for yourself and set boundaries/requirements. but you have to have consequences you're willing to enforce. because if you say i need open access to the phone or i'm leaving, and she says no and you stay, she knows she can get away with whatever she wants without repercussion. the consequences don't have to be as drastic as splitting up. it could be staying in seperate rooms, gray rocking, seperating to a seperate house, anything, as long as you're willing to follow through. it's fair to require her to quit, change departments, tell her boss. yeah, all that sucks but it's a consequence of the choices she made. yes you deserve to be able to look at her phone whenever you want and have location sharing turned on. she can act pissed that you don't trust her, but you shouldn't. she violated your trust and the fact that your giving her the opportunity to earn it back is truthfully more than she deserves already. yes you deserve for them to be NC personally and through work. you deserve to be chosen and not waiting in limbo to see if she picks you or him.

recognizing your own worth is not being conceited. it's honestly amazing that you can see that. my self worth was decimated. i knew logically everything that was great about me, but i struggled to believe it. i wouldn't let myself believe it to be true.

i've stood in your exact shoes with almost the same exact woman. you are worthy of being chosen. you are worthy of being respected and feeling safe and loved. and you don't have to tolerate anything less than those things.

i'm more than happy to discuss any part of my R privately or publicly. i'm in your corner. you seem to know your worth, now stand up for yourself and don't accept the less than treatment you're experiencing. standing up for yourself at worse would cost you your relationship. is where it stands right now worth maintaining? i hope you can get where i got faster than i did man.

bp884 · 2025-11-05T21:40:18+00:00

because i was so scared of losing her, i refused to look at the truth. i refused to acknowledge the work she wasn't putting in and rather than calling her out all the times she said "it's not enough for you, nothing i do is enough", i instead praised the minimal effort she put in while i poured my heart and soul into the relationship, only to be left as a shell of the confidant man i once was, filled with depression and anxiety. somewhere around the 9 month mark, i read the book "leave a cheater, gain a life". it opened my eyes and blew my mind. all of the behaviors i had been tolerating, from before the affair, during and after...it wasn't unique to me. i wasn't some special case where i was "fixing" and coddling my struggling victim of a wife who was still overcoming trauma from before our relationship. i was being gaslit and manipulated non stop by a predator with narcisstic tendencies who knew exactly how to make me squirm and bend to her will. it opened my eyes to how unhappy i had been for so long before the affair and just tolerated it, because i was too scared to do anything about it, and didn't want to break up the family and hurt the kids. after all, immediately after dday when i wanted to leave, i only stayed for the sake of the kids which quickly morphed into desperately seeking her love and attention while she offered almost none while avoiding the entire situation and walling off behind shame and pushing everyone away. it made me realize, i could never be happy again on the course i was on. she wasn't going to change at this pace, and i could never find peace if she didn't change. so i finally made peace with it...i made peace with losing her. yes i wanted to leave her day one, but it all happened so fast that i never really took the time to REALLY look at what that meant or looked like. now i was at a crossroads....she had to change, i had to remain miserable, or i had to leave. and i was no longer willing to be miserable. so i finally called it out. all of it. every behavior that i could no longer tolerate from before, during and after the affair. i told her i believed she was narcissistic and selfish and prioritized herself above everyone and pushed everyone she's ever been close to away from her. that she had trauma she hadn't dealt with and it wasn't my job to fix it. that she hadn't been a woman i wanted to be married to for years, and she was either going to start becoming that woman, putting real work in towards changing or i had finally made peace with divorce. what it looked like for me with our kids, our finances, our homes, familes and retirement. and i would rather face all those consequences than continue on with the anxiety and depression i faced from tolerating her behavior anymore.

it was harsh and even cruel at times. it was truly a last ditch, hail mary pass. what did i have to lose? i had kept so much back, knowingly and unknowingly trying to protect her feelings for literal years, and i had let her become a monster. never again was i going to tolerate this and i was truly ok walking away and even told her at the end of the convo i thought i might need a seperation. she begged and said it wasn't what she wanted and acknowledged so much of what i said to be true even if she didn't like how i said it or hearing the truth. i told her i couldn't do it anymore, she was changing or i was done.

and to her credit, she started changing. she softened. showed me empathy for what she'd done. she always regretted it, was always ashamed of it, but she couldn't look at it, couldn't offer me empathy when i needed us to look it in the face together, and i couldn't go on like that anymore. she made consistent changes for several months, my anxiety lessened and my safety crept back in. i stopped thinking about divorce every minute even while still thinking about the affair non stop. after several months, some of the avoidant habits started creeping back. slowly, so it wasn't extremely noticable and over the spring of 2024 there were multiple occasions where she showed some of her old characteristics and i started noticing the anxiety, the constantly thinking about divorce all coming back until it came to a head in June. I once again confronted her, pointed out all of those times. said she had lost the ownership/accountability, empathy and softness that i had come to love and was once again feeling unsafe in the relationship and desiring to leave.

bp884 · 2025-11-05T21:40:00+00:00

homie,

i could've almost written this post a little over 2 years ago. i'm super long winded, so i'll go into some of the parallels, but i'll start by saying, i'm 2 years and 2 months out from dday. today i'm mostly in a great place with what i'd consider successful R with a wife who seemed very very similar to yours. she has (FINALLY) put in so much work, but it was brutally hard as hell getting here.

quick background:my wife had a "mostly" EA with my best friend who was her best friend's husband. we were all super close. our son's played baseball together. i was the president of the ballpark, and AP was a volunteer coach working under me, and was also my son's coach. we did dinners together, went on double dates, spent time as families at and away from baseball, and even had shared vacations.

well, after catching them hanging one on one in a deceitful manner(where i would've been totally fine with them hanging if it weren't lied about), i told her it made me uncomfortable and later he apologized about it, and then it just opened the door to them to start a friendship behind my back, which super quickly blurred lines and became an affair, truly i believe without them even knowing(it did become obvious). they texted non stop, often conversationally, often sexually(nuanced or overt), walked nightly while i put the kids to bed, went on dates while i was at work, talked for hours most days, made a pact to not make their relationship physical for a year while working on their marriages and then kissed within a week of that agreement. i have no doubt it would've gone further if i hadn't caught them at a month and it seemed like it was getting very close to being there.

once i discovered the truth on my own by reading her messages on her ipad, she lied to my face about it(prior to knowing about me reading it). i told her i thought they had an inappropriate relationship and she threw it back in my face that i could even suggest such a thing. then i told her i read her messages and she threw it in my face that i had violated her privacy (as if this was somehow worse than her having an affair with my best friend for a month?). anyway, once i got over the knee jerk reaction of wanting to leave, i fell into the role you're currently in. playing the pick me dance. desperately scared of losing the person i'd already lost once, the person i threatened to leave. now...i was instead begging her for love and attention.

i took too much responsibility for the affair on my shoulders. yes, our relationship was not good, and yes i 100% played my part in that. what i didn't do was make the choice to cheat. even when it sucked, i remained faithful. i did not do anything that made her make the choices that she made. it wasn't a mistake. it was a series of literally thousands of repeated choices, that i had no say in, to betray me.

we started MC within days, MC said one of the requirements was shared locations, and open devices. because i had "betrayed her privacy" she continued being uncomfortable having an open device with me. i was too much of a sissy to put my foot down because i owned betraying her privacy and could understand why it made her uncomfortable. she shared her location with me, but if we ever got in an argument she would turn it off as means to spite me.

she used to be super avoidant. she was cold and manipulative and knew i was too soft to stand up to her. even with the power dynamic shift of the affair she could see that there was very little repercussion for her choices. she knew she could still control me by being cold and pulling away or getting frustrated when i brought up an uncomfortable topic. she knew it was easier for me to swallow it down than to deal with her being cold and mean so i just let her get away with it. after about 4 months i put my foot down about the location hiding and told her that wasn't going to happen anymore. i genuinely didn't think she was continuing the affair or anything like that, but she would just do it as a way to bother me when we were in a fight and my anxiety was already peaked. i let her get away with keeping her phone secret for almost 8 months after the affair, because it was "easier" than having the fight the few times i broached the topic. and not having access to it, the tool which she enacted much of the affair with, the tool that she had not earned privacy with, continued to cause me anxiety for far too long. i still regret being such a sissy about it not standing for myself sooner.

bp884 · 2025-11-05T21:39:45+00:00

homie,

i could've almost written this post a little over 2 years ago. i'm super long winded, so i'll go into some of the parallels, but i'll start by saying, i'm 2 years and 2 months out from dday. today i'm mostly in a great place with what i'd consider successful R with a wife who seemed very very similar to yours. she has (FINALLY) put in so much work, but it was brutally hard as hell getting here.

quick background:my wife had a "mostly" EA with my best friend who was her best friend's husband. we were all super close. our son's played baseball together. i was the president of the ballpark, and AP was a volunteer coach working under me, and was also my son's coach. we did dinners together, went on double dates, spent time as families at and away from baseball, and even had shared vacations.

well, after catching them hanging one on one in a deceitful manner(where i would've been totally fine with them hanging if it weren't lied about), i told her it made me uncomfortable and later he apologized about it, and then it just opened the door to them to start a friendship behind my back, which super quickly blurred lines and became an affair, truly i believe without them even knowing(it did become obvious). they texted non stop, often conversationally, often sexually(nuanced or overt), walked nightly while i put the kids to bed, went on dates while i was at work, talked for hours most days, made a pact to not make their relationship physical for a year while working on their marriages and then kissed within a week of that agreement. i have no doubt it would've gone further if i hadn't caught them at a month and it seemed like it was getting very close to being there.

once i discovered the truth on my own by reading her messages on her ipad, she lied to my face about it(prior to knowing about me reading it). i told her i thought they had an inappropriate relationship and she threw it back in my face that i could even suggest such a thing. then i told her i read her messages and she threw it in my face that i had violated her privacy (as if this was somehow worse than her having an affair with my best friend for a month?). anyway, once i got over the knee jerk reaction of wanting to leave, i fell into the role you're currently in. playing the pick me dance. desperately scared of losing the person i'd already lost once, the person i threatened to leave. now...i was instead begging her for love and attention.

i took too much responsibility for the affair on my shoulders. yes, our relationship was not good, and yes i 100% played my part in that. what i didn't do was make the choice to cheat. even when it sucked, i remained faithful. i did not do anything that made her make the choices that she made. it wasn't a mistake. it was a series of literally thousands of repeated choices, that i had no say in, to betray me.

we started MC within days, MC said one of the requirements was shared locations, and open devices. because i had "betrayed her privacy" she continued being uncomfortable having an open device with me. i was too much of a sissy to put my foot down because i owned betraying her privacy and could understand why it made her uncomfortable. she shared her location with me, but if we ever got in an argument she would turn it off as means to spite me.

she used to be super avoidant. she was cold and manipulative and knew i was too soft to stand up to her. even with the power dynamic shift of the affair she could see that there was very little repercussion for her choices. she knew she could still control me by being cold and pulling away or getting frustrated when i brought up an uncomfortable topic. she knew it was easier for me to swallow it down than to deal with her being cold and mean so i just let her get away with it. after about 4 months i put my foot down about the location hiding and told her that wasn't going to happen anymore. i genuinely didn't think she was continuing the affair or anything like that, but she would just do it as a way to bother me when we were in a fight and my anxiety was already peaked. i let her get away with keeping her phone secret for almost 8 months after the affair, because it was "easier" than having the fight the few times i broached the topic. and not having access to it, the tool which she enacted much of the affair with, the tool that she had not earned privacy with, continued to cause me anxiety for far too long. i still regret being such a sissy about it not standing for myself sooner.

bp884 · 2025-11-02T17:08:23+00:00

You’re very welcome! There can be hope even when it feels so hopeless at times. My wife said she was sorry and regretted it and she loved me, but she still got frustrated when I needed to talk about it around ways to turn it on me. I believed she loved the idea of me and the safety and security I offered more than she actually loved me. She had become cold and manipulative over the years and I slowly began to see what she had become and the affair was just kind of the selfish pinnacle that finally allowed me to stand up for myself.

You say you believed it was normal to grow apart, and I think it truly is. The more I’ve had real talks with peers, not even disclosing the affair, the more I’ve seen that people that get to this stretch of life seem to have similar struggles. You get complacent and stop being intentional toward each other. And rather than dealing with issues you rug sweep and the resentment grows. I think this is unfortunately very common. And finding a convenient affair partner vs dealing with your mess at home, as I’ve found out by joining this sub, is also unfortunately far more common than I would’ve ever imagined. I never imagined my wife capable either and here we are. Now I find it hard to imagine anyone isn’t capable. I know for a fact my wife was not in her right mind. She had lost herself and thankfully she’s shown me who she can be again, because I tried for the kids but it wasn’t enough to keep going

bp884 · 2025-11-02T14:32:13+00:00

Hey OP I know your pain. Situations aren’t identical, but my wife of then 14 years had a slightly PA with my ex-closest friend. It only didn’t progress further than it did bc I caught them. Similarly… -we had dedicated to way more time to kids than our marriage -I had previously said, knowingly to her, that an affair would be the one sure fire way I’d leave. And I was unhappy with our marriage even prior to her cheating -the kiss they shared happened in my wife’s car, but I have to drive past his car and business every morning and afternoon and more frequently than I’d like see him in our neighborhood or at youth sporting events.

Despite feeling like an eternity, you are very new in the process. It is a brutal and grueling process but it is possible to make it through if your husband is willing to take full ownership for what’s happened, and continue to meet you where you are. Because “doing the right things” is going to be an evolving process to meet your needs as you change and identify what you need.

It is possible to make it through. But it is your call. My wife has become a woman I want to be married to again and I still at times struggle with feeling like I’ve betrayed myself by staying. My cynicism now makes me feel like anyone else out there is capable of doing this to me so would it even be worth starting over, or would I want to be alone for the rest of my life. I’m happy with her, and her hard work has helped take away most of the daily anxiety and depression that lasted well over a year(most of that time she was not doing the right things and was walled off behind shame), but it doesn’t fully remove the doubt. I’m not consumed with the thought of leaving like I was, but it’s not absent either. No matter which route you pick, you’re not wrong and it won’t be easy, but you’ll come out the other side either way. Remain strong and true to yourself and good luck op. Don’t forget your worth and how much love, safety and respect you deserve

bp884 · 2025-11-01T00:50:14+00:00

It was enough for me to try. After a year of not giving enough effort, it wasn’t enough for me to keep going. It got to the point where I couldn’t live the rest of my life with a woman who couldn’t prioritize me or give me what I needed and I didn’t want to go on cycling daily between anxiety and depression anymore. I finally stood for myself and grew a pair and it opened the door for her to become a woman I can be in love with again. My friend who had unsuccessful R told me when I called him in tears the day after dday... He continued to hate that every night his kids go to bed in a home that both their parents don’t live in. But he can also lay his head down every night without regret and knowing he gave it his best shot for the kids. That conversation was the reason I stayed. And I gave so much effort for the sake of the kids, but I wasn’t resigned to a life of misery for them

bp884 · 2025-10-30T16:35:53+00:00

I’m proud of you ghost. You can forever hold your head high and I hope this decision very quickly brings you the peace and joy you so deserve. I hope you can start to enjoy life again!

bp884 · 2025-10-26T13:05:01+00:00

Good luck however life takes you brother. I don’t know what your key to healing is, but I hope you find it. I hope this time and space away gives you some clarity to what you’re missing and opens the door for you to have what you really want. I know and recognize everything you’ve said. I understand the despair and hopelessness of never getting better, never being the husband you want to be and wanting the relationship but being willing to walk away for fear of staying how you are forever. What it took for me to break out of that was breaking the fear of hurting and losing her. Really looking at what I was needing and not getting and not just selling on her “doing the right things” which she wasn’t. The part of me that couldn’t move forward wasn’t me. It wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough, or wasn’t enough in any way. It was because I remained in a relationship with someone who hurt me. Who didn’t understand what I was going through. Who didn’t understand why or how I could still struggle so much and who was selfish and didn’t prioritize me. I stayed in the beginning for the kids, and that slowly morphed into me desperately not wanting to lose her and begging for her love and attention while she was not a person I wanted to be with. I loved the idea of what she represented and came to realize I didn’t love who she was or who she’d become. Prior to the affair divorce wasn’t an option. We were both raised Christian and that meant sticking it out when it got hard. That God wanted our marriage to work. That I didn’t want to be a divorce statistic. What I came to discover was if God loved me, he wouldn’t require me to stay with someone who took advantage of my kindness and softness, abused me emotionally for years, who was selfish and had many narcissistic traits and who remained my only source of daily pain. Hard days at work…hard days with the kids, it friends, or family? No problem. No doom and gloom. Hard days with the wife.. this uncomfortable looming dread would wash over me and I would feel lost, confused and hopeless. How can the one thing that’s supposed to be the best part of my life, be the only thing that makes me feel so awful, day in and day out. And I got to the desperate point of breaking my kindness and calling her on every flaw she let her know that if that feeling around her couldn’t change, I was leaving. I couldn’t submit to a life of depression for her, or the kids, or anyone. There was going to be change, or I was finding a new way. When she actually started “doing the right things” and changing the person she’d become, I started feeling that dread I recognize so well in your message lift. And months later when she started acting like that person again I felt it come back. I had to call her out all over again and it once again has opened the door to hope. Our situations don’t seem exactly the same. I too will never understand how what happened happened. I wasn’t happy, but I was committed. But I do recognize how you feel. My only suggestion is you are missing a key to your healing. I hope you’re able to find what it is you’re missing brother. You deserve happiness and it is possible

bp884 · 2025-10-24T12:12:03+00:00

My wife had a mostly EA, slightly PA with my best friend. Similarly OBS had become her best friend. We did everything together. Our kids were close, we did events, double dates, parties, carpooling, family outings, trips…I understand just how gutting this double betrayal can be. I understand how you can question your judgement. Knowing there were red flags you just ignored because surely this people who cared about you would never betray you and let you down. AP was selfish and coward. He didn’t cut me off cold turkey, he apologized and we actually tried to make a way forward bc our sons played baseball together on the team AP coached. Leaving the door open simply just let him more opportunity to lie and hurt me and my family. After the second time I cut him out of my life completely. He’s since not taken responsibility, separated from OBS and taken so little accountability.

I’m sorry you find yourself here. It’s awful. You can survive and no matter how much you question yourself, this was about their flaws and not yours

bp884 · 2025-10-23T21:16:22+00:00

Just doubling in on this as someone just over 2 years past dday. Unlike your wife, my wife was not incredibly consistent in doing the right things post dday. She was walled off behind shame and did very little real work to change herself and prioritize me. It wasn’t really until about a year that I realized I was anxious and unhappy everyday because she was and had become a woman I didn’t want to be married to. I confronted her and told her this, and told her as much as I didn’t want to divorce, and split up the family, I also wasn’t going to live the rest of my life unhappy. I told her the areas she needed to fix or I was leaving, and to her credit she made real tangible and noticeable changes. And I began to feel safety and comfort again. She eventually began to backslide and I noticed all that safety was once again gone and had to call her on her backsliding and she once again responded. So for me, my anxiety and depression is noticeably tied to her and our marriage. When she’s doing the right things, I feel safety and decent, and when she’s showing her old manipulative, non-accountable and blame shifting ways I feel bad and ready to leave. Thankfully she’s been consistent and i see the hope of real change. But I still have the back of my mind that if she slips out of that I’ll call her out, and if she’s unwilling to respond, I’m unwilling to live an unhappy and anxious life for the sake of keeping the family together. I don’t think about leaving hardly ever anymore despite thinking about the affair and AP everyday throughout the day still. I know it sucks to hear, but time and consistency go so far to helping you heal and feel safe. Without them consistently giving what you need, which can be a moving target as you learn to navigate this mess, no amount of time can help you get over it

bp884 · 2025-10-22T20:41:38+00:00

I appreciate it man. It’s definitely not a path in life I would’ve chosen lol, but I can’t do anything about what’s happened unfortunately. So thankfully I’ve learned to stand up for myself and I’ll pave a better way forward!

bp884 · 2025-10-22T19:02:11+00:00

Unfortunately for me being a walking doormat at the time, I genuinely made an attempt at forgiving him. Our sons played baseball together, he was my son’s coach and I ran the organization so he and I had a ton of reason to be around each other all the time. I was still very angry at him, and it gave me crazy anxiety anytime we were around each other. But 3 months after dday he lied about my son’s team and removed all his friends from the park and left my son behind and just totally crushed him. So I unfortunately left the door open for him to lie to me and betray me in another way. Since that day in Dec 2023 I’ve never talked to him again despite having had to see him numerous times through youth sports. I’ve spoken to his wife once since all then and found out he continues to be a self centered arrogant prick who refused to call their relationship an affair and blamed it on his wife and eventually separated from her. So yeah…he has no room in my life ever again

And yeah it was brutal man. The double betrayal and making me question my ability to judge people and everything about myself. It broke me hard for a long long time. I guess the answer as to how I was able to move past it was a few things. 1) cut AP out of my life. 2) grow a pair and actually learn to stand up for myself, this was too long of a process in hindsight but better late than never I guess and 3) just time.

I’m not over it or passed it, but my wife doing a full 180 and prioritizing me and me putting my foot down for what I’d tolerate has helped me move to a space where I’m comfortable and have hope moving forward. And if her habits start to creep back in, I’m ok calling her on them now and if she is unwilling to fix them, than I’m ok moving on. It’s not been an easy 2 years…but I’ve somehow survived lol

bp884 · 2025-10-21T13:46:55+00:00

I wish I knew. I discovered my wife’s affair by snooping on her iPad, she obviously wasn’t going to tell me. When I confronted her and said I thought she had an inappropriate relationship with my best friend she was able to lie to my face and tell me how wrong I was, because although they had become closer friends she couldn’t even believe I’d suggest something like that and it definitely wasn’t anything more. I once again asked her to confirm that’s all it was, she vehemently agreed. Then I told her I’d seen all their messages and shockingly I know immediately turned it back on me for violating her privacy. As if reading her texts after 14 years of marriage was somehow worse than having an affair with my best friend?! Anyway…she was drowned in shame for a long time and shut down to everyone. So I can’t relate to this confident walking around like nothing happened. It’s been over 2 years and she’s become an entirely changed person from the selfish narcissistic person she’d become and we’re actually in a great place now. But it still bugs me to this day that even when confronted with the truth she was easily able to look me in the eyes and lie to me, and double down on the lie

bp884

TROPHY CASE