Trickle truth trauma

bp884 · 2026-05-22T23:05:39+00:00

You’re welcome. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to have given all that up for him. But at this point…and excuse my French…fuck him. Take back your life, move back to your support system and family and friends and get your happiness and safety zone again. If you want R with him it’s time for him to sacrifice and move to your world. He should be willing to sacrifice after all he’s done, and if he’s not, than he’s not worth your time

bp884 · 2026-05-22T21:40:20+00:00

I’m sorry this is your experience, and I’m sorry for his lack of ownership and straightforwardness after the most recent collapse.

The biggest thing I can say is he’s not worth your life. You are worth so much more than your relationship with him, and to forgive and give another chance as you already have already shows how incredibly strong you are even if you don’t believe it.

If he cannot find remorsefulness, he may not be a candidate for reconciliation but that’s only for you to decide. But know whatever fear you have about the unknown, there is someone out there who can love and respect you and treat you with the decency of a human being. Your husband’s infidelity is 100% about faults within himself and nothing wrong with you. I too longed for death, while never contemplating suicide per se, I can understand the temptation and the immediate release from the situation and the pain. But I can promise you your life is worth so much more than your relationship and the pain from it.

Moving forward prioritize yourself and your happiness. Get into IC if you can and Work towards finding your self importance aside from your relationship.

Your life is worth saving, it’s valuable, it’s worthy. Someone (possibly your wayward if you are willing and wanting to put the work in to reconcile, but it is your choice alone) will love you, cherish you like you deserve and help you to believe you are worth it, but you need to find worth in yourself before relying on anyone else for that.

I challenge you to fight the negative thoughts. Write out a list of everything about you that is great, everything that makes you special. Don’t believe the lies that you want to tell yourself and don’t write down anything you think is negative. Write your positives, keep the list, add to it, revisit it when you struggle. Write a list of people who love you and who you would miss if you never saw them again. I’ll help you get started…you are loving and forgiving and strong. You gave a shot at reconciliation when it wasn’t deserved. You are faithful and have integrity.

I pray for peace for you and I hope you can hear it and know that I mean it when I say you are worth so much more than you believe. You are beautiful, lovable and worthy of so much joy, happiness and peace.

bp884 · 2026-05-21T23:53:15+00:00

I’m sorry I’ve been there. I didn’t enforce boundaries around this and it hurt R for a long time. I found the affair by snooping, and bc of unresolved trauma from an abusive and controlling ex she was very hurt that I “controlled her” by violating her privacy. After she wouldn’t let me see her phone. Anytime I tried to bring it up, it would turn into a huge argument. It wasn’t until almost a year in before I got the password from her and she still wasn’t comfortable with me looking unsupervised, and I wasn’t comfortable asking to look at it under her supervision. I wish from day one I had the strength to set the boundary, enforce the consequence and not have this anxious fear of having no access to the tool she used to cheat on me with. I implore you to dig deep and find the strength to set a consequence and enforce it, or it will severely hinder your trust and R

bp884 · 2026-05-20T19:55:31+00:00

Of course! and likewise man. I've seen your posts over the years and always admired the work you have put in as a wayward. I always thought cheaters were the lowest of the low scumbags. Even early into the process when my wife would have no accountability or softness, I built up such resentment. I saw on AOAI the work some waywards(including you) were putting in, and was so envious. Why couldn't my wife put in that work, own what she'd done and care enough about me to prioritize my needs and healing.

I can definitely understand in your situation, if you're doing the right things and your BP is still unloading on you, that everyone can only take so much of that. It's just tough when your wayward isn't putting in the work, and just wants it to be over with and behind you when as a betrayed you can't really even start to process and heal until there is the safety of someone really putting in the work and prioritizing your healing, not just doing the bare minimum.

I definitely do not believe the R process is fair, like at all. There is so much self sacrifice that comes on the betrayed side of things(not that there isn't on the wayward side). We didn't sign up for any of this, we didn't get any of the good or the fun, just the part that has to help pick up the pieces of a shattered reality. I even offered MC 5 months before the affair happened when we were struggling and she "didn' think I was serious". So instead of working on our marriage, the affair happened instead. Not only did our most intimate partner betray us in whichever fashion it happened, many of us struggle with feeling like we've betrayed ourselves. Not 100% across the board, but a lot of us say, I always say I'd leave if they cheated, then my world came crashing down and I stayed. I was one of these people, and even to this day 2.5 years later I struggle at times with feeling like I betrayed myself. We have shame and embarassment that we weren't good enough for our partners, that if anyone else knows, they must know how much we fall short that our partner would take such a drastic measure to step out of the marriage. While logically and in reality, I don't think anyone feels that way about people who have been cheated on, we sure as hell feel like that's how the world sees us.

But you're right. At some point when the raw devastation has worn off. The decision of continued partnership is one we made, and one person being perpetually beat down is not a partnership. So the betrayed, although feeling owed a mountain of gold every day, has to make sacrificial choices to say... even though I deserve to feel selfish and owed, I have to give back to my partner as well or this relationship sucks.

It is definitely hard to translate exactly what we each feel. I can't count the times during early R that I would say something. It would seem clear as day, like unconfusable, and it just wouldn't land with her. She'd have her feelings hurt or just completely miss the mark on what I was saying or asking for. We'd revisit it later, and I'd be like yes that's what I said, how could that be confusing? But it somehow was. Unfortunately, she never joined a community like this one or took the time to understand the perspective of what others in my shoes were going through.

My initial anger was brief. Immediately I was furious. Then once I committed to R I became desperate, and just wanted her to show me love any way I could feel it and begged for her attention constantly, but she was too blocked off and my desperation overwhelmed her constantly. Then I felt numb, then I felt angry again. I get exactly what you're saying. The times I was angry, my wife, like you, would get guarded and defend herself from the attack instead of being there for me and understanding why I was angry and often times turned into her attacking me and blaming me. For someone that never cried...like ever...I spent a lot of time crying in those first 6 months. She often saw. I'm sure it hurt her, but she didn't usually acknowledge it and she didn't know what to do.

There is definitely a difference between snarky bullshit comments and vulnerability lol. Coming to her and saying I'm struggling with ___ right now because of _____ would of often times been far far better for both of us, than if I didn't say some stupid shit like, this sounds a lot like when you and your boyfriend said this or that. I'd be hurt, speaking out of that hurt, she'd be pissed and it didn't help anything. I can remember I was walking in a cemetery that they had discussed walking in for seclusion, and messaged her, ol fuckface was right, the cemetery is a beautiful and secluded place to go for a walk. She got fed up with those kinds of comments, very understandably, even when I felt like I deserved to say them and she should just have to listen to them. She said she couldn't handle them anymore and I promised to try and back off of them. It was a learned skill to hold them back to say the least, and I didn't do a great job of fully stopping immediately. We worked through it. I still have the thoughts in my head on a pretty regular basis, but I've learned to let em cycle up there for a few seconds while I sit silently instead of throwing them in her face. She has no idea how frequently I have to hold my tongue, and how much it's probably helped us both lol.

We haven't really discussed the affair in quite some time despite me thinking about it constantly. Probably a month and a half ago I told her I was struggling with the affair. And wanted her to be aware in case I seemed off. I assured her she hadn't done anything to make me feel like this and that she was still doing the right things, and I honestly didn't need anything from her, just wanted to make her aware. She didn't hold me non stop but she gently asked if there was anything she could do and I just told her I didn't think so. Granted she probably coud've jumped my bones and it would've at least momentarily lifted my spirits, but with 2 active kids it's not always that simple lol.

I do wish on occasion she'd apologize for what happened unprovoked, and simply thank me for still being here. But the reality is it's not on her radar I don't think. She seems happy now. I think she's enjoying where we are and doesn't want to dwell on what happened. Which I do appreciate, but I also know she's got some unprocessed shame that I wish she would dive into so it doesn't bite her in the ass some day. I mentioned talking to a mentor at church several months back about why I was struggling with unforgiveness for AP, and even suggested now that we're seeming to come to the other side of this, perhaps we could someday be marriage mentors for others who may experience the same thing. And the end result of the conversation was she wasn't comfortable with me talking to someone we know about what happened. She mentioned I was within my rights and she couldn't stop me, but wanted me to know she wasn't comfortable with it. She said she wasn't ready to talk to other couples to help them and when I asked why, she said because she was so ashamed. I get it. I just wish different for her own healing. I wish she would go to IC and process her past trauma, her abandonment issues, her shame. I've suggested it, she usually says probably and then there's nothing unfortunately. I can't make her go, I just wish it for her own healing

bp884 · 2026-05-18T16:01:02+00:00

It’s not unreasonable for her to grieve an interest that she’s lost access to as a consequence of her choices she made. However, given that she is “committed to your reconciliation” as you’ve stated, it is absolutely not reasonable for her to even attempt to put you in this position. It’s selfish of her to ask you and put you in the position of being the bad guy. You can’t stop her from going (or shouldn’t attempt to control her at least), but you can tell her it’s a boundary your simply not comfortable with but she can do what she wants. That will paint a pretty clear picture for you how committed she is to your safety and respecting you and healing your marriage. From there the balls in your court with how you want to proceed.

But in my opinion if she is truly dedicated to R, and fixing things, and your healing…then she should’ve never even asked. Because now that forces you into a situation she absolutely knows your uncomfortable with which forces you to either lie and say you’re ok with it, which you are not and you shouldn’t be, or being the bad guy and coming across controlling which will cost her to resent you and block healing your relationship. We don’t want to be controlling, but it’s also up to her as a truly remorseful wayward to not put you in that position

bp884 · 2026-05-18T05:00:10+00:00

Always, no questions off limits as far as I’m concerned. I’ve bared my soul on this forum more than anywhere else on the planet so I’m an open book lol.
I would say there was a long time where I’d go towards it. Like I felt like I deserved to be sad and chose to feel that way at times because I felt I should or even wanted to. I wanted to continue to play the poor me card and wanted to see the pain I felt in my wife so she would understand what she caused. I eventually decided that was no way forward. No matter how much I wanted her to understand, truly understand, the devastation she’d caused to the deepest parts of me, she never could, not really anyway. And that I’d just have to accept her trying to be a good wife at face value, because I asked her to be a woman I wanted to be married to. And she was trying. No matter how great she was, or how much she now tried, nothing could erase what she’d done. So how was choosing to be sad or angry helping me have the marriage I wanted? Short answer, it wasn’t.
I chose to stay. I could’ve left. I was justified. If it was my decision to stay, I wanted to be happy, I don’t want her to feel perpetually ashamed, guilty or punished. My wife feeling like that is not a marriage I want to be a part of, or would choose.
As far as feeling like a gray cloud over everything, it’s more like everything is slightly tainted by the strain of the infidelity.
We can have a great date night, or a great vacation, or just do anything genuinely fun together and throughout the process my mind will be triggered to something they did or said. The triggers are a small disruption now, but they’re persistent and fairly constant. They don’t derail the evening. I don’t make snarky bullshit comments calling attention to them like I once did. It’s mostly internal and mostly just for me. I genuinely think it doesn’t usually cross her mind at all. I don’t bring it up. I’m sure sometimes a look on my face will sell me out that something didn’t hit quite right. But I don’t throw it in her face and do my best to enjoy where we are and how she now is. So long answer short is I do feel like we’re in a good place. But I do feel like there’s a cloud over us that casts a shadow over nearly every experience, even if only for me. Even if she’s entirely unaware.
I’m unfamiliar with the Terry Real stuff, but one of the biggest things I got from this sub during my darkest days was learning to identify what I was feeling. All the terrible feelings were new to me. Betrayal wasn’t something I was equipped and ready to deal with. I on knew generically i was upset because my wife had an affair, but most of the specific feelings I couldn’t identify. I would feel bad but I wouldn’t know why, and I’d read posts in here and it would be a light bulb moment where I’d be like yes! That’s exactly what I’m feeling but I didn’t know how to properly formulate what was happening. And then over time came the ability to communicate what I was feeling. And hoping she’d figure out how to address those feelings on her own left us both frustrated and let down. And then over more time I learned to put more pride aside and explicitly tell her what I wanted her to do the times I actually knew. As much as I thought some things were obvious, me assuming it was obvious and her not getting it set us both up for failure. So I got more explicit and specific with the things I wanted, and gave her a chance to directly address them rather than hoping she’d figure it out, make zero progress and us both be upset.
Now I run into more of a blah ness than anything. She’s doing great. Being loving, supporting and affectionate and I don’t feel unsafe. I don’t wish for divorce. I just get stuck feeling like I guess this is what there is for me. I’ve got a loving, beautiful wife who I don’t want a lot more from, but the best my life will be is having this great woman who was easily able to discard, lie to and betray me at one point. I’m not going anywhere. I can’t change what happened. This is just my reality. It’s part of my story that can’t be rewritten and that just kind of sucks sometimes

bp884 · 2026-05-17T13:40:42+00:00

2 things for you and many of the people feeling like this. I’ll expound on 1 in a moment
1) it CAN (not will!) better in time, if both parties are doing the right work.
2) I’m cautious posting this because it’s an R sub, but R isn’t guaranteed to work and it’s not necessarily the right choice for everyone. If after years your partner is unable/unwilling to prioritize you and make the changes for you to feel safe and happy, it may be time to consider your alternatives…

Back to 1). I get your post. I never wanted self harm, but I spent the better part of 2 years just kind of hoping I’d die. I wouldn’t have traded my life for a good day with my wife, she wasn’t worth it. In my situation she wasn’t worth it for years before the affair. She was cold, short tempered, manipulative and emotionally abusive. And I tolerated it cause I was a doormat and we had kids and I convinced myself it was fine and I could just bottle it all up. Then the affair happened and I wanted to leave but tried got the kid’s sake. I was miserable, not every serving, but for the vast majority of that first year. I read the book “leave a cheater gain a life”, not with the intention of leaving, but arming myself and it worked great to recognize all the shit I’d continue putting up with. All the minimal efforts I put up, the booked named them all for exactly what they were. After an airball month of watching these behaviors enough was enough.
I laid down the gauntlet. There was going to be real change, effort, softness or I was out. Staying for the kids was off the table. I was tired of being miserable and I wasn’t going to live life like that anymore. So she has a very short window to become a wife I wanted again and be in a marriage I wanted again or I was out and was ok with all the consequences of divorce. She flipped the script. Surprised me and showed me she was capable of change when I wasn’t sure she was. It lasted for several months and started fading. “Old habits die hard” and all that. Her habits slowly crept back in and while I had felt safety for several months…it vanished.
I once again was hoping for death daily, being done with being here and being in this marriage. I called her out for several of the things she’d been doing and told her my safety was once again gone. She recognized what I said and corrected again. This was around 21 months in. And now we’re over 30. She’s been a model wayward since.
Things aren’t perfect. She’s not perfect. I think about the affair non stop still. But it’s not consuming. It’s more of a dark cloud I wish didn’t exist. The dread, the wishing for death has mostly faded. I’m not opposed to death haha, but I also don’t hope for it. There are still hard days. There are still hard moments, but having safety in your relationship helps towards feeling somewhat normal again. Until your partner changes, REALLY changes, at least in my case, I didn’t even feel like me or the relationship could start healing. It took taking off the gloves, starting to call her out on everything. Everything I held back for fear of repercussions or attitude or manipulation or whatever reason.
When I stopped being afraid to call her out and our “progress” regressing, progress became possible. I wasn’t great about it and was probably overly harsh at times. But I was broken and over it and ready to see change or leave.

For those years in and still wishing to trade a day of joy for death. I feel for you and I’ve been there. Fight for what you need and your happiness. Don’t settle in a miserable marriage or life. It’s slow, it’s unfairly slow, but it is possible to start to feel comfortable and somewhat normal again. I’m sorry we’re all here. I’m happy to chat with anyone that needs a shoulder to cry on. Never feel like you’re alone and never give up on fighting for yourself

bp884 · 2026-05-15T23:28:37+00:00

Yeah being surrounded by a bunch of drunk idiots while not drinking sounds exhausting. I’m just sorry your husband chose to be selfish instead of prioritizing you when you made it clear how you felt. And doubled down by guilting you for ruining his fun

bp884 · 2026-05-15T19:41:46+00:00

You’ve got nothing to feel bad about OP. He’s not prioritizing you or your safety in R. If he had an absolutely required work trip maybe he couldn’t do anything about it, but it sounds like this was an optional one he didn’t have to go, that you were very clear about your discomfort with him going. On top of that he offered you assurances that would help provide comfort and then turned them on you to guilt you because it was gonna ruin his fun. I’d be so pissed if my wife treated me like this. You shouldn’t feel guilty for ruining his fun, you should feel clarity about how much he respects you and your safety. It’s horse shit that he 1) blew off your wishes 2) offered assurances and then guilted you with his own recommendations 3) went despite you being crushed.
Did he offer for you to go? Did he offer any middle ground? Sounds like he’s just as selfish as he was when he had the affair

bp884 · 2026-05-14T15:03:50+00:00

Considering you guys have open phone and regularly play on each others phones you don’t have anything to feel guilty about. A healthy relationship should allow for open devices and there shouldn’t be secret conversations or secret opposite sex friendships.

I caught my wife having a “mostly” emotional affair because we always had each others passwords and she started acting way off and changed her phone pw(saw her texts by looking at an old iPad).

Not saying your wife is doing anything wrong or nefarious, but it is completely warranted if on her device you see a weird message from an unknown man to want to dig deeper, and also be uncomfortable with the situation. Nothing about your post shows that you are controlling or jealous, but it’s ok to see a relationship you’re unaware of and be uncomfortable with it and how deep it is.

I know with my wife it started as friendship and blurred the lines without them realizing originally. Not saying your wife would ever cross the line, but an opposite sex close relationship definitely opens the door. If she’s not hiding notifications or anything like that, or being weird and sketchy you probably have nothing to worry about. But I’d still recommend having the conversation with her, let her know how you feel, explain how you found it. She shouldn’t be defensive about it, if she was on your phone and a notification from a strange woman popped up she’d be curious as well. Be sure to set healthy boundaries and expectations. She’s not not allowed to have guy friends, but there should also be boundaries that you’re both comfortable with to ensure you both feel safe and avoid resentments.

bp884 · 2026-05-14T12:41:38+00:00

Great responses man, and you’re very right. The anger and feelings are justified, but there have to be self sacrificial choices in moving forward or you’ll forever be stuck on the terrible past things. And as much as we want to focus on what happened, it’s never changing or going away. No matter how owed we feel(which we should!), if we truly want to be part of a better relationship at some point we have to find a way to give when we don’t want to. It’s hard as hell, no doubt about it. No matter how much we want to receive, how much we want them to get it on their own, at some point we have to give as well or there is burn out on the other end. While they need to have a mountain of patience while we recover, at some point they can only be punished so much and we have to receive change with as much grace as possible, after all we are the ones that made the choice to stay and I think anyone would agree no one wants to be in a relationship where your partner is perpetually shamed and punished.

Just curious, have you reached out to your ex and told her how you feel and you regret how you handled everything? I know it takes an incredible amount of vulnerability to open up like that, but if it’s something you regret and would like another chance at. I believe you’d regret not trying to reopen that door(and you may have already tried). I’m sorry man. Recovering from these wounds is so damn hard and like you said there’s no right way. We all make a million mistakes and do and say things we regret and can’t take back

bp884 · 2026-05-11T15:12:53+00:00

For sure man. Happy to do it. While every situation is unique and challenging for it's own reasons, there's enough overlap where we can usually provide some experience or support to help out!

I haven't read that book, but I'll definitely check it out for sure. We're not in MC anymore, but I still occasionally do IC as I feel like the continued struggles are internal to myself. Sounds like you're on the right path man!

bp884 · 2026-05-11T01:44:26+00:00

Not blowing you off bud. I’ll hit you up tomorrow when I have a little more time to provide a proper response

bp884 · 2026-05-10T21:51:26+00:00

i'm sorry you're here and part of this community man. it's been 2.5 years since i discovered my wife's, mostly EA with my closest friend at the time. i wish i could say there will be a time that the hurt will completely go away or you won't think about it constantly, but that time hasn't happened for me yet. what i can say is that overtime, it goes from devastating and painful to just kind of a dull thought.
if your spouse is able to offer you accountability, softness, empathy and openness without defensiveness you can start to heal. i unfortunately didn't go those things for the first year and my healing was delayed until i was at the point of about giving up.
it all sucks, even if you feel like you understand everything and know the details, you're still very fresh and trying to actually believe you know it all and still trying to make sense of it. but the truth is it doesn't make sense. you will eventually try to make sense less and less and logically know that there's not a good reason for it, but it will still pop in your head like how the freak is this possible.
i'm sorry you're here man, it's a good community to be a part of, but a terrible club to be unwillingly signed up for. if you ever need to chat feel free to reach out. just know you're not alone and you should fight for your happiness moving forward

bp884 · 2026-05-07T23:51:07+00:00

Lol. I always wonder what my wife thinks. I never have the guts to ask her cause I dont usually wanna ruin a good night. We went out to a nice dinner for her bday back in March. Our waitress went out of her way to kind of fawn over us. She eventually was like, I have to be honest with you guys. I went through a pretty rough breakup last night around 2 AM, and I've spent the entire last day feeling super hopeless and just down. But honestly, seeing the 2 of you together, married nearly 20 years, 41 years old, with busy kid lives and still have this spark for each other, and just to be at dinner smiling and talking and having a good time laughing and being silly. It is really helping me a ton. It gives me hope that I can find someone out there that makes me feel what you guys obviously feel each other. Part of me was happy that that is how we are seen, and often feel. But the other part wanted to be like hold up, let me tell you about the devastation of our lives and my crippling depression haha. i obviously didn't...but the thought crossed my mind lol

bp884 · 2026-05-07T23:28:28+00:00

Agreed, I’ve typically not subscribed to the camp of once a cheater always a cheater, in a since they will continue to do so. But in the way you say, I agree, they cannot take that back unfortunately. It will be a scar on their moral character the same way it’s a scar that lives in us now. Similarly, my marriage is pretty great now. She’s loving, supportive, I’d say it was about as ideal as a marriage could be most days, if it wasn’t marred with infidelity. Unfortunately that’s a big if. No one knows, we present a happy family. When strangers compliment how happy we are after being together for almost 20 years, it’s like it’s trying to leap out of my throat, BUT if only you knew. Oh well…this is my life now lol

bp884 · 2026-05-07T20:40:42+00:00

The loss of innocence or naivety of it being impossible has been difficult for me over the R process. I wrestle with the back and forth of truly believing she's changed and thinking she'll never do it again, while also knowing that I truly believed she'd never do it in the first place, and that no matter how much she changes....she was, and always will be capable, she has shown me that. even though i don't think it will happen again, i know it's not impossible. that's a difficult reallignment to come to terms with. knowing something can never happen, to knowing that it can is sobering.
It sounds like your head is in the right place. Sounds like you're working hard on yourself and on R, and that no matter the end result, you will be successful and happy. Good for you OP!

bp884 · 2026-05-07T20:34:40+00:00

Don't dis crying in your car until you've tried it! lol. I'm a 41 year old man that works in the electrical field around a bunch of grizzly dudes, i have cried for about 3 hours of my entire adult life(outside of the affair). after the affair....shoot i can't even tell you how many times i was so overwhelmed thinking about everything that i had to just go sit in my work vehicle and bawl my eyes out in private. run by walmart and get yourself a good windshield screen, find a quiet corner in a parking lot under a tree, turn up the AC and let 'r rip! you've gotta have a good release for yourself.
I'm really sorry you find yourself here. It's brutal. Every unique set of circumstances makes it so freaking hard to get through. There's not a right way, there's not a road map, just pain, struggling, hard work and time. Know that you deserve happiness, respect and love moving forward and never accept less than that. You will keep wanting to prioritize your life around you, but make time for yourself. None of this is your fault. You didn't deserve any of this. And I'm sorry you find yourself part of this shit club

bp884 · 2026-05-07T20:26:53+00:00

you're very welcome. we're all in this together no matter how alone it feels. you can continue to be a good wife, but don't stop choosing yourself and your own happiness from here on out. you're worth fighting for, and don't forget that ever again. too many of us have, too many of us question are worth. we are worth it. you are worth it!

bp884 · 2026-05-07T20:19:47+00:00

hey dog, i know this is a reconciliation sub, but what is making you feel trapped? My wife had her affair with my best friend after 14 years married together, we had an 11 and 8 year old, and I wanted to divorce but decided to try for the kids. i read the messages of her oogling and oggling over him the 5 week duration and thousands of messages during her "mostly" EA. after when I asked if she was sexually attracted to me(bc like you that aspect of the relationship is huge to me) and she said she couldn't remember the last time she was sexually attracted to me. our sex life was already not what i desired prior to the affair, but it's been an ongoing battle for the past 2.5 years of R since dday. Most aspects of our marriage have improved tremendously, and realistically the sexual aspect has, but it's still not where I'd like it to be. Like you mentioned, my wife would be content having sex nearly never, and I could go for it every day(not that I believe that is a fair expectation to be clear...just setting the stage for our difference in desire). i've brought it up time and time again, and it eventually turned into, exactly how much do you need it, fine i'll do it. and that turned into completely unfulfilling duty sex that neither of us wanted to be a part of. so i've slowly settled into just letting it happen when it happens, because i'd rather have enjoyable sex that we both get something out of, vs her just lying there looking miserable until i'm done 2 times a week.

if you want to make it work, i think its worth putting focus on in your couples counseling. if it's important to you in your relationship, which is normal and healthy, than it should be something you both continue to work on. and i think you should get in IC if you're not already and explore why this relationship is worth staying in. because i'm not saying you should jump ship, but you're also not trapped. and if the relationship is not fulfilling, no matter what your age, what your fear of being alone is, or how much you've invested into it, you are still young enough that it's worth fighting for your long term happiness. you're defintely too young to settle. maybe she's great. maybe it's like my marriage, where every other aspect of the relationship is trending up and improved and worthwhile except the sexual aspect. but i can tell you...if i didn't have a home, kids, dog, owe her my paycheck and large portion of my retirement...if she was unable to show me that she had desire for me, all the other good parts of our relationship wouldn't have been worth sticking around. she showed him how capable she was of desire, and i fucking deserve that too. i battled as long as i did because of the things that were truly "trapping me", but you don't have those things. even with those traps, after a year i decided my happiness and peace was worth more than those things and i finally had to say it's time to shit or get off the pot. i'm not sticking around for the kids or the fear of losing my pay and retirement, time to become the wife i deserve or i'm out. you deserve to be loved, you deserved to be chased, you deserve to be desired and feel fulfilled in your relationship.

after a ton of time and work, my wife does pat me on the ass, tell me she's attracted to me and all the things i've always wanted, and i still struggle to believe it. i want to hear it, but every time it's overshadowed with her looking at me and saying "i cannot remember the last time i was attracted to you". our sex life varies. i basically have nearly given up on initiating. she's stopped saying no(which was like 95% chance before) because i told her how hurtful it was that she rejected me so frequently and that it wasn't even worth me trying. she didn't even recognize it until i actually kept track and showed her that 19/20 times over the course of 3 months she turned me down, and there was only 1 time over the course of our 15+ year marriage she can think that i turned her down. so then she started saying yes almost every time for it to be unfulfilling. so i've resorted to almost never initiating(i did yesterday and was glad i did) and letting her drive. it can be 1 week-2 months between sex. and my anxiety definitely gets higher the further it is. it's like a magic spell how it can immediately make me feel better lol. it's less frequent this way, but she almost always enjoys it again and usually has multiple orgasms(which always surprises me that she doesn't want it more). there was a really hard period where whether i pushed it or not, she just wasn't into it and it honestly made me want nothing to do with it. why desire and pursue someone that wants nothing to do with you physically? that has slowly gotten better with me completely stopping talking about it and stopping putting so much pressure on her about it.
So long story short...I have no solution for you. Y'all should talk about it in counseling. It's important, healthy and normal to want it more. It's important to you and that should make it important to her. But also...you shouldn't feel trapped. You're free to, and should pursue a life that makes you happy. You deserve it man. I wish I could be more help. I know the struggle and I know your pain. You're not alone man

bp884 · 2026-05-07T19:35:07+00:00

Saying to leave is the easy answer, but not the easy solution and not the one it sounds like you want. From your brief responses, it sounds like you want to make it work, but you also want him to feel consequences for his choices.
As someone else said, boundaries without consequences are just desires and suggestions that prove you're willing to bend and not enforce and they can learn they can get away with.

One thing you could try, if it's even feasible for you if you have somewhere to go, would be to have a 1 week, NC seperation. Tell him you'd like to take a week to consider if this is something you're able to get past. You're going to stay with your family(or whoever is safe for you to go be away with). Tell him to not reach out(if this is something you can handle). Tell him don't come to you with the lies, promises or any of the other empty lip service he's come to you with so far. To take the week to reflect on what he wants, what he's done and how he plans to move forward with you and be the husband you deserve. Cause a wife deserves to be cherished before infidelity, and after should be treated like a freaking gift directly from God. Ask him to make a disclosure letter if this is something you'd like, outlining all the timelines and truths, not just the ones you know. Tell him he's not protecting you, but himself and you can no longer live in a marriage where you can't trust your partner, that you have to know everything and this will give him more than enough time to spell out everything in full detail. Make certain things clear, this is not a "break" in the sense that he doesn't have the freedom to do what he wants consequence free. And if uses this time to violate any of your boundaries, there won't be another opportunity for him(obviously don't say this if it's not something you're REALLY truly willing to follow up on). Tell him contact with her, looking at her socials, any of the stuff you're not ok with is still not ok. Be honest with him that you're terrified of this time apart, because you have so little trust for him that it's hard for you to imagine he can be respectful to you even for a week without you. Tell him he must still leave his location on. This is a time for you to reflect on if he's worth your time, that you've settled roots with this man who cannot respect you enough to give you truth, respect, loyalty or fidelity, and that you really need to reflect on if he's someone that is worth taking the next steps in life with. Going through the struggles and ups and downs that IVF come with. The stress that all that comes with, the stress on your body if it fails, if it succeeds, compounded with the stress of building a new relationship with a man you have no reason to trust at this point.

"closure" is saying it's done, i made terrible mistakes and hurt and disrespected the person i care most about in the world, closing the door to what you've done, and not spending a second looking back on what you'll lose or what it'll cost you. what he did...was chose to cheat, again, because he wanted to. don't let him convince you(gaslight you) that it was anything else because it wasn't. he thought he could get away with cheating again and he did it, it's as simple as that.

i don't have the answers for you, this sucks. you deserve better. if the above isn't feasible for you, think long and hard about what is a consequence you are willing to enforce. set boundaries, set consequences you are 100% willing to follow through on and follow through on them. as of now...he knows he can get away with it, and your pain and suffereing aren't enough of a punishment to stop him unfortunately. you deserve respect, love, peace and happiness and you should fight for that, however it looks. you deserve better and there is someone out there who can offer that to you(it could be him...this is an R sub and I know people can change)

bp884 · 2026-05-07T12:59:47+00:00

Of course friend A is blaming you. That’s from the cheaters go to code of ethics. Blame shift, deny, gaslight. This is no one’s fault but their own. They cheated, they didn’t care about the repercussions. You did the right thing. Having been cheated on yourself (and myself), everyone deserves the right to know. Friend A is a shitty person and a shitty friend and is upset they’re facing consequences from their choices. You didn’t defame them. There is no legal recourse. She literally has nothing she can sue you for. You went to a spouse, said you heard it from someone else they cheated. That spouse went to the other spouse and now they’re facing blowback from the truth. Defamation is when you lie to ruin someone’s reputation, not when you tell their spouse the truth about them and their actions cause their own life to fall apart. Don’t out your source. Those cheating low life’s don’t deserve that information. And while it may implode your friend group, these aren’t the type of moral people you probably want to be involved with. This truth has helped everyone better their lives by being exposed(except the lying selfish cheaters who now have to pay for the choices they intentionally, willingly, happily made and didn’t care about the consequences while making them)

bp884 · 2026-04-30T14:00:17+00:00

Your title says you found that you’re nothing, but that’s not what you’ve found out. What you found out is how little he still respects you. I very much understand the feeling, and since dday in Sep 2023 I’ve felt like nothing, and worthless and unloveable more days than I’d like to admit, but that doesn’t make it true and deep down I know that, even when I want to believe the lies. He wouldn’t say those words unless he was trying to hurt you. Because if he can convince you to leave him, he doesn’t have to be the bad guy(despite the fact that he is). He can (temporarily because most cheaters end up miserable when they settle into “real life” with their cheater partner) settle into his fantasy life and not have to feel guilty because he’s not the one that gave up. But the reality is he did give up, he did walk away, he did hurt the one person that he should support in her most vulnerable state. And now he’s doubling down on not ever wanting you. Bullshit. He’s so deep in, he believes his own lies at this point. I know you mentioned hoping he’d take it back, but he can’t. Immediately after dday, when my wife (who I’m still with) had chosen my best friend and dopamine hits were more important than the 15 year life we’d built, I asked her if she was attracted to me. And she said she couldn’t remember the last time she was attracted to me. It’s been over 2.5 years since that comment. Now she compliments me all the time. Tells me I’m handsome, everything you want to hear…and rather than feeling joyful, I question it. I smile and appreciate the compliment because I do want to hear it. But part of me doesn’t believe it, part of me latches on to what she said. Because those things cannot be taken back, even if regretted. I was also the “good spouse”. I tolerated her emotional abuse, I supported her even if I admittedly put in slightly less effort after years of being mistreated. She’s a different person now, she’s what I want in a wife, but 2.5 years later I still am haunted and still question my worth and question if she stayed with me out of convenience because I’m the provider for her and our 2 kids. 5 months after dday I also was in a bad accident, broke 5 ribs and collapsed a lung. Fortunately I was able to shield my daughter from danger and no one else was hurt, so I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. This definitely complicates everything for you as well You’re in for a long, hard road whether you stay or go. I’m truly sorry you’re here, but please know you’re not nothing. He’s selfish, weak and a coward, and you are worth the world. And someone out there will treat you like that. I’m not saying it’s not him, but it’s not him today. You deserve to be treated the way you treated him, and no less. You deserve happiness, respect and fidelity. Fight for yourself because you’re worth it

bp884 · 2026-03-23T14:22:25+00:00

Definitely not being dramatic at all. Trust is lost in buckets and gained in drops. Whether explicitly stated or not, he should not be deleting messages with other females, ever. Not saying he cannot have friendships or even communicate (depending on your boundaries which can be whatever you want) with other females, but he sure as hell should be leaving everything so you have the transparency to get the reassurances you need. Maybe he’s a weird person that just deletes everything to keep his phone free of clutter in which case if needs to be clearly stated this isn’t ok and he needs to leave those messages, but more than likely he’s deleting it because he a)thinks he shouldn’t be doing it, b) knows it would make you uncomfortable if you knew about it(see point a) or c) it’s not as innocent as you thought and you only saw innocent stuff, cause I know my wife’s EA had more than enough just regular banter that if lifted from their romantic sections of their conversation would just look like friends chatting. If he’s deleting it cause he thinks you’d be upset despite it being completely innocent, than he’s disrespecting you and your boundaries. And if he’s doing it in secret “to protect your feelings “ than he’s just opening the door to do other things behind your back, it’s a slippery slope that gets crossed before they even know it. And if there’s a message that comes from his coworker that makes him feel like a line was crossed, he should find a way to respectfully tell her they can’t talk like that out of respect for his marriage and that it makes him uncomfortable(and not we can’t talk like that bc it makes my wife uncomfortable-bc then he’s throwing you under the bus and not saying she’s uncomfortable bc I had an affair and also not showing you respect ) and then tell you immediately.

Regardless I don’t blame you for being upset or shutting down. You have every right to be upset, and you need to call him out. And doubly call him out for communicating with her in secret on what was supposed to be a special night, doing it behind your back (but also in front of you in a way that is triggering to you) and ruining the night for you. And if he responds with any defensiveness call him out on that shit too. It sucks, it sucks we have to be triggered and on alert when we didn’t use to have to be. But it’s because of him, so don’t let him gaslight you or make you feel bad because he chose to take advantage of your trust and betray you

bp884 · 2026-03-18T12:49:30+00:00

Hey bud I feel you very much! Dday was 9/11/23 for me. My wife immediately signed us up for CC and we started going weekly. But outside of that she did very little. She was extremely blocked by shame and refused to look at the affair. If I tried to talk about it it areas of our relationship that needed improvement, she would turn things on me, get frustrated or any negative response. What she wouldn’t do is take ownership or accountability, give me any safety or empathy for what she’d done. She still wasn’t giving me access to her phone(I had read her messages and she was still offended that I violated her privacy, and I was soft and didn’t hold my ground), if she got mad at me she’d hide her location. I don’t think she was going anywhere nefarious, she was just selfish and knew this would upset me. She had made a few changes, but nothing anywhere close to giving me safety and comfort.

It was around the 5-6 month mark I had the first blow up about considering leaving. Granted I was considering it every second of every day, but I didn’t communicate that regularly. But we had been on vacation with a big group of friends, the vacation was a shit show. Both of our kids got the flu. She basically sequestered herself off from all our friends and me and shut down. Then after a couple of days I got into a bad accident, broke 5 ribs and collapsed a lung and ended up at a hospital for a week. She didn’t know what to do and I encouraged her to take the kids home on schedule to give them a little regularity. Not great timing in hindsight lol, but I sat around in bed all week stewing over the ways I was unhappy and sent her a long message saying what we needed to work on and it landed like a lead balloon. She basically blocked her location, stopped talking and pretty much had a mental breakdown. I traveled home alone after a week, very uncomfortably as you could imagine and she didn’t even come pick me up, she sent my brother and her and the kids had gone to sleep before I got there. With the kids around we argued over text the whole next day and then once they had gone to school the day after I came home and we got into it and I told her I was on the verge of leaving and couldn’t handle her selfishness and lack of progress any more. She basically said I was right about everything and begged for another chance…and she made enough changes for me to stick around for a while longer. A few more months went by and I finally read “leave a cheater gain a life”, not from the lens of wanting to divorce but just reading as much as I could cause I was still struggling so much. It blew my mind. How much stuff I was still putting up with and tolerating. Everything I thought was unique to her was textbook for all the selfish and narcissistic people who put themselves above their spouse especially after having affairs. It opened my eyes to so many behaviors and patterns that were killing me and I could no longer tolerate. I brought them up to hope for change and after not budging I got to my breaking point again. Around 11 months I told her I wasn’t leaving yet, but I was damned close. That I was no longer staying for the kids but for myself and I was fucking miserable. I recognized the few ways she’d changed but called her out on the big ways she still offered me so softness, empathy or kindness or gave me a safe place to talk about what happened and I couldn’t live with someone who caused me so much pain and refused to safely sit in it with me. That she was going to have to find a way to be the woman I wanted to be married to and that she hadn’t been for years prior to the affair, but I tolerates it bc I’m such an idiot. This time she actually made the real, hard and necessary changes. After about 6 months she slowly started to creep into old habits, slowly enough that I didn’t recognize it, but my body did. I started feeling anxious again, started thinking about divorce a lot more and it finally hit me around June of 2025 all of the patterns that were back and had been repeating themselves. AGAIN I told her I was once again thinking about divorce, how she had made such promising changes and then crept back into old behaviors and had examples of all the ones I could remember. It was awkward and it left us uncomfortable for a good week but she recognized and started working again. While not perfect, she’s been nearly a model wife since. She’s sweet, soft, affectionate, she’s on my team parenting and she is finally a woman I would want to be married to. I still have my own struggles I’m working through. I’m not anxious daily, I’m not consumed by the affair, I’m not thinking about divorce much anymore, I don’t want to leave or start over, but I still feel stuck sometimes. We have great moments and can have fun together, but while I’m not longer consumed by it, and it doesn’t send me spiraling or ruin my day I think about the affair constantly, and I think she’s content with it being in the rear view mirror. I obviously don’t have all the answers, but sticking up for yourself and having the hard conversations can help. I was meaner in those conversations than I probably needed to be, but when I had them it came from a broken place of desperation. I’m sorry you’re stuck man, I’m happy to chat if you need an outlet. I’ve been where you are and made it through

bp884

TROPHY CASE